My ex contacted me...what now?

[skalman]

First of all hello to everyone and thank you in advance for the help i hope to get after posting this question. Now lets get down to the meat of the matter.

So me and my ex have been together for about 4 years now. I would lie if i said that everything has gone according to plan,but i would like to think that we have pulled trough together and managed the trials life has been so gracious to trow at us.

Well as you might guess she left me about 3 weeks ago......

This was mostly due to me not shoving her enough emotions and not being the great guy i once was,when we met. Now i know i should not blame myself for what happened,but one can hardly think otherwise in this situation....hope you know what i mean.

So days went and i decided after reading so much about brake ups that i would not bend into contacting her. It all went really good if you believe in fairytales,meaning that i had the occasional meltdowns and would send her a text ore 2,and you can shoot me for this but i even called her on more than one occasion. Now deep down i know that it would do me little good,but insanity comes in many forms i guess.....

So lets fast forward to present day and really get into the problem i am facing.
Today at work she called me and totally caught me off guard. I felt calm and took up the phone. Now hearing her voice was like winning the lottery on the same day you fell in love to begin with but enough of that.

She opened the call by asking me if she could still come as my date on my friends wedding this summer. My friend is getting married in a couple of months and we had plans on going there together....as a couple. I played it cool and said that it was ok for her to come with me,one hell-ova state of mind i was in.

Now it really boils down to this,should i feel ok with this ore is this some kind of hidden trap,that will be relieved once im too deep to find my way back home? Don't get me wrong i really love this girl and one day in the future i would like to ask for her hand i marriage,hell i was already planning on doing this before this all happened.

I would really like your insight on the matter in hand,and how i should proceed with the situation? A part of me feels like she just wants to be friends and nothing more. Please help me........

[xxazurexx]

If I wanted to be just friends with an ex, the last thing I'd do is call him and ask him if I can still go along as his date to a wedding. I'd be unlikely to do this and because I wouldn't want to give him false hope, that I wanted him back.

I reckon she is regretting breaking up with you and she's working her way back in.

Unless she's one of these females who likes to keep men guessing and likes to lead them on.

[skalman]

Thanks for the quick reply.

I think the best move for me is just to take one day at a time,and se where the river takes me. I mean if she continues to contact me,be it mindless chit-chat ore somewhat more serious discussions that has to be a sign that all hope is not lost.
Im just so worried that my actions/inactions will have the affect that she starts thinking that im fine with the brake up and just want to remain friends. Noting could be more far away from the truth.
On the other hand,i cant deny that the question of buying her a ring and asking her to marry me hasn't crossed my mind. Am i just talking crazy and should i just take some chill out pills before asking the most important question?

[VincenzoG91]

Don't propose unless and until your relationship with her stabilizes again. Otherwise, you are putting extra pressure on both of you at a time when you should both be taking things a bit slowly. And the two of you should resume normal dating long before your friend's wedding two months from now. I'm sure your friend would prefer that you not cause a scene at his wedding, so try to figure out where you two stand before then.

[Gigabitch]

I think leaving it all up to her sends a message that you don't care about getting back together and that's not true. I think you should call her up and talk it out with her.

[xxazurexx]

I honestly don't know if asking her to marry you would be a good idea and at this moment in time. I'd just await and see if you contacts you again and you get some further clue as to where she is at and before you start popping the question, lol.

It has to be said that sometimes exes will contact, but it isn't because of a desire to want to come back to the relationship. So if she is calling and isn't giving any indicator that she wants back in and she is just chatting away about stuff other than reconcilling, then chances are she is looking to 'friendzone' you or you will end up falling into the 'friendzone'. So I wouldn't be so available to her and if she rambles on about work, what's on tv, what her sister is up too, or the weather. I mean, fair enough if you can deal with being banged into the 'friendzone', but if you have feelings as I suspect you do...the 'friendzone' aint a place you want to be going and you won't like just 'friends'. You will always want more and you will start to get pretty pissed off, when you don't get more.

But you gotta pick up a few times like I said and to see where she is at.

[xxazurexx]

Yeah I agree with Giga also. She may possibly want back in, but could be scared to say she does and for fear you may reject her. So she may also be also looking for some clue from you, that you'd want back in.

I've been in her situation and I'd ended it. I wanted back in, but I didn't dare tell him and because I was thinking he may reject me, or he may be with someone else, etc. All that stuff could be going through her mind. The guy in my situation made it easy for me to go back though and because he told me how he was feeling and we got back together. So yes, if I was you I would tell her how you are feeling, because she could possibly be waiting to hear it...like I was.

At least you will know where you stand also.

[skalman]

"At least you will know where you stand also".

That sentence really made me think about it. I mean i dont want to play games where i have to guess/calculate if you will, my every move i make,so she might eventually warm up and along the way wanting to start a new relationship with me. Dont get me wrong, if i had the future written on a piece of paper concealing the status if there was still hope for us,i would not mind waiting for the day to come.
But this mind game is in some way tearing me apart,and the last i want is to have second guessed some move i made along the way. Maybe a proposal is a bit premature at the moment,i wont argue with that one. But if i feel even slightly that she might feel the same way,i don't se the problem in telling the truth and accepting every outcome that may follow.
If she tells me that she wants to go on a different path,the only thing i can do is accept it and truly move on. You might say that i lay all my cards on the table and wait for the dealer to show me the final card. At least then i have been true to myself and my partner,and can look back knowing i did everything i could.

[boosh87]

My advice is just to be very careful, and don't get too carried away just yet. Sounds like she could just be trying to keep doors open for herself if that makes sense. Good luck.

[xxazurexx]

You might say that i lay all my cards on the table and wait for the dealer to show me the final card. At least then i have been true to myself and my partner,and can look back knowing i did everything i could.

I think that is your best bet and it's a win win situation for you.

Either you are going to get her back, or if you don't, then you can save wasting further time on her and you can move on knowing you said what you had to say....no regrets.

To be in a situation that lingers on and on with an ex, where you still have feelings and you second guess every little thing they say, every little thing they do, is to no more than to torture yourself. You might as well come clean and it cuts out the months of torture that would follow, had you chosen not to come clean, but hang on intead and hoping she's gonna have a change of heart. Because they rarely do have a change of heart and once they have decided it's over....a rare few are lucky enough to get the second chance.

But good luck anyhow and keep us informed.