girlfriend cheated while we were living apart, now back together but I can't forget

[mxz174]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 10 years now. We moved in together about 7 years ago and got engaged sometime after that. 2 years ago she decided to move away for grad school. I didn't like the place she picked and was reluctant to move. At the time I couldn't find anything anywhere else better for my studies anyway, so I said I would follow her and move with her. Well, just before she moved I got a great offer somewhere else where I already had lots of family and friends. She was completely crushed when I told her I had changed my mind and was not moving with her.

We entered into a long distance relationship and stayed together for about a year that way, living literally thousands of miles apart. The entire time she told me that she was upset, lonely, and depressed and that this relationship was not working for her and it would not last. I kept asking her what she specifically meant (would she break up with me, what), but she never really answered. Then last summer she come back to visit and told me she had cheated on me.

Of course she was sad, she wouldn't stop crying that whole night. At first I was shocked, that didn't seem at all like her. She was always a very smart and kind person and also very honest, it took me by surprise. The next day I was filled with anger and told her that I didn't ever want to see her again. But she cried more and just asked to spend some final time together during her trip and I said OK. For that entire trip we spent a lot of time together and I started to realize how much I really loved her and how much she meant to me. I did also start to think back to how I handled the move and realized I was a jerk for pushing her into a long distance relationship and not listening to her telling me she was not OK with it all the while.

I felt sad, but helpless to what had happened. I remember telling her right before she left as she gave me my ring back that I loved her more than anything in the world and I was so sorry for the way things turned out. She left and at first I felt OK and at peace with it. But then in a few weeks something came over me and I started to get desperate for what I had lost. So I called her up, convinced her to let me come visit, and when I arrived I told her if she still wanted me that I would leave my life behind now and go move in with her. She accepted and I moved, leaving all my friends and family behind in a rather epic turn of events.

That was almost a year ago now. Things quickly got back to normal for us. She was happy again and I was too for the most part. But then just a few weeks after moving here I had some kind of breakdown, I don't really remember what was the trigger but I got very depressed and found myself crying uncontrollably at times when the thought of her sleeping with someone else crossed my mind. It might sound a little funny but the image of her screwing some dude while still wearing my ring just turned me into a basket case. I couldn't understand how she could do this, regardless of anything I had done.

I talked to her a lot about it back then and it just made her sad. She asked what she could do to make it up to me, but there really isn't anything she could. Then she got all scared that even after all this I was going to leave her and it got a bit tense and messy. I was eventually able to calm down and suppress those thoughts and things went back to normal.

I actually suffered a pretty serious near death injury sometime after that and issues in my life switched focus. She was there for me the whole time and I felt a better connection with her and like things were going to be great again, like I could finally trust her again and feel happy with her.

Then for no apparent reason a few days ago I had a dream. A dream in which she told me she had cheated again and that it was the best sex of her life, that she realized that she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that if I tried to stay with her she'd just keep cheating on me. Now this WAS a dream, I remember waking up and looking at her next to me and realizing she would never say those things, and I very much doubt she ever felt that way. But still, that dream kept haunting me and I've felt depressed and lonely ever since...

If you've been cheated on but want to stay with the cheater, even if you find yourself trusting them again and being happy with them, do those negative feelings keep coming back? For my own sanity I don't know how long I can stay in this relationship if these feelings and memories keep coming up... the last few days I've been a total wreck and I'm just hoping it gets better... my girlfriend has noticed I've been distant the last few days and has asked me about it. But I'm reluctant to tell her about the dream and my depression because I know in the end all it will do is make her feel sad, and I don't want that.

There isn't anything at this point she can do to take those things back. I really want this relationship to work, she is still the most important thing in the world to me, but sometimes I just think I'm delaying the inevitable...

[kitkitkitty]

tbh i don't know what would be the best thing to do as a whole. but i say that you do have to talk to someone about your dream...maybe a close friend? her if you want to but this is obviously a huge deal and you can't keep something like that to yourself, it'll eat you up even more. the last thing you need is this secret dream of yours haunting you whilst you're trying to sort something else out.

[Gigabitch]

Tell her about the dream. To rebuild trust, you both have to be honest. Think of it as a deep wound. You have to keep it clean and it takes a LONG time to heal.

If she really cares, she'll be willing to do whatever it takes to get through this with you, including talk about it over and over again until you're done. Just make sure that you don't make some kind of ritual of your pain. You don't want to feel like this forever. You WANT to put this behind you. You're just not there yet.

[hello1]

It is pretty bad you did not follow her when she moved, instead choosing your friends/family over her. As I'm sure you properly know you made her feel lonely and very rejected. Of course this is still not excuse for her cheating! Your going to have to keep talking to her about this, about how your feeling. If the pain does not go away maybe you should end the relationship.

[mxz174]

It is pretty bad you did not follow her when she moved, instead choosing your friends/family over her. As I'm sure you properly know you made her feel lonely and very rejected. Of course this is still not excuse for her cheating! Your going to have to keep talking to her about this, about how your feeling. If the pain does not go away maybe you should end the relationship.

True, I often think about this. I don't it was crazy to choose my friends, family and career over her in moving. Looking back I messed up bad by telling her I would move, but she knew all along that I absolutely did not want to move where she did... so in a way she chose then to disregard what I wanted... but that's besides the point.... I am certainly the fool, not for choosing my own life, but for then after my relationship as already "destroyed" giving all that up anyway. So anyway you look I'm the idiot here for not knowing what I want...

I know she felt terrible while I was gone and we talked a lot about it. But when I finally moved here it was like that was erased, she's been nothing but happy since I showed up (which makes sense). I often get spurts of extreme joy too in knowing that I'm back with the woman I always loved most and that she took me back even after all this mess.

But then from time to time I get to thinking, or like this dream comes up and I feel a powerful sense of despair. It's irrational I think at this point, but I can't fight it and even acknowledging it seems to make it worse... I donno what to do really...

[girl68]

Can you not seek out counselling?

[IncognitoSir]

Tell her about the dream. To rebuild trust, you both have to be honest. Think of it as a deep wound. You have to keep it clean and it takes a LONG time to heal.

If she really cares, she'll be willing to do whatever it takes to get through this with you, including talk about it over and over again until you're done. Just make sure that you don't make some kind of ritual of your pain. You don't want to feel like this forever. You WANT to put this behind you. You're just not there yet.

And DO NOT supress these feelings. Thats why you keep getting these triggers that throw you into these weird depressions. Personally I would of left herbecause of exactly what you're going through now. If you're anything like me, I could never get passed someone cheating on me, its a dealbreaker, everytime. I see you've invested A LOT of time though so I do encourage you to pursue this but do be careful and mindful of hoe she reactes to you. Afterall, she is the reason for you doubts and she needs to play her part in helping you get through this. G'luck!

[AustinGuy]

Our minds make things worse than they are. You imagine her being with someone else, but you make it as terrible as you possibly can. When, in reality, it was nothing like that. She was lost and confused and she thought that was the answer at the time. From what you've said, I would guess she regrets it deeply and doesn't think about it in any positive context. Meanwhile, you try and replay the scene in your mind in vivid color. It's a created fantasy. If you find yourself thinking about it (and you can't shake it), start picturing it in black and white. Imagine the guy having trouble getting it up or lasting 30 seconds. If you are going to create a fantasy, you might as well make him look bad. She's back with you and that says something. You are what she wants. Don't ruin it by being hung up on something you can't change. We are human and we make mistakes.

[Teddy057]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 10 years now. We moved in together about 7 years ago and got engaged sometime after that. 2 years ago she decided to move away for grad school. I didn't like the place she picked and was reluctant to move. At the time I couldn't find anything anywhere else better for my studies anyway, so I said I would follow her and move with her. Well, just before she moved I got a great offer somewhere else where I already had lots of family and friends. She was completely crushed when I told her I had changed my mind and was not moving with her.

We entered into a long distance relationship and stayed together for about a year that way, living literally thousands of miles apart. The entire time she told me that she was upset, lonely, and depressed and that this relationship was not working for her and it would not last. I kept asking her what she specifically meant (would she break up with me, what), but she never really answered. Then last summer she come back to visit and told me she had cheated on me.

Of course she was sad, she wouldn't stop crying that whole night. At first I was shocked, that didn't seem at all like her. She was always a very smart and kind person and also very honest, it took me by surprise. The next day I was filled with anger and told her that I didn't ever want to see her again. But she cried more and just asked to spend some final time together during her trip and I said OK. For that entire trip we spent a lot of time together and I started to realize how much I really loved her and how much she meant to me. I did also start to think back to how I handled the move and realized I was a jerk for pushing her into a long distance relationship and not listening to her telling me she was not OK with it all the while.

I felt sad, but helpless to what had happened. I remember telling her right before she left as she gave me my ring back that I loved her more than anything in the world and I was so sorry for the way things turned out. She left and at first I felt OK and at peace with it. But then in a few weeks something came over me and I started to get desperate for what I had lost. So I called her up, convinced her to let me come visit, and when I arrived I told her if she still wanted me that I would leave my life behind now and go move in with her. She accepted and I moved, leaving all my friends and family behind in a rather epic turn of events.

That was almost a year ago now. Things quickly got back to normal for us. She was happy again and I was too for the most part. But then just a few weeks after moving here I had some kind of breakdown, I don't really remember what was the trigger but I got very depressed and found myself crying uncontrollably at times when the thought of her sleeping with someone else crossed my mind. It might sound a little funny but the image of her screwing some dude while still wearing my ring just turned me into a basket case. I couldn't understand how she could do this, regardless of anything I had done.

I talked to her a lot about it back then and it just made her sad. She asked what she could do to make it up to me, but there really isn't anything she could. Then she got all scared that even after all this I was going to leave her and it got a bit tense and messy. I was eventually able to calm down and suppress those thoughts and things went back to normal.

I actually suffered a pretty serious near death injury sometime after that and issues in my life switched focus. She was there for me the whole time and I felt a better connection with her and like things were going to be great again, like I could finally trust her again and feel happy with her.

Then for no apparent reason a few days ago I had a dream. A dream in which she told me she had cheated again and that it was the best sex of her life, that she realized that she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that if I tried to stay with her she'd just keep cheating on me. Now this WAS a dream, I remember waking up and looking at her next to me and realizing she would never say those things, and I very much doubt she ever felt that way. But still, that dream kept haunting me and I've felt depressed and lonely ever since...

If you've been cheated on but want to stay with the cheater, even if you find yourself trusting them again and being happy with them, do those negative feelings keep coming back? For my own sanity I don't know how long I can stay in this relationship if these feelings and memories keep coming up... the last few days I've been a total wreck and I'm just hoping it gets better... my girlfriend has noticed I've been distant the last few days and has asked me about it. But I'm reluctant to tell her about the dream and my depression because I know in the end all it will do is make her feel sad, and I don't want that.

There isn't anything at this point she can do to take those things back. I really want this relationship to work, she is still the most important thing in the world to me, but sometimes I just think I'm delaying the inevitable...

It sounds like on the surface, the two of you are extremely happy. I mean, 10 years together must mean a lot, and it would be devastating to say the least if the relationship ended... But, deep down this is eating you alive. There are two ways to get through this, you can talk to her, and by talk I mean literally say everything that's on your mind. It will probably make her feel "sad" but, it's better her be sad then you constantly tormented by dreams and thoughts of her sleeping with another man. The other way is just moving on... But, I don't think you want that, it sounds like you really want this relationship to workout.

On the other hand, no matter how much you talk about her cheating on you, whether it be with us, a counselor, or her, it doesn't change anything. It'll still be in the back of your mind, and I'm not sure if I could live with that. In my book, once trust is broken, you can't ever get it back.