Thoughts about a breakup

[Spitfire01]

Hello.

I've already made a few posts about my bumpy relationship, and I would like to talk about my current situation.

Let me give you a quick resume: I'm living in Poland, as a Belgian, with my Polish girlfriend. She's in her final year at school, and I have an (underpaid) job. I'm not happy at the moment for several possible reasons: missing home/family/friends, big arguments with her about marriage/future, unsatisfied at the job, etc ...

Lately, more than ever, I've been imagining, even considering breaking up with her. I'm just really unhappy at the moment and there are several reasons for these feelings.

I feel smothered, because we are spending most of our spare time together. She's very dependant on me, many things she doesn't want to do out of her own, unless I do some serious convincing (e.g. scared to go to the library, talking to a friend of mine for thesis-advice, things like that). Because of all this I'm getting annoyed often, lately quicker than usual, which sometimes leads to fights.

She's not grown-up in my opinion. When we have a fight she is acting childish, giving childish arguments, doing childish things. Sometimes during a fight she gets incredibly hysterical, picks her stuff and goes outside (in the evening), only to come back 5 minutes later and being 5 times more hysterical because I didn't run after her like a puppy.

Our 'future' is often an issue as well. Honestly, atm I don't see any future for us. I don't see us marry, having kids etc. I'm thinking ahead a month or something. She on the other hand has it all layed out: marriage (asap!), kids, staying with me for always etc .. I can't make such commitment.

When I'm with my friends from Belgium, or family (be it when I visit Belgium, or online). Or when I'm watching/reading news from my home country, a feeling of melancholy tends to hit me. I notice that I'm enjoying discussions with my Belgian friends/colleagues a lot more than with her. It just feels different.

Anyway, these are just a few of the things that are bothering me, driving me to a break-up.
But then when I'm thinking about the break-up itself, a few things are still scaring me.

First of all, I don't know how she would react to it. She's so dependant on me, and she's so fragile. We almost broke up a few times already, however during the huge fight leading up to that she would get hysterical and would try to kill herself. This always lead to a not-breakup. Also her crying during such times made me unable to go through with it. Basically I don't know what will happen. Would she kill herself? If i would do it now, would she even manage to finish her thesis and graduate, and be the teacher she always dreamed herself of being? Would she get over it?

Another thing that bothers me is the thought of a future without her. I know I would get over it. I can take a hit emotionally. However something that's on my mind and which I have a hard time imagining is the thought of her with someone else in the future. For some reason this feels so weird. Is this normal? Does this mean anything?

Also, since my home is abroad, what should I do? Leave all my stuff here and just jump on a plane? Arrange it so I can take my stuff home somehow by some car? Assuming she won't make a scene or do something crazy.

What to do? Please tell me what you think about it. Thanks

[lilly1185]

Get out NOW.

You'll probably want to warn her friends and family that she's been making suicidal threats, but keeping yourself in a relationship where you aren't happy is only going to make YOU miserable and suicidal.

She sounds very co-dependent, and sticking around and allowing her to be hysterical is a form of enabling. If you continue to stay, you're continuing to enable.
Therapy is something you could both attend if you're wanting to work things out- it's just a very long and difficult road.

Maybe take some time to think about it. Go home- tell her there is a family emergency if need be.
Then use that time to decide if staying with her is what you really want.
Do some research about co-dependency, and maybe Borderline Personality Disorder.

Sometimes space apart is all a person really needs to make a clear cut decision.

[Spitfire01]

I don't know if getting out now is even an option.

Telling her friends and family about this won't do much good I think. I don't even know if they would understand. Besides she has little friends, or at least spends little time with them. I think her family wouldn't even understand maybe why I would want to leave her. After all, in this country people are getting married way quicker and easier than where I come from (which is often not a good thing).

Also, assuming I would leave her now, what would happen with her? Chances are good that she would be devestated, and as such maybe not finish her school. I don't want that to happen. I want to be happy, but I want her to be happy as well. I know guilt is NOT an argument of staying in a relation, but I can't just turn around and run either can I?

It's not easy for me to be decisive on the whole breaking up deal. Partly for the reasons I already summed up. Also because often when I feel unhappy and down about my relationship, I always see those few things that are 'good' or not bad, and I keep telling myself it's not all that bad, and maybe I would make a mistake breaking up. I don't know

[cmacattack1]

Staying with somebody for fear of hurting them is just allowing it to stagnate more.

Not letting her go because you don't want her to be with somebody else? Selfish as hell.

You know your patience is running thinner and thinner, and the more you put up with, the more resentful you are feeling from her. You are only going to be able to put up with so much before you explode. Don't let that happen. If you storm out with a "no turning back" attitude, you may regret it.

I think you really need to think about how you feel and just lay it out to her. Not in a nagging tone, and not through a letter or something because then she could twist words around. You need to do it person and just tell her in a neutral, quiet tone. Then maybe head out for a bit. If you just bolt without saying anything, she won't know what the hell is going on and won't know what to think about while you are gone.

Keep in mind that as a guy who has trouble really having deep feelings for girls, I can understand how putoffish it is to have a girl NEED you for every little thing. Being dumped on my ass and on my own, I would certainly kill to fulfill some needs now. That's unfortunately the duty of the guy, the man in the relationship, is to provide for the female and give her security and make sure her needs are fulfilled. There is a difference between having needs and being completely incompetent of course. But to want to give your girl what she needs is something you are going to have to get used to if you want to have a long lasting relationship with her or somebody else in the future. Be honest with yourself and really ask yourself if she is being incredibly unreasonable.

The childish fights do need to go though. You have to let her know that dealing with her problems the way she does is not okay and not a healthy way to work things out. Remind her that she is a perfectly capable person and can do things on her own. Talk about how that maybe you guys are losing sight of what's really important in your relationship when you talk about kids and marriage and have it all planned out. What's really important is that you guys enjoy each other's company and HAVE FUN! All talk of marriage and no fun makes it sound like a prison and that's why you don't see a future with her.

Please, don't sit on this until you are completely sick of it. Take action. Now. For the both of you.

[Spitfire01]

The subject of our future together already came up several times, and most of those times it ended up in a big fight or her getting hysterical (even trying to kill herself with a knife etc ... : /). At such times I'm just trying everything I can to calm her and just get through the evening/night. The next day, or 2 days later it always seems like nothing happened (at least on her side), and it makes one forget almost that it actually did happen!

I know that as a guy you should be providing for your woman's needs. Now I don't have prior relationships to compare with, but there's limits to these needs as well. I like being there for my other half, and helping, and providing support when she needs it. However, as it is now, I need to convince/support her for almost everything she does, I need to reassure her for the slightest thing (e.g. her mom doesnt pick up the phone and she immediately starts panicking that something happened). It's too much for me, it's so tiring. I'm not saying she's unreasonable, but it's very demanding.

Regarding the childish fights, I don't know if she can stop that. When there's a heavy fight (often about the future) she just flips and gets hysterical. It's in her nature I think, so can she even stop this by chatting about it? We already discussed that several times, but still she does it. Everytime I'm trying to calm her and talk, but she still flips. I mean surely when she runs out hysterically, I'm not supposed to run after her and just give in am I?

And a last thing, I mentioned she's still finishing her school. How can I take action now?

[Jas_mine]

The suicidal 'attempts' just seem like an empty threat, a way in which to emotionally blackmail you. And they seem to be working because here you are, afraid to leave her in case she harms herself. You can't assume such responsibility.

Your girlfriend suffers from a majorly low self-esteem which is why she is so clingy and needy, and so unwilling to venture out by herself. You are her safety-net, her shield or armour from the real world. She needs counselling. Maybe there are mental health issues at play. Either way, she is extremely immature - there is no way she should even be thinking about marriage and kids when she is such a child herself. You need to sit her down and be firm, hand her an ultimatum, that she adjusts her behaviour or you walk, urge her to seek professional help. You must not feel guilty or responsible for her, you cannot be expected to stay in a destructive and unhappy relationship, it is unfair and unhealthy.