What kind of games is he playing?

[sexymama22]

A few months ago I contacted my ex because I wanted to get some things off my chest in regards to past mistakes and feelings. I am not sure why I felt compelled to contact him but I did and it went surprisingly well. I basically put all my cards on the table and talked about past mistakes and how I feel about him. I have always loved him, I just never told him. Fifteen years have past and I am still in love with him. When I decided to do all this, I didn’t really think that it may scare him or that it would be a lot to handle because I wasn’t looking for anything from him. Me telling him how I feel was not an attempt to get him back. It was supposed to be for my own closure. Here’s the problem. Even though I told him when we talked that I didn’t expect anything from him and that I was telling him this for my own closure, I am realizing now that, that may have been a lie. As I talked to him I realized that I really did want to get back together with him because I love him. He wasn’t scared by the info but instead he wanted to know what the hell took me so long. Then he asked me where I wanted to go from here. I think I made my mistake by telling him that I don’t know and that it was really up to him. The fact that he was very perceptive and he suggested that we start again and rebuild kind of got me too. I just wasn’t ready for that kind of response from him and I certainly didn't expect him to ask me if I wanted to start again. If some guy did that to me I would run for the hills, but he seemed very ok with it, almost happy to hear it.

Now I am trying to figure out what kind of games he’s playing. The fact that he will not call me on his own really bugs me. He always tells me to call and text him. He always answers even if he’s busy and he will call back when he says he will. If I text him he answers within the hour. We talk for long periods, I mean good quality conversations and some kinky ones too, but why do I have to be the caller? When I don’t call him and I finally do he says where have you been you didn’t call me. I mean am I misreading. I keep thinking “he’s just not that into you” But why initiate something if you have no intensions on finishing. Honestly I don’t think it’s that because he does always call back and we do talk for hours. Personally, if I weren’t into a guy I would just tell him and then stop taking his calls. I ran this by a neighbor guy friend of mine who is around the same age as my guy and he basically told me that the guy wants me to chase him and that I should not call him for a bit and see what happens. He said that I am making myself too available and that when he does call that I shouldn’t answer and that I should not call him back for a day or two? Games, games! I’m not interested in playing. What if I do what my friend suggested and he thinks I’m not interested and never calls? I don’t understand why all the games, why do I have to chase him when he knows the deal. Any thoughts on what’s going on with this guy or what I should do?

[Mish]

Then he asked me where I wanted to go from here. I think I made my mistake by telling him that I don't know and that it was really up to him.

I mean am I misreading. I keep thinking he's just not that into you; But why initiate something if you have no intensions on finishing.

You initiated, so I guess the onus is on you on finishing. You raised your hand and communicated that you are more invested in him than he is in you, that's the dynamic you setup and then you said that what happens from then on is up to him so he took you up on that offer. It sounds like he is just continuing the dynamic you created.

[sexymama22]

How did I initiated? I never told him I wanted him back, but I wasn't going to tell him no right then and there. He was like oh so maybe we can go get lunch or dinner one night and hang out. I said ok and that is fine. I am fine with him wanted to rebuild, we had good times and a good relationship. I just wasn’t expecting it so I put the ball in his court. What I need him to do step up and act like he really wants too. He needs to initiated conversation instead of me always being the one who calls first. I really do feel like I am chasing him because I am stalking the phone hoping he will call. That just isn't me.

[Mish]

How did I initiated? I never told him I wanted him back.

I think you did, you told him how much you love him and how you feel about him, he asked you where do you want to go from here? You said "I don't know, it's up to you", which given the circumstance was the same as saying "I want you back if you will take me". So, given your feelings towards him and your delegation of control over relationship to him he decided to take you back and he's been following that dynamic ever since.

[sexymama22]

LOL! Ok. Well looking at it like that, then I guess I did. I can see how he would see it that way.

Like i said I am fine with getting back together but what about the calling issue? I am not going to be the one calling all the time. I just keep hearing a ringing in my ear "if a guy is really interested then he will call you" He talks like he is but him not calling says something different to me.

I might add that I only call or text him once a week if that because I refuse to do more. So we aren't talking every day or anything.

[Mish]

I understand what you are saying, you want him to show more initiative and communicate to you that he is as much head over heels over you as you are over him. I think that's only fair. But the problem I see is that this may require in change of the dynamic of the relationship and that will not be a simple feat to acomplish. At the moment it sounds like he has the upper hand in the relationship, he knows how you feel about him and he knows he can use it to his advantage. I think if you want this to change you will need to move very slowly and carefully, don't confront him on not showing as much attention to you as you are to him, but try to gauge where he sees himself in this relationship with you and what are his plans for moving forward. He should have some idea because after all he is with you. This should give you if nothing else at least some reassurance and make you feel less needy for his attention. Ultimately I don't think you need to chase him and he doesn't need to chase you, in an ideal relationship the intimacy will flow organically.

[sexymama22]

Yep, you are right, he does have the upper hand right now. Honestly, If I had known that we would be getting back together then I probably would have held off on telling him everything. IMO it really isn’t normal to tell a person after 15 years that you are in love with them and then end up back together or working on getting back together.
I am glad you said not to confront him because I was thinking about mentioning the calling issue to him. I have never been a “I wonder if he’ll call” type person, because I have always had a confident attitude about myself, but this man has got me going. I feel like a school girl with a huge crush on a guy. Hard to believe that I am almost 35 and I am dealing with this. It will be hard not to “chase” by calling him all the time, even though I still really do think he is playing games.

Thanks for you help.

[xxazurexx]

You went looking for closure after 15 years???

I personally wouldn't call him for a while. I'd be curious and to see if he would actually call me and if I let some time go by without calling him. And I don't mean 2 minutes....I mean a week or more.

If he didn't call, then I'd assume he wasn't that interested and you'd be wise not to get too heavily invested because he isn't feeling the same and despite what he says. Talk is cheap, it's his actions you need to looking at. Interested men, call you.

[sexymama22]

Yeah, I know 15 years is a long time but there is a very good reason for it and many people will not understand, but please don’t judge me for that. Sometimes telling a person how you feel is difficult, especially if there are other circumstances involved. Plus I am not one of those women who just randomly tells guys I meet that I love them. He is only the 2nd guy I ever told that too. I never even told my other ex that I loved him and we were together for 5 years. I'm not going to go any further into detail here into here but if you knew all the information you may understand that a bit better. I should have told him long ago but it was not possible. Because :
1. I’m not a home wreaker
2. I don’t cheat
I guess I knew that if I told him that there was some small chance that it could go this way but that was a scenario that was very unlikely on my list. So when I felt the time was right and when I was ready, I told him. IMO It’s never to late to say I love you. Ever! There were other things that needed to be discussed too because we never really broke up. There were other major reason why I waited but like I said I’m not getting into them here.

I wouldn't say that he feels the same as far as love but I know the kind of person he is and if he weren't interested then he would have just said that. Seriously, he is very to the point and quick to tell someone to get lost or f*** off. He would have never given me any of his personal numbers if he didn't want me to have them and he certainly wouldn’t ask me to call him. What is throwing me is how annoyed he gets when I don’t call him. “ why didn’t you call me” “where have you been” “Did I say something to upset you the last time we talked” So I don't believe that he’s not interested is this case. I do however believe that either he wants me to clearly tell him what I want or he wants me to chase him which I won't do anymore. It’s almost like he is waiting for something ,trying to see where my head is at or trying to see if I really mean what I say. I just don't have time for games. If he wants to talk to me then he has my number. He will call or text sooner or later.