feeling lost...ex has new gf

[pinkinterlude]

I littered these boards at the start of the year with my relationship problem and greatly appreciate the advie everyone gave me - my bf of 11 months wasn't over his ex. I ended things with him in january but was all rather complicated - we still saw each other after the break up because he 'was confused over his feelings for me and his feelings for her'. She randomly contacted him for the first time after she broke it off with him a year and a half earlier. We eventually stopped talking as we both agreed he should maybe be on his own for a while to figure out what he wants. I was heartbroken. After 6 weeks NC, he contacted me to tell me he didnt want his ex and wanted to meet up with me again. I fell for it, and he then told me he thought it might be a bad idea because he didnt want to hurt me and I deserve better (cop out or what!) that he has never been this disappointed in himself and he is a horrible person, but he still continued the whole I miss you thing. I told him I understand and have not spoken to him since (2 months ago)

Now he has a new gf. Surprisingly it's not that, that hurts me the most, its the fact he seems to have taken the easy way out again, not even thinking about how much he hurt me and how much he could hurt this new girl. I know he just doesn't like to be alone though I know none of that is my business anymore, and that they could be genuine. I never made much of an issue about how we ended to him because I figured that he had enough to deal with, without me offloading my feelings on him too. I kind of wish I did now. He said I was 'the nicest person and I've nothing to be sorry about', probably because he knew he had hurt me but doesn't realise how much.

I know that we could never work because of all this, I don't trust him, and to think that he could be with someone possibly because he just doesnt want to be alone. I feel like I've wasted a year plus all this time now on him.

Im a bit lost at the minute because I don't want him (even though I still think about him every day) I want to be over him, I don't want to care but I do and I'm so annoyed at myself. I don't want anyone else, there have been 3 guys I've met who have approached me this year but I realised that it's not because I genuinely like them, but because I want to feel wanted and because my ex seems to have moved on and I feel like I should. I know what it feels like to feel used and wouldn't want to do that to anyone else. But I'm sick of being on my own because my thoughts always seem to turn to my ex. I've spent more time with friends, picked up new hobbies, tried to focus more on uni work etc. I thought I'd be fine by now but I'm really not.

I know I'm probably not the only one going through all of this so has anyone got any ideas on what to do/go about things?
thank you

[sookie6]

I 'm thinking maybe this is your first major break-up so yes, you are overwhelmed with all these new feelings + the fact he has a new gfriend.

As someone who has crossed over the desertic path toward break-up recovery I can tell you a few things:

- men are quicker to go out with someone new. Some people will argue with this and say it depends on the person rather than their gender, I will maintain my opinion. I think it's because they are basically pulled ahead by their dick. So even if he cared about you and still hurts over the break-up his penis is telling him to find a new partner...

- after a break-up and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before in a post, I don't why but we tend to remember mostly the good times and the reasons for the break-up fade in the background...I don't why it is but all people I've talked to about this agree...it might be the way our brains protect us..;erasing painful memories and keeping the good ones...
So don' be fooled by what you think you remember about the two of you: your ex and you broke up for a few good reasons and leave it at that.

- YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE NEW. It's a fact, life will naturally bring opportunities to you the same way life is shit sometimes it's also full of potential and although it might take longer for you than your ex your turn will come so do not dwell on the past.

[pinkinterlude]

Yeah, my ex was my 2nd bf though I do consider this to be my first major break up. I was never this bad over my first bf, I found moving on easier, didnt really dwell on it, cos I think I knew he was bad for me. My first bf and I had a pretty bad split whereas me and my ex ended on as nicer note as possible, which is why I think maybe I'm finding it harder. I think my ex was my first love in that sense, the person I've had the most feelings for.

yeah I agree with you, men and women are definately wired differently. My first bf got someone else before me too. It's weird what you find yourself thinking about, how you can subconsciously choose to block out certain things and not the whole thing altogether - (I wish we could do that)

I hope so, think I'm just going through the shit part at the minute, it's just frustrating because it's lasted since the start of the year.. It's nice to hear that you can survive though and there is an ending point out there somewhere. I'm glad things have worked out for you, it seems that way anyway. You seem to have definately taken things away with you and learnt important lessons, thanks so much for your reply. It's helped a lot.

[cmacattack1]

It kind of feels like a race eh? Who can get a new person first and prove to the other that they are fine (even though they aren't)? It's proof in the pudding that he is very confused and unfortunately for the new girl, he is going to put her through the grinder that you went through. I'm curious to ask how you know this information? I hope you aren't keeping tabs on him through facebook or whatever. Bad move and not helping you move forward. If you are, stop. If you hear information from other people, tell them to stop giving it to you. You don't, or you shouldn't, want to know.

His belief is that he is going to meet somebody and everything is magically going to work out. I mean, if they were the right person, things would work themselves out right? Because that's what love is, this magical power that transforms you into the perfect boyfriend and makes you the happiest person ever? Boy, he has his head in the clouds. My gut feeling is that he is going to screw this up to and he will continue to screw up each and every relationship hereon out unless he stops himself, looks in the mirror, takes responsibility for his actions and realizes the change is going to come from within. This was what I had to go through and I lost somebody really special that I continue to kick myself for every single day. This shouldn't be your concern though, this is his own path of self destruction. You should be focused on you, but if that mentality helps you move forward, use it.

It feels like a waste but it really wasn't. Haven't you learned so much about yourself, about relationships, and about what kind of behavior to tolerate/not tolerate? Take the good from this, I think you are a more centered, intelligent and mature person for this experience and I think you are ready for a more mature relationship in the future. I think your ability TO love has also increased and you will be able to give the next person that comes along more than you were able to before. I can't think of anything better than to have this ability.

[pinkinterlude]

Thanks for your reply, cmacattack1, I think you gave me advice before too, so thank you.

It kinda is, as silly as it sounds. Though I know I couldn't date anyone yet cos I know I'm not ready. It was only two months ago that he was telling me he wanted me back blah blah blah, now he's with someone else already. He got with me 6 months after his ex of 3 years finished with him, and even that obviously wasn't enough time for him to grieve. His ex must have since told him she doesn't want him back so it's like he's gone through all that again, plus all this drama with me too (if he actually cares), I just can't believe he has decided to take the easy route again, knowing how bad it can end. This is what made me think why did I actually want him.

I'll admit it took me a while to actually stop, but I have now. I haven't looked on his facebook for a few weeks now, mainly cos it hurts too much to see him with another girl. I have yet to see him out and about, I know we will eventually though cos we do go to the same kinds of places so it'll happen sooner or later. I've tried to avoid the ones where he goes the most, but I can't do that forever. I think my friends are getting sick of me saying we can't go there yet because of him. it scares me about when
I'll see him because I know it will. I don't really know how I should act. We didn't end badly so I always thought I'd just say hi and then get on with my night, but that was before all this and when I thought I'd be alright by now. I suppose I'll do whatever I do at the time. I really need to stop worrying about such things.

I think you're right about things working out magically. I think that's what I was thinking when I found out about his ex contacting him. I agree, it just hurts because I said this to him, that he should probably be on his own so he, himself can decide what he wants, without any outside influence, because I'd rather want someone to be with me because they want to be with me, not because they feel bad about hurting me. he agreed and I thought he was being genuine. For the time we've been broken up, he has either contacted me about getting back together, talked to his ex, or got with someone else, rather than spend time alone like he said he thought he should. I know it's nothing to do with me anymore but it's hard to stop caring about the welfare of someone you were with for that long. I wish I could just switch off. I suppose I will in time, it's not my role to care anymore, he's found someone else to do that now.

thanks for your input, it's nice to hear a different perspective from someone who's been in that situation. I'm glad you've got through it, you seem more aware about situations and emotions and seem like you're a stronger, mature person for it. You're right, I haven;t ever regretted it and it's nice to know that we can all fall in love and that we can all cope in situations that aren't particularly pleasant.

[cmacattack1]

It's amazing how oblivious us guys can be when it comes to seeing what's important. I don't know how many times I was TOLD what things I could do to make my relationship better from her and still let it go wooosh, right over my head. It's not like you kept yourself quiet and hoped he would change, you actually told him how you felt and what he could do. Not much more you can really do short of putting his feet in front of each other for them. Maybe he found too much comfort in your relationship (like you weren't going to go anywhere no matter what he did), was too spoiled and unconcerned with anything else but himself, etc. etc. Those are the few problems I had coming off the top of my head. Might I take a stab at him being a bit insecure as well? Needs somebody to be there for him, enjoys the attention he gets from exes or others pursuing him? I guess the reasons don't matter anymore and it's none of your concern but the bottom line is he wasn't mature enough for the relationship that you want. Settling for anything less would just be giving away what you have to offer to somebody that isn't or can't reciprocate it.

I can certainly relate being somebody that wasn't on my own for more then 4 months before needing to have a girlfriend from the time I was 15 on, until me and my last ex split up. I've been on my own since, I've been searching for answers, and it's really helped even if it seems pretty depressing and dismal at times. Just like me, he'll keep losing his relationships until he finally decides to ask why. It might frustrate you to know what he is doing, but this is the only way he will learn. And I think too much damage has been done for you to want to be with him again, even if you miss him badly. All you can do is take the good from this. It's growing pains. Too bad it can't all be fun and easy.

As for running into him in public, your actions should not be dictated by what he will think of them. If you run into him, and you aren't ready to talk to him, you aren't ready and you don't talk to him. Maybe he'll take it one way or another, but his interpretation of the matter is completely irrelevant. You have your reason for doing so and certainly don't need to explain yourself. I'm not saying purposely hang around places he usually is, but don't be afraid to live your life and be at a place where he MIGHT be. You cross that bridge when you come to it and you don't know how you will feel until you see him. Then you'll know what to do.

If you aren't ready to start dating again, you aren't ready. Don't force yourself into those situations if you can help it. As long as you are doing your best to find your happiness on your own, you'll eventually be back to the happy go lucky you that you have always been and the person that he fell in love with before. It takes alot of work and damn it if there aren't those ups and downs. But you'll be happy, you'll be confident, and before you know it, you'll find somebody else. Or they will find you.

[pinkinterlude]

Yeh it's not just guys though, I was silly when I was in the middle of it all. I had no idea what to do or think about anything, the only thing I did know was that I didn't want to lose him. Even now, I still don't know whether I really ever had him to lose?! I think he was comfortable, mainly because after we split, he told me he is no good on his own, which makes me think that I was just someone to stop him from feeling lonely, and possibly this new girl is too, who knws?! To be honest, I probably would have done anything for him back then and he probably knew that. I was letting him take advantage of me but in my head I was thinking I should be open and honest because I thought at least he wouldn't be all confused about what I was thinking, which probably put me in a vulnerable position. Still, like you said, I did all I could, I could have kept seeing him but I wasn't happy because things had changed so much. I think that's what helped him decide that we shouldnt be together (after all his emails/texts etc during NC) because I dont think he expected me to say we shouldn't speak for a while. I didn't really, it was a spur of a moment thing really. But I am glad I did it. From what I've seen of him after we split, I would say he is insecure. I never really saw it whilst I was with him but I had rose-tinted-love-puppy glasses on and he probably already felt wanted anyway. I knew he had flaws (like everyone does) but I accepted them because they were a part of him and I loved him. Yeah I suppose it's one of those things that you learn as you grow up.

Taking time away has definately helped me realise that this is it for me and him. I could never go back to him and he's moved on now anyway. I'm just at that weird place where I know i don't want him, but I don't really want anyone else either. I think I miss the whole aspect of being in a relationship, but I'm okay on my own for now. It just bugs me a little that he's moved on so quickly, but I guess every ex, still single, goes through that.
yeah it's also because my friends wil probably say something to him which wouldn't be a good thing. I'm not gonna worry about it, there's no point, he may totally ignore me. that way I don't have to do anything.

Thanks for all your advice, it has really helped lots. You seem to have accepted your mistakes, learnt from them and realised what you need to do to better yourself and it takes a big person to do that. I really need to do that now. You mentioned a special girl who you lost and I won't pretend I know everything about your situation but I do think you are doing the right thing and who knows what will happen in the future. You'll find someone equally as special (if not more) and you will feel ready and know it's for real and not because of the possible reasons you did previously. You seem to be taking the good from it all and that's a good way to approach any situation.

[cmacattack1]

It hurts to know that they beat you to the punch in moving on, and just because they are dating somebody else in no way shape or form means that he has actually moved on. I remember my ex talking about this new guy she was dating and how awesome he was and how great he was and how she was so over me. Screaming it at me. Yeah, really sounds like she moved on. And while she may have moved on eventually, you don't just get over somebody like a snap of the fingers. It takes a little time, you have to let them in and they have to gain your trust. That takes a little time. Also, try not to let the weight of time build up and crush your spirit. It might have been a while and you might ask yourself "it's been this long and I'm still not over him, what the hell?" and it might pressure you to be with somebody or even worse want to be back with him again. But you are going to go at your own pace. Put yourself in the position to meet new people and who knows who might come along and sweep you off your feet.

You say that your break up was spur of the moment, but I somehow don't exactly believe that. I think something was off for a while, and I think you thought about it before you did it. You didn't just wake up after a fun night with him and go "Ya know, I think we should break up." It was in the making for a while and I think you gave him chances to prove himself to you that were left unfulfilled. I'm glad you believe it was the right thing to do, because even the most hardened, strong people that dated the most scummiest people still go through that period of doubt where they wonder if they did the right thing or not. Until you have somebody else, you are always going to look back and have some feelings and love for that last person. Even though I don't know who the person my ex has become now, I still have strong love for the person I remember her to be. Not much you can really do about it though as we both know that our exes don't want to be a part of our lives again (at least not my ex). We will all have another shot at love and how much we have grown and our experience will dictate what we want and will help have a greater chance of success.