Friendship is out of the question?

[amoamo1980]

Okay. I had a friendship that was growing rapidly and becoming as strong as or maybe even stronger than that of my closest friends. But I began to feel more. I wasn't going to act out of fear of losing that incredible friendship, but then she told me she thought she felt something for me. So a couple of days later we decided to get together... it only lasted a couple of weeks. We started arguing literally every time we spoke. So after one massive argument, we decided we couldn't recover our friendship and I made no effort to contact her. The just a couple of weeks later i start getting a text, or a message on msn once or twice a week and I think maybe this is my chance to recover that friendship. But then after a week of almost being how we used to be (as friends!) she just goes distant. She answers my texts or messages with one word answers and doesn't make an effort to start conversation. Apparently now that I've tried my best to get to the bottom of it... and I have been told she just had a lot on her mind... but she acted fine with other people. And when I ask if I have done something wrong and I just get 'No' and thats it... naturally I assume I HAVE in fact done something wrong. I go behind her back and try to ask one of her friends if I have done anything wrong out of sheer desperation to get my friend back. She finds out, gets annoyed with me for going behind her back. We haven't spoken in over a week.

I really want my best friend back but I can't take the hurt of all this messing about. She has a new boyfriend and I am fine with it, really. I'm happy for her. I still feel something for her, but all I care about is that we stay friends. I really do miss her... what can I do?

[xxazurexx]

How can you be friends with someone who obviously doesn't want to be friends and hardly communicates.

It is also a bad idea and to be friends with someone you have feelings for.

She has a new guy, he is likely to be recieving all of her attention now.

[amoamo1980]

Like I said, I feel something, but I always will I think. The difference now is I don't WANT anything more. I haven't for a long time now.

I don't know how I can, but thats why I'm here. We would talk for literally 3 or 4 hours, 5 or 6 nights a week. That was before we even considered getting together. I was there for her through so much. We got on so well. I just miss HER. Not the relationship. HER.

[xxazurexx]

Unless she wants the friendship back, there is little you can do about it. It takes 'two' to make a friendship work and you tried to make it work again, put forth all the effort, she didn't.... and it didn't happen.

So what other option do you have now? Other than to go and beg you need and want her friendship.....are you willing to do that?

[amoamo1980]

I'm scared that if I beg she will think I want something more than friendship. I honestly don't, and even if I didn't I wouldn't act on it because I'm scared of losing her and scared of arguing like we did before. I just don't understand why she won't try.

[xxazurexx]

Maybe and because a relationship didn't work between you two, it hurts her to remain your friend.

I think that she has tried and to go back to the friendship with you and she has tried to make it work once more, which would explain why she would be ok for a while. But she found that she couldn't continue on in this friendship. That could be because she still has feelings and it hurts her to continue on in this friendship....hence would explain her distancing and withdrawing. I can fully understand and why she would withdraw. Some people cannot do friends and when there are feelings...and especially if they tried a relationship and it failed.

[amoamo1980]

So is there nothing I can do? What if she comes to me again like she did before?

[xxazurexx]

If you are that desperate to be her friend, you could try mailing and tell her that you miss the friendship and make it clear to her that a friendship is all you want.

Don't be surprised if she refuses your friendship though and after you make it clear this is all you want and because if she still has feelings for you, she will likely still be looking for more than friends - so a friendship may be out of the question.

If she comes back, again you are best off stressing that all you'd like is friends. That then gives her no false hope of anything more.

[amoamo1980]

I have already done all of this though. I am pretty sure she does not want to be more than friends. And I have stressed the fact that I don't want anything more many times and I think she gets the point (well at least, she says she does).

[xxazurexx]

Well then she obviously just does not want you in her life anymore. That is something you will have to learn to accept.

You can't force someone to be your friend. Let go and move on.

[amoamo1980]

I thought you might say that. Its hard though

[xxazurexx]

Yeah I know, I've been in that situation with a guy.

We were friends first, tried a relationship, had a major fall out and we ended up as friends. Months passed and I couldn't be friends any longer, too many feelings on my part and I was always wanting more - but he was just wanting friends. He tried desperately to hang onto the friendship and all ways to keep it, but I couldn't do it, so I had to let him go. Hardest f**king thing I had to do, but I had to think of me, not him.

[amoamo1980]

Thanks for the help. What hurts most is I promised I wouldn't let a relationship come between us. That was one of the first things I said when we got together. And now it ****ing has!

[xxazurexx]

I guess this is what can happen and when you take it to the next level - it fails and you lose the great friendship also.

I miss him and a lot, but there is no going back. Like you and your friend, we had a great friendship, would chat for hours and hours and were totally on the same wavelength. I tried zillions of times to think of him as a 'friend' only and I wish I could have and to keep the friendship, but I couldn't and it just wasn't working for me. Maybe that is why I'd assumed it was the same for your friend and that she may have feelings and this was why she couldn't do friends or resented being your friend, so would start to distance...I did all that with him. Even though she may give off an impression that she only wants friends, she could be fooling herself and she knows she is fooling herself. And just because you are saying you only want friends, won't stop her from wanting more and if feelings are there....

If you are sure she wants nothing more though, no harm in reaching out and trying again. But if she ignores you, you are gonna have to resign yourself to the fact that it's over.

[amoamo1980]

Thank you so much and I'm so sorry to hear about your problem, obviously I know how you feel (kinda) and it sucks. I just know that if she starts to make contact again it will all repeat itself and i'll get hurt again.

Would it be stupid to think that she has distanced herself to stop those feelings redeveloping? Scared that she might end up feeling more again?

Tbh i don't think she ever was in love with me, but I'm pretty sure she felt SOMETHING more than friendship.