Can we still be friends?

[remini]

I posted this question somewhere last year, but no one replied, and the problem still remain, so this time I will post it as a new topic. Back to September 2002, I worried about my good friend who told me that she sufferred from depression, but then she just didn't reply to my messages. I wanted to help her, so that is why I contacted her roommate by e-mail. I didn't think it would cause a serious problem, cuz her roommate knew who I was, and her roommate had talked a lot with my guy friend before. Actually her roommate did reply to me about my friend's situation, that she had moved out already... Her roommate even said I am nice in the e-mail.

However, I didn't know my friend's roommate would complain to her about the e-mail. She told my friend that she is upset to receive my e-mail. Of course, my friend is very unhappy about this. She said I've invaded her privacy by asking her roommate about her situation. ( Her roommate promised me that she wouldn't tell her!) I admit I was wrong, but I really didn't mean to invade her privacy. I just worried about her. I really don't know what her roommate told her. Anyway, I apologized to her, and she said apology was accepted. However, after she recovered from the depression, she just doesn't want to hang out with me, and even doesn't want me to contact her! cuz she still feel unhappy about my fault. She said that she had to keep distance from both me and her roommate after this happened...

I really don't know how to bring back the good friendship with her. Is there any way I can let her forgive me? or am I really very wrong? I really don't want to lose the friendship cuz of this incident. I would do everything to save the friendship with her!!! Please give me some suggestions, cuz I've been suffering for this predicament for almost a half year already!!!

[memrie]

You are not wrong in wanting to help your friend out. That's why your a friend. You mentioned that you apologized for "invading" her privacy. I don't think you are or should be sorry for wanting to help her. With depression, it affects not only the affected person, but everyone around them. So its not really an invasion. If she is avoiding you, then she may be avoiding the prospect of confronting the issues she is dealing with. If your in school still, you should talk to a counselor, on your own, to maybe see what perspective they have. If not, talk to your parents or other adults, I'm sure they will each have a take on the situation. I hope some of these ideas help.

[Illusional]

half a year already? why didn't you deal with this problem sooner? first off, you're going to have to rebuild the trust if you want to gain her friendship again. just start out small by talking to her again and if she is the forgiving type, then you will be friends again. raverboy

[remini]

Actually I thought she has forgiven me already. I didn't want to explain much to her, because I thought she would forget about the bad things, cuz no matter how wrong I was, I did it only cuz I care about her, but obvious I am wrong. I guess the problem is in her roommate. If her roommate kept telling her the bad things about me, how can she forgive me? So, maybe I should contact her roommate again to see if I could explain to her roommate face to face.

[Illusional]

well it's true that people may forget about things as time passes, but the damage has been done. if you didn't deal with the problem before, she will only wonder you put it off. as you bring it up now, she may wonder why you didn't take of it before. raverboy

[Rew]

I wouldn't go through her roommate again as she wasn't helpful in the last situation. I think that your friend is maybe embarressed about being depressed, and didn't think your intentions were good (IE: get the scoop from her roommate and start gossiping) which wasn't the case. I'd maybe try to write her a letter and explain your true feelings, that you care about her and you were very concerned about her.. tell her why you went through the roommate instead of straight to her. I have a feeling there has to be some miscommunication because I don't think you did anything wrong.