Too early to start a new relationship?

[NewStart]

I am curious as to how long people think it takes to get over your ex and start a new relationship. My pattern seems to be that I move on to the next person fairly quickly. After my first marriage ended I was dating someone new three months later. The new relationship lasted three years. After that ended, I had some casual dating experiences and found a new long-term partner after six months-- which ended up leading to my second marriage (4 years together in total).

Now that my second marriage has ended (she moved out May 1st), I am falling in love (OK, fine, I'm already there) with the woman I've been seeing since May 24th. Yep, that's only a three week gap. Of course I know that this must seem like a 'rebound'. It sure doesn't feel like one. We have a lot in common (shared values, positive outlook on life). I see that there will also be challenges (she wants kids, I already have one--and a vasectomy). I really care for this woman. I honesty feel like I love her.

I suppose I might as well admit that I will follow my heart on this one, regardless of the advice I get here. I just wanted to use this forum as a sounding board. If you think I'm nuts, I don't disagree. Love is crazy! I am not going to live my life in fear of making mistakes or being hurt. No, I will not be reckless with another person's heart; but I also want to seize every beautiful opportunity that life affords me.

Don't worry, I'm in counseling (for the marriage ending) and I have been open with my therapist about my new love interest. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Teddy057]

It sounds like you never really gave yourself time to figure out your own issues. Have you been letting your penis do your thinking? If so, bad idea. At this point, I'm not quite sure you know what "love" is. If you did, you wouldn't have had 2 failed marriages. I think you should stay single for a very long time, and possibly figure out your own issues.

On the other hand, "I also want to seize every beautiful opportunity that life affords me." Is very true. Just be careful, and remember, 3rd times a charm. Haha.

[NewStart]

I answered my own question. The new fling lasted 5 weeks. It's now over. I have no regrets, aside from the fact that she is quite upset by the breakup. In fact, I think this mini-relationship actually helped me gain some distance and perspective from the conclusion of my marriage. My ex (wife) is now seeing someone else, and we've agreed it's best to have no contact. I have not bothered to tell her that my rebound has ended. Really, I suppose it's of no concern to her.

I went and checked out an online dating site (I won't say the name, to avoid moderators getting miffed, but it is named after an abundance of scaled sea creatures). I 'thought' I was ready to jump back in. . . I met someone and we went on two dates. I told her today that I just don't think my head is in the right place to get into anything serious. Although I was a bit annoyed by Teddy's post above (as it implied I'm only after sex), I think I should take some time to regroup, spend time with my son, and get to know myself again. I admit, it is tough to be single when you've spent the better part of your adult life in a series of long term relationships.

[xxazurexx]

People are different. Some can and will jump ship and immediatley, others like me can take months to get involved elsewhere. Depends and for the majority, how deep my feelings had ran for the previous ex and they usually ran deep and because I have never remained in relationships where I've been unhappy, or wanted out and long before I get out. I've always still been in love, up until the point it may have ended, hence why I've rarely been a dumper and why it takes me ages to move on.

I recently thought I may be ready and for something else and 3 months after the last relationship came to an end. This guy came along and he'd sorta peaked an interest, so i thought I'd give him a chance. But of course, it didn't work...I still aint over the ex and I was comparing them, etc, etc. This new guy seemed like he was wanting to rush and I'm not ready for anything heavy, so I had to let him go.

[NewStart]

Hooked up with a friend the other day. We had dated before my marriage, so I guess the chemistry was still there. She said she is not sure what she's looking for, so I guess that makes two of us. I told her that I can promise her I will be honest: I'll tell her if I sleep with anyone else (BEFORE we have sex). Relationships are so confusing at times. I guess if it was all too easy it might get boring. I'm a little confused, but I'm looking forward to counselling today. I tell this guy everything I'm going through, and he helps me make sense of it all. Human beings are very complex creatures!

Note-to-self: Be completely honest with anyone you become intimate with.

[NewStart]

P o' Fish seems to have worked in this case. I met a woman that I feel a real connection with. We've gone on three active dates (outdoors) and I'm feeling optimistic. Perhaps now with a buffer of min-rebound and a friend with benefits between me and the end of my marriage, I'm ready!

[NewStart]

Mini vent! As I look back on these early days of coming out of a marriage, I need to take stock and reflect. I jumped right into another relationship (3 weeks after). That didn't work, so I flirted with this girl at my friend's party. She also felt an attraction, and she started calling me and messaging me on facebook. As that was going on, I slept with my ex (from 4 years back), who I thought was now just a friend. We said, "No strings, no promises, etc." I had two dates with a woman I met online (no chemistry). Meanwhile, my ex-wife is seeing someone new, and we agreed on No Contact. I met someone else (the girl I speak of in the post above), and to make it work (clean the slate) I told each of the other women that I am not available. So . . . I've slept with two people since the marriage ended. I had a crush on one (long-distance). I went on dates with another (no attraction). I pretty much feel like the crazy-rebound-wtf energy is now (mainly) out of my system.

Here's to a fresh start with someone I really click with. We haven't even kissed yet, but this lovely woman makes me laugh, stimulates my mind, and gives me butterflies when I think of her.

Even if nobody replies (I suppose I'm not actually asking any questions), this is a good place to put things on the page and see what I'm going through more objectively.

[kitkitkitty]

you seemed to have clicked with a lot of people as more than a friend. idk if that's a good thing or not tbh. are you scared of being alone? i don't mean it horribly, you just seem to not wana NOT have some form of intimate relationship with a girl. i'd say give yourself some space but i guess that if you feel comfortable with it, carry on. i think i would've made similar choices to you but im only young so god knows whats gona happen. just be careful

[Raze]

You should have combined your multiple posts into one thread, OP.

Also, here is a list of some dating sites that you might be interesting in checking out:
1) plentyoffish
2) match
3) okcupid
4) zoosk
5) singles.net
6) smooch
7) downtoearth
8) eharmony
9) PerfectMatch

I would say that okcupid would be the best because it's free and you can chat online with users for free instead of emailing. Just be careful with online dating because you might run into some psychos but also you might find someone.

The dating sites will help you recover and just tell them that you aren't looking for anything serious right away. They will understand. A lot of people using dating sites after they have experienced a breakup to get over it. You should get back out there ASAP.

[NewStart]

You know, everyone says you need to take the time to be on your own after a breakup. How much time do you need on your own?

Personally, I think, as long as you're honest about where you're coming from, you can start dating as soon as you feel ready. To say that someone NEEDS to be on their own is almost like comparing them to someone with an infectious disease who needs to be in quarantine.

I feel confident in who I am. I am happy with myself, and I think I have a lot to offer the world (friends, and lovers). To suggest that I am afraid to be alone is just not true. I choose to be with people. Yes, I take time for myself each day (meditation, yoga, writing in my journal). I also live alone (my son is here only part-time). I am not going to rush into another long, serious, live-in relationship. I want to take my time, play the field, be with someone who appreciates me for who I am (and accepts my past relationship history).

So far, this has been a pretty smooth ride -- considering my wife moved out 3.5 month ago! I will play devil's advocate here and go against the grain: Why do you need to be alone after a breakup? Get out there and discover that there are other people out there to have fun with!

Last night I kissed my new love interest for the first time. Major BUTTERFLIES! We're going away together today (overnight trip), so I am feeling damn good about how things are going!

Flame me if you like, but what I'm doing is working for me.

[NewStart]

Note to self: Check in now and then to see how you're actually doing with the whole marriage-being-over thing.

The last girl I wrote about and I parted ways (the same day I wrote the last post!). I hooked up with a very sweet woman while I was away on holiday (she's a close friend of one of my oldest pals). We're toying with the long-distance thing (3 hour drive between us!), but I told her she should be with someone local-- as should I. Hung out with the 'rebound' girl for the first time (totally platonic) since we broke up 6 weeks ago. I went on a coffee date with a girl I met on Plenty of Fish last night. Meeting another woman on Monday for coffee.

Busy, busy, between parenting most of the week and doing adult stuff on the weekends. My summer holiday is nearing an end. Perhaps then I'll chill and stop all this frenetic activity.

Lots of women on my mind. It's actually a nice distraction from thinking about my Ex.

[NewStart]

Recovery (from a break-up) is a wild ride!

After my last post I went out for a friend's birthday and got extremely drunk. That would have been fine, had my (friend) ex not shown up at the peak of my intoxication. We ended up back at her place. Thankfully, there were no condoms, so we did NOT sleep together. I told her about the 'long distance' girl. She got jealous. I said that I wanted to move towards a friendship, but she said she still has feelings. . .

I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and said that I can only offer friendship.

Then (later yesterday eve) I called the 'long distance' girl and told her I need to be with someone who lives closer. It was sad, because we really connected. I know it's for the best (in spite of the sadness).

On a brighter note: I went for coffee with an amazing woman yesterday (Monday). We totally clicked! I am glad that the messiness of these other 'random' hook-ups is behind me. I am going to take it slow with this woman, and see where it leads. Even if it sputters out, at least I'm simplifying things by focusing on only one romantic interest.

I suppose these posts are more 'blog' style, but I don't know how to start a blog on here. Comment if you have suggestions (positive or negative feedback is fine-- I can take it!).

[NewStart]

I think there might be such a thing as 'love at first sight'. I have been emailing and text messaging the 'Monday coffee' girl since our 2 hour first date. We are cutting right through the B.S. and getting to what we're both looking for in a partner. She is three years older than me. Our kids are only a year apart (I have a boy, she has a girl). We are both teachers.

I dunno . . .

I think all the shenanigans of the dating flurry might have been just bouncing around, blowing off steam until the right one came along. It has been nearly four months since my wife left, which seems like a decent amount of time. Only time will tell. But I think this is the start of something GOOD!

[IndiReloaded]

Frankly, you sound unstable to me, NS. The post about you seeming to be afraid of being alone seems dead on.

Two divorces under your belt is a huge red flag. Have you done any counselling about your issues? Breakups are almost never one-sided. Even less likely with two.

[VincenzoG91]

A close friend of mine got divorced, and immediately plunged frantically back into the dating scene, even though many people suggested that he take some time to get his head together. He joined some online sites and dated a lot, often seeing two or three different women in the same week. None of it meant much, though he did get laid several times. Now it's nearly two years later, and he isn't seeing anybody right now. He's basically a very nice guy, but it took at least a year for him to get over a lot of the bitterness and cynicism that he was feeling during the divorce proceedings.