why am i so insecure, only when it comes to people i love?

[cgracek]

ive been told my whole life that i'm a beautiful, smart, funny girl that has everything going for me. for the most part, i DO believe it. but i've noticed something about myself that has been apart of me for as long as i can remember.. i always doubt the people i care most about's love for me. i always fear and think that i love someone more than they love me, so i back off or act stuck up towards them. like when i was little i was super attached to my mom but i never thought she loved me as much as i loved her cause she had 5 kids to take care of that at the time needed more attention. so i tried to make her think i didnt really care about her.. that happens to me in friendships, relationships with boys, and sometimes even people i just meet but really like. now im with my boyfriend of one year and i NEVER doubted his love for me, i never felt the need to act stand offish towards him until two recent break ups he initiated (we got back together). now i all of a sudden feel the need to show him that he's not all that important to me and i dont need him, even tho i do desperately. other than that, im actually OVERLY confident in myself. i feel superior to people and like i can have any boy i want, until i get him and actually fall in love. then i doubt that love.

some history that may have something to do with this: my parents divorced when i was 4 years old and i was raised with the influence that my dad was not a good man and i felt like i shouldn't like or love him. my dad ALWAYS told/tells me he loves, but he does not in any way show me he does. he's never been apart of my life. i tell myself i hate my father and dont love him, but deep down i sometimes question that. i think i just wish i had a dad that acted like a dad. this might not have anything to do with my insecurity issues in relationships, when i think about my dad i truly do believe i do not love him at all, but is that even possible?

[RdHrshyKss]

first off, it was very wrong of your mother to say those things about your dad when you were so young. although her relationship with him was crappy, it was not fair for her to interfere with your relationship with him. he is your father. yes, she most likely did it to protect you, or at least that's how she justifies her actions, but in the end it was a rather selfish thing for her to do. maybe your dad just didn't know how to show you how he loved you. or maybe he did try and your mother made it very difficult for him. i don't know your situation at all so this is all just speculation. but if you were constantly brought up to believe that he was a bad person who didn't love you, well it would make sense that he would behave in a way to live up to that expectation. ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy? maybe your mother's attitude towards him made him feel that he wasn't good enough, so he steered clear even though he might have wanted to be there.

it also sounds like you've had this resentment towards your dad's absence for a long time, and in order to cope with it you've pushed people away in order to protect yourself. it would only make sense that this would come forth in future relationships with other people. you push them away out of habit, and with the hope that if they loved you enough, they would fight for you. but in the end, your pushing away only makes it more difficult for them to actually show you how they care. it's a defense mechanism. and honestly, lots of people do it, so don't feel completely singled out here.

don't push people away. take control of yourself in those instances that you feel yourself doing it. understand that people might not be able to live up to the expectations that you have of them, and that is completely normal. it will take lots of time and patience to work on this, but know that it is for the best. maybe look into a therapist. they might be able to help you realize things you haven't.

[cgracek]

rdhrshykiss- it actually wasnt my mom who put those thoughts into my head, it was my older siblings. my mom has always told me that he's my father and ensured that he loves me. my dads actually the one that tries to turn me against my mom. but everything else you said made sensee, thank you.

[RdHrshyKss]

i was raised with the influence that my dad was not a good man and i felt like i shouldn't like or love him. my dad ALWAYS told/tells me he loves, but he does not in any way show me he does. he's never been apart of my life. i tell myself i hate my father and dont love him, but deep down i sometimes question that. i think i just wish i had a dad that acted like a dad.

my apologies...when you said you "were raised" i immediately thought your mom. but anyways, the same applies to your siblings. may i ask how old they are and how old you are in comparison? are you the youngest child? i would still say that this bad stigma of him being a "bad dad" was probably something your dad heard a lot, which made him feel inadequate and he just stopped trying. no excuse for him of course...you are his daughter and he should have been there. but it sucks that your siblings' bad experiences with him sort of dictated your view of him. but it was also wrong for him to talk crap about your mother to you. his issues with your mom should have stayed between him and your mother. it sucks that you had to be dragged into their drama.

but even though he has his shortcomings, it might be a good idea to try to build a relationship with him? call him up and just try starting conversation. this is all just speculation but your dad's absence in your life probably has a very significant impact on your relations with people. maybe you'll be able to work on your relations with others by hacking away at that crap you've been holding against your dad for so long. talk to him, tell him how you feel...get it off your chest. tell him that the way he has behaved makes you feel like he doesn't love you. and tell him that love is something that is earned, it's not something that anyone deserves just because they are your blood (besides for an innocent child, like you were). he hurt you, and you need to express it in order to move forward. it will help empower you to tackle your issues with intimacy and the oh so common "avoiding abandonment by abandoning others before they abandon you" habit.