this probably doesn't belong here

[baggage much?]

hi everyone! :) Sorry for my bad English, it's my second language.

I read this forum and it feels like another world. I don't understand at all and I'm very afraid it's too late to learn. I'm 36 and have only had one relationship, it was a bad one and I wish it had never happened. All it did was give me a hint of love and sex and only showed me what I was missing. She ditched me after cheating on me after 3 weeks and told me I was too broken and I don't blame her.

I just want a little hope. I want to know if there's someone out there that won't take one look and do the same thing.

I look all right physically but emotionally not at all. I've never been abusive or violent toward anybody. I have major depression with type-II bipolar disorder, schizotypal disorder, PTSD from some childhood abuse and social anxiety that cripples me; I can't really talk to anybody I don't know very well and because I can't I don't ever get to know people very well, it's funny and stupid and sad at the same time. Medications never really helped me an I just stopped seeing my newest therapist because I lost my job and can't afford to see anyone anymore. I got over this once and had some friends and found a girlfriend but it was 15 years ago and I know that time only let some of it get much worse.

Loneliness is the most painful thing. Every day feels like the world looks past me and says we don't want you here.

If this is inappropriate or whatever for the forum just please delete.

[Gigabitch]

Baggage, indeed.

Have you tried online dating sites?

[Illusional]

what is your first language?

raverboy

[baggage much?]

Online dating yielded as much luck as offline dating. I did appreciate the single polite 'no thank you' and sent her a second note noting this, expecting no reply receiving none.
First language is European and I really would rather not be more specific.

Thank you for your replies.

[Argentina]

Hi. Actually your English is really good. I would never have known it was not your first language. Sorry to hear you have been having such a difficult time. I wondered if there were support groups for the conditions you mentioned. I am from Australia, so I don't know the specifics of what support groups are in the US and in your area, but I feel certain there must be some. Even if you do not feel ready to attend these groups in person. They may have an online forum you can join and speak to people with similar conditions. How about [url=http://www.psychforums.com/]Psychology & mental health forums[/url]
You mentioned that medications do not work for you. I wondered how long it has been since you tried medication. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and take medication. For 10 years I suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder. It was a struggle, but I was determined not to let the illness beat me. I now consider myself fully recovered from this condition. Anyhow there are lots of new medications being developed all the time and it might be worth consulting your doctor about this if it has been some time since you last took medication.
Before you look to dating again. I think the important thing is to very slowly start socialising again. the fact that you have posted on this site is a great start in communicating with others.
You could investigate free or cheap activities in your local area that you could join eg: walking, bike riding groups, reading groups. Just getting out in your local community allows you to feel part of life. I know it is probably very difficult for you to do this, so my suggestion would be to start really slowly. Go out for 5 minutes to start with, then each day lengthen your time out in a social/community environment (for example: a library). Or, if you do regularly see people throughout the course of the day, set a goal that you will ask one person each day "how are you?". Just to build up your confidence with speaking to people.
I reckon if you give yourself small goals each day, then gradually you will achieve what you eventually want to. You need to have something you like to do each day to give you a purpose in getting out of bed each morning.
Anyway, these are just my initial thoughts and I am not a psychologist and don't know your full set of circumstances. But I am hopeful things will improve for you soon.