I am confused, ex wants to talk and I have been chatted up by somebody else

[mafj99]

Hello,

Anybody who has read my previous post will understand, [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/39621-getting-close-ending-but-dont-want-seem-like-hypocrite-make-mistake.html"]you can view it here.[/URL]

To summarise though, had a very up and down relationship with ex, things came to a head a couple of months ago when she stopped talking to me and I think that was pretty mush the start of, if not the actual break up and it just got drawn out as she didn't want to see me. Before that however we were having issues and things were not right.

In the end we broke up, was ok as far as breakups go as we both knew it wasn't working so it was a nice relaxed chat. There were a lot of tears when it came to finally saying goodbye but it was the right decision as the relationship was making me miserable and stressed all the time.

So it has been a few weeks now and I have been doing ok, felt crappy for the first few days but kept busy seeing friends and doing lots of things which really helped and I wasn't thinking of my ex constantly. I think what also helped was that I was so stressed in the relationship that when it finally ended there was a great deal of relief as the stress kind of went away.

Pretty much things were going ok, up until about a week ago when it has all got quite strange and confusing.

Firstly going out and about with friends there are obviously other people out and a few nights ago I got approached by a nice girl who started talking to me and I get the feeling she is quite interested. She seems really nice and I would like to get to know her better as we seem to have a lot in common.

Now this in itself isn't a huge problem and I was quite chuffed to be honest, I am not actively pursuing trying to find another relationship but took the view that now I am single if I randomly meet somebody interesting then I would think about going out on a date with them and take it from there.

And then the other day I get a message from my ex asking if I fancied meeting up, she doesn't know if it is a good idea and thinks it may be too early and will understand if I don't want to and she misses me. Well talk about throwing a spanner in the works, I don't want to get back with her, I know we are just incompatible in a relationship as we want different things and can't give each other what they want. We have tried and given it a second chance but to no avail.

Now however I feel guilty that I have been chatted up and am considering going out on a date as I know she misses me and I don't want to hurt her by making her think that I have just forgotten about her and am just moving on. It would have been fine if she had asked in a couple of months and in away that was just asking how I was doing but it doesn't seem like that.

I don't know what I am doing now, like I said I know I don't want to get back with my ex as things would not work out but I don't want to tell her just to leave me alone and go away as she was a big part of my life for over two years. On the other hand I don't want to hurt her feelings by just seeming that I have moved on. On the other hand not taking the opportunity to get to know somebody new that seems really nice that I just met completely by chance seems silly as I would be hanging on to the past and not moving on which is what is needed after a breakup.

It is all very confusing, advice, suggestions, opinions anybody?

S

[cmacattack1]

You may feel bad about doing so, it may hurt her, but you have to stop thinking about terms of you and her. You have something new on your plate, you know things between the two of you and your ex haven't worked out (twice), and your ex is acting in typical fashion trying to lure you back in when, even if she is learning something, is way too soon. Any changes she needed to make haven't really been implimented yet. And you know how you feel. On one hand you have something that is new, fun, exciting, and she all around seems very nice. On the other hand, you have your ex who has scorned you twice for her roommate and really took you for granted. Hence her missing you, because she is realizing how good she had it.

It was going to happen eventually, do not worry about hurting your ex. You don't owe her details of your new girl. Politely let your ex know that it wouldn't be right, you need this time on your own. Your ex says she would understand (I don't believe she really does though) so it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that you would like if her interference to cease. Don't feel guilty, she treated you like poop remember?

[mafj99]

Thank you, you are 100% right.

Out of the two things I have going on then the new fun and exciting route does seem the way to go. I shouldn't feel guilty about something that just happened unexpected. This whole thing was an inevitability, it was 6 months after I broke up with my previous ex before I got with my current ex and even then she was hurt that I moved on, even though she had done the same.

I suppose these things are never easy but I do need to remember why we broke up and how I felt in that relationship.

S

[cmacattack1]

It's a pride or ego thing. A selfish part of us doesn't really want to see our ex happy without us. We rather them pine for us continually afterwards. Try your best not to feel guilty. Your relationship with your ex was a good experience for the both of you (even if you got the shit end of the stick), and I think you both have grown from it. You gave her many chances and she wasn't self aware enough to act on them, and if she grows from this she will find somebody that she is happy with as well. It's not proven that you guys wouldn't have worked out if you were at different times in your life, but at this particular time you guys don't. It's a damn shame but as we all know, there are many other "ones" out there in this universe for us.

[mafj99]

Thank you for that, it is not easy but I have made up my mind. I did question if I had made the right decisions but I know I have.

I just had my ex call me as she was upset, spent a good hour on the phone with her. She finally apologised for everything and not putting me first, it was nice to hear. Didn't tell her about anything else as she was really upset and as it stand there is actually nothing going on. She is upset that I seem to be moving on as she is finding it hard to do, especially as she has realised that 90% of the reason we broke up was her and her pushing me away. It doesn't make it easier to hear though as it really upset me, I just wish she had figured it out before it got to this stage but as you said before it will take loosing somebody to realise what you had.

The hard part of it is now that I know she is upset and there is nothing I can do, I still care for her and honestly want her to be happy. Sadly even though she may have began to realise her mistake I have been here with her before and I can't do the whole roller-coaster thing again, it is too painful and I can't go through it again. I know that if I got back with her now (which I don't plan to do) then things would go back to how they were as at the moment she still can't give me what I want.

I defiantly agree with you that another time we may have worked out, you just don't know but what I wanted and what she wanted from a relationship at this time were different things. I am sure there will always be that thought in the back of my mind "what if" but there has to be a point where you say enough is enough surely?

I hate second guessing my own decisions, I know that I have made the right one but why after this do I now wonder? I need to focus on moving on and put all this behind me.

S

[cmacattack1]

You are clearly exausted as being her landfill for her emotions. You know, the person she can just dump off when she wants to. If she only knew how she was making you feel right now, she wouldn't be doing this. But she doesn't. She is thinking of herself and what she lost, and is trying to possibly reignite any feeling you have left for her with her apologies and all that. It's a last ditch effort and it's proof she only cares about losing you more so than wanting to work torwards a future together. She is upset and she will continue to be upset until she has a replacement. It's not your priority or perogative. The best thing you can do for her is just let her be so she can grow on her own. If she continues to bother you, please feel free to remind her that this is it and what you are doing it making me feel like shit. Hopefully she will get the message.

[mafj99]

I have got to the end of what I can cope with, it is true that she is really upset about loosing me as she could have brought all this up when we were together and we could have worked through it. Another apology this morning with her asking if there was anything she could do to fix everything.

My response back was a simple explanation that as we both stand we can't give each other what the other wants and are both not ready to change enough to be able to accommodate the other, another time and place and things may have worked out differently but at this point in time we want different things and for that reason it won't work out. I told her that I can not go through this whole getting back together and break up again as it is tearing me apart and I don't know whether I am coming or going. I wish things had been different and they would have worked out as I care for her a lot and she was everything I wanted.

To this I got a simple Thank you back so I hope she understands, walking away from her has been one of the hardest things I have had to do but I can't keep going through this and as much as I love her I just can't do it anymore.

Thank you again for you advice, you have helped me see things in perspective and it has helped me get my mind straight and avoid as much as I want to, going back to see if it can all be fixed.

S