Do I have ANY chance with this guy at work?

[goblue22]

Please be gentle-- my ego is a bit bruised.

I have developed a big crush on someone at work. I have known him a bit more than one year. There are many problems with this crush: 1. we work together; 2. a LOT; 3. he's married; 4. so am I.

Anyway, I thought about him a lot and why I was crushing on him. And what I decided is that while I find him VERY physically attractive and like him a lot as a friend, I don't want to have an affair with him. But I WOULD like to have sex with him. I know this sounds bad, but my marriage is not very good in this department and, while I do not want to leave my husband (at all), I would not mind having some outlet for my sexual urges. Sort of a "friends with benefits" arrangement.

Long story short, I told my crush that I wanted to be FWB. He said he didn't want things to get awkward between us and that it would complicate things too much at work. I told him I totally understood, and not to worry about it, because I just liked being his friend (which is true).

Since this time, he is very nice to me as always and we continue to see each other alone socially-- lunch, etc. He acts like nothing happened.

So here's my question: Is there NO HOPE that my friend will one day change his mind? Or is it hopeless? Is there anything I can do to convince him that he can trust me and that I honestly only want to see him naked and have some fun?

BTW, I am an attractive female, same age as my crush. I am slim, fit, successful and have lots of male friends (none of whom would I want a FWB relationship with, for various reasons). So I don't think it's a lack of attraction-- we've had lots of flirting and I sense a strong chemistry between us. So I take him at his word that he doesn't want to risk screwing up our friendship or work relationship. But maybe I'm wrong........

[bloodtippedrose]

You might think you're pretty and wonderful and successful on the outside but you're horrid on the inside. Do vows mean nothing to you? Communicating? Spicing up sex life at home? putting ANY effort into it? No, youre pretty so you get anything you want without consequences.
Did you ever think this guy is attracted to you but he CARES about his marriage so he doesnt want to do anything? yes some people do have conscious's, hard to believe.
It doesnt matter if you screw the guy at work or not, because its obvious youre not satisfied with your marriage so if you dont fu(k it up now, youll fu(k it up later

[lahnnabell]

1. Never date coworkers. Not only is part of your personal life on display for all, but if things go south, it can make the workplace downright terrible for everyone.
2. Never cheat. You say you don't want an affair? Well, then you can't sleep with anyone besides your husband. In fact, you're already having an affair. You solicited someone for sex outside of your marriage.
3. You made the mistake of marrying a man that you are not sexually compatible with. That is YOUR fault.
4. You should be focusing on your marriage instead of selfishly trying to find an outlet for you to get your rocks off. If you've tried that and things aren't working, then get over it and file for divorce. You don't deserve the comfort that marriage provides if you aren't going to honor the commitment you made.

[girl68]

I think it's HILARIOUS that you think you have a strictly platonic non-affair with a guy whom you have a HUGE crush on. HA, HA, HA! Yeah right.

How is that NOT an affair (becuase you never intend to leave?) I'll bet little unsuspecting hubby over there will greatly disagree.

Bruised ego- bullshit. You're so full of yourself it's funny. Go back to bed with your husband.

[xxazurexx]

I don't think it will happen no.

The guy I think is continuing to be nice to you and act like nothing happened and because he probably feels sorry for you.
Maybe a tad disgusted and because you offered him it on a plate and knowing he's married.

He's probably telling all his mates, so don't be surprised if you get few of them come onto you, looking for a good time.

[VincenzoG91]

We had a pretty similar question last month, I think, from that Triathalon Jane. She didn't like our answers and yanked her thread. Or maybe the admins did it.

In answer to the questions posed by the OP:

It sounds like your colleague is a good guy. He is professional at work and he is devoted to his wife. He understands that acceptance of your proposition could pose a threat to both his marriage and his career. I don't think there is any reasonable way you will change his mind, and I don't think you should try. And forget about persuading him to trust you. The fact that you are ready to cheat on your husband is proof that you can't be trusted. What good is your promise if you can't keep your marriage vows?

For the sake of your marriage, which you still seem to value to some extent, you should consider harmless alternatives like a vibrator and/or porn. Even better would to talk about your needs with your husband, and possibly see a sex therapist together. Or maybe take a tantric yoga class together, or watch porn together.

For the sake of your job, especially during the current economic downturn, forget about having an affair with any of your co-workers, ever. It's foolish, unprofessional, and eventually can pose a threat to your career and reputation. If you really must cheat on your husband, hook up with somebody through Craigslist or an online site or something, and keep your messy personal life out of the office.

[Incognito]

.....I don't want to have an affair with him. But I WOULD like to have sex with him. ...........

This is a clear contradiction. Having sex with anyone else besides your marriage mate is an affair (even if there is no emotion involved, which is rarely the case). Everyone else has read you the riot act so I won't, but you either need to accept that you're in a marriage with subpar sex, or divorce your husband. Its selfish and unfair to go f*cking around behind his back. I try not to do anything that I wouldn't admit to at all in life. It keeps me honest. Its not a bad principle to live by. What do you think your husband would say about your arrangement (had the guy went along with your proposition)?

[cmacattack1]

I wouldn't even say the coworker is a good guy himself. Instead of saying that he loves his wife and that it isn't right, the only reason that he doesn't want to do it is because it could get awkward at work and might complicate things? Uh yeah, it would. You guys are both looking in the wrong directions and are growing apart from your spouses when you should be growing together. It's a shame. It really is.

They have a website called Ashley Madison. Maybe that could help you out for somebody outside of your work. For your non affair sex.

[lovelyladie]

You know your ego needs to be bruised, its women like you that dont give a shit about Marriages