Confused by all the mixed signals!!

[confused1982]

Mixed Signals - I am so confused!
Hello,

This is my first post so I hope I am in the right forum.

Basically I am looking for some advice regarding my situation with my ex girlfriend and the seemingly mixed signals I am getting.

We were together for a year, and it was all pretty intense and we rushed into things a bit and moved in together after only 8 weeks.

The first 6 months of the relationship were really great and we both put everything into it and we were both really happy.

Before I met her, I was a typical guy out with the lads all the time and to be honest I liked a good drink every night. She was never happy about this and for several months I changed my lifestyle for the relationship and everything was fine.
Then I stared having the lads making the usual �under the thumb� comments and asking why I wasn�t �allowed� to go out anymore, even though I had chosen not to go out as I was in a happy relationship.
My best friend was a big drinker too and, although married, swore at being out at least once a week and I started to think that my relationship wasn�t all I thought.
I started putting more and more emphasis on wanting to go out, drink during the week, and generally acted like an idiot. In my head I turned my GF into the evil one who wouldn�t let me go out, I stopped trying in the relationship until it became intolerable and I ended it.

In the time since the break up she has found her own independence and got herself a new place and seemingly got on with her life.
I�m afraid to say that I uncontrollably hit the bottle to the point where one month ago I started attending AA and have made the decision to life a sober life. I am much happier now except for the fact that now I am sober, and I have taken the emphasis on alcohol out of my life, I have come to realise just what I�ve thrown away.

Initially we had no contact, the wounds were still too fresh and she cut me out of her life completely. Over the course of the past 6 weeks we have had various degrees of contact � we have gone to the cinema, she has invited me over for tea and we have even slept together.

After one night we went to the cinema and I was longing for her to come home with me and she just went her own way and I broke down and she said she didn�t love me anymore and that I wasn�t her type of guy. She told me not to contact her so I decided I would try and give her space (which she keeps asking for to see if she misses me or not).

Anyway, after 2 days of non-contact SHE called ME and said she had been thinking about all the things that we would have been doing over that weekend and she was feeling really down and she ended up coming over for tea that night, and asking me to spend her birthday with us just the 2 of us. I splashed out on a present for her and we had a lovely relaxed night together and I went home that night and didn�t get upset, just enjoyed what we�d had.
A couple more days went by and I continued to give her space, then once again after a couple of days she contacted me again, albeit for a favour, but she asked me to come over on Sunday. We ended up going for lunch, which was her decision, and this didn�t go too well.

After we ate, she abruptly finished her drink and said she needed to walk home and didn�t want a lift and outside she said she didn�t love me, she didn�t know why she was spending time with me and that she felt she was being horrible leading me on.

I drove home in tears and she called me whilst I was crying and she said she would come over. She literally walked through the door, cuddled me and held me so tightly and said she didn�t know what she wanted and didn�t know how to handle things for the best.

There are obviously major hang-ups on her behalf and I totally understand that after I hurt her that I cannot expect miracles to happen but I am so confused with the signals. I used the opportunity to tell her how I felt, which led to her asking �how do you see things working out if we get back together�.

She had to leave midway through us talking but she has said that she wants to talk some more.

I am so confused. I really do want her back and I want to put things right between us but I just don�t know if she (a) loves me but cant move passed the bad times or (b) she actually doesn�t love me but doesn�t want to let go.

I know everyone is different, so perhaps peoples opinions on here might differ from what she is actually thinking, but your thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks

[hello1]

She's afraid your going to hurt her again. Give her more time and space, if she really does keep firm and does not want to get back then you will need to move. We live and learn from our mistakes.

[cmacattack1]

If she's afraid of being hurt again, she has a funny way of showing it (movies, tea, sleeping together)? I think that now the ball is in her court, she is kind of enjoying having power over the situation. It's up to when she calls, what she wants, etc. etc. Obviously it's not good to go from hanging out and having a great time to her saying "I don't care about you anymore", and that troubles me and makes me believe that there has been too much damage and not enough healing time. While you are living from run in to run in and basing your happiness on how that goes, she's still thinking of the big picture and how pissed off she was before and I'm sure some of that pain is still residual.

If she doesn't know what she wants, all you can do is give her space. But to go from having a great time to her reminding you that "she doesn't love you anymore" isn't acceptable. Maybe you feel guilty and you feel like you owe this to her for what you put her through, but you have to remember that what happened has already happened and there isn't much you can do about it. To be continually punished over it is not okay. If she can't get past what has happened before, you guys won't have a future anyway.

She needs to be on her own and figure out what she wants. The balls been in her court for a while, but if you want something more, you shouldn't have to settle for this on again off again charade. You know how far you have come and you know you can make a difference this time around, and if she doesn't want to give you that shot, there isn't much else to talk about. This is why it is much easier for most to start over with somebody new. Go again at your own risk, but I think you are going to have to tell her not to talk to you until she figures out what she wants if this is how it's going to be.

If it takes her being on her own without you for a long period of time (year or more maybe) before she feels she can come to you, you cross that bridge then if you are still interested in her. If it's too soon for her, it's too soon for you two.