Confused and Angry :(

[l_girl]

I am so confused and angry right now. I think some of you read my older thread with what is happening to my relationship right now. Long story short, my fiancée called me a vile name (f’ing b!tch) and I left him as it became a symbol for me that he don’t give a crap about me. Feeling like crap I went home and here we are 1.5 months later. I had asked him to change many times during the course of our relationship (6.5 years) but he pretty much refused or don’t care enough to change for me. I guess me leaving was a sign I’ve had enough but I guess not serious enough. So after a few phone calls with him in the 1.5 months with me suggesting we break up that we decided to give it another go. This time I told him if he didn’t make an effort to change then I am done with the relationship since I am not a “spring chicken” like my sister put it. I need a man that will take notice of my feelings vs ignore it the way he has over the years.

So what am I so mad about? Well our conversations for the past week have been fairly one sided with me telling him as to what is going on and all. My sister is moving to another city so we almost bought a car for her and planning the move etc. His responses to me telling him how things are doing with me, or rather how my day went, are usually with one word responses. So two nights ago I got tired of his muteness and asked him what has been going on with his life. He sorta refused to answer till I asked him a few times. Then he told me what’s been going on in his life this past 1.5 months. Made me realize, he isn’t treating me like he wants me to be apart of it anymore. He don’t even tell me some important stuff like him being preceptor to his friend’s residency at the hospital. Then last night after I told him what I did for the day I asked him what he did. This is how the conversation went (off of my msn messenger chat history):

Me: so what are you doing?

Him: stuff

Me: what stuff?

Him: listing things I have to do

Me: what is on the list?

Him: (he lists a lot of things that include buying things to make nacho’s)

Me: why do you need the nacho’s? (his stomach can’t tolerate nacho’s well as it gives him diarrhea every time he eats it)

Him: to make them

Me: for yourself to eat?

Him: (no response)

After that I got really mad at him as he didn’t even want to tell me why he was making nacho’s. I ended that msn messenger chat and ignored him for the rest of the night. I couldn’t get over how ridiculous it was of him to refuse to tell me what the freaking nacho’s was for. So this is how things have boiled down to for my relationship, him treating me like I am a friend vs his fiancée. A fiancée that is trying hard to salvage a relationship that is about to be over soon if he don’t try harder. I couldn’t sleep last night as I was so mad at him and how everything was going. So I wrote him an email at 3:30am telling him I am tired of his muteness. I didn’t want to talk to him till he was ready to have a real conversation with me where he will respond with more than 1 word. I told him if he can’t put in 100% effort then get the hell out of this team as I need a teammate that will be able to put their 100% effort in. I also told him I won’t put up with his crap the way I used to too.

I don’t know if it was harsh of me to write such an email and send it off to him like that but if I didn’t know he has to work at 8am I would have called him on the phone this morning to yell at him. I am very disappointed at him right now as I don’t get this sense he’s working hard to salvage whatever we have. Maybe we are better suited to be just friends. I will be going back next Wednesday since I need to pack my stuff. I decided that I didn’t want to live with him anymore. I need to re-figure myself out and to concentrate on studying for my designation final exam this October too. Is it weird how I am considering suggesting to him next week when I see him in person I want to be un-engaged with him. He didn’t have a good reason to propose to me anyway. He did it to for the sake of “seems like the next step and it had to be done” his words to me as to why he propose to me.

Thank you for reading this. I think I have exhausted my friend/family venue since they are getting sick of me talk about my problems. I just need a venue to vent that may respond vs just a diary entry.

[VincenzoG91]

Communication is critical to a relationship, but sometimes one partner likes to communicate more or at least more often than another. But you were together for a long time, so I assume that you have a clear idea of what constitutes a normal amount of communication for you two, and recently it has been less. The individual details that you mentioned might be harmless (the nachos are for friends, the short answers were because he was multi-tasking or watching tv), but if the overall pattern suggests that he isn't trying anymore, you're probably right to break up with him. You've been together for a long time without actually getting married, so it seems possible that he might have a fear of commitment that is sabotaging your relationship. Since he isn't talking much, there's no way to be sure, but at least you're doing something. Maybe you could go No Contact for a while, both to help you move on and to possibly re-kindle his interest. Either way, things will get better. Either he will step up his game and work hard to win you back, or you will move on to find someone who will treat you right.

[l_girl]

It isn't just recently where he don't tell me things. It's been happening for the past few years now as he thinks or rather deemed I don't need to know the information he's witholding from me. I am one that is very open and tell him almost everything but I guess he's not. I guess I've been tolerating it and I've reached a limit. He has to step up the game a lot or that is it for me. At the moment I got so much anger in me that if he weren't 3hr flight away I would drive to the apartment and yell at him. I'm not one to be violent but I am really really mad.

[lilxcutie53]

I would stop stressing over it soo much! he seriously doesnt seem worth it.

[IndiReloaded]

You seriously don't see why what you said is a problem? LOL.

IMO, you do seem like a bitch. I'm sure that's not your intent, but it is how your communications come across. I'm amazed he hasn't dumped you yet. Its coming, tho. When a guy stops communicating like that, you are out the door. Sorry. Try to be nicer to people and see things from their perspective.

[VincenzoG91]

At the moment I got so much anger in me that if he weren't 3hr flight away I would drive to the apartment and yell at him.

3 hour flight? Long-distance relationships are tough in general, and more likely to end with cheating or fear of possible cheating. Were you two always long-distance? Over six years in a long-distance relationship is actually pretty impressive, though not necessarily good. Why couldn't either one of you move closer? And how was your engagement going to turn into a marriage with that kind of distance?

[l_girl]

3 hour flight? Long-distance relationships are tough in general, and more likely to end with cheating or fear of possible cheating. Were you two always long-distance? Over six years in a long-distance relationship is actually pretty impressive, though not necessarily good. Why couldn't either one of you move closer? And how was your engagement going to turn into a marriage with that kind of distance?

We were never long distance for the whole 6.5 years. We met in our home town and I followed him so he can pursue his dream job that's 3hr flight away two years ago. Lets just say for the past two years I've been miserable in the new city plus it was a death sentence for my career hence I'm unemployed since February since it's a really really small city, I would call it a big town. Another thing I don't like about him is he never supported me emotionally or physically when I had a lot of problems at work. So for the past two years we've been living together in a new city and I flew back home to my parents after I sorta had a mini wake up call last month when he called me a f'ing bitch. As to my engagement, I honestly don't even know where we'll be in a month's time so who knows if there will be a wedding.

[IndiReloaded]

So is he still supporting you, or are you living at home with your parents now? Have you found work there?

It sounds to me that you have some confidence/self-esteem issues that are jumbled up with your relationship problems. You need to find a job, stand on your own two feet and gain some self-sufficiency. THEN if he still acts like a jerk, you can give him the heave-ho. But its really disrespectful to be a parasite off someone else and use them for this. Go home if you have to.

[FNM]

I'll never trust such a sinister corn based snack again.

[l_girl]

So is he still supporting you, or are you living at home with your parents now? Have you found work there?

It sounds to me that you have some confidence/self-esteem issues that are jumbled up with your relationship problems. You need to find a job, stand on your own two feet and gain some self-sufficiency. THEN if he still acts like a jerk, you can give him the heave-ho. But its really disrespectful to be a parasite off someone else and use them for this. Go home if you have to.

How am I a parasite? I gave up a great job to move to a small city that killed my career. I took a job with no future and took crap at work for 1.5 years to be with him and I have been living off of MY own savings the past few months. Even if he had to support me I think it's fair as I would do the same for him if he was unemployed and I was partly to blame for it. He knew before he accepted his job offer that I may be unemployed and will need to eventually support me financially since it was a small city. Finance is not a problem in our relationship but more so behavioural. They aren't just new problems but problems that's been there for years that I tolerated. I was a sponge for lack of a better word and took crap, now this sponge don't want to take crap anymore so that's why we got tension!

I find your response really insulting considering you have no clue how my financial situation is and to hurl accusations that I am a parasite and that I use him for his money is just rude.

[IndiReloaded]

Shrug. What matters is if its true. Sponge, parasite... call it what you want. If you are taking from him and not giving in return then that's what you are.

Maybe I'm wrong but I remember you as the poster that expected him to help at home after working all day and you not. You admit he is paying your way but what does he get for it? He does deserve to get *something* for it beyond the apparent non-pleasure of your company. I agree with you about unemployment and partners supporting each other, but I wonder if your partner would make himself useful if the situation was reversed and how long he'd be unemployed for.

You sound like you want an award for moving with him and giving up your own job prospects. That was YOUR choice, possibly a bad one. Take personal responsibility for your decisions, including correcting them if they aren't what you want. Ultimately, its not his responsibility you are unhappy.

Your earlier comment bitching at him about his diet was completely wrong for you to do but you are apparently still clueless as to why. He even told you what he needed but you seem oblivious to subtle hints. His response to you is completely predictable.

Yeah, I checked. This was you:

So, let me get this straight. He goes to work all day and you are sitting at home. You expect him to do the houehold chores, despite the fact he's been to work all day?? I would feel that in this instance and if you aren't working and have time on your hands, that you should be the one doing the chores and while your guy is at work....you should have his meal on the table and when he comes in from work.

As for his violent outburst, well that was uncalled for and I wouldn't be happy at being called a 'f**king bitch' either and for accidently being late. He also doesn't seem to be respecting you in other ways, puts you down, belittles you...a match made in Heaven it would seem and a match that certainly won't run the course.

Yup, he's at work and I'm at home hence I must have to serve the almighty master by making sure his food is cooked, clothes cleaned, house cleaned etc. The problem is I've been doing them regardless if I worked full time or not. Being unemployed is bad enough but to be told that I must do these things to say "earn my keep" is pretty hard to swallow. Personally if I had a choice I would like to work and out earn him so I can see what other excuses he can come up with but I guess that won't happen till another few years.

^Your attitude sucks. Many spouses would be HAPPY to support their partner after working so hard all day. He's probably thinking of going and finding one.

[vashti]

You sound like a piece of work. I hope you are at least attractive, because it seems a shame that he would have to tolerate all your nagging and bitching if he doesn't even get the pleasure of showing you off to his friends.