Break up recovery

[kingkong]

ok, so i dont know how to tell the story without making him sound like a cheating bastard and im the stupid bitch who got lied to the face. I posted another post a month ago but but here it goes for those who didnt know the background:

Nearly 5 months ago, due to work problem, the headquarter sent a person to our branch to supervise us for a month and that's how i meet him. According to him, the first moment seeing me among the other ppl in the office greeting him on his first day here, his heart moved. Even though he's 35 , he always act young, happy and energetic. Everyone in the office like him.

I, on the other hand, didnt care about him at first, i'd just broke up with my ex-bf for a few weeks or so. I wasnt looking for anybody. Just minding my own business.

However, after breaking up with my 4 years long ex-bf, I found myself in the dilemma that everbody experience after a break up and after such a long term relationship, i found myself having no friend to help me to get over the situation (im living abroad for 4 years. My family isnt here). Thus when he asked me to take him to a tourist place (since he'd just arrived here), i didnt refuse it (i asked another girl in the office to go with us but she was busy).The day ended nicely as one might guess, he offered to take me home and we talked hours in front of my place.

I enjoined the conversation and knowing his intentions, i tried to push him into friend zone but he always have way to prevent it from happening and always sweet and caring. He never did anything too forward but of course, the intention is still clear (mostly due to the fact i never took it too seriously).

So every weekend he would ask me to go places and never once i rejected it (just need a reason to get out of the sad room). For the 1st month he was here, we saw each other everyday, at work and in weekends. Oh, btw, did i mentioned he has a gf in his home town? I saw that on his facebook. That's also something make me think we would become friends and felt comfortable with this.

And then a few days before he went back, i saw his facebook and saw some old text "i love *his gf name" and i was jealous . He noticed but didnt know why. Only after we all went home, he asked and i told him via msn because of that. He took cab to my place at 11pm and told me he likes me and he was sorry. The day later, is the day he went back his country. End chap 1.

Maybe due to his pursue, the company agreed to send him here for another month. He came again (still an attached man). i never once asked him to break up with his ex, i think we arent going to work out because of the distance, because half the reason i like him because i was just out of a relationship. After a while, i decided that as long as im aware of this fact, i want to continue and see how this thing end (out of curiosity). Of course he isnt a really good person (cheating) so if i hurt him because i hangout with him without real liking, he deserves it. I feel sorry for his gf and know this is wrong but as i said... And we got closer and closer, hugging, kissing, mostly everything except sex.

He has lots of experiences due to age. I have never felt physically attracted to by ex bf but he does make me feel very very different. He had a relationship in the past lasted for 12 years (they was living together) and she broke up with him for another guy. The current relationship lasted 2 years. And because of the previous relationship, he became quite selfish, being with me and when ever i ask about our situation, he says "dont talk about her, im afraid u wont be happy" and told me the truth that he need to think a lot, quitting his job, his family, friends, his country...

In general: he wants to let this thing go on and will decide when he needs too. I let it goes cause i need time to think too and we dont have sex anyway (not that he didnt asked for it or try to push for it from time to time). Time goes and i feel more and more for him. He said he loves me in the middle of the 2nd month he was here.

This time, even though his 3rd trip back here is scheduled, the company has some work for him in the headquarter so the 3rd trip is canceled. Now, you guys arent going to like what happen next but in this time, I asked him to resolve the situation and he still asking for more time (i feel that he is sincerely need more time but u guys decide if it's true )... So i decided to break it off but then i realized i love him so much and i havent told him all i wanted to say and i want to see where he live so i did the unthinkable . Since at the same time, i have to go back my country for my father's 1 year death anniversary, i applied for 1 week leave and after 4 days in my country, i flied to his country (we did talked about this when we're still together).

The plane ticket was expensive, i have to applied for a visa but i did it anyway. He pick me up at the airport. Took a leave day (i came Thursday midmight) while the company is very busy and stay with me for all the time i was in his country. I had a great time there, we travel a lot, I like where he lives. We stay in the hotel together but i still didnt have sex with him. Of course he wasnt happy about it at all. But this trip is all about me. I paid for it, financially and put effort to went there not to have sex with him but just to see him for the last time.... All in all, i did all i wanted to do (i told him i love him) and didnt do anything i would regret it. When the trip ended... I cried for a whole hour on the plane...

And this is where i am, I didnt contact him for more than a month. I love him to death, i could have moved to his country to be with him but no. He couldnt even prove himself to me by breaking up with his gf... I dont understand how he can tell me he loves me, he needs me while still being with his gf, maybe even kiss, touch her...

I understand his fear of losing all he has had, all he can have. I understand his fear if he's going to be happy with me (im 23 years old, 12 years younger). I understand his fear of leaving a place he has lived for 35 years with a great family, friends to be here with me. Im a foreign professional here and I know how hard it is to live abroad. And i cant expect him to do that can I?

After the came back from the trip, my health got worse and worse because of how upset i am. Im trying to go gym everyday and get a little bit better. I'm trying to make friends but having not much successful. I tried to tell myself that i'm going to be ok and i know I'm going to be ok. I took a friend's advice to cry if it hurts too bad (im the kind of person who think crying doesnt solve anything so i dont cry a lot). I tried to concentrate at my work and other things in my life. I found out some of my hidden hobbies and actually spending time on them etc.. I tried to not think about him but the thought of he someday getting married to his gf, having children with her, living his life without me kills me bit by bit

And the thing is, I can ignore the pain as much as I want... I can push it further and further down... and I might feel better... I can live my life as normal... no missing, no hurting. But whenever I think about it, something remind me of it, whenever I dig up the problem, it will still hurt like it's only yesterday. How can people live like this? I will never know.

If he loves me that much, he would be able to give up everything for me and there would be nothing that i cant give up for him. And i promise, i'll love him for the rest of his life... but he cant so i cant either.... No matter what i do, what i think... there is always that hope he would come to me and we will live our lives together..

So my question is: am i on the right path of getting over him? What else can i do? I understand time take time but what else can i do to lessen the pain? What else can i do that I would prevent myself from contacting him ever again...?

[Gigabitch]

You've gone a long way down a self-destructive road and you're all alone in a dark place. Please recognize that any further contact with this man will only make things worse.

I suggest you start dating someone else as soon as possible. You need to start having some nice things happen to you that aren't associated with this guy.