Can't snap out of it

[Teddy057]

My original post explains my story.. It's been 3weeks since my break up, and I have yet to go a day without breaking down crying and falling in to this bottomless abyss of depression.. I miss my best friend and lover, more than I can even explain in words. I guess I'm writing this to just vent, because everyone I've talked to is getting sick of hearing about her. Every dream for the past 3 weeks has her in it, every thought I have is about her, this sorrow I feel Is slowly overwhelming me. I just want to talk to her but I know I can't...

[blondy2]

Don't talk to her, give her as much time as she needs to find out that your the one for her. She is going to try to find someone better, but it won't work because she will be comparing them to you. If she wants you back she will contact you, that is if she still feels that you have feelings for her. So, after about 6 weeks accidentally call/text her, believe me this works, because she will never know for sure and wonder if it's an accident or if you are faking it. You will know how she feels from her response. Can you do me a favor and read my post, I really need a guys pointe of view on this one. Love Advice Forum "Blondy2" Thanks I really appreciate it!

[Kaius]

Teddy, I went back and read your original post. You are experiencing what happened to me 18 years ago, when I was the same age, and same length of relationship.
I met a wonderful girl and we were in love....so in love you can't describe it. I was really jealous and possessive, and I thought I was justified because it was all for love.
She got fed up and broke up with me after coming back from church camp for 2 weeks. She had time to think, and met new friends, and appreciated life outside of me.
No she did not meet some guy or anything. She just realized she was happier without me. There was no doubt that she loved me, but it was too painful to date me.

I think your girl loved you deeply. But you kinda pushed her away with your ways. You guys are still too immature to really do things right at this point. Hell, I'm twice your age
and I'm too immature. But if the love is strong enough, she will come back on her own. If she feels like the relationship is not worth having, then it's not meant to be.
Search inside of yourself....do you really love her or love the idea of having her as your girlfriend? These are 2 different feelings. Possessive men don't really love their women...
They just want the control and security of having someone. Think outside the box...you might be happier without her....without to worry about where she's at or what she feels.
Take it from my experience..... no matter what happens, you'll be happy again... someday.

[Teddy057]

Thanks Kaius, I really appreciate that insight.. I know I have to look at this as a learning experience, because I really did push her away with my ways. Picturing her moving on just makes me sick to my stomach though, I really wish it didn't work out this way.

[cmacattack1]

Not to belittle your feelings or the meaning this relationship has to you but something I came to realize when everybody got sick of me talking over and over about is that it happens to everybody. Almost every single person on this planet. We lose something that is the most important thing that we have ever come to know. Nothing else seems to matter. We have all been where you have been.

Yet people still push on. People find a way to deal and move on. Maybe you have seen some of your friends hit rock bottom, but never really understood the extent until you found yourself in their situation. You are going to mull it over and over in your head, kick yourself for things that you now know you shouldn't have done, and be angry, frustrated and hurt for things on her part that were wrong.

It's not easy. You are at some of the darkest times you have ever been in and you just wish it would go away. The pain, to be gone. But it doesn't happen like that. There isn't a realistic quick fix. Even if she were to run back to you right this minute and burst into tears about how sorry she was and how much she loves you and how things will be okay now, it still would not take away all the pain you are in. Not to mention that is totally and utterly unrealistic. You have to keep telling yourself that it's not going to happen. She will not save you from the pain you are in. The only person you have is you to get you out of this. You have friends and family for support and by all means use them, but they can only do so much for you. It's up to you ultimately in the end.

It does get better with time. Hard to believe because you are fluctuating between the high highs and the low lows. It's not like it gets better every day, because you are going to hit a wall or rough patch and crash. It happens to all of us. I'm still fighting through rough patches going on eight months. Eight months! Not talking to her, not seeing her, and knowing this whole time my ex has a new boyfriend that I assume is giving her what she wants and needs. I still dream about her. Do not make the mistake of thinking you are the only one that has this amazing connection you never thought you would have with another person. Because we all feel it. With different people. And we will all feel it again. Be it with them or somebody new. With each rough patch you pass, you will feel more like yourself and more stronger than before.

Take the time to really accept that this is what she wants. You cannot be happy with her if she is not happy with what you guys had. It hurts and it's a big blow to the ego. You thought you were giving her everything she needs and maybe you were, she might have been too narrow sighted to see it. Whatever the reasons, whatever the issues, it doesn't change what has happened and there is really nothing you can do about her and her feelings or your feeling for that matter. But you can control your actions, and you have to use everything in your power to push forward. It's serious effort. It's draining. You may not feel like you have much left. But it does get better, and it will get better faster when you accept that this is how it is and that you are a better person for this experience, even if you do not have her to share it with. But you will have somebody else, even if it isn't conceivable now. You will when you are ready and you will find it or it will find you.

[Teddy057]

Thank you very much cmac, it's good to know i'm not alone in this. I suppose this is all part of life's master plan, and I have to take this as a learning experience, and keep pushing on while staying as positive as possible.

[cmacattack1]

It's hard man, I know. It's a seemingly new battle every day. It takes a commitment to see yourself through this ordeal. It takes alot of character, a shitload of positivity, and belief in yourself and what you have to offer to help you. It does get better every day. If you are keeping tabs on her, do yourself a favor and stop. It won't help. If your friends are updating you on what she is doing, tell them you do not want to know. Etc. etc.

[Teddy057]

Yeah, I haven't checked on her facebook for days, and I don't plan to. Although, I am going to email her dad, because he really was a great guy and I would like to keep in contact with him. I won't be asking him any questions about her or any creepy stuff, just how's it going, etc.

[Teddy057]

Decided not to email her dad, and I finally deleted all our pictures off facebook and even deleted her off my friends. Felt pretty good, and in a way, it was the first selfish thing i did to her. But, it had to be done.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, when people break up, you break up with their family too. It's not easy. Chin up, things will be better.

[Teddy057]

Ughh, cmac, it's been a month and like you said, i have my bad days and even worse days... Man, this sucks. I'm at the point where im just angry that someone could do this, I want to go scream at her and make her feel like complete shit. I know I know, that won't accomplish anything, it will just lower her already extremely low self-esteem. I even have 2 jobs now, college just ended so I started summer, and wow it still hasn't even slightly improved. I find myself gazing off in to the past and thinking how amazing things were.... Why can't I just let go?!

[cmacattack1]

Aye, I know man. If things were as great as your remembered it though, it wouldn't have ended would it? She wasn't happy, she wanted out, and this wasn't the first time. Of course, this feeling doesn't stick until it's actually done for good, or you are separated longer than you expect. Bad days, worst days, it takes time. It also takes more than just doing things to keep you busy, although it is a good distraction physically. It takes a strong mental stance too. You have to keep telling yourself that she can't be your one. You have to really believe in yourself that you have everything any girl is looking for and will be happy with somebody else, even if you aren't ready right now. Really trust this fact. Your self worth and what you have to offer is not measured by her rejection of you. You were fine before you met her and she wasn't in your life, you will be fine again without her (in due time). She will be sorry at some point too, and even if she were to come back tomorrow and beg for you to be back, would you take her back? Rationally, no you shouldn't. So what are you so upset about if you have to be on your own regardless?

Besides, getting back into a relationship wouldn't work out because neither of you are ready. And when you finally are ready, you will be okay on your own and not even need to be with her in the first place.

[Teddy057]

Thank you cmac, I really appreciate all the advice you've given me