My bf brokeup with me coz his love on martial arts much greater than anything

[exprezo]

I am new to this forum and I need help here, big time. I met my bf whom changed my view of what love is and made me feel "love". He is amazing and I fell in love with him. We were so happy together, we can even finish each others' sentences! He understands me and vice versa! He is 28 and I am 32 but he is a mature guy. Everything went so well until he left for Chicago to this annual martial arts meeting with his Japanese master and his fellow protégés for 1 week. On the 1st day back to LA, he immediately came to visit me, I know he missed me alot, so was I. But after that, I started to sense something is different. The love is different. He reluctant to see me as much as before, less txt messages and one day he told me if i have any goals or dreams i should just go for it n not stop it coz i fall in love. I was like "huh"?? Then he told me his ultimate goal is to live in Japan so he can be 100% into his martial arts n be with his Japanese master and his fellow protégés. Yesterday I asked him if our relationship has changed? He replied YES and he is kinda backing off coz he felt overwhelmed that I treat him so nice. Also our relationship has changed coz he is more focusing on doing his own thing plus the martial arts training than me. Relationship now to him is not a priority. He brokeup with me without even trying to work things out with me and see how it goes. I do know he loves me coz he cried when he brokeup with me but he told me, his love on martial arts much greater than anything!

Another thing:- He went from working 7 days a week, 2 jobs, to 1 full time good job after he came back frm chicago with 2 days off per week. He feels excited and finally got his personal time back. He told me he wants to do his own stuffs [end up I dont get much of his time NOW than before when he was working 7 days a week, 2 jobs!!] How rediculous

I really want to work things out with him, give love a 2nd chance. What can I do? I still want 2b with him coz I never feel so connected to a guy and never so happy with a guy b4. Please help me...please advise....

[javagirl87]

i would just give him some time. there have been lots of men i've dated who have suddenly decided they wanted to change their life plan for this passion they have at the time. he may really love martial arts but let him think on it for awhile if this is really want he wants to do for it (moving to japan). some people can be impulsive in their life decisions, especially if they aren't happy with what they're currently doing or are confused on what they really want to do. be supportive of him, and if this is something he really ends up wanting to do then it would be tough for a long distance relationship and you'll have to deal with decision together then. if this is just something that is on his mind right now and may change, he'll always appreciate that you were there for him while this was happening.

i know it's tough how he's treating you but he may come around. but if it's something that's making you miserable you need to reassess how much the relationship means to you if it's going continue on like this. maybe taking a break would be good for him to get his thoughts together about your relationship and his future.

[Gigabitch]

^^^ What she said.

[vashti]

I think he is recognizing that he has other passions besides you, and you don't appear to be in the same mindset. Maybe he feels responsible for your happiness, what with you complaining about the lack of time he spends with you, etc, and he doesn't like the additional responsibility.

Either that, or maybe he met someone else, and feels guilty about it.

[exprezo]

Thanks javagirl87. Your comment makes me think better. I guess you're correct. Why I said so? Coz after the brokeup yesterday, he went and deactivated his facebook account and I called him and asked if he blocked me? He said no but he is very confuse now and just want to temporary deactivate his facebook account. [he always does that especially when he is traveling coz he does not want people posting stupid stuffs on his wall]. So I guess what you said may be correct based on his action. He is a very nice guy and that is why I am asking for help here. No other exs made me feel that way and worth my time to try to work it out.

So, what shall I do? I mean as in take a break? Still his GF? No? Just ordinary pals? No call him? Tonight he will be meeting me up to talk about the issue. I am very nervous coz I dont want to screw up. Please advise, javagirl87 and other members, please help

[exprezo]

I want to thank you all who advised. We met up today and it's actually our anniversary day. I got him the Belgium fries he loved most and Japanese red bean cake with 1 candle lit up. He was moody when he arrived and did not even want to kiss me. He told me he is darn confused. Everything I asked him he replied "I duno I duno" Arrghhh...i told him I support his passion since day 1, now and later. I really want to work things out. Can you, please?

He kept giving me excuses that he thinks I should and deserve a better guy who can give me 100% attention and share my big heart. What the....

I told him "how abt I give you time to think thru and we meet next Thursday the 13th [May 14th is his bday]. Is that enough time"? he replied "more than enough"

He is so weird actually. Coz later his emotion eased up and he hugged me then looked into my eyes and told me "I just realize how much i love you"!

But when he left to go home, again he told me he needs to think thru and started being moody again. NOW I am confused

[lahnnabell]

What were you asking him? Incessant questions about whether or not things were going to work out? I think you would do well to take an active interest in his martial arts. Have you ever asked him about it? Ever been curious? Sounds like he might avoid talking about it with you because he thinks you might not care, and since he's passionate about it, it would hurt him. It'd be like if I refused to watch baseball with my boyfriend, or told him that he needs to stop watching so much baseball because I need more of his time.

[bah]

I am very nervous coz I dont want to screw up.

If you don't want to screw up then LEAVE HIM ALONE.

During the beginning of a relationship, there is a euphoria in the air aka the "honeymoon stage". Everything for the male and female is about each other.

After the honeymoon stage, things begin to turn back to normal. Each person in a relationship is an individual and needs time / room to work on their OWN things. This is the point where most women screw up because they see the male not giving her as much attention and assume that something is wrong with the relationship. This is a false feeling. Men will not emotionally make their lives all about us. Woman are just emotional creatures.

In order to get past this, you need to do more things for yourself. Get new hobbies, meet new people. I am not telling you to move on. He sounds like a nice guy. But I am telling you to stop making "him" the center of your life. He is feeling overwhelmed & torn and your constant push for answers will only make him more confused and eventually frustrated enough to call it quits. You have to distract yourself while waiting for the answer. He said he was confused, it means you need to give him time to logically work things out in his own head.

As far as his dreams and passions to move to Japan, I can guarantee you that you two can make that work together but for right now, you need to leave him alone and let him figure out how to include you in those plans.

I'm sorry for the tough love but I see you making the same mistakes I once did and see others doing. Let the man breath!

[davidtorres]

that fool is weird. i will never give up my girl for martial arts. i love martial arts but i can juggle both. what im saying is if he truly loves you then he will make a way to work things out.

[exprezo]

Reply to lahnnabell:- The questions I asked him were:-
if our relationship has changed? He replied YES and he is kinda backing off coz he felt overwhelmed that I treat him so nice. Also our relationship has changed coz he is more focusing on doing his own thing plus the martial arts training than me. Relationship now to him is not a priority. Then last nite I asked if me n him can work things out as I'd love to give love a 2nd chance but his reply was "I think you deserve a better BF who can be there for you 100% coz I cannot give you the attention you want and it's unfair to u"

I never stop him from his passion, to be honest and I did ask abt it but he doesn't like me to ask abt the martial arts..he says he likes to keep low profile. But he did show me pics of his meeting/seminar in Chicago, the entire trip and how happy he was with his fellow apparentice. I always try to "get involve" in the Jujitsu martial arts passion of his coz I myself was a blue belt in Taekwondo.

Reply to Bah: Thanks a lot for the advice and I have to agree that you're correct [as well as others who advised me here - thanks!] But I actually still regard this as our honeymoon stage, coz we started going official april 3rd [that's why I said last nite was our anniversary - 1 month]. So I listen to you guys' advice and I gave him not 1 day but 10 days to think things thru and respond to me on May 13th.

Did I tell you guys that he temp. shut down his Facebook account on the day he brokeup with me coz he said he is darn confused n wants to think thru. He told me he does not know what he wants and how to deal with it.

I thinking abt myself as well..if we get back together and should he goes to Japan [that is like probably 1 yr or 1.5 yrs from now when he settles everything in the USA] I can go with him. We both will be teaching English for a living. It's also my dream to explore overseas before I die.

I agree I am very emotional person but I have learned from my mistakes and I really treasure this relationship with this guy who put smile on my face, who tuck me into bed, who loves me. So, I am holding myself here, very tough time for me, waiting for his answer 10 days later. 10 days no calls, no txt, no meet him...it's very tough for me.

It's risky coz his answer by then MAY be..."still breakup"..it's 50/50 chance for me.

[bah]

I am very close in your situation right now. You have to keep holding out and face the fact that you might very well lose this man. It's a risk BUT let me tell you that if he truly wants to go it is better that he does it now, than decide to go later. It will hurt like hell for you but the more you attach to him, the more he will just run away from being overwhelmed and all he will see is you requiring too much of his attention that gets in the way of his passions. By backing off you have more of a chance than by trying to cling too hard. I might lose the guy I love, too and he, too might be moving to a different country. It's sad but maybe life has a better man to offer one day who won't do that to us.

[QueenofCorona]

Thats just odd. Don't let his roundhouse, karatke chopping ass hit the door on the way out.

[lahnnabell]

I went through this last year when my ex and I broke up. He wanted to spend all day, every day living and breathing art and teaching, and he spent less and less time with me. We had moved across the country together in the attempt to really commit to each other. 6 months later after many attempts to fix what was wrong with our relationship, I had to call it quits. The phrase that did it in was, "You deserve to be a priority, but I don't want you to be right now." So, that was it. The next day I began packing my things.

You can't force him to want you. You can't convince him. In fact, all these attempts you're making to fix things, and all these questions you're asking are most likely only frustrating him more. He wanted some time and space to clear his head, and you haven't really given him an adequate amount. I think it's time to let go now.

[exprezo]

To bah: Can you or are u willing to move to where ever your BF is moving, like what I plan to do if my man is coming back to me next week? I m not doing it [my move with him] coz I am obsessed..no no..I did think that since I would always wanna try living in overseas for awhile to learn about other cultures before I die...maybe that is a good chance for me too and good chance for him to do watever he wants. We may NOT survive in Japan since their economy is worse than the USA but well at least we tasted it. I figure out with both our skills [he does design and photography] and I do SEO and social media marketing I think we can find some gigs outside USA?? Well I know it's too far away to even think...but this is how I reassess my relationship with him...

I am really wishing this will work coz I never met a guy who can put smile on my face

[bah]

To bah: Can you or are u willing to move to where ever your BF is moving, like what I plan to do if my man is coming back to me next week?

I really wish I could but in reality I can't. It involves my daughter and not wanting to move her around once more to a strange place.