Can it work?

[mattyt123321]

Hello!

I’m a 29 year old English guy and I guess I’m looking for the opinions of people that are completely neutral and have no link to my life.

About 3 months ago I got chatting to a 29 year old German lady on the internet. The chatting very quickly became a daily thing, then after a couple of weeks the instant messenger conversations became Skype conversations... webcam / headsets. A mutual romantic interest began to build between the two of us. I work in IT as network engineer and she is a lecturer at a German university and is also moving to the UK in 2 months to work toward her PHD at a UK university with a view to starting a new life over here. After about two months of daily contact she invited me over to Germany to stay with her for a long weekend and I happily agreed! The visit was fantastic and we had an amazing time in each others company. A few weeks later, as she had an appointment visiting the UK UNI at which she is going to study toward her PHD. We organised for her to come and stay with me for four days afterwards – she’s just left for home today and once again we’ve generally had a great time together although doubts (which in honesty have always been there on both our parts) have arisen. We both have strong feelings for one another... she even suggested that she is falling in love with me and also hinted indirectly that she hopes I fall in love with her! We talk about making a future together and travelling together. We both want the same in terms of starting a family in years to come and she has made quite a few Freudian slips over the 3 months lol. Our core principals and beliefs very closely match and we can happily chat for hours and hours at a time. I met her friends and sister when in Germany and got on with them fantastically and they really liked me too! She met my family and friends who loved her and she loved them. On the whole when we are together it feels amazing – she is so much fun, so intelligent, so beautiful and so affectionate. We are both (losing my sense of modesty for one second) a very attractive couple, both intelligent (although she is definitely more intelligent than I) and have quite a lot in common. She left this morning on a high saying she hasn’t felt this way about someone in a very, very long time (if ever) and that she feels extremely happy and we are already arranging a return visit for her in a few weeks. I too have to admit to feeling very happy although concerned about our mutual doubts.

BUT here is the problem / source of our doubts... there’s A LOT that we don’t have in common. We both come from very different social and cultural back grounds... she is an academic and an intellectual / I’m an intelligent guy but by no means an intellectual. She is very cultured and as I’m just a normal English guy – I am not. Her idea of a great afternoon out would probably be a walk around a museum (which I wouldn’t be against although it isn’t something I’ve really taken an interest in before) and mine would perhaps be a BBQ with friends and family and a few drinks (which she would also enjoy but it wouldn’t be her first choice). In an evening in the week I like to relax and watch a movie or some comedy – she doesn’t even own a TV and get the impression that the idea of watching TV is most definitely not high on her list of priorities – in fact I think she feels it is repulsive (although she does like movies from time to time just not on a daily basis). I also find spending a lot of time in her company quite mentally draining as she is conversationalist – I love a conversation but relentless conversation for days at a time is draining and a few hours relaxing in front of the TV I get great benefit from. Also, although I’ve never tried to be / make out that I’m someone I’m not and have always been open and honest about my lack of general historical knowledge (she is a historian) that I have (although I’m very, very interested in history) she will try to engage me from time to time in conversation on certain topics upon which I have no knowledge and seems to get frustrated with me for not knowing things. She will also try to engage me in conversation about politics for which I have absolutely no interest and I make an effort to humour her but she see’s straight through me and seems sad and frustrated by this. We have both discussed our differences and she believes that we should both be willing to make compromises in order to make it work – which I’m fine with – but she comes from a very privileged background (upper middle class whereas I’m middle class) and I think she is used to getting her own way... and thus far I feel that the compromises have generally been one way. Also – as with most British people, my social circle like to meet at the weekend and have a drink and a party... she doesn’t understand this and only views this an unhealthy way in which to live – even if it is only at the weekend – she does however love my friends and does enjoy a glass of wine or two. She can also be very critical and is quick to point out where she see’s fault in my life / friends lives and / or our behaviours and suggests how I could / should improve my life and general knowledge – which I find quite trying at times and I tell her so and she admits this is something that she needs to control – but still does reasonably frequently. We are both very stubborn and head strong – I refuse to completely roll-over for her.

I worry that these differences, although we both agree we want to work through them and have a go at making a life together (although at a slow pace) – could ultimately be our downfall. That she will meet an academic guy a year or so down the line and leave me (or we won’t even get that far in the first place). I’ve been open with these concerns and she has said that academic men don’t have the emotional intelligence that I have and that she is pretty crazy about me. I know nothing in terms of relationships is certain but I’m now 29 and want to feel we’re not going to waste our time in a relationship that is doomed to failure from the start. We have talked about just taking things very slowly and seeing how things progress...

I’m just after peoples “take” on this situation and where you may feel it will go or how it should be approached and more generally... could it / will it work?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and reply to this monster post!

[TheTooya]

My "take" on this long term will get dull...

The "honey moon" phase is in, and you are already find yourself coping with each others differences. In the future, what common ground will you two share? What can you talk about with her?

There seems to be many issues, that I think is great that you identified first before moving forward...

How about this, can you briefly describe what draws you to her?

[xxazurexx]

Is it true german women don't shave their armpits then?

Doomed for failure I'm afraid. Sounds like you are two very different people who want different things and in time you would grow bored silly of her, as she would you.

[mattyt123321]

Thetooya...

1. There’s quite a strong physical attraction.
2. She’s a fun loving, light-hearted girl (when she’s not starting a deeply intellectual conversation – rare but it happens).
3. We are very compatible between the sheets (sorry).
4. She’s great with people – my friends / family have all been blown away by her.
5. We “click”.
6. We both have things in common – love of travelling, walking, socialising, running, history (although her knowledge is far greater than mine).
7. We both want the same out of life.
8. She makes me want to be a better person – To perhaps move onto the next stage in my life; from a party loving youth to a being more mature, well rounded person.

xxazurexx...

LOL!!! In her parents generation, yeah - they didn't shave their pits... we discussed and laughed about this.

[xxazurexx]

Glad you appear to have a sense of humour ^

For a relationship to progress and last, you need to be on the same level and connected, physically, sexually, emotionally and intellectually. Physically you are attracted to one another, sexually, no problem....the emotional is there, but intellectually is the main connection that you need and for it to last.

Being a person myself who likes deep and meaningful discussions and a person who would also rather wander around an old castle or museum as opposed to a barbecue, I'd sharp get bored with you. And I'm not saying that to be mean, but because of differing experiences I've had with guys of whom some were on the same intellectual wavelength and others were not. My longer term relationships were with fairly intelligent guys. The rest had bored me senseless, even if they had been good in bed.

[returnofthezro]

i dont really see the problem here, i would say you would have to get really lucky to find someone you like spending 100% of your time with

i mean, to put it bluntly, you are not the first guy to wish that their girl would shut up so you can veg out and watch some TV and you wont be the last

i think you are over thinking this, surely there are some things that you dont like her and i am sure there are things she doesnt like about you, but can you tolerate/ignore them? i am sure that some of the married people here will tell you, that they dont like everything their partner does, but they still make it work, my advice for what its worth, is roll with it, if you guys really are that far apart in compatibility (to be honest, from the posts you guys do seem compatible), it will show soon enough and it will be over

for now enjoy the action, keep doing the webcam thing and see where it takes you, you never know

[mattyt123321]

xxazurexx

xxazurexx - thank you for your response again. Yes - I do have a fantastic sense of humour (if I do say so myself lol).

I'm more than capable of holding an intelligent conversation and I'm educated to degree level, still study in my spare time, so it's not really a case of a huge difference intelligence - more a lack of historical knowledge on my part that on rare occasions (2-3 times in 3 months) has caused visible, yet very short lived frustration. Surely a mutual willingness to spend our time in a manner that equally takes into account both of our interests is the key?

"intellectually is the main connection that you need and for it to last" - I did mention that we spend HOURS and HOURS talking...

returnofthezro

Thank you... in all honesty, EXACTLY what I was hoping to hear... I should role with it, take it slow and see where it goes. Yes - I probably am over evaluating this... she's pretty crazy about me / I feel the same about her - we should just see how we get on and allow for our differences as as you point out - no two partners are 100% compatible.

[xxazurexx]

One thing to be able to hold an intelligent conversation, another to actually want to participate. Your disinterest in what she has to say, will shine through eventually.

If you get tired of her talking now, which incidently is what women do so you best get used to it, how do you suppose you will get through the next few years having to listen to her talk?

Good luck anyway.

[Gigabitch]

I'm sure you know plenty of things she is clueless about, so you'll have your turn being frustrated.

This can work if you don't live together. You're not at that point right now anyway. Date for a while before determining if you're wasting each other's time. It wouldn't be the first time two very different people managed to make a life together.