3 years of serious dating... a "break"?

[mc1787]

this is very long, but i've been in a new city for 1 week, no friends, 7 hrs from any family… please help me

i am 22; my "boyfriend" is 24. i guess i'll use the term "boyfriend" for this post… too painful to call him anything else.

we have been together for a little over 3 years. since the first day we started talking, not one day has passed where we did not speak with one another. we are/were? best friends… told each other everything/supported one another/relied on one another/etc… BUT the entire relationship has been long distance

we met while we were attending different universities for our undergrad degrees. we got to visit each other every month though, and during academic breaks (summer, xmas, thanksgiving, spring, etc…) we spent longer durations of time together. regardless, it was a very serious relationship, and i know this (in regards to our feelings for one another/commitment to one another)

we BOTH talked in detail about marriage/kids. i didn't "read into" anything. he made statements about OUR future TOGETHER all the time. we were never officially engaged, but we both admitted that we thought of one another as each other's fiance… he gave me a diamond promise ring & we were waiting to get officially engaged once we had both graduated form college & he had the money for an engagement ring (full time students + spending what little money we did have on gas, etc to see one another every month= a fairly broke couple).

last month we both graduated & we had started "apartment-hunting." we both were so excited (or so he came off that way) about FINALLY starting our lives together-- with one another!

it came closer to the time where we needed to find a place to live together (b/c i was moving to further my education... i'm taking a post-bacc. certificate program for my career). once he secured a full time job, we would move in together (we BOTH agreed that i would do this certificate thing for 3 months, while he worked. then, he could go to grad school if he wanted, & i would work).

since it looked like he wouldn't have a job by the time i started school, i moved into the dorms last week. for the first time in our 3+ years together, we were only an 1 hr & 20 mins from one another (as opposed to what it had been… 4 hours). he talked about how happy this made him-- to be closer to me.

ironically, last week (around the same time i moved into the dorms) he accepted a "temp-to hire" full time job. he was excited & continued to make statements about our future… i thought the proposal was just around the corner. monday he visited me & we had a great "date night" together.

then, thursday night, he writes me a long email. i wont post the whole thing, as it is very long, but here is some of it:

_________

I feel like I'm standing on a launch pad waiting to be shot off into my "official life." And the closer it gets to launch time, and the more things keep changing, the more I start to think and worry. I start thinking "wait, I'm not ready! I'm not completely sure about everything." This grown up stuff has really come up on me quickly, and now that it's all here, I feel like I have to scramble to make sure everything is in place in order to start the life that I am sure about.

I feel like I've been speeding through my early adult life in a daze. And now that this is all coming to a point where I need to be able to stand on my own two feet, I need to take it seriously- to get back in touch with myself and to be honest with myself about my wants and needs.

*HE THEN ASKED FOR A "BREAK" …STATING HE DIDN'T KNOW ANY SPECIFICS OF WHAT IT WOULD ENTAIL, INCLUDING ITS DURATION*

I just know I would be doing myself a huge disservice if I didn't take just a little bit of time before starting my official life to make sure I'm doing everything right. In fact, our plans to be together and to begin a family doesn't feel wrong at all. But at the same time, it is scary because this is the last opportunity I have to take some time to reassess everything before making that first huge step by moving away from home.

I need to do this before I can move on with anything in life- to think about things (not just us, but also what i want in a career, etc). I need to feel like I am in control of my future- to both reflect on my past and visualize where I want to be.

…I love you and care about you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are always so wonderful. I am very sorry because I know how much I am hurting you right now, especially at this time when you're just starting at a new school. Just know that I wouldn't put you through this if I didn't feel it was so important.
_________________

I am BLOWN AWAY! i didn't see this coming at all! he was always talking about our future… up until Thursday! i thought i would be planning a wedding soon! im crushed… im in so much pain, it hurts to be awake. my body is literally sore. one reason i chose the school that i am currently enrolled in, is because it was closer to his home (his parents' house). now im 7 hrs away from my family, & he wants out?

He texted me yesterday (the day after it happened)-- saying hi-- i didn't respond. im too hurt.

PLEASE GIVE ME THOUGHTFUL & OBJECTIVE ADVICE…

Here is a little what I'm thinking:

-A relationship is not something you take a "break" from--- you work together when you're struggling as individuals; the relationship is a support system- not a burden

-If he REALLY loved me… he wouldn't be doing this… would he?

-i talked to him on the phone that night he sent the email… he said he still loves me, but we wouldn't say "i love you" if we talked over the phone during this "break"

-we've been LONG DISTANCE- how do u want a BREAK when we only see each other monthly!?

-he is having doubts of whether or not i am in his future (as his wife), then why do i want to be with someone like that?

I can't imagine not being with him, but at the same time, should I risk being with someone who is so scared about his future, he's questioning me, his best friend?

I am so in love with him… I miss him terribly. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate on school. AND IT'S BEEN 1 DAY!

The big question is, if he decides he wants to continue things, what do I do? No matter what happens now-- the minute that email was written- the trust in the relationship was broken. How can I go on being with someone, assuming if he wants to be with me, knowing that he had such serious doubts about us, that he needed time without me-- after 3 years!? I have so much anger towards him now… if we ever were officially together again, i don't know how i'd "let go" of those feelings.

PLEASE help me

[Teddy057]

I would like to start by saying, at least he's being honest. Starting your "real" life is a very stressful time, and maybe he's taking it out on you because this job doesn't feel right. Or, maybe he's interested in someone else and wants to pursue them. You know that saying, "Out of sight, out of mind" Maybe that's his case about you.

At least he's having these "doubts" about you now and not 10 years into a marriage. That happens all the time. The shitty part about breaks is that it rarely goes back to the way it was, because it breaks trust and really does ruin the illusion of what you thought was going great.

"I can't imagine not being with him, but at the same time, should I risk being with someone who is so scared about his future, he's questioning me, his best friend?" I'm glad you realize this, it's very wise of you. You DON'T want to risk being with someone who is doubtful about marrying you or even having you in their life forever. If someone thinks "Is this the right person for me?" Then it obviously isn't. You both need to have the same feelings for things to workout.

My advice to you is to move on, as painful as that might be. A lesson I learned the hard way is NEVER make someone your priority when you're only their option. Besides, only seeing someone monthly doesn't even sound like a relationship to me, it sounds like friends with the occasional monthly hookup. "-A relationship is not something you take a "break" from--- you work together when you're struggling as individuals; the relationship is a support system- not a burden" EXACTLY. If they don't want to work through things with you, and claim to need to "figure" things out on their own, then you don't have a very healthy relationship where both of your hearts are in it. Unfortunately, this is all part of life. I wouldn't hold on to the hope of this relationship magically being fixed, and I would begin no contact immediately. Let him know you ARE not there anymore.

[cmacattack1]

I don't want to say that he doesn't love you, I think he does care about you to some degree. It is a stressful time and this period in our lives is when alot of growing up happens, alot of change, and it's left him confused about everything. He doesn't know what he wants and his priorities are out of whack though, and unfortunately you are the sacrifice here. All you can do is give him space and let him figure things out. Ironically, the more you pull away from him, the more he is going to pursue you. He's afraid that he is making a mistake and wants to make sure you will always be there, hence him calling to "say hi" and all that. This is what he wants though, and as cold as it is not to respond, he has to live with the consequences. He should get the message when you don't respond, and if he doesn't, just let him know it's not fair to you and that he should leave you alone.

I think it's a good thing that you aren't thinking about ways to win him back. I can't tell you the panic I went through trying to win my ex back when she dumped me and how it was such a mess of a situation. Now it's trying to get your life back on track without him. It's been a long distance relationship, so I don't think too much has really changed, except maybe talking to him every day. If you've fallen out of touch with some friends, try and hang out with them again now that you have more free time. Focus on school/advancing at any job you may have, and going to the gym will help you get in better shape and feel better. You may feel like a reject and your confidence may be down, but just remember that your self worth is not reflected based on what somebody else did or didn't want. It's all about dealing and finding happiness in yourself again, and the next person will come along I promise. Or maybe you'll be hearing back from him soon once he's scared of losing you for good. Be careful though, if he's trying to get you back based on panic, he's doing it for himself and not for you, and you could end up in this same position in the future.

No matter what happens, you will be okay.