Is it ok to love alot of people and enjoy it!

[JezAustralia]

Hey everyone! I have been torn apart be recent events over the last year and wanted to get the thoughts of others. Let me give you a little about myself...

I am a very friendly, smart, intellectual, and nice guy. I am romantic and I like to show a girl I love & appreciate her. I don't consider myself attractive, but I am far from ugly. I am built solid... lots of muscle & a little fat. I am short (162cm), 31, and the receding hairline has definitely made an impression I have ALOT of heart and love. I am quite possibly one of the most compassionate, thoughtful, and nicest guys out there. I have an education and am currently undergoing medical school at UQ in Brisbane Australia. Originally I am from the USA.

So given that brief intro... I am basically not like the normal guy that just likes cars, sports, and abuses women. I am a little more than that

Now here is the problem. I have been dating the most amazing woman for over 3 years now. We essentially have a perfect relationship. We never fight, we are passionate, we love each other, and I think she is the most wonderful & beautiful thing ever... every day... even after 3 years. There are problems though... Let me explain...

1.) She is catholic... I am Athiest. I respect her... she respects me. I ever attend church with her now and again. The problems come about as I was married & divorced back in 2001. I have a 10 year old son from that marriage that she is still unsure about after 3 years. She has never met him as he lives in NY with mom new step dad & step brothers/sisters.

2.) She lives with her parents at 27. Her parents are a huge influence over her and they don't dislike me... but don't fully approve because of the above & the problems I with school & work when I first "migrated" to Australia 2 years ago. They felt I was a "wander" and unstable. They also felt I was obsessive as I spent too much time with their daughter... i.e. my girl friend and the only real person I knew in Australia.These feelings were never expressed by my girl friend.

3.) I am her first serious BF. By serious... I mean the first kiss, first everything. I respect her faith and therefore we remain abstinent... but still intimate. I, from previous posts, have been married, children, other relationships & life expereinces outside of home...

4.) Valintines 2009. I asked her to marry me... she said she wasn't ready.

5.) January 2010. I moved from Melbourne (where she lives) to Brisbane for medical school... she did not come. It tore me apart & broke my heart. She had nothing to stay for. She lives with her parents (still) and works in a low paying & under appreciated job. This girl is educated (BSc. Ex. Sc.), smart (all HD's), intelligent, over acheiving, & amazing and her place of work treats her worse & pays her less than the receptionist. Unfortunately, no matter what I do/say won't convince her to move to brisbane

So... since January we have been doing long distance. We did a year of long distance in 2006 when I went back to the USA to finish my degree after studying on exchange in Melbourne (where we met playing Ultimate Frisbee!!!) Basically... the last year has been tourture for me. I have tried to suppress feeling with alcohol & marijuana... hoping that she would come around and figure things out. The stress has taken a toll on my health and I definitely feel the depression. The relationship I have with her has become so unhealthy... but I would still give the world for her.

So what the F*** do you do? Lol... Since my arrival to Brisbane and several conversations with her that really pushed the envelope with our relationship status... we decided to do an open relationship. It was decided because how can you break up with someone you love. I also wanted her to go and see other guys and figure it out. I wanted her to experience that I was a good guy and be with me... or find someone that may be better...

Well, for the past 3 months our open relationship hasn't been too much. To my knowledge she has not seen anyone. Which depresses me. I have gone out with others... but just as friends and nothing more. I am starting to reach a breaking point though because I am losing my feeling for her. Every time I think about things I think about how she has broken my heart... multiple times. How I want to share things with her but she doesn't. How she says she loves me... but can't follow through with commitment. I can't figure out what she is scared of. I don't know why she is still in Melbourne. Honestly... I don't think she even knows. It is frustrating and angers me. I want to scream but I can't. I want to leave her... but I love her and she loves me. I want to tell her I can't do this anymore because it is slowly killing me... but I know she will be crushed...

So... now to the point of this whole thread! I am starting to seriously consider the open relationship on my half. I wanted peoples opinion on everything. My currently relationship... what you would do, how you would feel... Is it right to stay with her and start dating others? We already agreed it is ok, but we did not put a limit. I honestly could love many people at once. Without jealousy. So if I dated, kissed, had sexual relations with other people in Brisbane while my relationship and person I loved was in Melbourne... would that be ok?

I am finding this hard. I purposely run from people because I am afraid of getting too close & intimate with someone and losing this girl... but at the same time I am starting to not care. Which is not good.

So... Can I date others locally and love them & enjoy the experiences while my heart is still with someone in Melbourne? The few people I have mentioned this too have said open relationships is like opening a can of worms... which always leads to trouble and the end. In many ways I want to make that move that makes or breaks this draining relationship.

Thoughts!!!

[xxazurexx]

If the roles were reversed and you were a woman in a situation with a guy who wouldn't committ, I'd have advised you to cut your losses and move on.

So I am going to say the same to you.

She sounds as though and what some would deem to be, a 'committmentphobe' and I don't personally buy that people are afraid of committment.
I think that when you are with someone for a long time and they don't want to committ, it's because they don't want to committ to YOU and for whatever reason.
They don't committ and because they are not sure if they want you for the long haul/or they think that there may possibly something 'better' for them out there. They arent afraid of 'committment' but more afraid of a 'committment' to the wrong person.

I was once in a relationship with a guy, who didn't want to committ. Funnily enough and when I broke it off with him, he was married 6 months later and to another woman.

If I was you I'd continue dating and as you are.

[JezAustralia]

Thanks XXazurexx! Shortly after I left to Brisbane I watched 500 Days of Summer... your post was my exact thoughts. Not that our relationship reflected the movie... but there was a lot of parallel! Appreciate the comment

[Peter Pry]

I am a very friendly, smart, intellectual, and nice guy. I am romantic and I like to show a girl I love & appreciate her. I don't consider myself attractive, but I am far from ugly. I am built solid... lots of muscle & a little fat. I am short (162cm), 31, and the receding hairline has definitely made an impression I have ALOT of heart and love. I am quite possibly one of the most compassionate, thoughtful, and nicest guys out there. I have an education and am currently undergoing medical school at UQ in Brisbane Australia.

And humble too!!

The relationship I have with her has become so unhealthy... but I would still give the world for her.

So what the F*** do you do? Lol... Since my arrival to Brisbane and several conversations with her that really pushed the envelope with our relationship status... we decided to do an open relationship. It was decided because how can you break up with someone you love.

You break up with someone you love by realizing that they would be happier with someone else. I don't care how compassionate, thoughtful, and nice you are if you aren't the guy for her. She certainly doesn't seem like the girl for you. This relationship is poison, and it is not going to be fixed by opening it. Open relationships never solve problems. Open relationships are for people who are supremely confident in their relationship, not people in deteriorating ones.

I am starting to reach a breaking point though because I am losing my feeling for her.

Excellent. That is what is supposed to happen when a relationship isn't working out. You need to let this go. She doesn't love you the way you love her.

Every time I think about things I think about how she has broken my heart... multiple times. How I want to share things with her but she doesn't. How she says she loves me... but can't follow through with commitment. I can't figure out what she is scared of. I don't know why she is still in Melbourne.

Why are you in Brisbane if you love her so much it's killing you? There are medical schools in Melbourne. Answer: your career is more important than she is. So actually, neither of you really loves the other. Just let it go.

I honestly could love many people at once. Without jealousy. So if I dated, kissed, had sexual relations with other people in Brisbane while my relationship and person I loved was in Melbourne... would that be ok?

Why are you asking strangers for permission? The person you should be having this conversation with is Catholic Melbourne Girl. We have nothing to do with it. The reason you are asking us is that there is a serious communication problem in your relationship that prevents you from discussing this with her. That communication problem will not be solved by you loving and having sex with other people.

And you're the least jealous person in the universe. That's great, but have you given any thought to her feelings?

Come on, man, think about it. If she has issues with you being previously married with children, if she is religious enough to insist on abstinence at 27, then don't you think she is going to have issues with you getting emotionally and physically involved with other people? You're not in love with Miss Holly Golightly here. You're in love with a religious good girl who doesn't love you back enough to be with you. If she doesn't love you then you're hurting her by not letting her find her love. If she does love you, then you're asking us for permission to hurt her. You ask why people break up, and this is the reason.

but at the same time I am starting to not care. Which is not good.

No, that is excellent. That is telling you it is time to move on.

So... Can I date others locally and love them & enjoy the experiences while my heart is still with someone in Melbourne? The few people I have mentioned this too have said open relationships is like opening a can of worms... which always leads to trouble and the end.

You already have trouble. You're already at the end.

In many ways I want to make that move that makes or breaks this draining relationship.

That would be breaking up. If you're the nice guy you claim to be. But instead of ending this "unhealthy" relationship that is "draining" and "killing" you, thusly putting an end to all the pain, you want to draw out the pain as much as possible with this open relationship business. You're going to devastate both of you.

And not just the two of you. You're also on track to devastate the girls you date in Brisbane, because you're going to date them, have sex with them, and then just like you've said, break up with them because you're "really" in love with Heartbreaking Catholic Melbourne Girl. Think about their feelings and how hurt and heartbroken they will be when you toy with them that way. Is that something a nice guy does?

[Kaius]

No such thing as an "Open Relationship". If you are free to date other people, then you 2 are not in a relationship.
Why would you even consider having each other date someone else?
You guys have grown apart. The illusion of love is just an illusion at this point.
You have already broken up, but neither has acknowledged it. Sorry.

[cmacattack1]

Everybody has laid it out for you pretty much. She sounds pretty set in her ways, the more you push, the more she is going to shove back. If she's so over achieving (I think you meant underachieving), why isn't she out pursuing something? It sounds like her parents dictate her every move and she is just following what they say, not really having an opinion of her own or what she wants to do. Hence her still living at home at 27 and working a menial job. Do her parents think that some magical Christian guy is coming to come knock on their door and ask for her hand in marriage? Anyways, the parents don't like you and the sediment is being echoed by the daughter. I honestly feel bad for her, she is certainly missing out on life and her lack of her own opinion and thoughts has to be incredibly annoying.

Maybe you feel guilty about how you feel now, and your belief of the girl that you WANTED to marry a year ago is still in there somewhere. But she isn't that same person. So yeah, just let her be. Don't feel bad or guilty about how you feel, you can't help that you aren't loving her anymore. Call it quits, let it go, and you never know where you will be down the road. Maybe you will run into her again and she'll have come a long way. Maybe one of those people that you went out with "just as friends" turn out to be something more because you gave them a shot. Life is passing you by and it's too short to be in situations like this.

[sehvral]

Can you imagine the future when her strict Catholic family discovers her fiance was screwing other women while in Brisbane? You think they don't like you now.............

I agree with the others, she's got commitment issues and this relationship is already over. Cut your losses now and find someone new.