So my fiance's on probation ...

[SweetGurl21]

He's on probation for assult on me almsot 2 years ago. I left and came back on the promise that he was going to seek counselling for himself and attend Anger Management. Part of his peace pond and probation order is that, if I ask him to leave he has to leave the property and contact his Probation Officer, aswell as he cannot return until his PO say's he can.

Since this has all come to be, I have asked him many times to leave( always due to arguements), usually becuase I feel threatened or scared or just plain and simple he wont leave me alone about an arguement when I say I'm no longer discussing it for whatever reason. Now, when I say I no longer want to discuss/argue/fight about something for whatever reason, I will tell him I need to be left alone right now and we need to cool off. If I leave the room he follows me and gets really volatile about it and continues it. Thus turning it into a screaming match. He usually manipulates me out of him having to leave. Even though our agreement with his PO is that he's supposed to leave when I ask and if he doesn't I'm to call the cops because it's a breach on his PB.

On June 5th this year ..... We were driving around in our car and he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong, which there wasn't. He sai "Well you look pissed off! What'd I do?!" I told him " I might look mad because the sun is in my eyes and I forgot my sunglasses in my truck, I'm not mad at you I'm just squinting right now." Well after a while he had himself convinced that I WAS po'd at him even though I told him many times I wasn't. When we finally got home, he sat in the car and was all mad because I wouldn't tell him what wrong. Even though I had. I went to grab some stuff out of the trunk of the car, and threw the rear window saw the car was sitting in Reverse, and I heard him say something " ..... Run you over" Thats all I hear to his sentence and for me it was enough. I grabed my stuff from the trunk, opened the backdoor up and told our daughter to unbuckle herself and to come in the house with me and told him to go for a drive and cool off. I wanted to avoid any fighting so I simply told him I didn't want our daughter in the car with him because of his anger and told him to go for a drive and chill out. I got in the house and realized I had left my keys in the car along with a couple other things. I ran outside and asked him if I could have my keys back before he drove away. His response was "Why?! So you can go to Prince George and leave me?!?!!!!" I said "No I just want my keys back" ... he drove off cursing and swearing calling me a buncha names and whatnot. I came in the house, pissed off because he was withholding my keys from me and I felt trapped. He came back 2 mins later, I walked outside soon as I saw him pull in the driveway, he got out, with my keys in his hand ( he made a fist so tight his hand turned red and his knuckles were white). When he walked up to me I said "Give me my damn keys" ... I didn't scream or yell I just plainly in my normal tone said it. When he held them out and I went to grab them and he pulled them away and started walking away calling me a bitch and said HE WAS going to call the cops on me. I turned around and walked into the house, as I was walking into the house I realized he was following me, I told him to leave before the situation gets worse I went to close the door and he was trying to push his way in, he eventually pushed hard enough that he got in. Soon as he came in he looked as though he wanted to throttle me and he scared the shit outta me. His face was red and I could see the veins in his neck, his teeth were clenched, his fists were clenched and he was really loud. I grabbed the phone and called 911 to send a cop to our house. Cops showed up within 10 mins seperated us and talked to us. After I had gotten off the phone with 911, before the cops showed up he was ranting about " OMG What'd you do? What'd you do? DO you know what this will do to me?"

Now, from my understanding he broke his peace bond/probation by not leaving. The cops told him although it's not illegal for him to have my keys, if I ask for them he's supposed to give them to me as it's a control mechanism.


We had counselling this past Sunday and started with this incident. He put all the blame on me and didn't take responsibility at all for his own actions. I don't believe that it's my fault. I asked for my keys that is all. I didn't swing at him, I didn't yell at him until he tried pushing his way threw the door after I told him to go away. I was willing at that point to let go of the fact he had my keys and it was stupid.

After this incident happened I started typing a letter on my laptop, about how I feel about everything in our relationship up to this point. One thing in said "If you want to have a happy and healthy relationship with me you need to go to anger management liek you promised almost 2 yrs ago, counselling for yourself and a mens group for healthy relationships." I'm in a womens group for healthy relationships and heard there s mens one aswell. I find it's help me as a person alot.

Am I wrong to ask him to do these things for the sake of our relationship?

I know I can't make someone change, but he keeps saying he wants to change and be better. Yet when I suggest these things to him, he says he doesn't need anger management, he has no problems therefore he doesn't need counselling, and he doesn't feel that the mens group would do him any good because he already ( in his mind) does the things they'd tell him to do, therefore putting the blame on me, making it seem like I'm the problem. He's even told my family that I'm the problem in the relationship.

Am I wrong for asking this of him? Am I the one to blame?

We've been together comming up on 3 years, these past 2 years have seemed like hell.
Is it worth fix anymore or is it beyond fixing?

[afterhourz]

You're doing everything you can, its not your fault. And you're right, you cant change anyone, only they can change themselves. Hate to say it, but it sounds like you're dating a 15 year old boy throwing temper tantrums. Except these tantrums can get you or others hurt.

I hate to say it... but I think you deserve much better then this, and should break things off as soon as you can, and start a fresh life with love and happiness, and find a man who is on the same page as you. This guy definitely isn't.

[TheTooya]

Its not worth fixing... this guy sounds like vermin, and people don't change. Move on...

[Illusional]

nevermind who is wrong or right in this situation, i'm wondering why are you still with him? sure he might be a great person, but if the negatives outweighs the positive, then why?? i feel that you are correct if that matters, but that is besides the point here.


raverboy

[SweetGurl21]

I'm not so much trying to prove whose right or wrong out of him and I but more trying to tell myself that I did what was right by contacting the police and not what he says. He has a way of making me feel guilty for his actions. I don't know why I'm still with him, probably fear and the fact he's the father of my kid. Other then that I dunno. I don't really love him anymore .. not like I used to. I'm more afraid of him now then anything.

[Illusional]

then leave him. i assume that you're already got some kinda restraining order against him.

raverboy

[SweetGurl21]

I in fact don't have a restraining order against him ... I live with him. He just has Peace Bond and probation orders right now

[qwertz]

What bothers me is that this happens in front of your daughter. You can say what you want to try and justify it but its wrong, you should leave, if not for yourself then your daughters sake.
The day you brought a child into the world is the day you come second to their needs. This is not a healthy place for a child.

[VincenzoG91]

He sounds like a sociopath. Stop making excuses and leave him.

Six years ago, I took an anger management class. I wasn't required to take it, but my girlfriend really wanted me to do it after a particularly nasty argument. The class was a very positive experience that saved both my relationship and my career. I took the class very seriously and did all the homework and participated in every class discussion. More importantly, I took responsibility for my issues and and worked on them. Now, when I find myself in a frustrating or upsetting situation, I have various tactics that I use to handle things without losing my cool. I'm not perfect, but I am a lot better now.

Your guy is a scumbag. The class didn't make a difference for him, because he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and just blames everybody else. He sounds very selfish and mean, and I can't understand why you would want him in your life at all, let alone live with him. Yes, you had a kid with him, but there is no shame today in being a single mom. The only potential drawback would be that he sounds like the kind of guy would do everything possible to avoid paying child support.

[SweetGurl21]

He refuses to take anger management as he thinks it's for "wife beating hicks" and he truly believes that he's doing nothing wrong. He wants me to go to it because I yell at him( I only yell when I've asked him to leave me alone or drop a subject and he keeps pursuing). I don't believe I need it but I wouldn't be against taking it on my own. But I know for a fact that I could never be in the same one as him, I was told that by my counsellor. Everyone has told him that AM is not at all like you see on TV and yet he has himself convinced in his head that it is that way and also has himself convinced that he doesn't need it at all.

One reason why I haven't left yet and am terrified of is, I did leave him when he assulted me 2 winters ago ... I had taken the bus to my aunts place 2.5 hrs away and soon as I got off the bus my aunt had told me he contacts everyone in my family looking for me. Calling everyone he thought I would have gone to .... some even several time. The Aunt who I had gone to stay with, had just moved there a few wks before and her # wasn't even listed yet and he somehow managed to get her number and address. When he talked to me at my Aunts he said he knew where I was, and he could come and get me blah blah blah. He has a very obbsessive personality and c ontroling. I can't even go and visit my family in another town without him calling me several time a day at there place and my cell aswell as emailing me. I'm scared that if I leave ... he'll track me down. I"m also terrified of his dad, he's under the impression that everything is my fault and it's okay for Kevin to be the way he is. I'm terrified that either seperatley or together, if I leave, these to will track me down, take my daughter from me or worse.

When we had court about the assult( court was last fall) I got setup with a victim service counsellor and she has told me if I ever need help I can call her. She has told me all the right steps to take to do it right, I'm just scared.

He keeps saying he wants to change/is going to change and asks me how/what he can do to change and make things better for us as a family. I keep telling him AM, counselling for himself and maybe the healthy relationships group.

Lastnight he was pouting and sulking because he has an appointment on friday with his PO and has to tell him about police contact. He orginally told me that if the PO doesn't already know about it he wasn't gunna say anything about it, even though by law he has to. He's all scared that because he breached his order that he's going to prison and laying a guilt trip on me saying "IF I'm around after friday we should ....." " Hopefully I'll be around after friday" ..... All i said to him lastnight was "Are you trying to blame me for your actions that day still?" He wants me to go with him to see his PO so our "stories" match up.

[afterhourz]

Stop wasting your time and get rid of this loser. No further explanation required... do it for your daughter.

[girl68]

If it's required on his probation he HAS TO implying no choice. If you don't mind calling the cops on him why won't tell his PO he hasn't attented classes?

[Gigabitch]

One reason why I haven't left yet and am terrified of is, I did leave him when he assulted me 2 winters ago ... I had taken the bus to my aunts place 2.5 hrs away and soon as I got off the bus my aunt had told me he contacts everyone in my family looking for me. Calling everyone he thought I would have gone to .... some even several time. The Aunt who I had gone to stay with, had just moved there a few wks before and her # wasn't even listed yet and he somehow managed to get her number and address. When he talked to me at my Aunts he said he knew where I was, and he could come and get me blah blah blah. He has a very obbsessive personality and c ontroling. I can't even go and visit my family in another town without him calling me several time a day at there place and my cell aswell as emailing me. I'm scared that if I leave ... he'll track me down. I"m also terrified of his dad, he's under the impression that everything is my fault and it's okay for Kevin to be the way he is. I'm terrified that either seperatley or together, if I leave, these to will track me down, take my daughter from me or worse.

Oh, well then, by all means, stay with him. That is a perfect reason for you to act like a professional victim for the rest of your life and drag your daughter into it as well.

You suck. My mom was like you. You're subhuman.

[(will)]

shit, if he assaulted you, forget about him

[Illusional]

^^^ i guess that you didn't read the entire thread huh?


raverboy