Want to reconquer my ex, and she seems to care...(warning : long post)

[Loveramix]

Hello Ladies,
Thanks already for those who will have the courage to go through my post :
I met a girl(ahem…woman, she’s 42 now) in 2007 during vacations. Actually she was hosting me and a friend for a week. During this week, my friend not being fluent in english i ended most of the nights there talking to her for hours and hours(like 8 hours/ night almost).
We met again 3 months later in another town for a concert(we were both staying at diff. places), we had planned the trip together, and there i started to have strong feelings about her(before that actually…but i wasn’t sure because she wasn’t my type physically).

Then i planned to go again at her place to see if feelings were truly there from both parts. But i had an accident and was during most of 2008 on crutches, so we didn’t communicate much.

Then before NYE i write her a crazy email after a drinking night(the kind of message that is tooo much) about how i feel about her, how i love her way of raising her son, how to me she would be the perfect lover/best friend/mother(i don’t want to have kidswith her, i just see me well in a stepfather role).
Ends up again in another european city, and although she invited me as a « friend » it was way much more, and we spent 4 days as a perfect couple. Went to see her again, and basically even though 2000 kms are separating us, we still managed to spend 1 out of 5 days in average together in 2009, + the countlesshours on the phone, + thousands of pages of msn chat.
After the last vacations i spent there(christmas and NYE) i felt we had never reached such intimacy before, and that we were closer than ever.
Last postive phone call was that she was missing me sooo much even though i had been away for only 2 weeks, that she loved me, we had phone sex etc.

Then 5 days of silence. I was worried that she had an accident or something like this.Hopefully it was not this : she appears on MSN and tells me she doesn't love me anymore. we had a call i hung up on her after telling her that she was truly losing someone who could have gone further than ever for her. Story was she had just met again by chance her teen age boyfriend, had again a crazy crush on him, and lost her mind completely over it. She was crying because she was hurting me, she was crying because she couldn’t see her bf as much as she wanted because he had been in a relationship for quiiite a while, and had an important role in his family(took the place of the father of his girlfriend’s children etc). They were even planning to have kids together…

I could guess from the start this would miserably fail, but actually we had always disagreed on the fact that love was a choice, a seed that grows if you water it, and she was more the emotional type. So i wished her good luck in her new relationship, i told her that i would be really pissed if her boyfriend didn’t treat her the way he should, and basically that in any case she would remain one of my best friends(it’s the only woman i’ve met i can TRULY be myself with(except from family), so i didn’t see the point to be pissed at her.

BUT : i was devastated. I had planned everything to leave my country, and was actually going to do it in a few months. Even though i thought her story wouldn’t last…i was still alone, left with the souvenirs of the best relationship i had ever had. I never had a fight with her, even though that i usually fight for sooo silly things….

Anyway : to the current situation : we had contacts and a few phone calls for a while, then i decided to disappear from the net for a while(at least for her). It was just too painful. So after 2 months of no contact and not logging on msn, i log in. She sends me a message wondering where i had been, and we chat, and then phone call, and i learn that she is completely unhappy, story with the other guy didn’t work out like planned(i havent asked too many details) and after 2 hours of laughing about silly things, like when we were together(it was soooo refreshing to talk to her again), we went to the serious things. Since she was unhappy, i am unhappy, and last year we were both happy puppies, i told her that i would forgive her, that i was ready to start all over again, that she was entitled to one mistake(especially that now she agrees that love is a choice which was a condition for me to be willing to take her back…actually the only condition).
So we talked for hours, in which i told her too many nice things about her, about how she deserved to behappy, about how i would have closed my door to ANY woman for her, almost asking her into marriage(although i don’t want to marry her…just spend the rest of my days with her). To that she told me she wouldn’t start again because she doesn’t WANT TO MAKE ME SUFFER MORE !!!!(she was crying the whole time i told her what i thought about her, saying « thank you thank you thank you » repeatedly)
WHAT THE HELL ??? i’m suffering now, she is, and we would certainly both be happier together again, so she makes me suffer more by her silly answer. I don’t know how to interpret this.
Other thing, the day after the phone call, she tells me that her mother had died in the afternoon. So now is definitely not the time to insist about being together.
Problems are :
The distance, some health problems and addiction issues of my part which i have to solve(but i was always clean with her, despite drinking a bit too much at times). She told me she trusted me to be able to overcome all of this before moving and staying clean aftewards. Her social network which i enjoyed a lot was made of non-addicts so it was perfect for me. ( I wasn't even going to live with her, but to be in the same city as she was). I am sure i stay clean there, whith a bit of her help, and her friends(some which became mine too)

So after this call, i might have scared her by putting her too much on a piedestal, and by acting too much like a psycho in love….but ok she knows i have this side sometimes.

What should i do, how should i act to hope recover her ? i’m 34, and i have never met someone like her before. She’s truly the most amazing woman i’ve ever known, 100% honest, generous, fun, intelligent, basically i am thinking that if i’m waiting for luck to meet someone as cool as her, i could still wait another 34 years.
I cannot get her out of my mind, but actually the fact that we arent together anymore is not too hard…her reaction on the phone clearly shows she truly cares, but there are soo many obstacles to this relationship(i have to learn greek for ex), and the issues i have to solve before leaving might take one more year…the fact that she dumped me put me in such a depression i wasn’t able to function for 2 months. Now the hope of recovering her gave me a huuuge boost and i’m feeling really positive, but i am aware that she might never be with me again. Still i want her in my life, and if i have to go live in another country to have a best friend like her i will. (and i hate my country btw).

Strategy i have thought about :
-being the best long distance friend possible, not harassing her, let her contact me most of the times(ok she has a LOT of friends/grilfrinds etc so stimes it’s not easy to speak to her everynight), but i’ll still instigate contact 1-2 times/week, a phone call if possible(we cannot hang out the phone in less than 3 hours, never happened), in 2 months go to see her(with a backup plan for vacations, it might be awkward for her to host me, but i’ll try to do so, because she usually hosts lots of people but when i was coming she kept the flat for ourselves. This time i’ll tell i’m not asking to sleep in her room and to stop her tourist hosting activities…After all i was invited as a friend for NYE and it ended in the best RS i’ve ever had.

What do you think ? any piece of advice is appreciated, any questions as well because every RS is complicated and it’s not always easy to figure out sth from a post, even a wall of text lol…So thanks again to those who have read the whole thing. How would you be treated by your ex you have yourself dumped(we had always agreed to stay best friends or almost)
How long would you be disposed to wait for him to be near you if all were to start again, would you even him to try to reconquer you ?
The last thing i can stress out is how much she was crying on the phone when i told her stuff like any woman, even miss Universe or whatever could have entered my room i’d have done nothing, because i respect her too much, i love her too much for that, and again i don’t care if she had done a mistake, we are all entitled to make one of this kind, and all nice things about she is someone amazingly amazing(i wouldn’t tolerate one more though… I can forgive one night stands during a long distance RS….not dumping someone after one year, especially when you have told him it was for life, that she would always be the only one for him etc.)

LADIES !!! HELP PLEASE !!!! THANKS A LOT

[lahnnabell]

I'm gonna let your use of the word "reconquer" be a language discrepancy.

There is too much drama surrounding this relationship. You mentioned that you are somewhat of an alcoholic? And you're looking to her for support to get you through this when she's got a child to care for? You are not her responsibility.

And what about when she up and left you for that other guy? She's flighty and indecisive. She gave up this supposedly "perfect" relationship with you, for a guy that she had a previous failed relationship with. She has a track record of flaking... What makes you trust she's not gonna do that again?

[Loveramix]

Nothing actually, except the long discussions we had about love being choosing to be with someone no matter what(meaning that you have always to respect the other, same goes both ways. Basically not believing in crushes anymore...and she told me this learned her i was right all this time about it..."the art of loving" essay by Erich Fromm basically)

But i'm perfectly willing to take the risk, so this is not the matter at hand.

ANd i'm not saying that she has to support my issues : the fact of being with her makes me behave. Even the fact of knowing there is a possibility of being with her makes me behave. If i leave my country with no more hopes than being one of her best friends it is also that i like her county/city(Athens) a lot. The thing that was not easy to deal with in the fact of leaving, was that i was not aware until now of all what would happen regarding most of the greek middle-class. THe actual crisis would have no impact about the business i wanted to establish there. Plus i am not willing to leave before i solve my matters. I just would like long-distance for a while, because it is needed for my insurance to accept surgery i have to get here(Plus i need to learn the language waay more). Then leaving once those issues are resolved. So i am not putting any responsability on her, the only one responsible for my behavior is myself, and i will have my issues resolved once it will be the time to leave.

So i'm not asking for reasons not to reconquer her. I'm just asking how a woman would best be reconquered in those circumstances, even if there is a lot of drama(there is not that much, it's just life and its traps/surprises and such imho).

So thanks for your advice but if i could mostly get advice about the sentence above, thanks very much

[lahnnabell]

First, you gotta lose the word "reconquer". Conquering someone implies that you want to own them, and most women nowadays would not stand to be owned by anyone.

[bah]

Nothing actually, except the long discussions we had about love being choosing to be with someone no matter what(meaning that you have always to respect the other, same goes both ways.

I'm sorry but it's not what she says, it is what she does. She left you for a teenager of all people. Tell her no thanks!

[Loveramix]

sorry english is not my native language : so reconquer hasn't any sense of owning her in my head(btw how would you say it in english?)

second: she left me for a 42 year old guy, whom she used to date in high school...not a teenager...i said teen age love, not teenager

About what she says or does : she said the opposite before about believing in her feelings and not acting upon decisions. After all she had only 3 serious relationship in her life : one guy she lived with for 10 years, another she was madly in love for 3 months and who cheated on her so she dumped him, and myself. (if we don't count the teenage love, apparently it was serious for her, but it didn't even last 2 months. After this slap in her face, she doesn't believe in crushes anymore, and since she has always done what she said(besides keeping me for life), i have no reason not to believe her.

Please, i don't want reasons not to try. I want HOW to try. THANKS!!!!

[bah]

second: she left me for a 42 year old guy, whom she used to date in high school...not a teenager...i said teen age love, not teenager

Ooops. Sorry!

[Loveramix]

Ladies, don't tell me i took the time to write a wall of text just not to get any advice...(this forum(the whole loveforum actually is quite frustrating at times...)

thx again

[bah]

Honestly, if you want her then go for it. But she seems to hang on to anything that is most convenient for her. Her actions don't make sense to me compared with her words.
Then again, sometimes people deserve a second chance.

[lahnnabell]

It's because of your wall of text that no one will read your post. Maybe adjust the spacing a bit, so it's easier on the eyes.

[Loveramix]

It's because of your wall of text that no one will read your post. Maybe adjust the spacing a bit, so it's easier on the eyes.

AM i even moar nuts than i think? i thought i had paid attention to the wall of text tl;dr syndrome... Moreover to get a valid advice, people ought to know what the situation is, and i could have written 10 pages more, it still would be incomplete. But those are the relevants element to my knowledge.

In any case, i cannot act at the moment...she ignored my "hello" on msn yesterday, but it's not really relevant...As i have already said, i might have been a bit to....far in telling her how much important she was to me. IT was a bit psycho-like, even it it obviously strongly touched her.
PLus the loss of her mother, plus the current greek situation as she lives with a pension from the govt...We both have enough matters at hand not to decide starting again a long distance thing.my hopes are that we will be long-distance close friends, and when the time will come to be short-distance, let's go, for better or worse and all the rest

So i'd like advice for this kind of long term expectations...

[Loveramix]

*bump* because i still haven't found any valuable piece of advice.....