In love with the wrong man.

[locket83]

Hi all, I'm in a difficult situation and I'm looking for advice. My partner and I live together and have a 12 month old daughter. We'd only been seeing each other for a short while when I found out I was pregnant. Termination was never on the cards for me, and my partner fully supported my decision to keep the baby. Our relationship was a casual one when we first got together, but throughout the pregnancy he supported me, and I started to think we could have a real future together. Soon after the birth, my partner proposed. I was really happy as now I felt we could become a real family. But since then, I don't know why, but I've become more and more aware that we have nothing in common. I'm supposed to be planning our wedding, but I just can't muster any enthusiasm. I feel awful and wish I could get excited about it, but the truth is I don't think he's the one for me. We love each other, but we're not at all in love. We have very little in common and don't enjoy the same passtimes.

To make things worse, an old flame recently got back in contact. A few years ago I was in love with this man, but he wasn't in a situation where he could commit himself to me. He's since said letting me go was the biggest mistake he's ever made. Now we've discovered we live very close to each other and have been meeting up as friends. The last time we met up (yesterday), we acknowledged that there are very strong feelings between us. He knows my situation, even that I'm having serious doubts about the wedding (in fact, he's the only one I've told). He has told me he's in love with me and believes we belong together. My feelings for him are unlike anything I've felt for anyone, including my fiance. I'm so drawn to this man that all I want to do is be with him all the time. I think about him constantly. As I mentioned before, he's aware of my situation and said if I decide to leave my fiance he'll be there to support me and my daughter. He's very sincere and I believe he'd look after us.

I'm not looking for permission to have an affair, and I wouldn't want to start anything with this man while I was still with my fiance. But I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. As a stay at home mum I'm dependent on benefits, so I have no savings I could use to move out of our home. It's not only the financial aspect I'm worrying about. More importantly, we have a daughter together. She's only a baby, but how do I do right by her? Am I being selfish breaking up our family? Or am I stupid to marry someone I'm not in love with, just because we have a child together? I want to do the right thing but I don't know what that is. I really need help and advice. Thanks for reading this.

[xxazurexx]

I personally wouldn't marry a man I didn't love, whether there was a child involved or not. Life is too short and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my days living in pretence, with the regret and being miserable.

Rather than be planning a wedding, I'd have to sit him down and tell him of my feelings.

[vashti]

You should get rid of the old flame. Your daughter will be 1000x better off with her own father in the picture, assuming he isn't a drinker, a drug addict, an abuser, or a serial cheater. Your ex coming back into the picture has just clouded your good judgement, and it is very selfish of him (and you) to consider disrupting your daughter's stable home life.

Also, I don't think you should marry your baby daddy at this point. You should wait until you can do it with a whole heart.

[asdfg789]

I agree with Vash on this. You are just being distracted by your ex.

If he really loves you, he will see that it is better off that you marry your baby's daddy and should have backed off.

[LailaK]

You're a mom. You should think more about your daughter and less about yourself.

If that is an unpalatable idea to you, you should have never become a mom.

[locket83]

Haha, there's not much advice in your answers is there?

"you should have never become a mom"

lol

[oneandonly]

I agree that she needs to think more about her daughter and less about herself. I am also pretty certain that she does actually think more about her daughter in every aspect of her life except in this predicament.

Is it really a right thing to do to spend the next whatever long period of time with someone you feel absolutely miserable just for the sake of your daughter though? I don't know. My best friend went through a painful divorce. There was a time that, on her way home driving, stopping at the traffic, tears just rolled out of her eyes, thinking how her decision would affect her daughter. That broke my heart. You know, the pains she must have gone through.... I love her daughter to bits but I must admit my friend's happiness comes first to me. I fully supported her. I would really hate it if she chose to spend the rest of her life as miserably as she was just for the sake of her daughter.

My friend's hubby was absolutely controlling and made her life unbearable. She was deeply unhappy. They now got back together though after a few years' divorce, which taught her hubby a pretty good lesson and he really needed one!

So, are you actually miserable and unhappy in your current relationship? If your partner is not alcoholic, womaniser or an addict, isn't it a matter of making more of an effort to keep the relationship going strong?

I don't know what's the huge difference between 'you love someone' and 'you are in love with someone'. Well, I know what it is but is it such a bad thing that you are with someone you love but not in love?

As a couple grow old together, don't they all become more 'they love each other' than 'they are always in love with each other?'

[LailaK]

Haha, there's not much advice in your answers is there?

"you should have never become a mom"

lol

I'm sorry that part of my post was so distracting for you. The advice is clear: Think more about your daughter than yourself.

If you do this, you will net out great because you'll be doing what's best for your kid.

[findingaway]

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this! I feel for you.

I think deep down you know what you want to do. Is it what your 'supposed to do?' - by who's rules? Society? Even that is a tenious link as some cultures would have you stay together forever, happy or not and other cultures would encourage you to pursue your happiness.

So, some questions that might help you along the way. Some are quite tough.

Do you think your daughter would have the best chances in life (happiness, career etc) if you were in a position where you are happy and not pretending to be happy or forcing yourself to do something your gut clearly isn't?

As a role model to your daughter, if she were in the same position years from now - what advice would you give her? And would you feel happy if she took the same course as you (either staying where you are or leaving because you are not happy)?

Do you think there is anything preventing you from being happy with your partner that Counselling may help with?

If the new guy wasn't in the equation and you continued to be unhappy, would you still stay?

Are you being fair on your partner by staying in the long term?

Good luck

[asdfg789]

^^

this thread is 10 months old

[findingaway]

So it is. I wonder what she decided...