Do I divorce or not?

[Engineer]

Hi, I am in a real low place at the moment with my marriage and need some straight and honest advice.

I lived abroad when I was 25 for 5 years and met a local girl who was in real trouble supporting a young daughter after her husband had abandoned her. We became good friends, started seeing each other and she moved in. When it came time to come home, I was scared of being lonely and thought she should return to the UK with me. In order for her to stay we got married 10 years ago.

I have never "loved" her like lovers do nor has she ever "loved" me in that way. There has never been any real romance, no passionate kisses, no cuddling and no closeness you'd get even in the start of a marriage. We've only ever had sporadic sex and the last time was 7 years ago when we conceived my beautiful daughter. We both are very fond of each other, that is true and we do both like each other. We don't have meaningful or interesting conversations (because of her poor English), don't share the same interests and I spend most of my time away from her in another room on the computer whilst she goes to bed at 9pm to watch TV. We do have a family life and do things together as a family and it does feel good.

I suppose, you could coldly describe us as a partnership where I provide security and she is a great mother and wife (but not on the love front). She has taken care of me extremely well and given up many things when we didn't have money.

Over the years she has asked to leave (last May being the last one) and I very selfishly have begged her to stay. I admit, I did it because I was scared of being alone and loosing my daughter who I love so much.

We have inherited about £250k of money and I am at a point where I can give her the security for the future she deserves so much. If she asked me today to leave, I would say yes and give a lot of money and the house to her....it is for my daughter after all.

Last year after she asked to leave I had a brief affair with a woman who had always taken a real interest in me. We did fall in love, but I ended it through inaction in leaving my wife...because I did not want to hurt her. What it taught me was how love feels for the first time in 20 years. It made me believe my marriage was a sham and ultimately not the right thing for anybody.

My wife knows I am thinking of leaving, as I've seen some txts on her phone. She is scared and hurt. I am making an effort on the face of it to be as nice as I can and she is smiling and trying the same. I do not want to hurt her or anyone else. I spend my life getting into messes because I can never say no if its going to hurt someone.

I am majorly depressed at the moment and have lost considerable weight in the last 3 months and sleep about 5 hours a night if I am lucky. It is effecting everyone at the moment.

What I want is:

1. Not to loose my daughter.
2. Make my wife happy....is this by setting her free to find someone that will love her and for me to give her the security she so desperatly needs or by continuing?
3. Not to live another 10 years and look back and think I / we have wasted our lives.

I know I am a coward when it comes to hurting people, selfish and easily led but they are my faults and at least I recognise them. It is time for me to be a man, but how?

I should add the woman I had an affair with was crushed when we finished. She is in another relationship now (for just over 4 wks) , but is keen (but wary) to try again if I ever leave. She is moving abroad and has invited me visit her there and for me to live in her house in the UK if I split up with my wife. This is affecting my decision and ability to clearly think. I need to seperate the two situations.

[sookie6]

First of all...

the MONEY....

Are you sure this new woman is not interested in you just for this...how much does she know about your financial situation?

Then,

the MONEY again: it's quite a lot of money you know. Did you mean 250 000 000pounds? because with that kind of money even if your wife left you could go and buy another house near her and your daughter...

Really money does not make you happy but it helps resolving material issues.

I made a bet from the description of your wife that she is maybe chinese/ japanese?

Excellent housewife, cook and mother...that has to count for something!!!

Talk to your wife and work out an amicable arrangement to organise a new life where you would not be unhappy.

And please keep very quiet about your inheritance money when dating.

Not saying all women are gold diggers but you seem like you've been starved from attention and excitement over the past decade...and any woman who knows how to sweet talk will have you propose in no time...

So just be extra carefull not to get ripped off...and don't forget your wife was by your side even when you didn't have much.

[Engineer]

She's Thai.....yes I know groan. If she was in it just for the money, it was a hell of a long game to play.

Its 250,000 pounds with another 200,000 to come when my grandmother dies. Have been to a lawyer already and they are suggesting 150,000 clean break divorce.

She knows everything about the money, I have been honest.

[vashti]

Give her all the money and the kid. It isn't all that much, really,and you'll get more when granny kicks the bucket. And then go get your girlfriend, and everyone can live happily ever after.

[Engineer]

The new woman earns a hell of a lot is divorced and I don't think she gives a monkey about the cash.

Thanks sookie6 are you saying I should leave or not?

Thanks vashti...simple advice is what I am after.

[vashti]

Did I mention there isn't any way you are going to look like a nice guy if you leave her? Don't know if you care about that....

[Engineer]

Yes I know it's going to crush her to start with and I am going to be a b****td if I leave. But I hope she'll realise it may be the right thing for us both. Do intend not to be a dead beat dad to her or my daughter as this is what the support money etc is for isn't it.

[sookie6]

I sense your wife is not devious or anything so it might be easy to ask her to live around with your daugther. Any good mother would want her child near her father.

Plus if you know extra money is coming in, you can do as Vashti says give her all you have for now and tell her that you'll always be there for both should they need anything...

Now your future gfriend will have to accept this arrangement and the commitment to your child and to an extent to the woman who has been your wife for so long.

If everyone remains civil and thinks of the child first there should not be any problem.

[Incognito]

Money doesn't raise a child unfortunately. If you and your wife have been married as long as you say I'm not sure why her english isn't good enough for both of you to speak openly about this. I'm sure you must realize by now that in many third world nations marriage is primarily about mutual gain/security and less about love. The marriage is probably about what she expects it to be.

[Gigabitch]

You will lose your daughter if you move out of the country with the new woman, of course. You will have to choose between them.

[Engineer]

Yes I now realise fully (I guess I kidded myself at 25 I knew) the consequences of a marriage of mutual gain/security.

Thanks incognito....her English is good enough to talk about this....but what worries me is that because of my lack of spine I will end up staying / not staying and in 10 years regret either way.

Have tried to have space and time to think things through and depending on what day it is either decidde to stay for my daughter and to be "just" to my wife for her sacrifices or to quit and leave regardless of whether the new woman is there for me or not. E.g. Sunday was desperate to go, today feeling guilty that I should be a man and work things through for my daughter's sake.

My problem is that my head is cluttered from so much stress last year.....nursed my dad to death from cancer, looked after a grandmother who has alzheimer's, had a near fatal car crash, nearly made redundant, had an affair, nearly split with my wife etc... that I will make the worng decision. Not after sympathy these are things thrown at you in life to deal with.

Need outsiders opinions.....if only how to weigh up how to make a decision instead of letting this mess drift on and on...

Gigabitch...no intention of moving out the country....daughter comes first. The woman is only going to germany for 6 months then returning. Although I know a massive part of my decision is being influenced by the new woman, I also know it shouldn't be. Don't know how to seperate the two at the moment.

[Gigabitch]

I like the idea of buying a house nearby and having a split with your wife that is a gentle as possible. People have successfully done this before. Are you worried that your wife might find another man who might be a crappy stepfather to your little girl? That would be concern #1 for me if I were you.

[Incognito]

The bottom line is that you have no idea what the future will be like with you and the other woman. For all you know you could leave your wife for her and then she decide that things aren't going to work and kick you out a month later. That is the reality. That is why you need to seperate her from this family decision. If you are truly unhappy with your wife then you need to send her back home to her family so that she will have some sort of support when this is over. Give her some of the money, as the lawyer suggested, to ease the financial burden that she will likely feel. The problem with that is that you will lose the convenience of seeing your daughter, but when she is older she may come to find you (or you could find her). Its not an easy choice, but you are the one that has to decide what to do and then stick to it. There will be pros and cons to each path, but you have to follow through on one of them despite the cons in order to eventually find happiness. If you lets the cons stop you you won't complete either path and will be utterly miserable. As I see it you can 1. stay....2. send her back home with money/divorce

Does she even have family that would be able to support her if she went back? I ask this because it occurred to me that women are especially vunerable to being pushed into prostitution in parts of Thailand, especially young women/girls. That is something to consider.

[Gigabitch]

She probably married him to get out of there. I bet she has no intention of ever going back.

[Engineer]

Gigabitch...yes I would move local maybe 20 minutes away at most, infact the wife suggested this when she asked to leave last year. She's also too good a mother to let a crappy stepfather into her life (noting that many might be thinking she let a crappy dad in of course).

Incognito...I had thought about the family side for support she is planning a holiday to home in the next few months. I do think she will move there for a few months for support and punishment of me, but I know she does feel the UK education / opportunities for the children are what is important so I think (hope) she will return. She has also floated the idea before of moving home to Thailand and staying married with me working around the world and visitng for a long holiday every 3 months or so...not sure if she really meant it though. Deep down, I know the "other woman" may well not work but that doesn't stop you dreaming unfortunatly and that's the rub.

I'll be blunt....because this is what I need, I know the decision is mine and mine alone and I have to live with the consequences, but from what little you all know of this...what would be your gut instincts for me to do?