I'm two seconds away from scaring the crap out of my boyfriend

[LailaK]

My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for about 4 or 5 months. We have a lot of fun. We've only had one "fight" and that was more of a serious conversation. Overall we get along very well.

The problem is that I can feel my feelings growing fast for him. Like I said, we have fun. I'm not sure how serious he is about me. Neither of us wants to date anyone else but we never talk about anything serious. We never talk about the future, his family, where this relationship is going. Sometimes I feel like we're friends who are intimate.

When we are together, I feel more comfortable than I ever have with anyone else. The way he touches my hands makes me feel like he cares but I'm not stupid enough to assume he cares about me before he says he does.

Sometimes he is very silent and distant. I think that's just the person he is but it throws me off because he is usually very funny and personable. At times like this I can't help but think that he is thinking about something serious, but he doesn't want to share it with me. It's happened a couple of times when we've gone out to dinner and a couple of times when we've been in the car. Earlier this week I asked him if he wanted to get lunch (we work in the same building) and he said sure. The entire walk down to pick up food, he barely said a word to me. It felt like he didn't want to be there with me. I asked him if anything was wrong and he said he was tired. I asked him if he had plans this weekend and he said that he was going to a friends party. He used to try and make plans with me on weekends but I've noticed that lately I've been the one who has been asking him if he wants to go out.

Mutual friends say I'm reading too much into it. They say he's a quiet laid back guy and I shouldn't freak out. I cannot help the way I feel. I didn't care about his behavior when I wasn't that serious about him. But my feelings continue to grow and I'm worried that I will fall in love with a person who is just dating me to "pass the time".

I've been avoiding talking to him and seeing him for a couple days. We text each other goodnight. I don't think he has any clue how I feel and I'm worried that i'm going to see him and yell "Do you care about me or not? Are we serious or are we just exclusively f*cking!?" I've never yelled at him. I've never been angry or hurt in his presence. I don't want to scare him but I have to know what his feelings about me actually are. If he doesn't care, I want to break up before I start to care anymore about him. My girlfriends say I'm crazy. They say since there's nothing wrong with my relationship I'm making up reasons to break up because I'm scared of falling in love.

I don't think that's the case. I'd like nothing more than to be in love, I just want the man I care about to have the potential to love me back.

[QueenofCorona]

Hmm...I worry sometimes because I am actually a lot like your boyfriend sometimes. I just am sort of a loner at times and have been on my own so long and need my "me" time to recoup. Its nothing personal against my boyfriend but I think sometimes he thinks something is up, that I'm upset or putting up walls. He's always been in relationships and I have always been so independent. I love the crap out of him though. Its just hard sometimes finding that common ground but all the good things you mentioned I feel you on. I think you are reading between the lines. Nothing wrong with knowing where you stand, especially at this point but I really think you'd know by now if he was just in it to kill time.

[LailaK]

I hope you're right. I care about him a lot. I'm not a codependent person. We never talk on the phone. We spend a lot of time a part, hanging with our own friends and i LOVE that about our relationship. But I'm used to dating men who romance me somewhat and show me that they care, even if it's just in a little way.

[Asip4u]

Laila you are a sexy, smart girl but you have to let stuff like this go. As Q mentioned, people get tired, people need time for themselves and some just don't always feel like they need to entertain. I'm much the same way like your b/f and in the past girls use to think i'm pissed at them because i'm all of a sudden quiet. Please stop and think before you go and say something really stupid to him otherwise it makes it sound almost like you want any excuse just to dump this guy.

[Mish]

I don't think he has any clue how I feel and I'm worried that i'm going to see him and yell "Do you care about me or not? Are we serious or are we just exclusively f*cking!?" I've never yelled at him.

It sounds like you are looking for clarity on the nature of your relationship, I think it's a legitimate concern. I don't think there's a need to feel angry at this point, you can raise this in an offhand manner when you talk to him, ask him what his thoughts are about his relationship with you and where he sees this relationship heading in the future, what he wants out of it. His response should give you some idea on whether he views this relationship seriously or not.

[LailaK]

That's why I came to Love Forum, so I could get some good advice instead of going over insane situations in my crazy head.

You all give very good advice. I need to chill out and maybe find a way to talk to him calmly about the nature of our relationship.

[Gigabitch]

Do you feel that your relationship is changing right now, because he's starting to make plans without you? That would make me hesitate to push him right now. He may be trying to figure out where he sees you two going, and may not be ready to bring it all out into the open yet.

I agree with Mish that you're well within your rights to know what's going on between you two, but the fact that you're feeling weird about him right now concerns me. I'm a big fan of intuition, and it seems that yours is telling you there might be something wrong.

[Kayla]

Guys generally dont find it necessary to "talk".

An example: You and your bf spend three hours on the couch watching TV together, not saying much to each other. The guy thinks "we just spent three hours together." The girls thinks, "he sat there for three hours and said hardly a thing to me.. I wonder whats wrong?" So she says something and he doesn't understand what she means because is his mind, they just spent three hours together... which then leads to misunderstandings/arguments.. he thinks she is being pushy and demanding and she thinks he is being distant and not caring about the relationship. So him not talking and saying much could mean absolutely nothing. Of course, as some previous females posted here there are exceptions.

The only thing I dont really get is how he makes plans without you- like that party? And he just casually tells you about it then doesnt ask you to go with him, like its no big deal? Thats the part that doesn't seem to make much sense to me...


So-- the point is this: DO NOT explode, there is the possibility that he thinks everything is fine and has NO CLUE any of this is running through your mind. its time to have a talk, thats all.

You have absolutely every right to know where you stand in the relationship- so ask him.. in a mature calm adult manner. Here is a hint- do NOT start off by saying "we need to talk"... I have found that normally puts people in automatic defensive mode- I am not sure why, it just does. (I know when I hear that, I think "oh no...") just wait for the next opportunity and bring it up... then start talking- just say it. If he says something you dont want to hear, then be ready to let it go.. better to find out now then later.

well come back and update, ok?

[lilxcutie53]

The only advice that I would give you is that if u feel that ur putting more effort into the relationship is too back up, and have him start asking u to hang out.

[girl68]

I think at 5ish months one should be allowed to raise the "where is this going" talk. It's alright to be scared, nervous but it's also alright to bring these concerns to the table. I've seen you around here long enough that you're not the crazy girl who is going to say "are we getting married or what" type of talk. You are smart and can have a good talk without totally making him run for the hills.

I think you should gather up your thoughts and lay them out for him. One is allowed to every now and again ask for some confirmation and or reassurance.

[LailaK]

I'm a tad hungover but I thought I'd write an update.

On Thursday I wrote him a text because we hadn't talked in forever. I asked him if he was sure everything was ok because I felt like we weren't talking. He writes back "Everything is fine. We should hang out tomorrow." I asked him if he wanted to see a movie, but it was the night of his friends party (I hadn't known that) so we did that instead.

Again, we hardly talked to one another. Both of us talked to his friends more than we talked to each other. But he was always by my side. His hands were always on my hands, on my legs, or his arm was around my shoulder. There's something about the way he touches me (in this caring, non-sexual way) that completely puts me at ease.

Halfway through the night he turns to me out of the blue and says "We should hang out tomorrow. Let's go see a movie." I think he gets that I'm anxious about something.

I don't want him to feel like he has to entertain me. I'm a very talkative person, he's quieter in most situations. I want him to feel comfortable being quiet with me but I have to work on being comfortable with quiet then myself.