Problem with my Girlfriend

[Atokad]

]Hello everyone.

I would like to know what can I do with my girlfriend because I am not sure what to do anymore.

I've been dating a wonderful girl since 8 Months and she is generally a great girl with unique characteristic that make her really special for me and I am really in love with her.
But recently things have begun to change with her, she started asking me not to tell her pretty things and praise her all the time calling her pretty or beautiful, she says she is not such of the things she mentions and that she doesn't likes me calling her like that. She also says that I have to stop telling her I will always be there for her and I will always support her because she thinks I am trying to be "Perfect" or a "Prince Charming" and she doesn't want to feel like a princess because she hates that and feels that will make her a dependant person and she doesn't want that (She has the general opinion that princesses are stupid girls who can't do anything on their own and they always need to be rescued).
I was ok with this at first since we see each other everyday and maybe I was overwhelming her too much and I agreed to stop doing it to prevent conflicts.
But now she is taking it even further and saying she doesn't care about me calling her with pet names anymore and that she doesn't want me to kiss her her cheecks or in other places, she just wants me to kiss her on the mouth and hug her, no caressing her face or her hair and telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me.

This is starting to bug me a lot because I feel she is trying to repress my emotions and expressions for her for some reason I just don't understand. She has a pretty low self steem from years of bullying in School and she just sees herself as a disgusting being and sincerely cannot believe when I tell here these things and often thinks I am lying or something or again trying to be "Perfect" wich is a complete lie.

I love her a lot, she wasn't like this before and she just recently become this way...I don't know what to do anymore...we argue constantly because she makes pretty mean or offensive comments that hurt me but she is not aware of this and when I tell her it offends me she just gets surprised by it and thinks I exagerate.

I've talked this with her a lot of times but she just always comes up saying she doesn't want me to be perfect and special and she just wants me to be "An Average Normal Guy with Nothing Special or Remarkable from Everyone Else"

I love her and I don't want to lose her...I would like to understand why she behaves this way but I just don't know what to do anymore

[tomatoes]

I have, a very low self esteem too thanks to my background.
IMO, she's afraid. She probably thinks that she's not worth it. Sometimes maybe she just need you to convince her that she is worth it, you're not treating her as a princess and you're not trying to be a perfect boyfriend but you are treating her the way you want to because you love her.
She's scared of losing you? If you be mister-perfect and in the same time she thinks she's not THAT good; she's scared that you might realize and you might leave her.

How if you're always there to support her? How if she's afraid that you will leave one day and she's scared that she couldn't support herself on her own anymore?

I don't know. It's how I feel as a girl. I never think I'm good enough for anyone that I just... drive guys away I guess.

[Atokad]

I have, a very low self esteem too thanks to my background.
IMO, she's afraid. She probably thinks that she's not worth it. Sometimes maybe she just need you to convince her that she is worth it, you're not treating her as a princess and you're not trying to be a perfect boyfriend but you are treating her the way you want to because you love her.
She's scared of losing you? If you be mister-perfect and in the same time she thinks she's not THAT good; she's scared that you might realize and you might leave her.

How if you're always there to support her? How if she's afraid that you will leave one day and she's scared that she couldn't support herself on her own anymore?

I don't know. It's how I feel as a girl. I never think I'm good enough for anyone that I just... drive guys away I guess.

Thanks for your reply n_n.

She has a low Self Steem because she has Always been bullied all of her life and called ugly and freak many times, so she develop an agressive personality to fight back that acting back in the same mean manner. The problem is that she acts this way even with people who haven't done anything to her such as myself

It has become my goal to show her she can be a wonderful girl inside, I've concluded many times that she is just afraid of trying something new to what she has experienced ALL of her life, she is heavily marked by her past and it's pretty hard for her to see or like different things. I know her for a logn time, I know on the inside she is a great girl and I am trying to prove that to her.
But her negative attituted toward this is just remarkably Big, she just sees my attemps as a waste of time and that she can't be saved...I brings me down a lot of times but I am not planning on giving up with her because I love her and I care for her...even if she doesn't sees a reason to love herself.

[tomatoes]

Thanks for your reply n_n.

She has a low Self Steem because she has Always been bullied all of her life and called ugly and freak many times, so she develop an agressive personality to fight back that acting back in the same mean manner. The problem is that she acts this way even with people who haven't done anything to her such as myself

It has become my goal to show her she can be a wonderful girl inside, I've concluded many times that she is just afraid of trying something new to what she has experienced ALL of her life, she is heavily marked by her past and it's pretty hard for her to see or like different things. I know her for a logn time, I know on the inside she is a great girl and I am trying to prove that to her.
But her negative attituted toward this is just remarkably Big, she just sees my attemps as a waste of time and that she can't be saved...I brings me down a lot of times but I am not planning on giving up with her because I love her and I care for her...even if she doesn't sees a reason to love herself.

being bullied so much, she probably have problem accepting people in her life. Well, I do have low self esteem but I am not aggressive so I don't know about it. I just usually apologize alot that's all. But if she's aggressive, i think it means that it's really hard to walk into her door you understand? It would probably take a very long time. 8 months, is not enough for someone like her to let you in her door fully. I believe it may take a year or even YEARS for her to open up to someone like you. She probably has been keeping herself to only her all her life. I can't help much but to just tell you this; take things slowly. don't push her so much to accept you fully in such a short time.

[vashti]

]

This is starting to bug me a lot because I feel she is trying to repress my emotions and expressions for her for some reason I just don't understand. (

???

Your right to be emotional does not outweigh her right to refuse kisses she doesn't enjoy.

My guess is that she IS trying to repress your emotions because she finds them unattractive and feminine. She wants YOU to be the boy, so she can be the girl.

[Atokad]

being bullied so much, she probably have problem accepting people in her life. Well, I do have low self esteem but I am not aggressive so I don't know about it. I just usually apologize alot that's all. But if she's aggressive, i think it means that it's really hard to walk into her door you understand? It would probably take a very long time. 8 months, is not enough for someone like her to let you in her door fully. I believe it may take a year or even YEARS for her to open up to someone like you. She probably has been keeping herself to only her all her life. I can't help much but to just tell you this; take things slowly. don't push her so much to accept you fully in such a short time.

I understand...thanks for your advise n_n. I will take it into account

[Atokad]

???

Your right to be emotional does not outweigh her right to refuse kisses she doesn't enjoy.

My guess is that she IS trying to repress your emotions because she finds them unattractive and feminine. She wants YOU to be the boy, so she can be the girl.

Well in that regard she DOES NOT want to be "The Girl" actually she feels a great rejection to her feminine side...she HATES being a woman and wishes she could be a guy. She has told me many times she is "A Man" that the only thing that makes her female are her breast and her vagina but she virtually thinks she is a man in everything else. So I could be the girl or the guy...she doesn't care in that regard as she is Bisexual and so am I.

[vashti]

if she really doesn't care if you have stereotypically female qualities, I don't think she'd be complaining.

In any case, I wouldn't like the "princess" treatment, either, and you have no right to force it on her.

[Atokad]

if she really doesn't care if you have stereotypically female qualities, I don't think she'd be complaining.

In any case, I wouldn't like the "princess" treatment, either, and you have no right to force it on her.

Pardon me I might be mistaken but I think you are a bit "Sexist" with those statement...I don't see anything wrong with me, A Guy being "Emotional" and specially I don't see how that makes me "Femenine" I've seen really manly man cry too, First Blood Maybe? Hotoko no Ken? Forgive me if I am mistaken but it's the impression I have now with those statements...and I know she would disagree with that despite being overloaded with my emotional love, she wouldn't by any circunstance mark that as a "Femenine" trait at all she HATES sexist stereotypes.

But maybe you're right about the second part...though I don't want to make her a "Princess" nor that's my intention.
But maybe that's how she is interpretating everything. Perhaps I should talk to her about it and point out that I don't want to make her feel like a princess....I want to make her feel special and loved.
Thanks for the advice n_n.

[4dvz]

I think I understand your problem maybe even better than you do.. because I`ve had the same problem like ALWAYS. I`m a very romantic guy, and when I`m in a relationship with a girl she is my princess and I want to treat her perfectly and at some point I always have to realize that she just doesn`t appreciate it in a long run. I have questioned whether the girl just doesn`t love me as much I do love her.. I`ve been practically angry for my girlfriends for changing into something else all of the sudden, while I have stayed exactly the same as when we had met.
The problem is, I`m not going to generalize this only concerns women, but still going to use it here because it`s according to my experience.. Women call it the beginning-phase, when you are together for 24/7 and everything is all love and honey and you have sex every day. But for women, the phase of relationship ends or changes into something different that creates conflict with me because I don`t see the beginning as a phase; I would love things to proceed the same way without changing, expect you don`t have to be together 24/7 of course.. but all the other stuff, hearts honey and sex.
Now when the woman does not want things to be the same as they were in the beginning but you do, it`s only natural that you get hurt and she gets frustrated.

I get hurt every time my emotions get rejected, more or less. Everytime the girl is not feeling romantic and I make an "direct attempt", I get rejected, hurt, and occasionally my frustration makes her frustrated and it creates a growing circle. The more she rejects me or acts cold towards me, the more desperate I get in her eyes and the more I get frustrated and concerned about the state of the relationship which I express to her, again making things even worse. And also if this circle keeps repeating itself, it becomes very rare for her to feel romantic with me or want me at all. It sounds like a game but it`s only psychology which I believe to be true.. Women need to see you as a challenge instead of desperate.
I know that is like the hardest thing ever to achieve in a relationship where the other person clearly wants less love than you do, because it would need so many acts of coldness from your side that you would feel like an ass doing it. You would practically need to be someone else than your true self, control your feelings to achieve a goal. It sucks but good luck finding a woman who doesn`t get colder after the "beginning phase", you just need to adjust if you want to keep the relationship emotionally alive.

My advice for you would be:
*For a time being, only say nice things to her when she is already happy. Don`t try to make her happy by saying something nice. By nice things I mean everything romantic. I thing in your situation everytime you try to say nice things to her when she`s not feeling happy about you or the relationship, it only powers up the feeling she`s having. You need to turn that feeling around.
*Especially don`t express your concern over your relationship to her, because you need to appear not-concerned and relaxed.
*Try giving her a bit more space, aswell as taking it yourself. Do stuff with your mates etc.

Good luck and remember that these were only my opinions that come from my experience with women.

[4dvz]

Just to add, her behaviour can be caused from many different things and the fact that she doesn`t want you to do romantic stuff can be caused from something else than you overwhelming her altough it`s likely.. but the fact is that she`s not happy the way things are whether it`s only a phase or not, and best thing you can really do is to listen to her and try to adjust to it.

[Atokad]

That was incredibly informative

Now I understand her possition better and I will try to control my emotions from now on because I really love her, this is my first serious relationship (Most of my other relationships only lasted for 2 months at much) and I really want to take things far with her and she wishes the same thing

Again Thanks for your advises n_n.

[happyrun]

if shes been bullied a lot and treated like an outsider i can understand why she has a big wall up around people. i think if your consistently trustworthy and nice to her all the time then she may eventually open up to you. sounds like she just needs someone to prove they are supportive and a real friend to her. most of us know what thats like to be leary and skeptical of people. i think it will just take time. it may take A LONG TIME for her, so be patient. another scenerio could be that she's not as into you as you are to her and thats why she gets annoyed with you. you should be able to figure that one out for yourself.

[4dvz]

mmmm I don`t think this has much to do with she being bullied in past, atleast in my opinion judging from the case, because if that would be true then she would had been a bit distant in emotions to begin with.. As Atokad said she is getting more and more distant in emotions, so you can safely assume she was not like that in the beginning and is developing into being cold towards him.

Your first serious relationship? Ok cool, I hope you manage to turn things around. It`s good to ask people about these kinds of things because I believe every type of personality makes the same mistakes in the beginning and repeats them more or less. But to drastically change your own habits is hard and uncomfortable and requires lots of long-term effort, but if you love her you are willing to do it.