What do to when both parties are pissed off in a relationship?

[Adrian]

Hi forum,

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and i think we both are starting to lose patience over each other's silly mistakes. For the past two weeks, we have been having several arguments a day over silly things (comments about clothes, honest answers, sarcasms, etc.) and we both realized that nearly everything we do just pisses each other off. These silly little arguements always leads to bigger ones till one of us can't take it and hangs up the phone. We usually just take a break to relax then talk it over later. But this process is starting to become tiresome and im worried that it might lead to a breakup.

We've tried talking about our problems and making positive commitments. Unfortunately, nothing really changed at all.

What are we doing wrong? What should we do when both parties are pissed off in a relationship constantly?

Thank you.

[xxazurexx]

What are we doing wrong? What should we do when both parties are pissed off in a relationship constantly?

Thank you.

Bit of a no brainer.

Ending it would seem the most sensible solution to me.

[Adrian]

Bit of a no brainer.

Ending it would seem the most sensible solution to me.

If that was the case, i wouldn't be on this forum asking for a solution.

We both want to continue this relationship because we still love each other very much. So i was wondering if i may get some advice on how to adapt through such situations. Running away from the problems just because we can't solve it, isn't much of a solution.

[VincenzoG91]

Still love each other? It doesn't sound like you two even like each other anymore.

If this is something that just started two weeks go, and has been going on ever since, then something else happened to trigger this. Dig deep and find out what that something is, and what to do about it.

[vashti]

It's not surprising that you are starting to become more critical of each other at the two year mark... by this time, the infatuation period is over, and reality sets in.

When my daughter was little, we would do battle over the silliest things, and because we would both be grouchy afterwards, we were overly-sensitive to any further annoyances, which created a cycle of bickering. I ended it when I realized she must feel unloved/unliked quite a lot of the time when she continually argued with the one person who is supposed to love her most. So I ended it one day, when I took her in my lap and smothered her with kisses and hugs while she was quite angry, when in truth, I wasn't liking her all that much at that moment. She cried, and then felt better.

So I guess my advice is to break the cycle of bickering by reminding her that you find her loveable, even when she isn't. Hopefully, she will reciprocate.

[Adrian]

Thanks for the reply.

@VincenzoG91
Yea, she was very stressed two weeks ago about school, work and friends.

@Vashti
Thank you for the clear response, it really helps to understand the underlying problem. My thoughts were just so clouded with frustration from all the bickerings to think thoroughly.

[girl68]

Has either of you made and effort to refrain from comments that will piss eachother off? The first step is where you've got you both realize you're pissing eachother off. The next is to do something about it before it happens.

[cmacattack1]

These petty arguments can really build up and help you lose sight of why you guys fell in love for the first place. First things first: a relationship is supposed to begin because you enjoy each other's company and HAVE FUN TOGETHER. Have you guys not done anything special recently? I'm not saying a romantic weekend away will solve everything and it will be all shiny and new again, but if you can go out and leave all your other cares behind, it will help you build up your stamina again to face these issues. If you can make it through a weekend without the arguing.

Another possibility would be to give each other some space for a while. We usually don't appreciate what the other person does and provides until they are out of the picture. I don't mean calling and seeing each other every day. It sounds like a "break" in a way, I guess there is no positive way to spin it. But it's another possibility. Risks are involved either way.

[bloodtippedrose]

That started happening with my first bf right before he cheated on me.

I agree with Vincenzo and Vash on this one, when you feel like youre about to get irritated or she snaps at something stupid then don't react negatively toward it. No comebacks, no blaming, no slight change in voice even, stay calm and loving and get down to the real reasons why you guys are getting irritated at each other. Maybe she is feeling unattractive or suffocated or stressed or she noticed something change in you she didnt like.. you will never know until you can both talk rationally to each other without fighting. Just always ask yourself "Is it worth the effort?" and if the answer to that question every becomes sketchy then its time to break up

[IndiReloaded]

Just what Vash said. Welcome to the End of the Honeymoon. Now the real work starts.

Figure out whether each others positive qualities outweigh the negative. If the answer is yes, the next step is to work out how to communicate on the issues you disagree on. Now is the right time to be doing this, btw before the bad habits set in. Get some healthy communication books out of the library and discuss them.

[lahnnabell]

vashti is dead on. One of you (sounds like it's gonna be you) needs to stop this cycle by refraining from entering into the argument. I know, the temptation can be great. She'll say something that you JUST HAVE to one up her on. Don't do it. You say you want to stay focused on what's really important in the relationship, then that's where you start.

Let's say she says something that pisses you off. Don't respond to it immediately. Don't say anything. Take a few deep breaths and say, "I really don't want to start arguing over something petty. Can we talk about this later?" She's probably gonna dig the knife deeper, perhaps by saying something like, "It's not MY fault we always argue!" Again, don't take the bait. Stay calm. This will diffuse the anger or frustration, and she will eventually run out of ammo.

If someone is making rude comments toward a loved on, it generally means that there is something going on inside that they're unsure of how to deal with. Perhaps you can take the time to ask if her day was okay. Maybe she had a bad day at work. Or got into an argument with a family member. It is very immature to feel that we have the right to project our bad feelings onto others, but some people have no other way of getting rid of them. They weren't taught how. This takes time and practice. Are you willing to be patient?

[Adrian]

Thank you everyone for replying. I really appreciate the relationship advice because it has encouraged me to make this relationship stronger.

Yes, we tried to avoid comments that will piss each other off and we both have agreed to talk over any problems. I really believe she is worth it and i'll do whatever to make this last. We both really enjoy each other's company, maybe abit too much sometimes. We previously took some time apart and it helped to clear our priorities.

I agree with you, lahnnabell. That's how i usually deal with the arguements but absorbing all of that after a long day of work is tough. Like you say, I just need to take a few deep breaths and talk about it calmly.

[lahnnabell]

You can even ask to talk about it later I know it's tough after a long work day. I had to do this with my ex, and sometimes I had to leave the apartment to keep him from verbally bombarding me. "I want to talk about it now." Then I would say, "I'm not ready to talk about it now." I would then leave the situation. I would tell him that I loved him, and that I'd be back later.

I remember coming back after the first night I tried all this and was astounded by how it changed his response. He was very remorseful. The time I spent away from him was enough to get him to work through whatever problem he had going on on his own. He then apologized for unknowingly trying to hurt me. Turns out he'd had a rough day at work, and it had nothing to do with me.