spineless - vs- cautious

[matty007]

I was just wondering what others might think: My husband talked his ex-wife into allowing their son (14 yr old) to come and live with us this past year. The son is now with the ex- for the summer. My husband refuses to ask his ex-wife to help out with child support. I believe it�s because he initially told her not to worry about sending any money; but that was without my knowledge or consent. He now claims he is worried she will say his son can just stay with her if she has to pay. I think it's just an excuse he is using to not approach the subject with her. It's been almost a year and he is well aware that I am more than not ok with her not doing her part to help support their child. I am livid that there is a double standard because a few years ago I had issues with my ex-husband sending child support on a regular basis and my current husband demanded I stay on the issue and hold my ex- accountable. But when I explain that I am reacting no differently to him than he did with me, there seems to be a problem. I�ve told him I can�t get him by the balls because his ex- still has a death grip on them! Am I wrong for being persistent on the issue of his ex- paying child support??

[xxazurexx]

If she is financially able to support him, then I don't see why she can't and doesn't.

But then if your partner told her it didn't matter, well she won't see a problem, will she?

[Mish]

I don't have children so I'm not qualified to answer this. I would like to see other members who have children to comment.

Though I'd like to ask, has he been paying child support while the child was living with his ex? Are there any court rulings that prevent his child living with him if his ex decides against the idea because she doesn't want to pay for child support?

[QueenofCorona]

If he's that worried about her calling the shots on who pays/gets to pick the living arrangments maybe its time to get the courts involved and get something set in stone.

Its weird that he's having a double standard over this also. I think that would piss me off more than anything.

[matty007]

@mishanya-My husband paid child support faithfully when his son was with his ex-.
@ Queenof corona-yeah, the double standard is what gets me the most along with his passiveness, its sickening. I have suggested going back to the courts because his son is old enough to pick where he wants to live, but because that involves confronting or going against his ex- I doubt that would happen . And I may have been heartless for saying it, but I told him if she makes the son remain with her and he does not go through the courts he deserves every bit of heartache be gets from that decision.

[vashti]

Trust me on this.... I have a LOT of experience with this kind of stuff.

You can be right, or you can be loved. Not both, when it comes to step family issues. Your husband isn't interested in getting support for this child, probably because you don't need it. Don't be so eager to beat the war drum. Ultimately, you may win the battle, but lose the war.

[returnofthezro]

while i agree with vashti, its not for the same reason tho, i really do think its none of your business - we are talking about his son, surely he is in a better position to deal with the situation, seems to me that instead of being supportive - you are making life harder than it has to be, fair or not, thats the way it sounds

[matty007]

...I do appreciate the ideas or comments, but how can it not be any of my business, yes it is his son that I am helping to raise and also support, if I have to hear my husband complain about being broke because of the extra expenses now, He cries broke every month but won’t open his mouth to his ex- to help support their child. so no we can not afford for him to not ask his ex- to help support their child. My husband is in the military and believe me I go above and beyond to support him, but for me to not insist that he at least ask his ex- to help out , that could include buying clothes or sending her son money directly every now and again. in my opinion not insisting would support him in being passive and walked over. The problem is not even so much as her, it’s him, he’s acts like he’s intimidated by her. The problem is I think he is still too concerned with her feelings and keeping the peace with her and not making her upset. Well if asking someone to do the right thing upsets them, then so be it! If she can afford to get a boob job, she can afford to support her child. He gave her permission to be a deadbeat and all I ask is that he correct that by letting her know it is not ok for her not to help support her child. That’s all I ask of him and if she chooses not to help out after that conversation, then so be it.

[xxazurexx]

I'm surprised that his ex doesn't just hand over money anyway. She shouldn't have to be told to hand money over and if she can afford it. It's natural instinct to want to give our kids what we can and supply them with everything they may need. If this was my child that went to live with my ex, I'd automatically hand money over and without being told. I care for my kid and want her to have nice things and the best of everything. My kid would also come before a frigging boob job!

[Gigabitch]

Where do you live, matty? I ask because where i live, a 14-year-old gets to choose which parents he wants to live with and the state determines how much child support is appropriate. It's not up to the parents to haggle about.

What is the standing custodial agreement?

[matty007]

She is in Washington state, we are in Missouri and I am sure it’s the same for each of these states

[Gigabitch]

So what's the deal with this divorce? When I got divorced, every tiny detail was on paper and filed with the courts. Do they have shared custody?