Just broke up with my Fiancee. Together for 4 years. help.

[Cosmo]

This is tough to word but I'm an absolute wreck and need some support.

I just broke things off with the love of my life.

I'm trying to word this as detailed as possible but its really hard to reminisce right now. As I am writing this I am realizing I was a floormat, but right now I feel like I can't live without her. The only necessary background info is that she is an alcoholic. And for the first half of our relationship was mostly recovered.
I've now just about finished writing this and I feel much better. This is not who I am, I've broken up with love interests over far less than an 1/8th of what this girl has put me through. I guess I was head over heels and too stupid to realize what I was doing to myself, and too naiive to realize she didn't feel the same way (though she said she did).


pre-post edit -- I've decided to take down everything I wrote except for the catalyst that caused us to break up.
-----

We started dating 4 years ago, I was halfway through college and she was working. We moved in together after 6 months, then due to college and job opportunities we both moved back home (though we lived only a few minutes apart). Things were great and I started living with her at her parents place.
We've never fought and things were literally too perfect for 2 years and then the problems started just over a year ago.

She slept with my best friend while me and her were on a 5 day break (I was talking about marriage and she wanted time to think), she actually proposes when we get back together, and then cheated on me with my best friend again 6 months later. I guess I was in denial and blamed the whole thing on my friend. He manipulated her is what I told myself. I haven't talked to him since finding out. I was there for him, but he chose to stab me in the back. I take her back after a lot of deliberation, say she has to build back my trust. The next ~6 months are some of the best of our relationship. This lasted until 2 weeks ago.

Her ex who has stalked her for the duration of our relationship (they ended their relationship 6 years ago, she had two boyfriends between me and him) started texting her again. He went through some major life changes like death of a sibling so she talked to him as a friend. I said she could confront him if she wanted (thinking it might be therapeutic as he caused her alcoholism... He raped her for a week straight when she was 13 on vacation with her family, she ended up dating him a year later because she thought that was how it worked). She said she didn't think she was ready for it.

In the last two weeks she's been out till 4:30am at a random party after her friends had all left, she kissed a male co worker (a peck apparently) she was out overnight at a co-worker girl friends house i had never heard of, came to my house at 6:30am because her friend had to leave for work (they both start work at 9:30 so already I'm like what?) and then we spend the rest of the day cuddling. A few days later she tells me she's going out with her girl friend and can't make it for the supper we had planned. So I ask her to call me to talk (I HATE texting). She then admits she's actually with at a hotel with the ex boyfriend from 6 years ago because he's in town, but he has roommates and nothing will happen and she'll be home at 10. 130am rolls around and she texts to says she's spending the night. I say i am not at all comfortable with that and she says im being ridiculous, that i smother her and that we aren't married. I turn off my phone. I couldn't handle it. She gets to my place in the morning at 6:30 am because her ex had to go to work (am I crazy for seeing a coincidence here?). She says they never did anything and she stayed because he was sick and she didn't want to leave her car there. She says she no longer feels affectionate towards me, and that the passion is gone but loves me and wants to give us a chance. So I agree but she has to cut off contact with her ex for that to happen. This apparently lasts a week but she has become very private and protective of her phone (we used to be very open and read eachothers texts).

Anyways, on Sunday (two days ago) I'm at her family's mother's day lunch. I have to leave to spend the night with my mother, girlfriend is supposed to join but she wants to spend time with her mother instead. Whatever. I don't hear from her until 4:45am when she tells me she was at a girlfriends house and fell asleep. Again I'm skeptical and really press her to make sure this is the case. She insists. I drop her car off at her place at 8am (I had driven it home from her family lunch) and we spend until 11 in bed until I had a tee time. While I'm at golf (no phones on the course) she texts me 12 times. 'i miss you, where are you, are you ok I'm worried about you!!! I hope your having fun golfing, I'm so bored' and things like this. After golf I ask if she wants me to come over 'no I want to nap'. I go over at 8:30. Anyways, after a night of strange dreams and a gut feeling I wake up this morning and regrettably invade her privacy. I just couldn't take it anymore. I became the psycho boyfriend that I swore I never would be.

I check her browsing history, e-mail and her phone. Her texts are deleted except for one from her ex that says 'ya' that she got this morning. I see she called her ex at 6:00pm on Sunday (2 hours after I left) with no phone history from the friend she was apparently with until 4:45am. There's also a deleted video of her dancing/grinding with a guy and kissing him in her recycle bin. This causes a tinge of pain as she claims she NEVER dances with guys at the bar, and I've never seen this guy before. So now I'm wondering how many guys is she 'interested' in. Her e-mail is the most disturbing though. I find an email from her ex that says 'I miss you, I love you' sent on Sunday. I find an e-mail sent from her on Monday, sent 10 minutes before I came over, to her ex that... ugh... was a ... sexual... picture of herself that said 'This is what's waiting for you when you get back in town sexy". I'm still speechless over this.

I confronted her and she gets mad that I snooped through her computer. (I almost didn't bring it up because I felt bad, but its kind of tough to ignore that email) I said "your the one who gets to be angry???" so now she says she has to get ready for work and can't talk. She says that maybe we shouldn't be together anymore and I laughed and said something along the lines of "you think?" and then I packed up what I could in 30 seconds and left.

She's sending me texts now that I've written this about how much she loves me but she's confused and depressed and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. She was sabotaging the relationship so i wouldn't care about her because I don't deserve to be unhappy and worrying about her my whole life. Since I left 20 minutes haven't gone by that she hasn't texted me.

I told her I refuse to talk over text messages, as I always have, but lately she seems to not care. I guess its easy to be cold and deceitful through empty words sent in 140 character messages.

Anyways, I'm glad I wrote this it was very therapeutic. I still feel like my world has imploded but I no longer blame myself and don't want to just curl up and die. I feel a little empowerment underneath of all of this denial, pain and sadness. This may sound ignorant but literally the worst thing I've done in this relationship to her was snoop through her computer and peek at her texts once in awhile (I only started doing this after the incident with my friend). And yeah maybe I have smothered her a little, but its tough not too when if I don't alcoholism takes over. I was her support to help her recover, but I guess the positive encouragement and reinforcement needed to help someone recover from alcohol is perceived as smothering when in a relationship.

All the cliches are true by the way, which they usually are. I guess I just didn't want to believe it. Breaks lead to break ups. And Cheaters will always be cheaters.

I still love her and I know she still loves me. It's too bad she took everything for granted and wanted to be able to have fun on the side but still be able to come home to a supporting loving relationship.
I do know I'll never, ever, be able to trust her again and I should have cut my losses a year ago when she hurt me more than I thought I could ever be hurt. I guess she proved me wrong a year later though. I don't think I am equipped with the emotional capacity to deal with the email.

This is probably just the most random emotion in my plethora of emotions coming through right now but I'm actually mad that she cheated on me with two guys that are both terrible people that I am far more attractive than (physically and emotionally), I'm not being ridiculous here either. I'm a good looking 'manly-man' sort of guy. And I know how that sounds, but seriously, my former best friend was an anorexic with a personality difficult to like and the newest guy is like five foot two with a 12 inch forehead and adult acne... I guess its sort of funny having this one creep to the top in my boiling pot of emotions.

BTW: She keeps texting me that she doesn't know what video I'm talking about... The video is like a grain of salt in the ocean compared to that email.

I just need support. If she begged me to take her back I would. I need strength to say no. I'm not her doormat anymore.

[lahnnabell]

Why do you want this BS in your life?

She cheated multiple times and had the nerve to tell you that you SMOTHER her? She's screwed up. You lost nothing here except 4 years of your life. Start taking that back by remembering what a douche she is.

[Kaius]

Hey man, I know it hurts like hell because you still got feelings for her. There is no cure for this except time.
I would really consider taking a trip or doing something now to distract your mind. Hang out with friends.
Go have fun. Don't sleep with anyone because it will get your mind back to her....which is not what you want.
Pick up a new hobby... meet new people...guys and girls. Distract yourself by not going to familiar places.

This is the best way to help yourself right now. I'm sorry it hurts so much. But she is really bad for you.
Think of it like this.... soon you will find a woman who is actually right for you, and you will be happy again.
It took me 18 years and a 12 years marriage to accomplish this, but I did it. I'm sure you will too.

Stay strong bro.

[Petit Papillon]

I don't understand why you want us to help you if it's YOU who broke things off








You already know that you broke it for a REASON.

[Teddy057]

Dude, this girl has more issues then most celebrities. Be glad you didn't marry this nut, it would have been a for sure divorce. Be thankful you didn't have kids with her, that would have been a disaster.

[Cosmo]

I don't understand why you want us to help you if it's YOU who broke things off








You already know that you broke it for a REASON.

Why do you want this BS in your life?

She cheated multiple times and had the nerve to tell you that you SMOTHER her? She's screwed up. You lost nothing here except 4 years of your life. Start taking that back by remembering what a douche she is.

I know you're both right, but I don't want you to be. If that makes any sense?

I don't want it to be over, but it has to be. I know its been unhealthy for me, I know I have no self respect left, I know I've alienated myself from my friends for her. I still love her more than anything, even after it all. It was love at first sight, I knew she was the one before I even asked her out. I guess she just wasn't the right one.

The sad thing is I think our relationship has come to this because of alcohol and the people her disease encourages her to become attached to. It was about 3 months ago that she relapsed and began to hang out with a new alcoholic friend who is, uh, the stereotypical out of control woman who will sleep with anything....I have to stop myself, look at me, I'm making excuses for her again.


So to put it bluntly, I need help because I'm hopelessly devoted to this woman who has done nothing but hurt me. The good times are just so great that I've been willing to overlook things, but its obviously not healthy for me.

...

Thankyou Kaius, your post really made me feel better. I don't have the money for a trip as right now I'm in between jobs (The joys of obtaining a BA in english and sociology haha). I guess I just have to look at this as a new opportunity and a fresh start. I've alienated myself from most of my friends, but I can always reconnect and reinvent myself.

Everyone has told me how bad this girl was for me, but I refused to see it. I thought love conquers all. And when she loved me back, it was worth all the hardships. I've been an idiot. Plain and simple.
I just wasn't thinking straight, like I said, I've had many relationships and ended them over far more innocent things than this... It's so stupid, I can't help that I love her but I can choose to love myself too I guess.

[Petit Papillon]

Well who wants that?
Whether you want or not, we are right and you'll be provided with a proof sooner or later. So it depends on you whether you want to prepare yourself for this situation or not.

And don't produce such long texts , anyway it's worthless, any excuse is worthless here, we won't change our minds on this case Hate it or love it

[lahnnabell]

Yeah, I didn't read that whole thing. I just skimmed for words like "cheating" and skipped around. Got the jist. Answer is the same

[cmacattack1]

She has plenty of reasons to do the things she did but they are not excuses. She cannot hide behind them and what she has done is not "okay" because of them. She has never had to take responsibility for her actions or be held accountable because you were always there in the end for her no matter what she did. Why would she have to change or earn any respect from you because she takes you for granted and knows you will always be there. You being a doormat in a way has stunted her own growth as an adult and human being. Being apart from her is doing you both a favor. This is giving you the opportunity to make something better of your life and it gives her the opportunity to grow and improve as an adult (if she wants to and tries to that is).

You love her and you can't help how you feel. I understand this. Be rational though. Is being in this relationship really in your best interests? Does she even care about your best interests? Is this how you imagine relationships to be? Because this sure as hell isn't normal, healthy, or HAPPY. You did this because you weren't happy. Do not feel guilty. Finally for the first time in your life you are putting yourself first here. And to do this, you have to cut absolutely all contact so you can get her out of your system. Not letting her text you about petty arguments about what she did as she continues to lie and lie to your face day in day out. I was one of those people that lied to my ex ex girlfriend and I was a shitty human being. She stuck it out with similar punishment that your ex is giving you and it didn't help me garner any respect for her or change how I felt about her. I was comfortable with her and she was a good girl, but that was about it. If you didn't dump her, she would have dumped you once she had somebody else or just couldn't handle how weak you were. That's the truth.

You have much to offer and you deserve better. You don't deserve this. You need to concentrate on yourself and work on being a more confident and self sufficient person. Not about her. Tell her to leave you alone when she tries to talk to you, you need space and her influence in your life is not helping you.

[reddishy]

i cannot even begin to even imagine the pain and the mixed bag of emotions you are going through right now... all i can do is offer my deepest sympathies. You are doing the right thing, for sure, and she has taken advantage of you far too long. She has made her mistakes and evidently doesn't respect you enough to not do it again, and if you take her back it will just prove to her how much you are willing to let slide. This is unacceptable behaviour in any form of relationship, let alone one that's meant to be loving an commited.

I read your whole post, and with each passing sentence it got worse and worse.. but i guess it's good to have some sort of outlet, some sort of record of your painful experience to help you finally let go of this out of control woman from your life!

You sound like a decent and nice person that a girl would be lucky to have, and with time yoiu will get over this and find someone new, who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Consider yourself to have had a lucky escape from this.. if you hadn't have snooped, you may have been non-the wiser and her actions will have gradually chipped away at you to breaking point, as i imagine it would do for me.

Keep yourself busy, and cut all contact with her. Don't let her worm her way back into your life.. as much as I'm sure you'd like to see her again, the healthiest thing to do is definitely to get a clean break and start afresh.

Good luck, and stay strong. If you ever want someone to talk to about it or just vent or anything.. feel free to contact me..

[Gigabitch]

She's rotten to the core, in my opinion. Too damaged to salvage. Now she can be somebody else's problem.

You know that old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"? This applies to your situation. You just kept putting up with more shit, didn't you? There's a difference between a nice guy and a doormat, and I think you crossed the line. It makes me nuts when people do this. You are not going to find someone who will treat you right until you treat yourself right, and step number one is refusing to accept disrespectful treatment like you got from her, over and over again. Women with integrity will take one look at that kind of guy and proclaim you to be a hot mess and avoid you like the plague.

Stay away from her and get your head straight. Promise yourself you'll NEVER take a cheater back again, or put up with lies or bachelorette behavior. If you know these things to your very core, you won't be inclined to act like a flinchy, angry buffoon toward your next girlfriend, taking out your frustrations with your ex on her.

[Cosmo]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their help. This forum has really given me outlet. During our last break, which wasn't even as serious, I lost 30 lbs and crawled into a shell. I had no one to turn to, I couldn't trust my friends and just wanted to die. I was feeling the same way until I made my original post. As I wrote it just really started to open my eyes. I realized how poorly I was treated, which in a way makes me sad because it casts her into a negative light. And even that doesn't make sense, I'm sad because my perfect girl just wasn't perfect. I'm and individual and should worry about my happiness before others. I've never done this, I feel its my job to make others happy and that translates to every aspect of my life including my sex life. If you interpret that as literally as you can then that's exactly what I mean. My enjoyment is derived from creating enjoyment for others. In small doses, probably ok. But I can't be like that. I need to take myself into consideration and this is a great time to do it.

I do have a question though:
I have (literally) a garage full of her stuff, I have a key to her house. Do I just drop it off while she's at work? I feel like I need to do it without seeing her, but I know it's inappropriate at this point just to go in. I've gotten most of my things already, just clothes and my razor and stuff like that are still there.
Does it break the no contact rule to message her and figure out when I can drop her stuff off?

------erased most of this message, im very long winded.-------

Erased the other stuff I added. I'm in a bad place right now. Basically, I wasn't ready for the singles club. I shouldn't have gone.