Too supportive or not enough? Grieving boyfriend

[Darkiya]

I really need a third-party opinion on my current situation because I get the feeling I may be too close to see.

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years now. We've had casual talks of marriage but are waiting until he's out of college. He's 26 years old, this is his 2nd major after not completing his first one due to medical reasons. He was an artist but lost partial vision in his eye due to a parasite in his eye that permanently damaged his retina. It was a major scare for us two years ago but we go on.

In the past few years he's had to give up his dream of being an artist to go for a degree in something a bit more practical. He lost his job and has been unable to find a new one in over a year on top of that. His aunt died last fall and last month his father passed away. The man is a complete wreck right now and has been for some time because it seems like life in general is constantly pooping on him.

I lost my job right after Christmas and after two months of searching found a new one. It's very stressful with extremely long hours but it sure beats unemployment and being homeless. I have a mortgage on a small townhouse, two cars, two cats and a pretty successful career despite being only 26. We're both the same age but success wise so incredibly different. I sacrificed a LOT very early on to get where I am today and I think as time goes by I'm getting a little annoyed with my boyfriend's lack of success.

I think he has a lot of potential. I also know that he is a very sweet, generous individual who is the sort of respectable gentleman that is missing from a lot of guys. He's a good man and works very hard. He plants and grows a garden for us to eat from each year, he takes care of all the house repairs and keeps the house (mostly) clean since I work a lot.

We struggle however more than we should because being the sole income is very grueling. I think I'm growing envious of him staying home every day and when he complains now I get irritated. I almost feel like he doesn't have the right to be upset because I have to do what I don't want to each and every day. When I'm sad or upset I have to suck it up because if I don't we'll starve.

We were fighting before his father died, about once a month we'd have some sort of tiff about him being unemployed. I'd get mad whenever he was late to class or would start complaining that he got points marked off on his grade for being late. There's no excuse in my opinion for him to ever be late when he has no job. He doesn't have a valid excuse for late assignments, late anything because all he has on his plate is college.

Now that his father has passed away he's more of a wreck. He gets into boughts of random depression where he can't sleep or eat. Today he asked me if I'd be mad if he took time off from college.

I've never lost a parent. I've never actually lost anyone really close to me as every death in the family has never been someone I felt "attached" to like a parent. I don't know how he feels, I don't know what he needs. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can though the concept of dropping out of college at age 26 with no degree, no job just screams "BAD IDEA" from a realistic standpoint. Telling him "suck it up" just seems cruel though, am I being overly callous?

[Gigabitch]

He's on a downward spiral. What is he expecting to do with his time if he takes time off from college? It seems like a bad idea to me. I can imagine him just laying in bed all day. Summer term is coming up, and most people take that off anyway, but I think you should insist he go back in the fall or he has to move out.

So I'm a bitch. So what?

[RdHrshyKss]

giga, that isn't bitchy, it's tough love. he needs support, but supporting shitty decisions is the worst idea. he needs to know that dwelling on his depression will only make it worse. he needs to push through it and the only way to do it is to busy himself with college. i'm sure his father wouldn't have wanted him to quit school...

[Gigabitch]

i'm sure his father wouldn't have wanted him to quit school...

Good point.

[carl1222]

I'm going to put a slightly different spin on this for your consideration, Darkya.

Your long-time boyfriend has gone through quite a series of hard knocks over the past two years. He got sick; had to give up his life's dream and settle for something less; had to extend his college studies as a result; lost his job; lost his father. I would almost think it abnormal if these misfortunes didn't spin his life's compass a lot.

You speak very highly of his temperment and his character, so I am assuming that before this string of bad luck started, he was a decent, self-sufficient boyfriend. If so, then circumstances have caused him to lose his way.

If you choose to stay in a relationship that's important enough to consider marriage, then if you're in for a penny, you're in for a pound (as the saying goes). Only you can decide the limits of your commitment to the relationship. After so long, you may be saying to yourself "when will it all end?" Barring some other unforeseen disaster, the answer is "soon" ... as long as he has the opportunity to crawl back out of the hole he has been pushed into by incredible bad luck.

So to answer your question ... saying "suck it up" may be justified, but probably not very useful. Nor is this a situation that warrants "tough love" because his condition is not the result of some character or behavioral defect. Telling him to "push through" his problems probably won't help much either. When someone is really depressed (as it appears your boyfriend is), these responses do more harm than good.

I agree, however, that him dropping out of college would be an incredibly bad idea ... just one more failure. I'm wondering though if his idea to drop out is in response to knowing that you have become resentful of and impatient with him because you have to carry the weight for both of you right now. I think the better choice would be to make an effort to suffer in silence, and encourage him to make the right choices rather than vent your understandable resentment, or burden him with anger and threats.

If you plan to spend your lives together, it's not at all unlikely that someday he will repay your sacrifice when you are in need. Remember ... love is much more than a feeling ... it's also a commitment to " love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy ..."

All the best to you both.

Carl.

[RdHrshyKss]

well said...

my only tiff is with the suffering in silence part. if he is considering dropping out of school to try to get a job and bring some money to the table, that is a good thing. i would personally be against that because a degree will give him the ability to get a better job and bring in more money once he's done. but, if he wants to drop out because he is depressed and is having a tough time with the work, there are most likely resources at his school that can offer him help. i know my university had counselors that were there for students to use, no matter what the reason. find out the real reason he wants to quit school and support him in getting the help he needs in order to continue with his regular activities. allowing him to wallow in his own depression is a REALLY bad idea. people who pity themselves and become extremely depressed, make it harder for themselves to come out of it. sitting there silently and allowing him to do so will be hurting him in the long run. be supportive, don't tell him that he needs to stay in school or else, just help lead him in the right direction so that he can make the right decisions for himself (like carl said).

i believe in self-fulfilling prophecy...dwelling on sadness and failure will only lead to more sadness and failure. he is in control of his life (for the most part) and it is up to him to do what is necessary to move forward. making the best out of what you have is the only way to get out of the shitter. he has something good right? he has you! you are there for him, supporting him, helping him with whatever he needs. if he is so depressed that he can't realize that, and you remain silent in fear that you will hurt him further, you risk creating a relationship with the defined roles of him as the depressed one, and you to pick up all the slack. you don't deserve to be the picker-upper all the time and he doesn't deserve to be the depressed-moocher either. help point him in the right direction before it gets really bad...

[cmacattack1]

I don't mean to sound insensitive here but we all have problems. While we should all be allowed to have our time for grieving, he has to understand that what he is doing is not really getting him anywhere and that if he continues to lean on you while you go out and bust your ass, you might not be there forever. This is about the time of your life when a person's character is not enough for a relationship. It worked for us through high school and college when we were bright eyed and full of promise and could be just about anything we said we wanted to be. You guys have to look towards the future and he has to make his contribution as well. Dropping out of school is another step backwards while you have you and his back against the wall financially.

I can't help but feel like these bad events are excuses to just stop trying. I can't help but feel he is digressing, especially at 26 still skipping and not going to classes. He has some growing up and maturing to do. I mean, I don't think his dad would have wanted him to give up on college do you? While you and his family can do all you can to support him, he has to want to pull himself out of this. Life moves on and our character is on perfect display in how we react to life's situatons. We can't give up, we can't quit.

This probably isn't a good time but I'm sure a break up has been weighing on your mind with all this stress. I think you should sit him down and try and get him to remain focused on what he needs to do for the both of you. Otherwise you might not be there if he can't handle his responsibilities....