Ex doesn't seem to know what he wants

[Naive]

Hi everyone! Well my problem is that my boyfriend/ex have been on and off for so long.
We officially broke up 16th feb but he got scared of losing me so we decided to 'exclusively date' and take things a bit slower as we did rush into getting together. Things were going fine, we've always been a very close couple of it was like we were bf/gf anyway. He even stated that I was the perfect girl for him and he knew we'd spend our lives together.

Until a couple of weeks ago, he started hanging round with his friends more and spending more time away from me. I voiced my concerns that I saw the end, he said I was being silly but dumped me again a couple of days later for no real reason other than he wasn't sure if he 'felt it' anymore. Up to this we'd be perfectly happy and I never saw it coming.

So I carried on, stopped contacting him when late one night he text me saying he still didn't know what he wanted. To cut a long story short these past couple of weeks we've been spending time together trying to see if it will work - we've both been through a rough patch with him working alot and me starting a new job.

But here's the bit I don't understand - he keeps SAYING he doesn't know what he wants, he SAYS he doesn't know if the feelings are still there and he even said he's not too sure he'd be bothered if we ended it.
But his ACTIONS show something else. He's still very close with me, still extremely affectionate physically. He says he doesn't know if he wants me but everytime he see's me speak to another guy or a guy friend posts on my facebook etc he gets a spark of jealousy.

Last night he gave up spending time with his friends to see me, we stayed in and got onto him saying how he didn't want to find anyone else as he'd got me and he really liked me (not love anymore) ... then we got in a minor disagreement and he said he wasnt sure if he wanted this anymore.

He's "ended" it with me a few times but everytime he keeps giving me one more chance (his choice). It seems everytime we give it a go things are better than ever and he's telling me how special i am ... then the next day he's not feeling it again.

I just can't seem to work him out, I'd be crushed to lose him but I can't work out whether I should go on his words or his actions.
His actions show he really cares but his words seem that he's not bothered.

[Loveramix]

i would never behave this way with someone i respect.

He's obviously lacking respect towards you, he made you into his plaything, and now you have to show him who's the boss. Dump him. Don't contact him. wait. If he doesnt come back...you'll know for sure. If he comes back...i bet he won't play the same shit over. And don't make it too easy for him to come back.

[xxazurexx]

He treats you this way and because that is how you allow him to treat you.
The guy knows that he can say what he wants, do what he wants and you will go running back regardless and whenever he clicks his fingers.
While you continue to allow this behaviour, he will have no incentive to change/nor will he change. He will continue to disrespect you, because what is there for him to respect? You continue to disrespect yourself by putting up with his crap.

If I was with a guy like this, here is what I'd do.

Next time he pulls the crap and says 'I don't know what I want', etc, etc, say this to him.

"You know (insert name) I've been thinking that maybe you are right. Maybe we do need some time away from each other. I care about you a lot and always will, but things just don't seem to be working out anymore between us'....

This guy will then literally shit himself!!

Why? Because you are now rejecting him....and he's sooo used to being the one rejecting you!

[cmacattack1]

I think you have it hammered in your head from this guy that you are the problem, that it's you that is the screw up. So it seems from you saying "he is giving me chances, etc. etc." He has an equal role in this and is contributing as well. I know when you are dumped, you feel like you are the one that is wrong but how he feels about you does not measure how much self worth you have. He seems very confused about how he feels, and the fact that he is dumping you as often as he changes his clothes is very troubling. Break ups are serious events, it's when you want the relationship to end. It's not intended to be thrown out there only to get lonely and get back together a few days later.

When you get into that cycle of breaking up and getting back together, it's headed down a bad path. He is keeping you hooked until he meets somebody else or you completely lose your mind and never want to be with him again. I'm saying this because I was in a relationship like this through most of college. I was your boyfriend, dumping my girlfriend when I was sick of her but asking for her back when I didn't want her to be with anybody else. We thought love would make it work and conquer all, but it didn't and it doesn't. We were the same people getting back into the same relationship, which didn't work the first time, how would it work the second, third, fourth, etc? I wasn't on my own long enough to really learn from my mistakes, and eventually I found somebody else and my ex was out of my mind. That somebody else put up with the same bullshit I pulled on my ex but was sick of it after a few months and kicked my ass to the curb without any chance of reconciliation. And that is when I finally learned and finally grew up. I respected her immensely for not putting up with my behavior. He is probably going to need the same treatment.

I know you are afraid of losing him, but what are you really losing? Are you really happy or just comfortable? There is more than just one person out there for us. You will be okay. It was scary being alone when my latest ex dumped me but I've become such a better person and grew so much from it that I don't mind being alone anymore. Save yourself the time and energy by breaking it off now and start the healing today.