..anybody feel like helping a damsel in SLIGHT distress? :)

[newyork09]

Hey guys, I'm pretty new to this forum, so go easy on me!

I've become involved with a guy at my university recently, and we've been getting to know each other really well. Lately we've been spending a lot of time together - usually we'll see each other in the evenings and end up having really long conversations that can go on for hours. When we're around other people, it's lots of flirty banter and teasing.

Over the last couple of weeks, this has stepped up a gear. Last week, we saw each other every evening/night bar one, usually just watching a movie or something in his dorm room and then staying up chatting for ages. I realized that we have more in common than I originally thought, and he's so easy to talk to, which I find very appealing. He seemed to really want to see me - 5 out of 6 times, it was he who invited me to see him.

A couple of days ago, I went up to see him after dinner and we watched a movie in the early evening. Within half an hour of the film beginning, there was some DEFINITE flirty tickling going on (initiated by him), and then later on he kept putting his arm around me or holding my hand when it got to the sad bits (I know it annoys you, but women genuinely do cry at movies.) By the end of the film, we were cuddled up really close, holding hands. It was a really intimate night.

(** it's probably important to mention here that we're both Christian, and we both are against the idea of sex before marriage, and have discussed this openly. Therefore, neither of us have those sorts of expectations. So the issue of this guy being 'only after one thing' doesn't really apply here. Don't get me wrong, I know guys still have urges no matter what they believe, but he is strongly against the idea of sex before marriage.)

It was from this stage onwards where I found it difficult to believe that he wasn't interested in me. He wasn't messing around in a boyish, sexually charged way, but he was really gentle and sweet.

HOWEVER.

The thing is, I'm not saying I'm the most confident woman in the world, but I AM saying that I believe this: that every woman has the right to have a man's full an undivided attention. Every woman has the right to be a man's first priority, and not his second best, or an afterthought. This is where the problem arises.

I have known ever since we started becoming closer that he was interested in another woman, although to what extent I have never been sure, because I don't think he is even sure. I know that he is very physically attracted to her, although he has mentioned in the past that he doesn't think that they have any real chemistry, and that although she is a lovely person, he doesn't know if he is attracted to her as a whole, or just her looks. I have witnessed first hand that she is the sort of girl who is very attractive, but knows how to use it to her advantage. She is very flirty and outgoing and bubbly, and this has resulted in quite a few guys showing interest in her. Despite this, I have my doubts as to whether she genuinely is attracted to most of these guys, or whether she just likes the attention. And I'm not just being biased!!

Anyway, having known that he liked this girl, it was never my intention to get involved. Having gotten involved, I am kind of hoping that either these feelings will go away, or that they will become surpassed by his feelings for me. We used to talk about his feelings for her in depth at the start of our friendship, although now he doesn't seem to want to talk about her as much. I'm unsure as to whether this is because he has developed feelings for me or not.

The issue reached its peak point of confusion last week. A group of us went on a road trip for the day, including the three of us. I noticed that although there were a couple of brief, flirty exchanges between them, that he spent most of the day paying more attention to me - he would make an effort to walk alongside me, he would catch my eye across the group, he even flirted quite blatantly with me when we were all eating lunch together - he sat very close to me, kept teasing me and joking around with me, and maintained a lot of direct eye contact. He seemed to barely acknowledge this other girl on the other side of the table. Naturally, at the end of the day, I began to assume that his feelings may have changed.

It was after we arrived back, and it was just the two of us in the car, that the girl's name arose, and I took the opportunity to ask him how he felt about her.. expecting the idealistic response of "I'm not really interested any more". However, this wasn't what I was told! He explained that he still didn't know how he felt, that he was confused and a "mixed bag of emotions", and that he thought he did still like her although he wasn't sure if he liked her enough to pursue her, or if his feelings extended beyond physical attraction. Surely if he had serious feelings for me, he would have tried to put my mind at ease by dismissing his feelings for her?

There are also a few giveaway signs that he does like her more than I'm hoping. Last week, before the 'film' incident, I remember him getting pretty annoyed when one of his close friends confessed his feelings for the same girl. He didn't like that at all, and he even expressed his annoyance to me, as if his friend was intruding or something. Also, he does tend to show signs of wanting to talk to her, even if these have gotten less obvious lately. Sometimes in social situations, he'll move slowly around the room until he's in her vicinity, or at other times he'll send her text messages and then keep checking his phone subtly for a reply every few minutes.


So, this is the conclusion of my lengthy essay.. sorry it's incredibly long. And complicated.

But I need to see this from a guy's perspective! If this were you, what would be running through your head? Would your feelings for me be genuine, or is this guy more interested in the other girl? This is a respectful and decent guy, who is proving to be just a bit tricky to understand. Any help?

Much appreciated!

[CAM]

Rule #1: I loose focus after ten sentences.

[bloodtippedrose]

(** it's probably important to mention here that we're both Christian, and we both are against the idea of sex before marriage,

cant relate.

I AM saying that I believe this: that every woman has the right to have a man's full an undivided attention. Every woman has the right to be a man's first priority, and not his second best, or an afterthought.

I hope you believe in the other way around too.




Basically, every guy has the cute popular girl they have a crush on and would love to date but never act on it because shes way out of his league. I figured this was the case with your guy, until you said that he got mad when someone said that he liked her. That, and him telling you how hes not sure how he feels, is a big flashing red light that he definitely has feelings for her. no doubt about it. Of course he cant tell you "yeah I really like her" after he's cuddled with you. If I were you I wouldnt be romantic or lovey or ask him questions about relationships or try to start one with him until his priorities are straightened out. You dont need to be the one he "settles with," his "second best."

Rule #1: I loose focus after ten sentences.

True. If you expect to get input on the guys threads you need to get more to the point. Maybe add some pictures lol

[Cosmo]

Rule #1: I loose focus after ten sentences.

I'm going to start by saying that was probably the rudest thing I've ever read CAM. People have done it to me too.

People are going through emotional turmoil and venting on the internet and you can't take 5 minutes to read their story. Reading might help you a little, maybe you'll learn not to LOSE interest. (Sorry, but "too long, didn't read" responses piss me off beyond belief).

To paraphrase OP and summarize for those of us who don't have 5 minutes of our lives to spare:
Christian with Christian guy, no interest in sex until they're married
Guy spends time with her
They flirt, tickle, and hold hands.
Guy has interest in another girl
She asked him about feelings for girl
He said he doesn't know
OP is confused because she thinks he has feelings for her.


The answer to your question:
Ask him if he is interested in you, don't bring up her. Ask him what his feelings are towards you. Tell him about your feelings. If you both like each other in that way you can start a relationship. I love when people say 'I don't know' about their feelings. It's pretty black and white. Do you like her, does she like you? Starting a relationship isn't all that complicated when people communicate. This doesn't mean it will work out, but its not like your getting married. Your testing the waters so to speak.
This other girl apparently has no interest in this guy and I'm pretty sure he's just holding on to a false hope that he has a shot, maybe? I don't know, without sex this is very complicated. Why do people chase 'tail' (IE: the hot girl instead of the one they get along with) when sex isn't the main priority.

Talk to him about his feelings towards you is my point though. Don't take an 'i don't know' thats such a bullshit response. It means literally nothing.

I like flow charts


You probably can't read it but the first diamond is "does he like her", second diamond is "does she like him". Last circle is start a relationship. If you hit a no at any time the flow chart ends.

[newyork09]

to CAM.. fair play! I tried to condense this, but as you can see it didn't really work.. although thanks to the people that did attempt to read this, despite its length!

bloodtippedrose - I absolutely believe in the other way around, didn't mean to make it sound feminist and exclusive to women only. Although, in this context, I'm fulfilling this. This guy is the only person whom I have serious feelings for. I wouldn't get anywhere near as involved, or even WANT to start a relationship if he wasn't.
as for your other suggestion, thanks alot. I agree, I don't want to be the 'second best'.

Although I have considered askng him straight out, I'm just not sure whether it's the right idea.. he's told me in the past he has feelings for another girl, in some shape or form. If I tell him about my feelings for him, there's a good chance that even if he does feel the same way, he might be struggling with his feelings for her at the same time, and knowing how I feel could just make things more complicated for him.

Or no?

And cosmo, thanks for the whole of your post, the whole thing was entirely helpful.

[xxazurexx]

I think he's crushing on her and his feelings are not being reciprocated by her.

Because she is not reciprocating/showing any interest in him, he's trying to deny/fight his feelings for her, with little success.

I'm thinking that you came along and you served as a 'distraction' for him. He thinks that with you around, he might get over his feelings for her.
But that doesn't appear to be working either. He would appear to be well and truly hung up on her.

While he remains confused, there is little chance of a 'you and he' happening - I suspect he wouldn't consider it and you would hear some classic line 'I'm not looking for anything serious right now'....

[newyork09]

yeah, to be honest that sounds like a reasonable explanation. it's probably the most logical as well. my stubborn mind just doesn't want to believe it! but there comes a time when you have to look at what's right in front of you i guess.

thanks for the help (: