Pre-engagement difficulty #2

[Neuro]

It seems as though we are facing one hurdle after another before getting engaged. And since this forum is so very amazing, I would like your input on this, too.

As you know from before, by beau and I are about to get engaged. And we are facing another hurdle.

In short - a year ago he bought a house. Six months ago, I bought a two-family house. So we are both home owners. However, he rents out the first floor and lives on the second floor apartment. I, on the other hand, bought a two-family home with my folks. They are upstairs, I am downstairs. The home is gorgeous, and I have put so much work and time and money into it... and he has too, in terms of helping with whatever I needed him despite having to do work on his own new home. My parents had decided to buy a home with me as a gift to me. I know it seems strange, but they gave me the gift of owning and having my own place. They sold our one-family home and we bought this house six months ago.

With that in mind, my boyfriend wants us to live in his house once we are engaged. I understand, and I am willing to make that compromise. However, I feel so awful telling my folks (only six months after we bought this home) that I will be moving out soon... They will feel completely betrayed. Or will they...? It is true that at the time I bought my place with my foks my boyfriend and I hadn't discussed the possibility of marriage. Now, six months later, I am expected to move out of my brand new home... AND leave my folks alone with it to figure things out.

I am in a tough spot - either compromise for the beau and hurt my parents' feelings... Or be sensitive to my parents and not get engaged/married. There is absolultely NO way the beau would move into my place for reasons such as privacy... and tradition, I suppose. He feels that by being a male, he should provide for me... and not the other way around.

Help?

[vashti]

Can your parents afford to keep the house without you?

[hurt_confuzd]

Buy a third house and move into that one.

[QueenofCorona]

As awkward and unpleasant as it can be sitting down and talking money is probably something that you two need to sit down and do. Compare each households expenses and see what works. Would your parents be willing to take in renters to your home? Would they want to rent from your bf's current apt and you two live in your home?

[Neuro]

My parents could definitely afford to keep the home. They can also rent out the place underneath them. Those are all viable options.

However, my problem is with ethics... My conscience is killing me because I had agreed to this huge purchase, and now I am backing out of it. Especially since my folks wanted to buy it for me so that I have a place of my own to live in, and now I'd be moving out after moving in only recently.

The option of us moving into my place is not feasible - he needs more privacy...

Finances were discussed - he is aware of everything.

[lovesjoyajm]

So you weren't engaged or planning on marrying soon when you bought the house... but were you planning on EVER getting married? And did you expect that any potential husband would want to move into your house?

I'm just wondering why this has come as such a huge inconvenience when it seems like it would probably have happened sometime, if not now, then later.

[vashti]

I don't know how old you are, but it doesn't seem reasonable that your parents haven't considered the idea that you might eventually get married and want to move. What contingency plan did they have when you bought together?

BTW - I don't know that I'd want to move into his house. It's possible it will feel like HIS house, and not both of yours.

[QueenofCorona]

Don't beat yourself up over it. They love you and want you to be happy. I'm sure they thought at some point you'd have a family of your own. Just keep them in the loop and give them plenty of notice, offer to help find good and respectful renters.

[Neuro]

I just thought I'd give you guys an update... Three months later we have come to the conclusion that, in reality, we cannot be together.

While I had returned the ring and initially had all the intentions to take it back asap, I started to notice things about him I had never noticed before.

Suddenly it was an issue that I wanted to hyphenate my last name - according to him, our names wouldn't be the same and it was disrespectful to him and his family that I hyphenate my name..... The second issue was that he was absolutely insulted that I refused to live in his apartment that was in a worse/less safe/less desirable neighborhood than my apartment - I suggested we move into the city (away from his house and mine), neutral grounds, across the street from his work where we'd have more fun as a young couple. It took some time to convince him, but he finally agreed... however, he continued to be insulted I had not want to move into his apartment. I felt as though all my suggestions started becoming insulting - he began feeling like I was disrespecting him. I began feeling very restrained. There were no compromises made. Why does it matter what my last name will look like if we are together???? And why is it insulting if I suggest we live in the city?? It's not like I refused to live with him....

I am not sure if he can accept me... I am not sure what else I'd want to do that he'd approve of in the future. I just have too many uncertainties. We broke up yesterday morning. Maybe in a few years we can try to figure it out, but now is just not our time to be together.... : (

[VincenzoG91]

It's probably for the best. Otherwise, your relationship would have been an ongoing power struggle.

[Incognito]

BTW - I don't know that I'd want to move into his house. It's possible it will feel like HIS house, and not both of yours.

That is an excellent point. Someone mentioned earlier (jokingly I think) to move out of both houses and get a third, but that is a better option if it can be done. Both of you decide what house to get and both names on the deed. That also makes it impossible for someone to take the house if one person is sued and loses everything in court.

[Incognito]

Wow, I just read the last post. He sounds like a jerk. Personally I'd have an issue with the last name thing, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. The fact that he was insulted and disrespected just because you didn't just submit to his wants is troubling to say the least. You mentioned "beau" and tradition, and your parents buying you a house as an early wedding present. Did you grow up in the US? If so where are your parents from? What about him and his parents? It seems to me that many people from countries with more traditional views expect women to just shut up and submit. When that doesn't happen the men feel disrespected and often become abusive. It seems that you are better off without him.

[VincenzoG91]

I'm guessing the deep south, due to the use of the word "beau."

[Incognito]

"Beau" has me totally thrown off. Is that pronounced "boo"?

[VincenzoG91]

It's pronounced "bo." Rhymes with hoe.