Hooking up with recently separated guy

[La_Bele_Dame]

Hi All,

So I am absolutely new here and have read thru few of the threads to come to the conclusion that I might be able to get an answer about my issue.

So a bit of a background on me:
I am 28 years old and just got of a abusive relationship of 4 years. When I say "Just" I mean about 10 months...... I decided to take charge and move on (changed states) and I am starting all new.

Now I have been going out on dates and trying to meet new people ...but hadnt had any luck in meeting like minded guys ....until 3 months back,when I was out with a few of my coworkers and I met a really nice very good looking guy. Immediately we hit it off real well. Communication was definitely not an issue and for some reason I felt very comfortable with him.

Now he was honest and he did mention he is separated (been 10 months) and has 2 young daughters (8 and 5). I didnt think much of it initially when he mentioned that to me - since I really wasnt looking for a relationship or anything.

We started talking - would talk pretty much everyday and I guess helped each other move on from our past - thru giving each other much needed advice.


Now here comes the real issue - last 3 weeks we have pretty much taken the friendship level to one notch up - physicial relationship.

For both of us this is all very new since our last relationship. And I guess we both sort of feel guilty about it. We have a great chemisty but i have this feeling even if I might be ready to move on - he isnt. I dont blame him since he does have 2 kids (whom he loves unconditionally) and his ex -wife is very much involved in his life.

Each time we have gotten closer - we have talked about not doing it again but situations have lead us into this circle of things that keep happening. And I am scared I might be falling for him.

I dont know if I should pursue this or should just forget it and move on.

Any help will be appreciated.

[sookie6]

What I would do is to enjoy whatever you are sharing for a few weeks why not a few months without questioning it...

If it's more than sex it's worth seeing how things go...bear in mind that men (women too) do freak out if forced to analyse whatever is going on...after a while you'll be entitled to try to define the relationship, maybe just not now???

I understand you are worried about suffering again but you need to accept that it's always gonna be a gamble...no man will profess his love to you in a few dates and want to get married etc...it's always gonna be more complicated than that.

If you feel you can't cope with the uncertainty of dating you might not be ready just yet?

[lahnnabell]

I agree with sookie that you should just chill and see where things go. Accept that this may not work out in the end. That is something we all need to be aware of going into relationships. People need to be on the same page if they're going to make a relationship work, and that means communication, common goals, common interests, similar values, etc. A lot goes into making it work. You guys are still in the early stages so adding pressure now will only set you back.

I would temper how much you see each other. Keep yourself busy with other aspects of your life like friends, work, hobbies. Don't keep your phone on standby, waiting for his calls. I know you really want to see him, but now is as good a time as any to understand that this guy doesn't make up your self-worth. That's on you. His being around is not what makes you a great person, YOU are what makes you a great person. Besides, this guy has two other little ladies in his life that need to remain priority no. 1. Too many expectations too soon will 'cause him to rethink what you guys have going.

[Gigabitch]

Protect your heart, of course, but be optimistic. After ten months of being divorced, his ex should be moving away from being so involved in his life. He should be dating, and you shouldn't be too worried. Ten months is not ten days.

[La_Bele_Dame]

Thank you all for the great advice....

Just to clarify - I am not trying to move too fast or trying to make this into a relationship right away. I apologize if thats how it seemed.

I am ready to give whatever we have a chance and see if this grows into a relationship. But my concern lies in that fact that even though its been 10 months his ex wife is still very much involved in his life. I love the kids so I dont have any issue there but the wife needs to back off now....and it doesnt seem like either one of them is ready for that.

Keeping this is in mind - it sometimes seems to me that I may just be a rebound for him.... obviously it may one be for me but I really do see potential here.

I want to sit back and enjoy and see what happens but sometimes you just know that this could be a long ride and I am just not too sure if I want to ride it - if he isnt willin to try also.

I dont want to go thru another relationship where its meant to be doomed from the start yet I still pursue it.

I guess I am jsut a bit confused right now.

[lahnnabell]

Exactly how involved is his ex wife? Like, she goes to his place frequently, and not just to drop off the children? They spend quality time together? This part of your post is very vague. Why did they even split in the first place?

[MrXCinderella]

Sounds like a NO GO.

Kids in the way probably - if he's latching on to you it only means he is lonely - think for yourself but don't string him along.

Mister X Cinderella

[La_Bele_Dame]

Exactly how involved is his ex wife? Like, she goes to his place frequently, and not just to drop off the children? They spend quality time together? This part of your post is very vague. Why did they even split in the first place?

Well one of the main reasons they split up was cux she cheated on him (lets call him Mr. D).....he knew it for a couple of years but didnt say anything to her.....and then she decided she couldnt do it any more- and she told him everything.

Now she is still with that guy but she calls Mr. D whenever she has problems in her life with her bf. Sometimes visits him in the middle of the night cux she had an argument.... and Mr. D, I guess still cares for her... maybe thats why he doesnt say anything to her.

They just went to PA during the weekend as a family for their daughter dance show..... they havent told the school that they are separated.... Private school makes it harder....

The more I think about it - the more its clearer that I should probably just back out.... Let him figure out his mess first....I dont know its a little to hard but probably alot easier now then later....

[Gigabitch]

Sounds like he might still be sleeping with her.

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like he might still be sleeping with her.

That's what I was afraid of. too and it is why I asked you how they were involved. I sensed that there was some shadiness going on. This is definitely shady.

They're far too attached for him to move on properly. She's a big girl, and I'm sure she has some female friends she could and should go to for the kind of comfort she wants.

I think if you bring it up, he's going to get defensive and accuse you of placing demands on him. He seems to be perfectly content with the arrangement you have now, but you are clearly not, and you shouldn't resort to tricking yourself into believing that what you aren't blatantly seeing won't hurt you.

[Butter]

You are right. You should let him figure out his mess first but that doesn't mean you're just going to disappear, alright? Stay in contact with him, do the normal stuff. Unless he's figured out everything, you shouldn't be expecting anything from him. Enjoy life. Focus on things you enjoy doing or try to learn new stuff.