First time post. Jealousy? help!

[GP76]

its my first time posting on this site, i thought this seemed the fitting sub forum to seek help, as i have a ton of trouble relating to other guys. Sorry if my msg jumps around alot or is hard to read/follow. (Tess is my current GF).
this wasn't meant to be too long... but it has grown into something huge... please be patient, read and help me!

I'm 23 male and from canada. all my life i have dreamed of finding the perfect girl for me. I would consistently watch girly movies, or other romantic type shows. I think there is nothing better then the idea of love. Throughout school i only liked 2 different girls. In fact i didnt even have eyes for any other girl. during this time i was always thought to be gay because my crushes were not that popular amongst the other guys. After school ended and i knew nothing could ever happen between me and the later of the 2 girls; I began to start dating. Despite having numerous dates with many wonderful girls, I never felt like i found the right one. I would give 2 or 3 or 4 dates with the same girl... but it never felt right. Even sexual propositions from these girls did not seem appealing. Thus i remained a virgin. To be perfectly honest i had never even kissed one of these girls.

its not that i thought sex or kissing was gross. It just never seemed right with the girl. This may actually be ironic because compared to my friends i am probbably the horniest person i know. Alas a year ago when i was 22 i met a girl. From the first instant i knew she was different. Her face was stunning and i thought her personality/character was amazing. Meeting at a mutual friends dinner function, she came alone; and we really hit it off. at the end of the night i asked her if she would consider going out with me sometime but unfortunately she said she was currently involved and wanted to see where her current relationship was going. Little did she know i snuck my phone number into her phone under "captain awesome" while she wasnt looking.

About a week later i recieved a call and we ended up talking for about 30 minutes to an hour. More phone calls followed... and then facebook, and facebook messages. It was amazing. for the first time i had a girl i wanted to talk with for more then 15 minutes. I immeadiately was beginning to fall for her. Finding out that her current boyfriend was a paramedic, i lost some hope, however the sheer enjoyment from talking with this girl forced me to stay in touch.
about 2 months after our first phone call, i recieved a another call while i was driving home from my first date with a different girl (Liz). She was sad and upset; she had just broken up with boyfriend of about 3 or 4 months. we talked more, I stayed on the phone trying to cheer her up for roughly an hour or two until she felt better.

I was on the fourth date with Liz when i recieved a call from Tess. basically she asked if i wanted to go out with her sometime for coffee. Thats it just coffee... It wasn't meant to be a date, just a drink. I said yes and that we could make plans later. I hung up on Tess and went back to Liz. I had a huge smile from ear to ear. I didnt tell Liz about my feelings for this girl or anything. I finished my date with Liz , trying to be as polite and funny as possible. I must have done a good job because for some reason Liz thought she would like to give her virginity away to me. I can't imagine what she was thinking when i declined.
Despite how much my body wanted it, My heart wouldn't allow it.

The next week i was more distant from Liz, and told her i needed to work things out. She said she wanted me to talk to her and help me figure it out. Realizing that Liz cared for me I told her couldn't date her because i was unsure of my feelings. I told her that i thought she was really fun cool and pretty (which she was) and she believed me. (i'm a very genuine person) I gave up on lying when i was a kid... i was terrible at it!.
Anyways, the following weekend me and Tess went out for the first time. we met after her soccer game and ended up going for dinner after. We racked up a bit of a bill, and she told me she didnt have any cash on her, only plastic. I told her i was more then happy to cover it so long as she would go out with me another time. at the end of the what was now a date... she was looking at me like she wanted a kiss. For the first time in my life i wanted to kiss someone. she would move in, and i would retract, she would move in more, i would retract further.
I was so nervous so shy, I didnt know what to do. the evening ended when she kissed me on the cheek and said good night.

I Kicked myself all week!. i was so mad at myself for not kissing her! I made the plan that i would most definately kiss her on the next date NO MATTER WHAT! The next date we made plans to see a comedy show, but thanks to traffic and work we were running late, so we decided on some fast food quickly before the show started. After in the parking lot i opened the passenger door for her and leaned in to give a super quick peck on the lips... (My first kiss) I quickly retracted and said "how was that? was it awful?" She began to laugh at me. we got in the car and she began to explain how to kiss. We went to the comedy show, and then kissed more in the parking lot after. She kept telling me i was doing it wrong and evenutally the night ended. I was so excited, i guesss maybe i was a little too intense trying to kiss like they do in all the movies i watch .

The third date she told me i was much better at kissing and thought i must have practiced with someone. but i think its just more that i thought about it all week, and slowed it down in my mind to be more sensual.

It might be strange, but right from day one i knew that this girl was something special. I cannot even look at another girl, I have not even masturbated to thought of a different girl in the past 14 months.(this number can be anywhere between 2 and 6 times a day) She is the only girl on my mind and she is always on my mind.

Anyways that is a long story but i dont know how to explain my situation or how to attempt to demonstrate the type of person i am. I am completely unlike other guys. I consistently think of surprises for my girlfriend, I go to night dreaming of her, dreaming of a future, dreaming of love. I dont objectify women sexually. Heck i dont even look at women sexually except for her.
After being with her intimately for the first time and losing my V card, it only strengthened my convictions, that i made the right chocie. Instead of sleeping around with as many girls as possible like most other guys. I absolutely needed that emotional attatchment, Furthermore i dont think i could be intimate without it.

I know that the only way i will end up breaking up with her will be if she decides i'm not good enough for her. I can't imagine her doing this because i am an absolutely great guy. But being with her i finally figured out the idea behind "your better half"
Quoting Valentines Day "if you ever find a girl you feel is too good for you, marry her" that sentiment feels so true. even if the movie was a super poor attempt at Love Actually.

Anyways finally on to my problem. She is the one and only girl i've ever been with. I'm the 5th or 6th guy she has been physically involved with. and the 4th relationship of hers over a year.
My dream ever since i was a kid has always been "find a girl you you love. she will be your first... i will be hers, we live happily ever after"
Living in this day and age i knew that would NEVER happen so i gave up on it.but at times it is still hard.
it didnt bother me so much at the start but the more and more time goes on the more some of her previous sexual encounters bug me. I know that 5 partners is not a large number. but a couple things bug me.

I always knew that when i found the right one... i would know. i guess she felt like that with her first encounter so i cannot fault her too much ... even though she says she should have known.
In fact it does not bother me that she was intimate with any of the 3 guys she was in long term relationships... because she was in love with them.... but its the other 2 that kind of bother me.
One was the guy she dated for 3 or 4 months before me which isnt bad compared to other people. but one of the other guys was a friend from high school.

This other friend from high school... She says that they had alot of sexual tension and it ended up in bed one night.

How does this happen? I questioned her about it and said "one night doesn't seem too likely. are you sure it wasn't more then one night" eventually i got her to admit that it was 2 consecutive nights...

Tess constantly talks to me and other people about her past like ... "one time i went to this show... or one time me and my friends did ...." but the fact is ... each little story and memory she has... is with another guy... and these stories lead me into wondering who she was with and what they did for those nights and how they ended up. When my mind gets a thought like that in its head... it cannot get it out. I will ask her until i find the answer.
Everytime i get an answer my heart breaks a little. it is so unbelievably hard to hear.
How do i stop my mind from thinking those things? How do i stop the pain when i find out the answers?

ANyways like i said the long term relationships dont bother me because she was in love... even the 3 month relationship i feel like i can deal with ... because they had grown close.
But a one night thing with a friend... how does this happen?
This friend is maybe coming to a party on the weekend... and i've told her i'm uncomfortable about. she says "don't worry i'm with you" but that doesn't ease my mind.
Tonight after a quick argument where she said she is "sick of talking about this stuff" i asked if he used a condom when they had sex. Amazingly enough she said no.... and she said she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and taht she is going to bed.

She left me there... laying alone on my bed where i began to cry.
These one night stand things... isn't that the type of thing that sluts do?
not that i think she is a slut... I love her so much... that will never change... even when i get these thoughts in my head i will always say and feel that i love her... But how can she be so careless? It pains me!

these discussions have come up before. But she gets mad or sometimes a little depressed... I tell her it doesn't matter and that i will always love her regardless... but I dont feel like she is ever taking the time to help me through it. It may not be a big deal to her... but Love and physicality are very important to me.

She is very wonderful and her actions always say that she loves me. Unfortunately her words dont always agree... Sometimes she lets things slip out that leave me feeling TERRIBLE. One time she told me she thought she put more importance in sex and emotions then me.... I was so unbelievably offened... she told this to the guy who waited 23 years to find the right girl... meanwhile shes been with 5 partners and 1 guy with only oral...

Another time she even told that she would have been just as happy if i lost my virginity to someone else. A while after talking about this she told me that she meant it in context that... she meant "she would have been just as happy if i lost it to someone else who i cared about"

I don't care about that she might not realize but... It's only her... It's only ever been her. she is the one and only girl i've ever thought of like that... I feel like she puts ZERO importance on it. I even tell her it would be nice if she showed appreciation for that... make me feel like.... she is glad that she is the only girl i've ever wanted... but she doesn't give me that.

She is getting tired about talking about ex's, i'm getting tired and depressed that she makes me question my choices.
I've been trying to tell her for the past 2 months to make me feel more appreciated... but she hasn't made much of an attempt at telling me these things... Her actions say she loves me but her words don't. She says "I love you" but i can't get her to ellaborate on why. I want to feel like she loves me as much as I love her. I can't imagine that to be possible. But if she made it a little more obvious ... that would be great.

I constantly do nice things for her... and tell her i would like things to be reciprocated... and that i treat her the way i in turn would like to be treated back... yet still i feel like i get nothing.

I know this is a long post... but its my first... i felt it was important for people to get to know me a bit and understand my situation. i would love help. I posted it here because i think some women would be more likely able to relate. thanks for your patience, and help... and i hope my post is entertaining to read.. as unorganized and jumbled as it is.

[Alvy]

Me thinks you're thinking a wee bit too much on all of this. Thinking is good, thinking is great in a relationship, but things like getting her to explain why she loves you is a bit over the top...and very annoying actually. As for her having a couple of partners before you, that was in her past. Would you rather she keep it a secret until a mutual friends 'accidentally' reveals it?

Hypothetically, if this Tess was a single parent who gave birth to a kid through natural means, would you still want to be involved with her knowing she didn't use a condom and popped out a baby? Or would that disgust you knowing what she got up to with another guy?

And no offense, but having a guy constantly asking for praise and affection would be a massive turn off. You said her actions say 'i love you', but then you want her to make it a little more obvious. How obvious does she need to make it? If you can recognize what her actions are saying, that's obvious enough. Unless you want her to walk around with a sign and arrow pointing towards you that says 'My L<3VE'

Give her some room too, because it sounds like you're smothering her with questions and neediness. She's with you. If you want her to stay, start taking her out to some fun, exciting places. Otherwise, don't be surprised if she breaks it off in a few months.

[GP76]

I understand that sex and physicality are the norm into today's society, but sometimes i have a real hard time accepting that.
i'm not worried about her leaving me. I don't think she ever will. I treat her better then gold and try to make her feel like she is the most important thing alive.
It is just at times i question how the girl i feel destined to be with could make some choices like that.
I understand that most of the population cannot put themselves as deep into my shoes. I think other peoples experiences with sex and relationships would most
definately trivialize this, However to me it is a big deal.

I do not want to feel the jealousy or the pain that comes with thoughts of ex's. It seemingly cannot be helped.
I feel like maybe if she showed more appreciation, then i might feel that intimacy is more important.

Another thing.... I give her a ton of room... She is very motivated and works very often. She never answers my calls, or chats very long.
instead she waits till she is driving to a client appointment to call. Theres not a chance she'll talk when shes at home because she is to busy hanging out with her mom.
The only time i know I get to talk to her, is at bedtime... but she unfortunately falls asleep withing 5 minutes ussually.

I'm extremely lucky if i see her more then once a week... and sex once every two weeks.
So actually alot of the actions she displays... does not make me feel loved.

When we are together in person, that is a different story. during those times we're very friendly and never argue about anything.
anyways any input back again would be much appreciated.
How do i avoid this jealousy? and maybe how do i encourage her to share her feelings more or appreciation?

[Gigabitch]

I feel worn out just from reading your posts. I can only imagine how Tess must feel. It's no wonder you don't see her very often; she needs time to recuperate.

You're an unreasonable, overly emotional young man holding onto a romantic fantasy that is clearly more important to you than your girlfriend is. You have a choice: you can keep living in your own little world where everything is rosy or you can join the rest of us (including Tess) in the real world, where people sometimes have flings with other people and don't use condoms.

Make a choice and commit to it. You can't have it both ways.

You think you're this awesome guy, and maybe in some ways you are, but you're also a really needy person who is holding his girlfriend to a ridiculous standard. You're going to blow it and lose her.

How do you stop yourself? Think of your jealousy as an indulgence and stop indulging yourself. Tell yourself to pull it together and act like a man.

[lahnnabell]

I agree with Giga very much.

My boyfriend and I are both offenders of what she's talking about. I really enjoy the lovey-dovey, committed cuddle time. I love hearing how beautiful he thinks I am. BUT I need to remember that it's not necessary for me to hear it constantly. His actions speak much louder and I sometimes have to reset my brain to remember that. Sometimes I'll even go so far as to try and start interpreting the tone in his texts! I mean, that's some serious borderline psycho stuff right there. Not good for me or him.

He, on the other hand, tends to be overly apologetic at times and worries about whether or not I'm happy with him. This gets tiresome to deal with. I feel like I have to extend massive amounts of forgiveness when in he really had nothing to be sorry for in the first place. I don't want to constantly remind him of how genuinely happy I am with him. It means much more to me if I can just relax and enjoy my time with him.

Why does she need to help you through this? It's in her past, and I'm sure she understands that the information she gave you (having sex without a condom) bothers you. The fact that you're hanging onto this past transgression of hers is preventing your relationship from moving forward. You say that sometimes her words offend you. Did you tell her this? Does she know how some of her comments make you feel? If not, then how can she be expected to help you out? It's not her job to pry at you for information. Communication lines need to be open and functional if a relationship is to work.

What kinds of nice things are you expecting from her? Perhaps it's this expectations of yours that are letting you down. You have incredibly high standards for the women you date, so you shouldn't be surprised that even this girl can't measure up ALL the time. You're not the only facet of her life that needs her attention. If you don't give her some breathing room, you WILL lose her down the line.

[GP76]

I'm quite aware that the things i've hoped and wanted are unrealistic.
Surely if i've had more relationships, my scenerio and problem would be different.
I know she is great, and is not guilty of anything... especially with a mere 5 partners (in comparison to others)

The problem though, is that these things do bother me. and it is exactly as you say... i want to get past this,
so we can move further in our relationship.
If there was a pill that removed my jealousy i would take it in a heart beat. Alas there isn't so I need to find productive ways
to help me over come this.

getting her to express appreciation is one of the only ways my narrow mind can forsee helping.
I ask her to help me because she cares for me, and i really do want help moving past it.
i become more distant when these thoughts arise. but never stop loving her.
I need acceptance and productive ways to help me obtain it.

[GP76]

and yes i forgot to mention on a different note:
those somewhat hurtful things she says... i do let her know that they bug me. However she does very little the opposite way.
Short of I love you... she doesn't say any nice little things... unless i ask what shes thinking or feeling.
From my point of view; it is tiring at times, that she doesn't say nice things.

[Gigabitch]

You need discipline, not compliments. These are separate complaints.

[lahnnabell]

Perhaps she's not used to hearing such things herself. We tend to model our behavior after observing others. Despite the fact that she's been with 5 guys, it may be that those guys never really complimented her, or treated her respectfully. This could also be the case with her parents. I've dated several guys that grew up in households where physical closeness was minimal to non-existent. This left them very unfamiliar with how to initiate non-sexual touching, something I need in a relationship. Most of my exes would only get physical when they wanted to have sex. Some refused to acknowledge that there could be a difference between initiating sex, and just wanting sensual quality time with someone.

This isn't an example that precisely pertains to your case, but it does show some of the extreme differences that come up when you're trying to find common ground with an entirely separate person. If you are really that unsatisfied with this, then perhaps you need to find a girl that will lavish attention on you. You are clearly the type of person that enjoys it.

Did you ever think that maybe she is content enough that you don't have to smother her with compliments and attention all the time? Has she ever shown you that she's unhappy unless you're lavishing attention on her? Maybe you should tone it down a little, and give her some breathing room.

And on another note, don't EVER say or think that she will never leave you. This type of thinking gets you into trouble. It signals that you've taken what you have for granted. You could very well be accidentally ignoring warning signs in light of that fact that your own personal problems look greater than the issues surrounding you two as a couple. I see too many people (men more than women) come on her complaining that their partner arbitrarily broke up with them, and they have no idea why. There are warning signs. Don't delude yourself into thinking that because you're so attentive, and so sensitive that it would give her reason to stay with you. If someone isn't happy in a relationship, they generally go through a period of emotional detachment, and then they leave.