To "break" or not to "break"?

[unlit]

Has anyone ever been on a “break” and seen positive results? And by positive I mean the two of you got back together?

2 weeks ago my guy said he was having doubts and unsure about us. Since then I backed off, game him space, and let him initiate all the contact. For the first week he seemed to be trying to engage me more, and be making an effort to repair stuff. But now he seems distant again

Basically all I did was back off. When we wanted to see me, I would see him, and we continued a sexual relationship. Some people here have criticized the decision to remain sexual with him, but I felt that cutting out sex would be seen as a punishment. Plus I heard men get their sense of intimacy and connection through sex.

I’m wondering if I should continue to let him call the shots, and go with the flow. Or should I call an official “break”. Cut off all contact and all seeing each other, including sex officially, and see what comes out of it?

Or should I just back off even more? As in, when he next asks me to come over, say no, and basically withdraw more.

My main fear is misunderstanding. I don’t want to back off too much and have him think I’m being a bitch or seeing other people or punishing him. So an official “break” makes more sense in that it will give him time and space to consider us. However, calling a break means I’m forcing him to make a decision sometime soon – a little pressure he may not want.

I really do want us to stay together. This relationship means so much to me. No matter what I do I’m going to be in emotional turmoil until some decision is reached.

[dono01]

One thing to note... the sex thing.

I don't know if it's smart to keep sleeping with him. I mean, if he can have sex with you whenever he wants, and just see you whenever he wants. That is most guys dream girl. He might just start to think he'll keep you around as a screw buddy.

[xxazurexx]

^^ Exactly. And the connection sexually, won't help the one emotionally if he aint feeling it anymore. In having sex with him, you are no more than giving him the leeway to come and go as he pleases for sex and no incentive to come back to your relationship. At the minute, you are his 'f**k buddy*

OP, he asked for space. So why would he think you a 'bitch' for giving him what he asked for?

In this situation and if a guy asked for space from me (which has never happened), I'd respect his wishes and STAY AWAY.

No offence, but the guy has asked for space and likely to take time out and so that he can reflect on your relationship and come to a decision over what he truly wants.

How will he ever come to the realisation that it's you he really wants/or a chance to 'miss' you, if you are don't respect his space and are on the phone/sending texts every two seconds and in his face whenever the opportunity arises?

[Gigabitch]

Plus I heard men get their sense of intimacy and connection through sex.

No, it's women who get their sense of connection and intimacy through sex. Men can have sex without any emotional engagement at all. He's masturbating on top of you.

[unlit]

^^ Exactly. And the connection sexually, won't help the one emotionally if he aint feeling it anymore. In having sex with him, you are no more than giving him the leeway to come and go as he pleases for sex and no incentive to come back to your relationship. At the minute, you are his 'f**k buddy*

OP, he asked for space. So why would he think you a 'bitch' for giving him what he asked for?

In this situation and if a guy asked for space from me (which has never happened), I'd respect his wishes and STAY AWAY.

No offence, but the guy has asked for space and likely to take time out and so that he can reflect on your relationship and come to a decision over what he truly wants.

How will he ever come to the realisation that it's you he really wants/or a chance to 'miss' you, if you are don't respect his space and are on the phone/sending texts every two seconds and in his face whenever the opportunity arises?

I get what you're saying, but you misunderstood a few things. He DIDN'T ask for space. Not at all. I asked him how he felt about me, and he said he was having doubts. I asked if I should go home that night and he said no. I have been giving him space of my own accord, and he's been asking ME to do things.

And I haven't texted him once since we had this convo unless he texted me first. And even then my texts are simple and undemanding. I haven't asked him to hang out with me at all. When he asks me to hang out, like when he wanted to help me with my taxes, and when he asked me to come play soccer with him, and go for a walk because the weather was actually nice. So you've got the wrong situation completely.

I understand the criticism of the sex thing. But I would really like to get men's opinion on this. I've read up on gender psychology and it was in one of my uni classes. Gigabitch says men don't get any sense of intimacy and connection from sex, and I respect her opinion, but I'd appreciate a male perspective on this as well.

You say he's taking advantage of me and using me. It's easy for a girl to say "I'm being used as a sex object" because we often feel like that, and fear it, even when we're in a good place in our relationships. But it may not be the case. He and I don't just have sex, we do things together, go out, cuddle, spend the night together, etc. So I'm still unsure what I should be doing in this respect.

But I understand that I'm making life easy for him and hard for me by keeping this up. Which is why I've been thinking about an official break. HE has NOT asked for one. I am just wondering if I should ask for one, in order to give him a situation in which he has to make a decision.

So back to my original question: Has anyone been on a successful 'break'? Has it been successful or just pushed people away?

[davidtorres]

can you tell me why is he unsure about you?

[xxazurexx]

I get what you're saying, but you misunderstood a few things. He DIDN'T ask for space. Not at all. I asked him how he felt about me, and he said he was having doubts. I asked if I should go home that night and he said no. I have been giving him space of my own accord, and he's been asking ME to do things.

And I haven't texted him once since we had this convo unless he texted me first. And even then my texts are simple and undemanding. I haven't asked him to hang out with me at all. When he asks me to hang out, like when he wanted to help me with my taxes, and when he asked me to come play soccer with him, and go for a walk because the weather was actually nice. So you've got the wrong situation completely.

I understand the criticism of the sex thing. But I would really like to get men's opinion on this. I've read up on gender psychology and it was in one of my uni classes. Gigabitch says men don't get any sense of intimacy and connection from sex, and I respect her opinion, but I'd appreciate a male perspective on this as well.

You say he's taking advantage of me and using me. It's easy for a girl to say "I'm being used as a sex object" because we often feel like that, and fear it, even when we're in a good place in our relationships. But it may not be the case. He and I don't just have sex, we do things together, go out, cuddle, spend the night together, etc. So I'm still unsure what I should be doing in this respect.

But I understand that I'm making life easy for him and hard for me by keeping this up. Which is why I've been thinking about an official break. HE has NOT asked for one. I am just wondering if I should ask for one, in order to give him a situation in which he has to make a decision.

So back to my original question: Has anyone been on a successful 'break'? Has it been successful or just pushed people away?

Regardless. Even under the situation of any man claiming to have doubts about me/unsure of me, would be gone.

Sure as hell wouldnt be still having sex with him.

That is no more than sending the message 'You can still have sex with me and whether you want me or not'......

[doppelgaenger]

No, it's women who get their sense of connection and intimacy through sex. Men can have sex without any emotional engagement at all. He's masturbating on top of you.

This is pretty true, hahaha. And women are always bitching about how guys can only feel with their dicks.

My strongest emotional engagement with a person comes when I am at a low point in my life and they are there for me. Also, when I share what I believe is a very special moment in my life.
When I share a common ground or similarities with a person, I also feel a sense of connection and intimacy.

That's why I am so close to my friends. They've been there when I was down in the dumps. We understand each other.
It's hard to find that connection in a woman.

[xxazurexx]

This is pretty true, hahaha. And women are always bitching about how guys can only feel with their dicks.

My strongest emotional engagement with a person comes when I am at a low point in my life and they are there for me. Also, when I share what I believe is a very special moment in my life.
When I share a common ground or similarities with a person, I also feel a sense of connection and intimacy.

That's why I am so close to my friends. They've been there when I was down in the dumps. We understand each other.
It's hard to find that connection in a woman.

Takes a lot for a man to open up to a woman and apparantly they have to trust her implicity and before they do, is that correct?

[unlit]

"Originally Posted by Gigabitch
No, it's women who get their sense of connection and intimacy through sex. Men can have sex without any emotional engagement at all. He's masturbating on top of you."

This is pretty true, hahaha. And women are always bitching about how guys can only feel with their dicks.
n.

I can have sex without any emotional engagement at all. Does this mean I'm a man? (sweet!)

I know most women get their intimacy through sex. And that most women bitch that guys only feel with their dicks. But I don't bitch that men only care about sex and think with their dicks. I thought that was just women....well....bitching...? :/ Is it not? Men do only think with their dicks?


And when I asked why he was unsure (I asked at the time he told me) he said he didn't know, he just felt doubtful, and had been feeling confused for a while, unsure of what he should be doing. He said it was nothing I had done and that I had been great, and there was/is definitely not someone else. He didn't know, he just knew he felt unsure. Which is why he didn't want to break up, and why I've been reluctant to break anything off, temporary or not. I haven't brought up anything since.

He invited me to soccer last week, which meant a lot to me because it felt like an effort to engage me in his life, since he hadn't invited me the week before. But he didn't invite me or say anything to me about it this week (soccer is today, right now in fact). So I'm basically living good week, bad week, good week.

Basically he's that song "Hot 'n Cold" by Katy Perry. Sort of.

[xxazurexx]

He'd be 'Left Outside Alone' by Anastasia, if he was my bloke.....

[unlit]

He'd be 'Left Outside Alone' by Anastasia, if he was my bloke.....

Ok. I respect that, and you're definitely more confident than me. But can you explain why? ( I ask 'why' a lot. I like things to be backed-up.)

[doppelgaenger]

Takes a lot for a man to open up to a woman and apparantly they have to trust her implicity and before they do, is that correct?

What do women mean when they want their men to open up? **** it, I'll start a new thread.

[xxazurexx]

Ok. I respect that, and you're definitely more confident than me. But can you explain why? ( I ask 'why' a lot. I like things to be backed-up.)

Probably because Ive had more than my fair share of crap when it comes to relationships and there isn't a lot I havn't been through and more than once. As we get older, we become wiser and we are less tolerable of situations that don't satisfy, of men that don't live up to expectation,...... life is too short. I've gone from longterm relationships which turned into f**k buddy situations, been cheated on umpteen times and the betrayed wife. I've come close to being the married mans 'piece of the side', I've had an ex return after years and I've had ex's who have kept me dangling to a man who was 'committment phobe'. I can pretty much relate to people who find themselves in all of the above scenarios or similar ones, because I have been there myself.
Everyones circumstance reads differently, but the overall storyline is the same and all these situations tend to pan out in exactly the same way.

I will tell you something, I wish I'd know years ago, what I know now and I could have avoided a lot of hurt.

You might think people are being mean or harsh, but people don't mean to be. Outsiders looking in, have the knack of being able to read a situation and know where it's gone wrong/going wrong and advise on what you should do. It helps if that outsider has been in the same/similar situation because they can relate even more so. It's odd that we cannot see what is in front of us, yet others can. Or perhaps we really know the truth, we just don't want to accept it or face up to it.

Your guy would be left outside alone and because I'm at a stage in m life where I know what I want and I won't accept anything less than what I want. But regardless and at any stage, why should anyone have to settle for less than they want? The last kind of man I am looking for, is a 'wishy washy' guy, who doesn't know what he wants.
I hung around waiting on a guy who was wishy washy, for NINE years! The relationship began as exclusive, (long term 2 years), we had even been engaged to be married. Suddenly and like your guy, he wasn't sure if he wanted me or not.

Because I'd loved him, I waited around for him and continued to be there for him. I'd kept on having sex with him,( like you are with your guy), hoping that one day he'd wake up and realise it was me he wanted. I'd even dumbly thought he must love me and to keep on coming back to me. Little had I realised back then, that it was only the sex keeping him around....what we had, had become a 'f**k buddy' situation.
If you are willing to still have sex, they will keep on coming back for it and even though they are not looking to be back with you!

To cut a long story short anyway, I hung around for nine years on my 'indecisive' guy and he repayed me by marrying some other girl, that he'd only known six months before marrying her...

Back then and when this all happened, there was no internet. No forums I could visit to get advice on my situation....I had to figure this out, all by myself. You are lucky that you have a forum and that there are people who can help you

I'd prefer it that you didn't and don't end up in same situation, which is why I gave you advice.....which was to basically quit having sex with this guy and to try and to give him space. Cutting someone from your life, gives them a chance to 'miss' you and they don't know if they will miss you, until you are gone. Your guy is indecisive.....so make his mind up for him! Disappear and you will soon have the answer to 'Does he really want me or not'......

Sorry this is long anyway...

[xxazurexx]

What do women mean when they want their men to open up? **** it, I'll start a new thread.

Dunno. Maybe they think he has something to tell them, or imagine he does.....