Am I asking too much?

[Gene]

My Issue: I don’t believe that my girlfriend is putting enough into the relationship to make me content.

The Situation: I wrapped up a 10 year marriage with a three year separation and divorce which ended in February. I ended that relationship, and I don’t believe that I am carrying baggage forward do to the length of the separation. I’ve dated five people since my divorce was finalized. Most of those relationships ended due to mutual belief that our life goals were incompatible (I think I know what I’m after, and I’m willing to end things if they’re not right). All ended on good terms. I’ve been in a relationship with the 5th woman I’ve dated for almost four months now.

Overall I think that we're both enjoying the relationship. We have a lot in common, and we seem to be going in the same direction with our lives. Plenty is going right. A few things need attention. I think that’s normal for any relationship.

My idea of an ideal relationship is one where each person gives everything they are able to the other. Each has consideration for the others needs and feelings. I do my best to live up this ideal. In this relationship, I think I’ve been doing my part. When she has a problem, I listen objectively and try to find a solution that is mutually agreeable (even if I don’t agree with the issue or understand the problem fully). If anyone has to give, I generally do. I have found that she is less willing to make any compromise on issues I have. This is only recently coming to light because I haven’t really had any issues that I felt needed attention in the relationship. Instead of dealing with issues, she becomes upset that I have an issue and spins things around to where I’m in the wrong for feeling the way I do. As I don’t want to hurt her, I back off. This has happened twice, and both times the same situation occurred. I didn’t back off the second time and she really became upset to the point of wanting to break up. She reversed herself pretty quickly on that one, but that really opened my eyes a little. It could have been a Freudian slip after all. I’m pretty sure that if we have a similar disagreement with an outcome that is less than compromising again, I’m going to walk.

Am I being too idealistic about my view of relationships? I haven’t dated in quite awhile. Are relationships these days more a matter of making myself feel good and using someone else to do it?

I’m not afraid to look for someone else. I don’t believe that all the good ones are gone, but I don’t want to toss away something that might be good with a little more work. I know there’s no right or wrong answers on this, but what advice would you give?

[RdHrshyKss]

i don't think you are. the communication between you two is obviously off. sit down and have a serious conversation with her. you've been around and know what you are looking for. if she is not interested in putting forth an effort to acknowledge or even listen to what you are trying to tell her, then good riddance. you have been there for her, why isn't she there for you when you need her?

i'm in a similar situation, however, i've been in my relationship for 4 years, so it's a lot harder for me to back away. 4 months isn't too long, have a talk with her and if she won't budge, then move on, no reason to have all this unnecessary stress in your life. if you know what you want, go out and get it and don't let stubborn/manipulative people like her stop you.

[Gigabitch]

It sounds to me like a matter of skills. She doesn't have the skill set to advance to the level of relationship you'd like to enjoy. This stuff can be difficult to face because it's all wrapped up in emotional stuff that goes way back. I have no doubt her avoidance behaviors are the result of long habit. It doesn't mean she's a waste of time, though.

These communication issues can be addressed very easily in counseling if she's open to it. It's harder for you to do it yourself, since you're the person who is triggering her response in the first place. Would you be willing to suggest counseling for such a new relationship?

[Sonrisa]

My Issue: I don’t believe that my girlfriend is putting enough into the relationship to make me content.

The Situation: I wrapped up a 10 year marriage with a three year separation and divorce which ended in February. I ended that relationship, and I don’t believe that I am carrying baggage forward do to the length of the separation. I’ve dated five people since my divorce was finalized. Most of those relationships ended due to mutual belief that our life goals were incompatible (I think I know what I’m after, and I’m willing to end things if they’re not right). All ended on good terms. I’ve been in a relationship with the 5th woman I’ve dated for almost four months now.

Overall I think that we're both enjoying the relationship. We have a lot in common, and we seem to be going in the same direction with our lives. Plenty is going right. A few things need attention. I think that’s normal for any relationship.

My idea of an ideal relationship is one where each person gives everything they are able to the other. Each has consideration for the others needs and feelings. I do my best to live up this ideal. In this relationship, I think I’ve been doing my part. When she has a problem, I listen objectively and try to find a solution that is mutually agreeable (even if I don’t agree with the issue or understand the problem fully). If anyone has to give, I generally do. I have found that she is less willing to make any compromise on issues I have. This is only recently coming to light because I haven’t really had any issues that I felt needed attention in the relationship. Instead of dealing with issues, she becomes upset that I have an issue and spins things around to where I’m in the wrong for feeling the way I do. As I don’t want to hurt her, I back off. This has happened twice, and both times the same situation occurred. I didn’t back off the second time and she really became upset to the point of wanting to break up. She reversed herself pretty quickly on that one, but that really opened my eyes a little. It could have been a Freudian slip after all. I’m pretty sure that if we have a similar disagreement with an outcome that is less than compromising again, I’m going to walk.

Am I being too idealistic about my view of relationships? I haven’t dated in quite awhile. Are relationships these days more a matter of making myself feel good and using someone else to do it?

I’m not afraid to look for someone else. I don’t believe that all the good ones are gone, but I don’t want to toss away something that might be good with a little more work. I know there’s no right or wrong answers on this, but what advice would you give?

are you compromising on issues she has?

[lahnnabell]

I am of the mind that you should give yourself some more breathing room. You only just divorced in February. Why do you feel the need to find a new woman so quickly? It seems like you've attempted to get serious with all of them in a very short span of time. Maybe you should take life as it comes and see what it throws at you.

[Gene]

Thanks for the responses, everyone!

RdHrsyKss: I agree that the communication is off. They question I have is, “why?” There may be another issue causing this, and I’m happy to address it. Maybe she’s not comfortable enough to tell me, and I may need to give her time. I don’t really believe that she’s doing this intentionally.

My major concern is that I sincerely believe the she will back down on anything I want if I’m going to walk. I don’t want her to do that. I don’t want things to get to that point every time we’re in some sort of conflict. And what kind of person would I be if I took advantage of such a situation?

On a side note, I’m sad to hear that you’re in a similar place. I appreciate you taking the time to give me advice, and I’ll take your wisdom to heart.

Gigabitch: You’re probably correct in thinking that it’s a lack of communication skills. Whether it’s an emotional roadblock or a lack of experience with someone who will actually communicate issues and not play games, it can probably be fixed. I just don’t think I’d be willing to go to counseling over a relationship that’s a few months old. I’d probably look at this as a big red flag, wish her well, and head over the horizon. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s just that I’d expect someone to have herself in order before entering into a relationship. I think listening skills and conflict resolution experience is pretty basic for a thirty-something.

Sonrisa: Yes, I am compromising on her issues. I actively look for things I’m doing that might be a problem. Most things aren’t a big deal (it’s a new relationship after all) at this point, but I will always listen to what she has to say, and I always try to be supportive. Maybe I’m too supportive, and she’s taking that for granted… I really don’t know. I don’t have to be that way; I could always flip the switch and not yield to her at all. I think that’s a little too passive-aggressive for me though. I really don’t like games at all.

Lahnnabell: It’s funny you should mention that. I’m typically a person who can’t relax until everything is done. When my last relationship ended (three-years ago), I was bummed out for a few months, felt the need to fill the void for a few months, then kind of did my own thing for about two years. I think enough time has passed that I’m not on the rebound. I did, however, want another relationship. I went on a dating bender right after everything finalized, but I was smart enough to let go of what would not work. Maybe I shouldn’t be looking so far into the future and enjoy what I have now… But, I’ve always been this way! I begin with the end in mind. When I date, I’m looking for a future spouse. I see dating as pointless without the possibility of a future. I’m actually holding myself back on purpose as to not let things progress too fast.

[lahnnabell]

Lahnnabell: It’s funny you should mention that. I’m typically a person who can’t relax until everything is done. When my last relationship ended (three-years ago), I was bummed out for a few months, felt the need to fill the void for a few months, then kind of did my own thing for about two years. I think enough time has passed that I’m not on the rebound. I did, however, want another relationship. I went on a dating bender right after everything finalized, but I was smart enough to let go of what would not work. Maybe I shouldn’t be looking so far into the future and enjoy what I have now… But, I’ve always been this way! I begin with the end in mind. When I date, I’m looking for a future spouse. I see dating as pointless without the possibility of a future. I’m actually holding myself back on purpose as to not let things progress too fast.

Perhaps now is a good time to try something new then. It's gotta be disheartening to be with a person like yourself. I mean, your mind seeks out every possible answer or explanation instead of just letting things flow. You've got to have an answer for everything. Love doesn't always have those precise answers you're looking for. There's a vast expanse of gray area due to the fact that every experience is relative. How you experience a relationship is not the same for someone else, even your partner.

I understand you are looking for a future spouse, but you're leaving no room for error either. When I began dating my ex, I wasn't immediately physically attracted to him. After I got to know him and understand what a sweet personality he had, I became very attracted. And certain physical attributes began to shine through, like his beautiful blue eyes, or his broad shoulders.

It is important to have a goal in mind, but placing such expectations on a relationship so early can really dampen the romance and the fun. It becomes nothing more than a transaction, an exchange of goods. No passion. No surprises.

On that note, I'm curious as to why you and your wife divorced.

[Gene]

Lahnnabell,

I smell what you’re cooking. I think you have me a little wrong, though. I’m more heart than head. I’m not expecting some ideal person to share my life with, just a person who I can love and build a relationship with. There aren’t many deal breakers with me, but a failure to be able to effectively communicate and reach meaningful solutions is really important. It’s one of the most important things in a healthy relationship.

I love each moment. I don’t need to have all the answers. I do think about things a lot, but in the end I’m as much of a fool as anyone. I just try to live a good life and be happy. I think it’s good that I’m putting thought into this problem. If I didn’t, I’d probably just walk. If I just walked away at the first hint of real trouble, I wouldn’t make a very good boyfriend IMO.

My wife and I divorced about a year after she became mentally ill after the birth of our daughter. We tried to work things out, but she would not take her meds, quit seeing her doctor, suffered major mood swings, grew distant, and committed what I would call financial infidelity. It just got to the point where I couldn’t trust her, and neither of us was happy.

[Gigabitch]

Well, if you're ready to walk, she's probably not worth the investment. I, myself, got damned tired of training people and releasing them into the wild. I'm glad I found one worth keeping. Hope you do too.

[downinthedumps]

men are from mars and women are from venus... I don't know what the issue that were raised, but there are different levels of issues - such as 'can you pleaseeeee put the toilet seat down' and 'can you please not be a bum' for example (sorry, I ran out of ideas)...

No relationship is perfect, but it sounds like she might be quite manipulative if she turns the issue round to point the finger at you, and if that doesn't work, she turns on the water works... and not many men can resist that ... the rest of your life is a long time, so do you want to live it like everything is your fault and walking on eggshells?

I think that you just need to relax and not live your life by the 'list', you will meet someone who probably not meet your criteria but tick all the boxes that are important - and when you meet that person, it wouldn't matter "who didnt put the washing up away" or any issues would be worked out because both of you want to work it out.