Does He Regret It?

[s49florida]

Hey All,

We had a great thing. He was crazy about me. Had a lot of respect for me. I broke it off because I saw some warning signs I didn't like; I hurt him badly.

He was so hurt that he went around telling everyone the most private, harmful, intimate details I had trusted him with - things from my past that made people now hate me (I'm sober and totally different now.) I realize he did this psychological revenge thing to decrease his pain, and his ego was bruised. But he really destroyed my reputation. It was all he could think of to do to punish me.

To complicate things further, after I realized what he was doing out there, I became worried about my reputation and just wanted him to stop it, so I called and texted him on a few days for the next 2 weeks, telling him how upset and angry I was. I'm mad at myself because I let him know he had intimidated me. I even apologized for hurting him. He then had a family member threaten me to stop contacting him. So he set it all up that I can't even tell him how pissed I am as I continue to hear more and more things he's said about me. He put me right where he wanted me. He's refusing to speak to me, knowing it will make me implode.

Some time has gone by now, we've had no contact for 6 weeks.

Would a grown man ever feel bad for doing this? Does he know deep inside how wrong it was, even though he's got people around him who are validating his bad behavior and giving me a hard time? Will this behavior of his really work in the longrun to make him feel better? Does he consider this a "win" on his part?

And can I ever regain my respect back from him for acting so weak right after the break-up now that I haven't contacted him? My pride is hurting too and it's making me angry. He thinks he's cool for doing this to me because I've got a powerful father and he's getting away with it.

[Teddy057]

Honestly, it sounds like he's doing everything in his power to make his own pain stop. Also, it sounds like he is a very spiteful individual. How long did you date for? How old are you two?

He may feel bad for doing it, but if he does it won't be for a very long time. If he's trying to get back at you, he's probably fairly immature. I don't think his actions are about "winning" I think they're about making himself feel less hurt and boosting his ego in the process.

[xxazurexx]

I'm thinking that if he really did ever care for you, yes he will be regretting doing what he did and said.

I've stooped to revenge before when I was younger (not as in your ex did), but by a different means and YES, I regretted it and almost immediatley after.
Of course, I would never have admitted to him that I regretted it, but I'd felt really bad about it nonetheless and it was too late to turn back the clock.

[s49florida]

Hi Teddy, You're probably right. We're both in our mid-forties if you can believe that, we only dated for 2 months but knew each other years ago. It wasn't a long time but there were VERY strong feelings and he wanted to stay with me. We both have a history of drug and alcohol abuse and have both been sober for many years. But only I work a program of recovery. I was nervous about being with someone without tools. I guess I was right!

I've not responded to all the gossip at ALL and have just kept working my program. I think he takes it as my being "intimidated" or "weak". But it hurts that he went thru all that to keep me away from him. He's totally unnaccountable and knows I'm hurting, refuses to speak to me to even apologize. I just find it gross.

[s49florida]

xxazurexx,

This really helped me a lot. I guess I'm hoping he will feel bad, as he should. I don't want him "hurting" necessarily, as I still care for him if you can believe that. But I would really like him to apologize to me at some point - and sooner rather than later, so my own pain and anger will stop.

He is very sensitive and I wonder if he feels bad and knows it wasn't a kind thing to do to a woman. A part of me wishes he would come back so we could work it out. I know, crazy. I think I need to go on a date, and my friend is setting me up with a really fabulous, hot guy! He's just waiting for me to call...just a date, nothing serious. Maybe it will give me the hope I need to move forward. xo

[xxazurexx]

xxazurexx,

This really helped me a lot. I guess I'm hoping he will feel bad, as he should. I don't want him "hurting" necessarily, as I still care for him if you can believe that. But I would really like him to apologize to me at some point - and sooner rather than later, so my own pain and anger will stop.

He is very sensitive and I wonder if he feels bad and knows it wasn't a kind thing to do to a woman. A part of me wishes he would come back so we could work it out. I know, crazy. I think I need to go on a date, and my friend is setting me up with a really fabulous, hot guy! He's just waiting for me to call...just a date, nothing serious. Maybe it will give me the hope I need to move forward. xo

If you ever meant anything to him, which I'm thinking you did....I reckon that one day he will be back to apologise.

He is also likely at this point in time, thinking that you would never ever in a million years take him back. Because that is what I was thinking too and after I did what I did. I thought I'd kissed any chance of reconciliation goodbye.

While I would never have admitted to the guy in my situation that I was wrong to do what I did and at the time of doing it, I did apologise to him and 2 years later.
I'd wanted to do it far sooner, just the opportunity to apologise didn't arise until that period of time had lapsed.

Could take this guy weeks, even years to admit to you that what he did was wrong, but I feel sure and if his feelings were strong, you will get that 'sorry' one of these days.

[s49florida]

Thank you, xxa...all extremely helpful to me.

Peace!