how bad is this??

[mag]

I have been in a relationship for 2 years living together for 1
there were frequent lies in the beginning....when we were apparently "falling in love"
girls calling...him call them...they had no idea about me....he said...they were nothing..he didnt sleep with any of them
just friends and exes...so why all the lying???
anyways without much proof I let it go..and he promised he would never lie again.
mostly we are great together...he has kids from a previous marriage...they are with us every other week for 4 days
he lives at my place.
I have had some trouble getting the trust back though since the beginning..every time I start to something else wierd happens
always little inconsitencies...and a few lies.
my father passed away in a tragic accident last summer...it was a very difficult time..but I still took his kids up to the cottage and made sure they had fun...and made sure the summer was pretty good considering my pain.
then I hear him on the phone one day say to a friend of his "my summer has been shit, I have had to deal with her"
who talks like that????....I was still to devastated over my fathers death to even confront that....when I did, he said he was probably in a bad mood...I dont think a bad mood makes someone talk that disrepectfully...and how selfish.
Recently I have been paying a bit more attention..and found many lies, almost daily just stupid little ones that dont even make sense....where he is, what he had for lunch, telling me he is just leaving work, yet he had left work already and was visiting a guy friend for coffee...stupid lies....
then I found a girls number in his contacts that he had just put in about 2 weeks ago...he says he cant remember who she is or why he put her in there.?????thats not possible.
(Background) he was a serial cheater and liar in his first marriage...swears he would never be that way again)

[xxazurexx]

You don't have to be in this situation and if you don't want to be.

I can't for the life of me, figure out why will people will complain yet they choose to remain?

[mag]

Thanks for the brilliant insight ??

This is an advice forum..not judgement forum

[damn2010]

She's not judging you...just ultimately giving you the clear bottomline of this. Do you want to be in a situation with a man who will lie to you about what he had for lunch? Or in a situation with one who will tell you the truth?

You have to confront him on this.

If he's lying even about small, innocent little stuff...then that is a red flag that he is possibly even hiding larger and WORST truths from you. I mean look at it, you even SAID he was a serial cheater and liar BEFORE and you have trouble trusting him. Trust is HUGE in a relationship.

[mag]

Now that was helpful advice..if I wasn't confused
I wouldn't be asking for help ..it's much harder
To figure out when you are in the
Situation...and you need to hear other
Peoples thoughts...I was not cpmplaining
I was reaching out for some clarity.
Thanks

[TheTooya]

Once a cheater, always a cheater... I watched my mom date over 20 guys, and all of them who had cheated at one time before in their lives... cheated behind my mothers back.

Cheaters are really kind of scum, don't trust him, get the **** out while you still can

[xxazurexx]

Now that was helpful advice..if I wasn't confused
I wouldn't be asking for help ..it's much harder
To figure out when you are in the
Situation...and you need to hear other
Peoples thoughts...I was not cpmplaining
I was reaching out for some clarity.
Thanks

Now who is being judgemental?

Actually, I have been in this situation and with a cheater. He was my husband and I remained in it for 10 years.

And you know what. I always had a choice to LEAVE, but I didn't....and bigger fool for me for choosing to stay!

What is it exactly that you want people to tell you? We would only be verifying for you, what you already know him to be!

So how will that be helpful for you?

You need to help yourself and LEAVE the LOSER! And it shouldnt need other people to tell you so!

[mag]

I was being sincere in my thankyou to damn 2010 ...not judgemental.....
I guess I am mistaken....I assumed this sight was for people to verify what we already know.
and since you have been in this situation....didnt you find that you needed people to tell you how bad it is
I know I can leave....but he can be very charming and believable...so yes, verification that things are wrong is exactly what I need....I thought that that was what advice was all about...
I wouldnt be here it I was not sincerely reaching out .

[xxazurexx]

I guess I am mistaken....I assumed this sight was for people to verify what we already know...

If people are aware of what the problem is, then why would they need to be told what the problem is? If I'd said he's a cheater and it's obvious that he's messing around with other woman, I'd be telling you something you already know and aware of and I saw no point in relaying what you already know. When people recognise there is a problem, then they will usually look for a way in which to solve that problem. But you don't seem to be looking for a solution to your problem. Instead you have chosen to sit back, take all of the shit he dishes out, you continue to be unhappy, to complain about what your partner is up too and then you show up on a forum and give a sarcastic reply and to a poster who decided to be 'straight' up with you and tell you that if you are 'that' unhappy and knowing what your problem is, then you have a choice - leave it!!

and since you have been in this situation....didnt you find that you needed people to tell you how bad it is

No actually I didn't need to hear it from other people that I was in a shitty situation - I knew I was. I have eyes and ears and didn't need a 'second opinion' on what was going on or someone to tell me cheating is wrong or how bad it is.

What I needed, was for someone to tell me to get the f**k out of it and because I was unhappy and for them to keep it on repeating it to me, over and over and over.

I know I can leave....but he can be very charming and believable...so yes, verification that things are wrong is exactly what I need....I thought that that was what advice was all about...
I wouldnt be here it I was not sincerely reaching out .

So he's Mr Charming. So that's a good enough reason to stay with him then. And because he's Mr Charming then that also excuses him for being a liar and a cheater does it? Because he's Mr Charming, that makes all the shit he bestows on your worthwhile.

He's lied to you from day ONE and had other women calling him and him calling them. You have caught him out in lies and some things don't add up and throughout your relationship. You hear him 'bad mouth' you in a phone call to someone and during a time when you lost your father. More recently you find a womans phone number in his contacts and the guy can't even explain it...probably because it is difficult for him to explain it and he knows you would throw a fit if he did explain the truth behind it...

He's believable and because you want to believe him and despite the fact you know he's a liar and because you claim to have caught him out in many lies. You have proven him to be a liar.....yet you still believe him??

All the signs are there and as plain as day, this man is a cheater, who cheats on you! He does not respect you, nor your relationship.

So how do you plan to solve this problem now then?

[lahnnabell]

Why are you with this man? Really. Take a good look at yourself and ask yourself this question. Why do you want such a damaging person in your life?

Women get this grandiose notion that men will change FOR them. No. Women think that somehow they're different and that this man will suddenly have a revelation and change his ways. He's very set in his ways and nothing you can do will alter them. This is NOT a measure of your self-worth. He is a selfish, insecure little boy that indulges in the attention of other women because it makes him feel good about himself. He is not a confident, stable person capable of nurturing someone beyond himself. He will only change when he realizes that no self-respecting woman will put up with his shit.

[mag]

Thankyou ...that's what I needed and
Was looking for ..I guess..have never Been
In this situation before ...and needed a few
Kicks in the butt!!..I am ending it asap!!!'
Thanks for your help