My girlfriend dumped me abruptly..

[chiknfingaz]

Hi everyone,

I am currently getting ready to enter my junior year of college. I met my ex as a junior in high school - we had an instant attraction, but I was a really timid kid and she was an outgoing party animal. Over the next 2 years we became very close friends - close enough that I was her shoulder oftentimes, be it about her family, boyfriends at the time, whatever. She made choices that shocked me as far as partying, but I had feelings for her nonetheless.

Near the end of our senior year, while she still had a boyfriend, she would come to my house and wrestle me. It was all flirty, but I was the timid boy who never thought girls looked at me. I could still tell something was up, but was scared that she was still with the boy. So I stopped talking to her. That lasted almost a month, until one day I decided to re initiate contact and she had dumped the boy. We almost immediately told each other about our feelings, and haven't looked back since then. (March 08)

We have been going to community college together for 2 years. We did everything together - hung out, went to school, worked at the same place, etc. It all seemed so amazing. Like I said, she used to be a big party girl... cigs, drinking, weed, etc. We had some adjustments to do in the first month - prom night she tried to drink, I got upset. 4/20 she smoked some weed, I got upset. She also quit cigs but of her own accord. So basically for 2 years she stopped partying - but she acted like it was ok. We always had fights about her drinking, and how I didn't like the idea. Looking back, I know it was foolish of me to try and stop her. She even agreed to wait until she was 21 (which will be in September) and I said ok. We always talked about going through school, getting married, our kid's name, our dog, our house, etc. Everyone would say that the only thing she ever talked about was me.

Everything seemed great this summer - just anticipating our move to 4 year school in about a month. I honestly didn't notice any signs until a day before we broke up. Her stomach had hurt all week, and on a Wednesday she went to the doctor and he said she had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, from stress. The next day, she was acting strange and I pressed her about what was wrong. She left my house crying, and texted me that she loved the idea of being married to me when we're 40, but my handle was too tight and she didn't want to miss out on being 20. This came as a shock - I knew she wanted to be out there, and I had let her know that it would be that way when we went to uni, but I didn't know it was gonna be a huge break up like this. I've only seen her a handful of times (at work, school) and only gotten to have real talks with her twice (two days later on the phone, one week later at school) and she seems convinced that she wants it to be over. But there is no anger, and she even admitted that she wasn't anywhere near over me at that point. I feel like she still cares about me, but is stress about her family, her school, and how we were gonna function and decided to bail. I have her a promise ring back in March saying that I loved her and promised to make any changes necessary as we went to college and beyond. I thought she understood.


So here we are, two weeks later, and not speaking. We haven't had any fights, and I don't try to contact her anymore.. I did make the mistake of trying to call her at 1 AM last wednesday, and she said that I "really need to give her space", need to stop trying to contact her, and that she'd "call me when she's ready." I'm not sure if that means ready to get her stuff back, ready to have some kind of talk, or what. I am honestly hoping that she just wants to get her wild phase out and then talk about things. But the things she said when we broke up were pretty strong. She said I should move on, she doesn't want me to wait, that she doesn't think we're getting back together, that it wouldn't work, that I am trying too little too late, etc. I would gladly hold out and have her see what she's missing, and form a new relationship correcting those past mistakes. But I don't know where its heading. I've been reflecting on ways to win back ex's, etc, and generally it seems like I should just give her space. Which I'm trying. There is just so much uncertainty and scariness. She has closed herself off from everyone we knew... the only things I've heard is that she didn't want me to think I had a chance, and that she told someone her and I had a great relationship. I understand a crisis of faith, or a freakout, but she sounds so damn convinced that this is how it needs to be.. but our relationship was normal even days before. We were still sexually active the week before.


some more notes... I know she's mostly been off hanging out with her friends from her high school days... doing some drinking, god knows what else. she hasn't talked to anyone about me at all, save for some comments here and there. I also wrote her a letter, nothing mushy, saying I was sorry for how she had been feeling and that I had boxed her in, and asking for forgiveness.


I dunno what I'm looking for here, I'm sure the obvious answer is to just move on. I would gladly wait for her, I'm not trying to force things with her anymore and am letting her have space (hard considering we see each other 2-3 times a week at work and school.)

She hasn't given the promise ring back yet, but she did say that she wants to when we spoke a week ago.

I really just want to know if anyone's heard of something like this before, and if its worth waiting out. She has always been somewhat impulsive and I feel somewhat confident that she will realize her mistake eventually..

[merdene]

Waiting is the worst thing to do. You will only hurt yourself man, it's better to move on. But it will be very hard. But you have no other way around.

[chiknfingaz]

I know waiting isn't the best idea.. but I feel at a loss otherwise. Obviously, I miss her. but I have so many unanswered questions. I feel like she cut it off after being scared, and is surrounding herself with people who don't care about the situation, and drinking away her sorrows. I'm afraid she'll do this until she forgets about me.


I mean she's got to snap out of this eventually...



Also, I'm going to university in the 3rd week of August. I have been trying to reconnect with friends and so on, but I feel like at least have this month I should wait it out for her.


It makes it harder because we're going to the same college. I hope to GOD I have this figured out one way or the other.


Thanks for your reply.

[merdene]

I have the same problem myself. I couldn't find good solution for it either. My gf studies in Russia and we broke up almost 6 months ago. Now she is here but I can't meet her. It hurts so bad that even though we are so close, she is so far away. I can't talk to her, even I try to call or text her. She would just ignore it. It kills me. I decided not to wait for her but somewhere deep down I wait for her I want her to come to me. But I know that's not gonna happen. Until you find someone you truly love again you will miss her. Trying to contact her will do no good for you. You will just hurt yourself coz I've been hurting myself.

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like you made it pretty clear that her behavior (partying and whatnot) were a set of dealbreakers (behavior you would not put with him from any girlfriend) for you. I suppose she didn't feel that she had any other alternative and assumed that if she continued her partying ways that you would break up with her anyway.

[chiknfingaz]

That sounds about right. When we broke up I tried telling her it'd be OK and I wouldn't freak out anymore. She probably thought I was lying. Is it worth trying again after we've had this time off? Honestly it took more out of me to try and stop her then it would have to just support her.

[chiknfingaz]

Ok, I have an update. I found out from a mutual friend at work that my ex was mostly scared by the promise ring. This puzzled me, because she had it for almost 4 months before dumping me. But it makes sense. Thinking I could use this knowledge and talk some sense into my ex, I texted her asking to talk. She said she has nothing to say. I asked if she's listen to me. She said she doesn't want to hear it. I said alright, I just don't understand. I asked if she hated me. She never responded. I got upset after an hour so I texted her and said I get it, I'm just going to drop your stuff off at your house and you don't have to worry about hearing from me again. Throw the ring away, it has ruined enough already.

And that was it. She never responded. She is being a real bitch and I don't get it. The breakup is one thing... but I asked if she hated me and she didn't respond. She is so ****ing weird.


So I left the stuff on her porch. I wrote a note that was more raw emotionally than anything I've said to her since the breakup. Nothing mean, I just put stuff like if the ring was the problem, we could have slowed things down, and that she is surrounded by people that don't care for her and I did, so I don't get why I am thrown away. But most importantly I said goodbye. And I mean it. If she were to contact me, I dunno if I would respond. But I am not gonna try to talk to her anymore. Not even the warm "hello's" I've been giving her at work/school.

[IncognitoSir]

Dont worry too much bro. She chose a very imarture method of handeling things. true enough you guys probably could of talked your way through it, but she's not there yet. Communication breakdown is what happened and I know how it feels to be left with so many questions. Use these next few weeks to get back into the single life. School is about to start and you're in college! Go have the time of your life!

[girl68]

I don't think she's being a bitch. I think you have learned your lesson though needy guys are worse than needy girls. You were the needy, 'controlling' guy. She wanted freedom and while you seem like a great guy- you were also too homely and tame for her liking. She was right when she broke up with you to experience life in her 20's (without a bf). Unforuntately for you that leaves you broken hearted. No contact is the very best thing for you and with time these feelings of anger and hate will slowly (but surely) vanish. Other girls will come by in due time.

And even though she didn't respond- I know she doesn't hate you. But just leave it how it was left.

[chiknfingaz]

Thanks guys. I don't really have any other choice to move on now.

Girl68, I know I was harsh in calling her a bitch. I just hate how this all broke down. I hate that after 2.5 years of good communication, something big came along and she got cold feet. I guess that's a shitty reason to resent a person but it hurts. It hurts that she told me being tame was ok for so long. And it hurts that this happened right as I was ready to loosen up and try new things with her, ie going to parties and so on. And it hurts that, even if she is just hiding it, she acts like this hasn't bothered her at all. Its strange, I hear she hasn't really gone out much at all since the breakup.


But it is what it is. I just have to move on. I've been trying to stay busy by looking at dating sites, etc.. not really with a goal in mind, just to see what's out there.

[girl68]

Know that the breakup isn't always easy as pie for the dumper. She's likely hurting too, a little depressed and needing some time alone. That explains her lack of partying and closing out on her friends (you included- obviously).

Yeah her bad was not communicating her unhappiness earlier- and I hope she learned about herself. That NOT partying isn't really her style no matter what the guy is like (I'm the same). Sometimes it takes a little growing up to learn these things by mistake albeit.

You don't have much to worry about. With time your pain will fade... and one day you will find another lady... until then call up your friends, you need them now.

[chiknfingaz]

Yeah I'm doing better by the day. Yesterday, giving her shit back, was a big step for me. I still, in the back of my mind, hope that she realizes we could make it work, and calls me. Does that ever happen? I think I'm just living in fantasyland.

[girl68]

It does but I want you to keep telling yourself that it won't, only because I don't think it will in your case. You're too young for this and she realizes that. In time you will too. You'll need and want to eventually experience the same things she is/ or was.

[chiknfingaz]

Being social.. sure.. don't see the appeal in partying. I want to get a start on building a good relationship now rather than later. She always told me she would too. I am just a confused lil dude!

[girl68]

Live your youth. Once you're 'old' you will almost positively regret not 'partying'. You do realize it doesn't have to be beer kegs and wet t-shirts to be a party right? You can just go to a club on your buddy's bday and have a few drinks or to a house party and just chill.