Her past seams to be making me jealous, completely irrational and illogical!

[lxsmileyxl]

I am really frustrated with myself lately. I have been in love with this girl that I worked with for about a year before we started dating. I have always had depression issues and never really acted upon them but when I lost my job my problems became worse and worse. Eventually It was taking a huge tole on our relationship and we decided to take some time apart.

At the time I was unsure if we would really ever get back together. At first she was trying to pull the "friends card" but I couldn't do that, it was just too hard. I would imagine the fact that I had no job, no school, no hobbies, nothing but her was a major reason letting go was so hard. Regardless, I was able to get by after a while. We still talked via text here and there and a couple months later we started hanging out again, of course, it didn't stay innocent for very long.

Here is where the problems starts. During the time we were apart I did nothing about my depression which got worse and worse do to the fact that I was stuck home alone all day everyday with nothing to do. When things first started happening between us again I told her that I was worried I wasn't ready, we rushed things and basically got back together. I was happy at first but my depression quickly took over. I finally got into the doctors and started my antidepressants today and my therapy starts in about a month.

Because I am such a miserable person to be around when I am depressed she agreed to give me my time alone if I felt I needed it, and if I REALLY needed to take a month apart to try to get a little better she was ok with that too. She really does love me, and I love her as well, but since my emotions have taken a turn for the worst I have developed a sense of jealousy that was not there before.

I am 20 and she is 24, I have only been in one other "serious" relationship which was more of a highscool relationship so... not a very realistic one. I love this girl, she is my best friend, but now it seams to bug me that she has been with so many more people then me, but why the hell should that bug me if I KNOW she LOVES me and wants no one else but ME? I have never been part of the crowd that runs around crazy trying to get laid all the time, I have always been a romantic, I have always wanted... well, exactly what I am being offered! So I don't understand, during our time apart I met a couple of girls but never took them out, I just had no interest in them, they just couldnt compare, but then when I am with this girl, these jealous feelings of her past come up that were not there in the first place! Could this just be a result of my depression and me not having a LIFE at all??? Is it a self asteam thing? How do I get rid of this! THANKS FOR ANY ADVICE!

[Alvy]

Well you said it yourself, she's with you...and unless you're forcing her at gunpoint to stay with you...I'd say she's staying with you by choice. I don't know about you, but that alone should put your mind at ease. I know it's a cliche, but if you want a healthy relationship, you should really try and live an independent life with your own interests/hobbies. Depending/clinging to her, especially when she's 24 and probably looking to settle down...yeah, not a great prospect. Surely by now you've found a job?

[xxazurexx]

I think if you don't seek some help, you will drive her away for good.

This jealousy is very likely to be a result of your depression and especially if you have never experienced jealousy before.

Look, despite how many partners she has had in the past, she is with YOU and because she wants to be with YOU. Even in knowing you have these troubles, she is with YOU and has STUCK BY YOU. Doesn't that tell you something?

[sunnybunny8212]

yea i agree with them.
if she's by your side, she wants to be with you, and that should mean everything to you that she's willing to
do whatever it is so that you're comfortable.

we cant tell you why you feel this way, but it "could" be from your antidepressants.
my bf was in a very depressing state when we met, and i did everything necessary to make him whole and happy, and
pull him out of it.

he was also on antidepressants and they do tend to take a huge role on your emotions, and it could be difficult especially wwhen it ccomes to
relationships. as of the moment were trying to wing him off, and he's made GREAT progress... its all mental :]
i also say you need to get out more. even if you go for a walk to the store, you
shouldnt be in your house all the time...

sounds to me your gf will do anything, but then you also have to give her what he wants to so in a way iits also a
partnership.... she helps you, you help her.
show her your appreciation, and get rid of the jealousy.

her past shouldn't bother you at all. you have to let it go, or soon you will be more upset with yourself because you lost her.
<3

[Kaius]

I have a similar problem, except I am 35, and my GF never slept around. All of her relationships were 20 years ago, before her 14 years marriage!
But fundamentally I feel you and I have something in common: we can't seem to let go of our partner's past. Either because we a jealous or just insane.

I am currently taking Prozac as antidepressant, and coupling it with Klonopin (anti-anxiety). It has worked wonders for me. Because basically, all of your
jealousy is INSIDE YOUR HEAD, and what your GF is doing right NOW doesn't seem to register in your head. What you imagine to be true, is actually
true to your brain. You can't accept her love when your mind is crippled like this. I am going through it right now. You will lose her if you don't aggressively
get resolve this.

Just hang in there. You need sleep if you haven't been sleeping. Sleep deprivation amplifies your insecurities. Start by sleeping. Then go back to your
therapist and get different meds. When this is all said and done, you will be happier, and your GF will appreciate your efforts. You do it for her, and for
yourself. Just do it. I can't stress this enough!!!

[lxsmileyxl]

Thats whats hard, shes about that age where settling is good, but whether its the depression or not I think I feel weird settling with someone who has experienced WAY WAY more then I have, I feel belittled almost, thats where that jealously comes in to play, I know she has been with older guys, MEN, and me? I don't feel like much of a man, I have always had a problem gaining weight, so I'm all skinny, I don't have a stable well paying job, I can't take her out to fancy restaurants, I don't drink or smoke, all things she has done with other guys, I feel LAME. Part of me feels like if I just went out and screwed around a bit maybe that would destroy that feeling, but I personally don't have any real desire to sleep around, I just dont like feeling this way. Its so weird, I can hardly explain it, but when I think of going out just to screw around for a while I feel like I would feel shitty for doing that, because that has never really been me. I love this girl, I might not feel romance right now, but I care about her, she is my best friend and regardless of what kind of love I have for her, its love. I dont know what to do. I hope this is all just a result of my prolonged depression, today is only day 2 of taking antidepressants, I hope that after a couple weeks I'll be able to think clearly. Any thoughts?

[xxazurexx]

Is it her fault that she has experienced way more than you have? Hardly and you can't hold her responsible for your not having experienced as much either.

So what if she's been with older guys, guys with jobs, guys with money who took her to fancy restaurants, that will all mean nothing to her now. You won't find many women who havn't experienced these differing things with guys. Thing is, it's all in her past. The past she had and before you came along and before she met you...it's history!

She is now with you and that tells me that you must mean and be worth something to her and despite that you can't see your own value and feel worthless.

I read that one of a mans biggest wishes, is that he will find a woman who can accept him 'exactly' as he is and without judging.

You have that and yet it's still not enough....

[sunnybunny8212]

^^ yup yup.
and uh, what guy doesn't want an experienced woman?
you should be happy about that, and accept it.

thats all you need to do:except it.

she sees something in you duh!!!!!


you've got to let things go, in any situation, because you just end up holding yourself back.
in my opinion, i think the antidepressants aren't a good idea. its hard as hell to get off them once you start....
and if you feel in-experienced---become experienced?

i bet all you need to do is go out more.
ALSO!! oh! working out would make you feel great, and give you some build you know? its also a GREAT stress reliever.

stop complaining sweets! just do something, and try to take our advice to heart, and then make your own decisions!

don't worry, be happy :]

<3

[lxsmileyxl]

The thing is, I KNOW your right, but I can't help this feeling. When ever i feel this way I tell myself the SAME thing, what the hell does it all matter? Its all the past! She didnt know me and I didnt know her, thats just how it is. She loves me, shes here for me, shes standing by my side, that all means a WHOLE LOT but yet, I still have this insecure feeling? Its almost like I have a deeper insecurity that I am projecting on to her so how do I find out what my insecurity is and how do I fix it? Thats the real question I think, but idk what to do. My therapy doesnt start til june 29th! And idk if ill get a good therapist that will actually try to pick me apart and find out, I'll probably get some "cookie cutter method" therapist who wont even try to look that deep. I am trying not to be negative, but idk. I want things to be right, and I hate not being able to see the path to making things better.

[sunnybunny8212]

i understand, because my bf and i went through the same exact situation. well nearly...
i wish i could help more love, but i cants :[

either way, i say you should start doing activities....running, walking, going to the beach, lifting weights or something to ease yyour mind and thoughts...

maybe your body wants something more, like physical activity?
i know for a fact that it COULD be a start, because its what i got my bf into.

nothing crazy, just like every other day or so....
i wish i could say more :/

<3

[xxazurexx]

I'd just await and see what the therapist will say. These people are amazing and can usually and pretty quickly get to the root of a problem.
My sisters boyfriend is seeing a therapist at the moment and because he has real low self esteem and is really insecure, ...he says it's helping a lot. So fingers crossed it will do the same for you

[lxsmileyxl]

Thanks, this really helped give me a reference point for my perspectives. Fingers crossed as always, much apreciated

[cmacattack1]

You should be more focused on yourself and what's not allowing you to give your relationship 100 percent. Even your first post was mostly about your depression and not really too much about her. I see you writing alot about it, my depression this, my depression that, it's causing me to do this or act like that. That time apart for you should have been a time to really figure these things out. You have to ask yourself and really dig deep: why am I depressed? It's not a disease you catch from somebody. Am I depressed because I have nothing else going on in my life, for example. You have to really be the one to pull you out of this and she is not going to stick around forever if you are going to continue to act like this. Therapists are there to talk to and help you find out these things on your own, but you do have the answers within and you don't need them or medication to help you figure this out.

[lxsmileyxl]

Well. actually, depression and anxiety runs throughout my moms side of the family. My mom had depression around my age, one of her other sisters did as well, and her other two sisters have severe anxiety. My grandma had depression and so on, so I have always had some form of biological depression that I have been coping with however, in the last year I would say that it has gotten out of hand because in addition to my biological imbalances, I am now in addition going through situational depression. That is the only reason I am now getting on meds, I am hoping the meds will help me cope with the biological imbalance so that I can find the energy to deal with the situational aspect.

So I am pretty sure I have my reasons for being depressed down, I HATE where I am right now, where I am right now is nowhere, and as a result of my depression I have dug myself deeper and deeper into this slump to the point that I have nothing left of me to define who I am. What is frustrating me is the "side effects", so to say, of my depression. Ultimately I need to get a job again, need to get on a path to success, need to start doing the things I once enjoyed so I can be ME again, but idk how long that could take, maybe a couple weeks? Months? Who knows, and thats what sucks, time is NEVER on our side, she can wait all she wants but at some point it will be too long and I understand that, I have told her several times that if she cant do this its ok, I am not asking her to wait she is insisting, but either way, I ultimately want her to be happy.

Maybe rebuilding myself a SECOND time will recharge my personal security if that whats messed up right now, but I don't know, its hard to find a solution to a specific problem when you dont know what the specific source of the problem is. And answer is not always any good without a question.

[cmacattack1]

I'm sorry I wasn't trying to be insensitive. I would just hate to see you lose what you had again when you got it again. I have self esteem issues, depression issues, you name it, I've had it. It's cost me many a happy relationships in my life and it just got to a point for me where enough was enough. I had to figure out why I am the way I am. I don't live a horrible life. I am a good person and have so much to offer. I hid behind my issues as excuses for what I was doing and the truth of the matter is they aren't. I know what's wrong and I have to do my best to fix it. I've had to pour alot of time, talking with friends and anybody that would even listen to me digging deeper into my past, how I was raised and taking responsibility for things that I have done. And alot of my pain I brough upon myself.

So you don't have a job and have little feeling of self worth. You need to concentrate on that, get A job to start off with and keep working towards something that you WANT to do for a career. That will definitely help. I'm 24 and I live at home. If I didn't have a job, I don't know where I would be. Focus on that, and do things that will keep you self worth and help you work towards something. Trying to juggle a relationship on top of this will be tricky but you need to have money so you can provide for your girlfriend and give her security. To be able to pay for and do the little things that girls love. Love cannot and will not conquer all if you aren't living up the best of your ability.