Help, what do I do

[annablack]

I feel really silly here, but I thought it the best place to get a bit of impartial advice. I'm 47 and my partner is good looking 35, yes, I'ma a cougar, and I have been with him for just over a year. The only issue is, that I'm very aware that he will probably want a family sometime an he will lose interest in me because of the age gap, but it's not bad at the moment. the issue is that I met this other man who is the same age as me 6 months ago and the chemistry is fantastic, scarily so. I do feel very close to this man, but realise that I am in a relationship. This other man is going through a divorce at the moment and I feel is some way responsible. He is so open, easy to talk to, reall likes me, I know he does and he doesn't hide it. HoweverI havn't slept with him, but when I am with him I can't help holding his hand and he looks at me the way someone looks into your soul. I can completely open up with him.
He is scared coming out of a 20 year marraige and I'm trying to just be his friend at the moment as he is vulnerable, but we communicate so well. He is incredibly gentle and considerate, but I feel that I am letting my current partner down. This being the case I pull back quite quickly.

What the hell should I do?

[xxazurexx]

I'd opt for the guy nearer your age.

I dunno, these older woman/younger man relationships don't really tend to work out in the long run. I mean some do, some don't and I personally wouldn't take that risk with a younger guy.

Kindest thing to do, is to end the relationship with the younger guy and if you are looking to pursue something with the older guy. And before you pursue anything heavier with the older guy.

[annablack]

I know in my heart you are right, but the other bloke is going through a hard time at the mo with his divorce and I want to be there as a friend, but that's where it's so difficult. The thing is he is eternally positive and, well a bit emotional at the mo, but I suppose that's to be expected and I don't want to hurt him or upset him. Maybe we should just take our time.

[VincenzoG91]

If a guy is 35 and he hasn't started a family yet, it's possible that he doesn't want one. Has he made any comments about kids?

[asdfg789]

Anna, let me get this straight - you are with a 35yo guy and now thinking of starting a relationship with a same age 47yo man ?
And you say the 47yo man is getting a divorce partly because of you ?

Does the 47yo man know that you are currently in a relationship ? Other than the rush of new found love that you experience, are you and the new guy matching in other aspects ?

I agree with xx that age-wise u are more compatible with the new guy but what if another guy comes along later that is a few years older and even more charming ?

[annablack]

The guy my age is well aware that I am in another relationship and is incredibly tactful regarding it. He's never pushy, nor critical, just genuine and gentle, believe me, I'm talking with my head here not my heart. My current partner likes kids but can never really get to the bottom of whether he wants them or not. With the guy my age, I arrived when he was at the point of ending his marriage and I suppose I helped speed it up. I do feel guilty and partly responsible, but he doesn't blame me at all.
Our interests are really well matched, he likes the same things as me, even the quirky silly stuff.

[asdfg789]

Anna, somehow it doesn't feel right.

Couple of my thoughts :

It is like a man who is already in a relationship finding a younger girl more attractive so dumps the older one. Will it happen again when another one comes along ?

Does the new guy have kids ? How old ? How will they react to you entering his life so soon after his divorce ?

[Gigabitch]

Anna, proceed with caution. People just getting out of a divorce are emotionally volatile and prone to making impulsive decisions. I think you should keep your boundaries strong with this new guy for six months to a year. Let him have a rebound or two. You don't want to get caught up in all that. When he settles back down and has a good idea of what he wants his new life to be, then you can decide together if you have a place in it. Pursuing him now will only get you burned.

With the current bf, just have fun and take it for what it is. Most relationships aren't forever and this one might be even sweeter if you know that from the start.

[annablack]

Boy, why is it so difficult? No he doesn't have kids so there is no issue there. I have met a friend of his soon to be ex wife who did say that he was one of the most tolerent men she ever knew and was amazed at the effort he put in to try to save his marraige, however he was the on who ran out of steam and finally ended it. I suppose what really attracts me is his mature attitude which shows up flaws in my current relationship. Maybe I should be prepared to give him space to sort his life out and tread carefully and see what happens further down the line. I'm really caught between a rock and a hard place as if I end my current relationship I have nowhere to live, yes I do need to consider that, but luckily I don't have children either. I am still mo wiser.

I thought getting older would be easier, but really it's a lot more difficult. I think the more input I receive that's impartial will help, but I just can't get this out of my head.