Am I wrong to be the "other guy"?

[Exploderman09]

Hi anyone,
To spare you a very long and detailed story, I'll just start my predicament with a question...How is it wrong to be "seeing" someone you love and who loves you while they are in a relationship. This isn't a rhetorical question, I really want to know..
Basically me and "girl" fell in love after she broke up with her boyfriend awhile back. We never officially dated, but did everything else that it means. Eventually she got torn between her new love, me, and her old comfort of a stable boyfriend. Everybody and their moms knew those two as a couple, and I wanted her to get over him. Stupidly, I let her be with him to sort things out. They are now dating. We still talk daily, say good morning, goodnight, I love you, always know what eachother are doing, etc. But they continue to be dating.
We have totally different relationships; my relationship with her is very sexual and we're attracted everytime we see eachother, while the relationship with her and him...she admits there is little attraction. I don't know the guy, but I'm sure he's very nice. She has said she doesn't see a future with either of us, though I have been firm to tell her that I do and that I want a relationship with her. Both of us guys care for her, and I want her to be happy, but she never seems happier than when shes with me.
So the summer is here, we're college students so we fairly far apart...and she moves across the country for the rest of the summer in a month. Neither of us guys are going with though. What I'm asking is your perspective on what I should do, but also if you think it's bad to still be in the middle of a relationship? What if, if anything, justifies that?

Thanks,
Exploderman09

[lahnnabell]

You're settling for second place. You haven't given her any real reason to pursue a relationship with you, and she seems perfectly content to continue with this arrangement.

Yes, she is cheating. Emotionally anyhow. Think about it... Let's say you were in love with a girl and you found out she was getting emotionally intimate with another guy. It would destroy you.

You're letting her get away with putting you dead last. How about you ask her to step up to the plate? Yes, you risk losing her, but you never really had her in the first place.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't settle for sloppy seconds. Go find your own woman.

[girl68]

Yes I think it's bad. You never did 'let her go', that would mean LETTING HER GO.

[Gigabitch]

It's very wrong and it's very dumb. Remember the old saying: if she'll cheat WITH you, she'll cheat ON you.

[RdHrshyKss]

ditto to what everyone else said...

[Car Chick]

The answer is absolutely yes. A woman that is currently dating or married is out of bounds no matter the circumstances.

[medtechprincess]

I think you can probably do better than this girl. Unless you're honestly happy with the arrangement. Which it doesn't sound like you are.
You can't change her.

[Mish]

She has said she doesn't see a future with either of us,

Doesn't sound very promising does it?


What's wrong with being the other guy? In your particular situation it looks like you are just being used. She's with you only temporary and you are just prolonging the pain of eventual separation.

[xxazurexx]

Sounds like she just likes the attention and having you guys go 'ga ga' over her.

Obviously she views you as 'second best' to this other guy.

She doesn't see a future with either of you, yet she's busy dating him and getting to know him?

I'd personally say that it is YOU she doesn't see the future with - but she has to say 'both' and because it makes you feel better.

[mbdwaj]

If she thinks that there is no future for your relation with her then I believe you should just leave her and find someone else. Believe me I have been there and it hurts like hell as it feels like you have been punished for doing nothing wrong.

She won't change her mind and my friend its better to be in a one-on-one relation rather than a messy and complicated one.

[SealedWithAKISS]

What is there to do? You are not invited to go spend the summer with her are you? I wouldn't want to be the other guy. If you want love, emulate it. If you want to swing, emulate that. But make up your mind and heart.


She's seeing two people at once. Apparently, she wants multiple partners yet wants to maintain a monogomous image. She's a swinger in the closet IMO. Not monogomous material so act accordingly with her or walk on.

[RdHrshyKss]

She doesn't see a future with either of you, yet she's busy dating him and getting to know him?

I'd personally say that it is YOU she doesn't see the future with - but she has to say 'both' and because it makes you feel better.

really good point, don't underestimate how good girls are at manipulating a guy. they know what to say to make you think what they want you to think