I had an amazing female friend who decided to break my heart

[3DSMaximus]

Sorry this is so long, but please read and give advice. My situation is sort of tricky. I was never dating the girl but that didn't stop her from hurting me. I have been friends with this girl for 2 years and we have been hanging out quite a bit over the course of those two years. We would go to the movies a couple times a month, she would come over to my place about once a week to hang out, I went over her place a couple of times, we went to the state fair and a renaissance festival together, and we had Thanksgiving dinner together.

During all of that I knew she had a long distance boyfriend, but I couldn't help but develop feelings for her. She is about to graduate with a degree in something that I almost went into. She is not a geek, but likes anime and video games. I thought she was perfect.

About a year into the friendship she told me her boyfriend cheated on her. I told her she deserved better and that any guy who would cheat on her is not worth dating and clearly has problems. The problem isn't just that he cheated its that she, just like me, is a Christian, and she talks about morals meaning something. Despite the fact that morals mean something, she has no problem dating a guy who has a long list of immoral character flaws.

He is divorced at 23

He has been in a threesome

He tried to dump her after she returned from the initial trip when she met him(basically a one night stand with a chick who lives in another state)

He slept around during the first half of the relationship

He asked her to marry him so she could save money on school, and than slept with his ex-girlfriend who was living with him at the time

And most recently he tried to Dump her and said they should see other people. A week later he said they should get married so she could move out there, and about a week after that he signed up to move to another country for three years. at this point she has probable spent 3 to 5 weeks in his company. Their entire relationship is through email and she is considering waiting for him for 3 years.

Now the main problem was that I was worried about her. I thought she was a nice, intelligent girl who was absolutely perfect who was just going to be cheated on again and again by this guy. I didn't want to see her marry him and get hurt. Recently everytime I would talk to her she would tell me how I am a failure as a man, and that her boyfriend is not. She just kept comparing the two of us and that really hurt me. After about 3 months of that she came up to me and told me I'm pathetic, a failure as a man, that her sister thinks I'm gay because I watch Japanese romance comedies, and that her boyfriend, who is a MAN, would never watch that stuff.

In an email I explained that I could no longer be her friend because I really liked her and was worried, and that her words were too hurtful. Her response came a week later: give me my stuff back.

two weeks went by and we started making small talk and she started talking about her BF. I asked her not to because it bothered me. She laughed at me and I yelled at her. I told her that she didn't care if she hurt her friends. I tried to apologize later but had a door slammed in my face, so I told her that I hope the next time he cheats that she grows a brain and dumps the guy.


This left me feeling like crap. I think I've gotten over her, but not in the way I wanted. Unfortunately I can no longer think about her without hating her for how she treated me. I never wanted to hate her, I wanted to make it easier for me by ending the friendship. I thought if I explained the situation she would be understanding, but she was rather merciless in ending the friendship. Is it over? Does time heal all wounds, or should I take a more proactive step and try to fix this? Unfortunately I think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I had an amazing female friend who, in the end, thought I was a joke. Luckily I move in 3 weeks and will never see her again that really upsets me. I would give anything to go back 1 year to when we were close. I think the only thing I've learned is to never let a girl tell me her boyfriends secrets if there is any chance I will start to like her.

[cmacattack1]

Why are you the one apologizing to her if she is the one that treated you like crap and said many hurtful things and wanted her stuff back so bad? Just curious. I think she knows how you feel about her in so many words and while it's nice to have somebody pining after her, she doesn't feel the same way. While I'm sure you know her and everything she has to offer, she also has this dark side that I'm sure you are just trying to find excuses for. If she acts this way with her best guy friend, ending your friendship is probably the best thing that ever happened to you. You don't need this kind of person that can just put you down and treat you like that because she's in a bad mood or something. That's not what friend's do. If she can see you when she likes to but then turns her back on you like this, it seems the friendship is so one sided.

It's almost like you guys were dating and she dumped you. The way she asks for her stuff back but then tries to make small talk anyway. Don't buy into it and tell her that what she did was ****ed up. I know it may feel like you lost her forever, but sooner or later you will hear from her again. She will probably feel sorry for how she acted and when she wises up to this fool of a boyfriend, I forsee a thunderstorm of apologies later on and some sudden attention from her. I can almost GUARENTEE it.

Yeah, their relationship is stupid and ****ed up. I'm not a religious person at all but what he has done was straight BULLSHIT. I'd give him a high five for the threesome, but cheating on her so much is stupid. Then he asks her to marry him when he is already 23 and divorced? All they do is contact through email? And she is totally fine with it? 3 years? Do you see how this is destined for destruction? Unfortunately, some people have to learn the hard way. You have tried to tell her but she is too stubborn and likes having life pass her by. It's a shame. I love how she compares you to her boyfriend and how much of a man he is. Unbelieveable.

So yeah, cut your contact, cut your losses, and let it go. You never know where you will be in the future, but for you guys to work it has to come from her and she has to want it. I don't think she does right now, but when she realizes what she lost, be it a friend or more, hopefully she will wise up to her antics and come to you with reconciliation. She won't realize it if she can still hang out with you and talk to you when she feels like it despite what she has said, so be sure to echo how you felt about her really hurting your feelings and being a cruel, shitty person. She'll learn sooner or later. It's not up to you to wait around for that to happen.

[soulsurvivor23]

You learned the wrong lesson bro. The lesson is, don't be the guy to listen to the problems. I don't know if you read my situation but in my case she had a long distance bf who had a lot of bad qualities that she would tell me about as well.. verbally abusive, anger issues, possessive.. cheated on her, broke up and came back many times.. And through this whole big emotional mess, I ended up pretty much being with her, being there for her, and all of that... while she was actually attached to this terrible guy and putting him on a pedastil no matter how he was treating her... She would tell me she loves him because no matter how many times he leaves he always comes back.. she would say she deserved to be yelled at because she did this or that wrong, she would say the problems they have are normal because every relationship has problems.. She would even say she understands why he cheated on her....

Two things..
A. She's not leaving the guy for awhile, and even if she does, she's not gonna get with you Your the comfortable friend that she can lay all her problems on, who she can count on to always be there and even let out some of her frustrations for the bf on.

B. She's not wonderful. It would do a great deal for you to realize and accept that the person you thought was wonderful, actually is not. That's the person you once thought her to be. Please do your best to forget about this girl. I'm trying the same... because being there is gonna make you feel worse.

[3DSMaximus]

I just read your situation and it is very similar. I went and read the replies to yours and they offered great advice. Thanks Soulsurvivor

and thank you cmacattack1. You told me what I think I need to hear. I don't think she will ever apologize or contact me again, but I can't do anything about that. I just have to try and forget her. And about the threesome, I don't think you'd give him a high-five if you knew the male/female ratio.

I wish she didn't have to learn the hard way, but I tried my best to help her and she threw it in my face. Thank you both.

[soulsurvivor23]

Yeah, sometimes you can't save people from themselves. She'll have to learn her lesson on her own.. But you can't worry about that. Just worry about you and making yourself happy, that's all that matters right now.

[IndiReloaded]

Hate is the emotional flip side of love and its a necessary step for some, to get to the stage of indifference. That is when you will truly be over her. Stick to No Contact and you will get there sooner. Good luck.

[cmacattack1]

Things happen when you least expect it. You'd be suprised. However, giving her the benefit of the doubt and reaching out to her is just going to encourage her to continue to act like this. So you gotta stand your ground as shitty as it sounds.