any advice out there?

[unicyclezach]

Ok first of all i know there are alot of stories out there like this but i need to write it down, back in 05 right before i left for boot camp i started taking to a girl in january from my high school. After a couple weeks of talking we finally said that we liked each other (yes i know, but neither of us really dated before this). So the following weekend we had our first date and it went great and we started dating, well it only took a couple months and we already were head over heels in love. Then in june that year i left for bootcamp and over the next 3.5 years we had a long distance relationship, im guessing total between trips home and the couple trips she came down to my command, we maybe spent a year total including before the navy time togeather. About the 3 year mark it started going down hill, nothing bad, i wasn't having doubts about being with her but the distance was becoming too much and she procrastinated on writing papers the entire semester so when i came home for a week to be with her when she had no school or work, we spent very little time togeather cause she had papers to write. About a year later we were talking, the day after thanksgiving and i was at my apartment, watching a movie and she called and i didnt really wanna talk cause i wanted to watch my movie. She asked me why i didn't ask her about her holiday when i said goodbye and 20 minutes later we were broken up. First thing i did was call my dad i was a bit choked up about it and had problems getting the words out but after that i went to work the following day and for the next three months kinda just zoned out. I met her in early december to give everything back and thats when she told me that she still loved me and wanted to be with me and i couldnt say it back, i wanted to but just couldn't. I got transferred in march of last year and when i went home on transfer leave she called wanting to see me and i said no cause i needed more time. I didn't talk to her other than that time since december and when i went home in october for my aunts funeral she texted me saying she was sorry to hear about my aunt, later that night i got the message and texted her back, and we started talking and she asked to come over, and i said ok. 10 minutes later we were talking in my old room laughing about old times sitting next to each other, and of course started to cuddle and ... well you know. Anyways it felt just like old times, i never had any doubts she was the one when we were togeather just when we were apart i couldn't handle it. so when i went back a couple days later i called and we talked for a couple weeks but i just couldn't handle it anymore and i told her i still needed more time and space. A couple months after that my life was crappy again, all i could do was think about here, so i took the advice of a friend and deleted her completely from around me, threw away everything i owned of hers, deleted facebook pics everything, and it was still just as painful. This past christmas i started talking to a girl at work and we talked more and more and starting hanging out and after a couple weeks after she left my apartment after we went to dinner and a movie, i went to her house before i went to my ship cause we were leaving the next day except she was at a school and was not going on the underway, and told her how i felt about her, and she felt the same way. now this is the first person ive opened up to since my ex. and i felt great but after a couple weeks she didnt like what she was finding out about me, just small little things about me she didn't like and bugged her and she didn't want to change me so we called it off, i wasn't really heartbroken over it cause it made me realize that other women other than my ex could want me. and i was feeling great and so i emailed my ex to tell her that i wanted to be friends cause i really did, we were great friends. and now we are talking again and keeping in touch. But now im realizing she is the one for me just the way she carries herself and the fact that we have so much in common both in interest and the way we act in certain instances, like she wore a prom dress to a bar cause a co-worker said she wouldn't and i wore a tshirt to a buddies wedding cause he said i wouldn't and stuff like that, but i know if i told her i want her back, the distance would still be there. she just got accepted to a 3 year school for nursing that starts back home 1200 miles away and it starts in the fall, and i wouldn't want to take her away from that. so im just wondering if anyone has any advice on what i should do... should i talk to her about getting back togeather or try to forget about her and move on?... and please don't give me the time heals all wounds crap im sorry but everyone says it takes time to move on from an ex especially your first love, but i don't think that applies if you are the one that broke it off and immediatly realized it was a mistake but know the distance might cause it to happen again and don't want to possibly hurt her like that again, and have been living the past year and a half in regret. so any help or advice would be appreciated thankyou

[Jas_mine]

Why did you guys break up and who initiated it? I ask because it is unclear from your post. It's extremely important why you broke up though because this is the issue you are going to have to address before you get back together with her, if you choose to do so that is.

She has always been eager to reconcilliate with you, you are the one that has had doubts - why is this? Why is it that if you were so 'choked' about the breakup, realised that she was 'the one' and couldn't stop thinking about her, did you still require more time and space? And why did you do the opposite of getting back together with her? I mean you went to great lengths to remove her from your life what with eradicating all traces of her existence? You need to question your actions first.

Fact remains though, with your chosen field of career distance will always be a deciding factor in your relationships, with her or any other. You need to be with somebody who accepts this aspect of your life willingly - if distance or should I say absence was what caused your relationship to fall apart then you need to discuss with her whether it will still remain a problem - is she able to accept that this is a common recurrence, can she embrace it? If it is not possible then you must find somebody who can, and it is not fair to ask her to make compromises she may later regret.

Also, is she even still interested? I think it is selfish of you to assume you can just pick her up and put her down as you please, I mean, she may no longer be in that place, she may have moved on, it is wise to figure out whether she is interested before you make a move.

One final note, just because you dated one girl after her which didn't work out doesn't immediately mean that she is the one for you. You can't make a comparison so easily. There are plenty other girls out there whom are probably just as compatible, if not more so, don't just settle for somebody purely because you are too scared to go looking or too afraid that you shall never find, never take the easy option.

[unicyclezach]

-first of all thanks for your reply jas_mine and i'll try to answer all of your questions the reason we broke up is cause of the distance, i mean we spent so little time togeather over 4 years, and when she spent so much time on my vacation back home on her papers i couldn't believe it, and that was the start of the downfall of our relationship, i never had thoughts of cheating on her for someone closer, and when ever we were togeather it was great, it just got harder to be apart
-ive always had doubts about getting back togeather cause the reason we broke up was because we were so far apart for so much of it, and it will be the same situation now, and like i said before she jsut got accepted to a 3 year school for nursing back in iowa that she has been working towards for 3 years, so i woulnd't want her to give that all up to move here
ill didn't
-i was choked up because i just lost the biggest part of the last 4 years of my life and didn't know what to do or how to react, and i am still trying to get over her and seeing her online and looking at her stuff and everything was just too painful cause i was trying to delete her, and i didn't want to get back togeather cause the distance was and still is there
-and i know she is still interested in me cause the way we talk, and her email i got back from her when i first told her i wanted to talk again, she has dated a couple guys since us, but when i saw her back in october i know she still loves me and so do i
-ive went out on dates with other girls and talked to them and no one makes me feel like i felt with her right away or makes me laugh like she does, and im not scared that no one else is just as compatabile, and just want to be her because its the easy way, and its not the easy way i can assure you that but anyways i hope that answers all your questions and thanks for the advice

but one final thing. i never stopped loving her, we didn't break up cause we fell out of love which is why this is so hard. we broke up cause the distance between us, and till is there and i just dont want to hurt her like that again, not saying it would happen again, but i don't know want to get back togeather jsut so a year down the road we are in the same situation again

[Teddy057]

If it's meant to be, then you'll know. I would say just tell her how you feel, maybe she feels the same, maybe things will work out once you're out of the military and she's done with nursing.

[unicyclezach]

thanks teddy057, but like i said she still has 3 years of school, and ive realized i cant move on with this still on me, not knowing, but she has worked on this so much i don't want her to move down here, but i don't think i can do the distance again

[Teddy057]

You really need to figure out what it is that you want then. You sound like a very confused individual, you can't move on but you can't do the distance again?