In love with a newborn lesbian...god help me

[VVhiteVVabbit]

So a while back I posted a thread asking for advice about my ingaged co-worker whom I'd fallen in love with. I'd been seeing the girl as more than a friend for nearly a year and a half and I couldn't get her out of my head. However, it wasn't quite in me to try to destroy her relationship with her fiance.

Well, things have changed dramaticly over the last couple months...and I mean dramaticly. She knew how I felt about her because I let her know. Soon after I had heard from my boss, whom is also a friend of mine and her's, that she had broken it off with her fiance because she felt like their relationship had been on the fence for quite sometime and just wasn't into him anymore. I was pretty certain at this point that I probably had something to do with it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

It turns out that she had broken it off with her fiance because she had become more than friends with her friend who happens to be a girl. Yes, she is a lesbian. I also had to find this out from my boss because she didn't have the nerve to tell me herself. This has ofcourse just devistated me. I am a wreck and find myself to be having some serious mood swings and find it impossible to enjoy anything anymore. I desperately want this girl in my life but I find it nearly impossible to just be her friend.

I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing that I can do about it and all I can do is give up and get over her. Am I wrong in thinking this? Is it possible that she is just going through a phase? I might add that even though both of these girl's families are highly religeous and threaten to disown them if they continue, yet they are still determined to be together. Even though her family is falling apart she still seems to be the happiest she's ever been with her new found friend. This seems unshakible to me. I've given up hope. I've put in a notice and will be quitting my job at the end of August. I also plan to remove every person relating to her from my life aswell. Even though many of those people are my friends aswell . This is a very painful experience for me and everything that reminds me of her just cuts me. I've lost my motivation to do anything and have no interrest in any other girls and at this point I don't feel like it will ever change.

Am I doing the right thing by cutting myself off from her and everything that might keep her memory alive? My heart and mind knows when it's sick. I'm not the type to run away from my problems but this is a problem that I can not solve. I am lost and I'm constantly sleeping on a wet pillow. Please, can anyone give me some advice on how to go about this?

[Mish]

Is it possible that she is just going through a phase? I might add that even though both of these girl's families are highly religeous and threaten to disown them if they continue, yet they are still determined to be together.

I don't think she would be dismantleing her wedding and risking being disowned by her family if a lot of thought didn't go into this. I don't think it's a phase, it sounds like you are out of luck. But look on the bright side, why would you want to be with someone who is attarcted to girls anyway? Count your blessings, you dodged a bullet.

[IncognitoSir]

Man, she's GAY! I mean, she likes chicks. I don't know if there could be anything that's more of a turn off for a man. I know you fancied her a lot, but obviously she doesn't care for you bro. Pull yourself together. Look at this situation for what it REALLY is. She broke of an engagement to go lesbo and date a woman! She was talking to this chick while she was engaged to her fiance, don't get it twisted. You don't want anything to do with this chick. Focus on getting your head back together. Another chick will come along, trust me.

[jessZ]

yeah, at least you know it isn't personal.... And sexuality isn't something you can change. This is clearly hard for you, but if you truly care for her, you'll want for her happiness, and she would NEVER be happy living a lie.

[xxazurexx]

I can remember your story. Sorry to hear that things turned out this way.

I think I'd move on and just forget her, she likes 'women' it would seem and as for going through a 'phase'....am sorry, but people are either born that way or they are not - people don't suddenly become gay overnight. I certainly couldn't change my sexuality and go from guys to females anyway....nor even experiment with another woman. I like guys...end of.

Maybe she has liked women all along, but tried to live in denial of that fact and because she has religious parents, etc, etc...

I'd let this one go.

.

[IncognitoSir]

yeah, at least you know it isn't personal.... And sexuality isn't something you can change. This is clearly hard for you, but if you truly care for her, you'll want for her happiness, and she would NEVER be happy living a lie.

You say sexuality isn't something you can change? Thats what she did. She was dating a man, nearly married him actually, then she changed her sexuality and now she dates a chick.

[jessZ]

You say sexuality isn't something you can change? Thats what she did. She was dating a man, nearly married him actually, then she changed her sexuality and now she dates a chick.

I meant it isn't something OTHERS can change, through effort or suggestion or influence. Of course people have experiences with both sexes all the time. What I am saying is that if she is into girls now, then there's not much anyone can do to change that. Maybe she was a lesbian all along and surpressed it, who knows. I'm no expert - I have no idea whether people are born with a particular sexuality, or whether it is influenced by environment... (I don't think the research confirms or denies this either, but again, I haven't looked into this extensively).. but all of this is beside the point really - I'm just trying to convey the fact that there's nothing the OP can do to change her sexual orientation. It is a very personal thing and something that only she knows and feels.

[xxazurexx]

You say sexuality isn't something you can change? Thats what she did. She was dating a man, nearly married him actually, then she changed her sexuality and now she dates a chick.

Maybe she was really a lesbian all along....who knows?

Actually I have an aunt like this. She was married for years, had 3 kids....then suddenly and out of the blue left her husband, for another woman!

I think she'd been a lesbian all along, but just kept it hidden well all these years and did what society expected. She grew up in a time where this stuff was frowned upon and if you had declared your sexuality, you would have been an outcast in society.

[IncognitoSir]

Yeah I hear where you guys are coming from, but really its irrelevant. It's such a grey area than no "answer" could be reached conclusively. I've seen str8 women go lesbian and claim to been born gay yata yata, then a year later they're str8 again and was just confused. So I'll just leave it at that lol.

[kitkitkitty]

if she's left her fiancé it's obviously a huge deal and she probably had her head screwed on tighter than ever before. religion probably forced her to block this all out. her sexuality was always the same, but she may not have even realised it. maybe the fact that she was soon gona get married finally made something click in her mind and when you get it you know that things have to change or you'll be living a lie.

[IncognitoSir]

if she's left her fiancé it's obviously a huge deal and she probably had her head screwed on tighter than ever before. religion probably forced her to block this all out. her sexuality was always the same, but she may not have even realised it. maybe the fact that she was soon gona get married finally made something click in her mind and when you get it you know that things have to change or you'll be living a lie.

Yeah, maybe that's what it might have been.......kinda.

[VVhiteVVabbit]

Well, I wish I could read her a little better when it comes to the situation. I'm not even sure if she's a lesbian or is just enjoys her friends company so much that she is basicly a lesbian for her. She has always claimed to have a huge thing for Johnny Depp aswell as Jacob from the twilight movies. Even before she realized she was a lesbian herself, she kindof jokingly said that all girls have a girl crush and that hers was Shakira. I'm not sure if she's maybe BI or what but it seems possible. However, things that undermine this theory of mine are that she says after about 4 years with her fiance, she never really became more than friends with him, and a friend of hers told me once that she dosn't like sex and thinks it's kindof disgusting. Maybe it was sex with her fiance she didn't like or sex with men in general...I'm not certain. I am pretty certain she is having sex with her new girlfriend though.

It's my personal opinion that no one is born gay. It takes experiences to change your default sexuality. I'm not certain if it was bad experiences with men or just good experiences with girls that changed her. She hangs out with various friends of hers all the time. I think she just may feel more comfortable around other females. She did tell me that once back in highschool a lesbian friend of hers came onto her and at the time she thought it was kinda scary and weird. Then I believe her new girlfriend also did some serious coaxing to get her to experiment. I just wish there were hope that I could give her some good experiences with a man and maybe she could reconsider things. One of her friends told me that she is really second guessing things but that was about 3 weeks ago. She is honestly acting like a young school girl with her new found lesbianism. I can't help but think that some girls do experiment with the same sex at some point in her life...I just hate that she is really enjoying it and that it's probably the real thing here. I might also note that her family is pretty religeous but she isn't as die hard about it. She does believe in god but she hasn't been to church in forever. Gah, I wish there was a way to sweep her off her feet so hard that she could never recover from it and realize that a girl isn't what she wants....I am. However, i'm nearly convinced that there is nothing I can do anymore...even though i've been kindof a pussy about it and havn't really stepped up to the plate.

[VincenzoG91]

This could be a rebound thing. After getting out of a serious relationship, it isn't unusual for someone to hook up with a very different person from the ex. But I don't think that you should get your hopes up, there are plenty of other women, and you will be happier with someone who really wants you.

[phys251]

So a while back I posted a thread asking for advice about my ingaged co-worker whom I'd fallen in love with. I'd been seeing the girl as more than a friend for nearly a year and a half and I couldn't get her out of my head. However, it wasn't quite in me to try to destroy her relationship with her fiance.

Well, things have changed dramaticly over the last couple months...and I mean dramaticly. She knew how I felt about her because I let her know. Soon after I had heard from my boss, whom is also a friend of mine and her's, that she had broken it off with her fiance because she felt like their relationship had been on the fence for quite sometime and just wasn't into him anymore. I was pretty certain at this point that I probably had something to do with it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

It turns out that she had broken it off with her fiance because she had become more than friends with her friend who happens to be a girl. Yes, she is a lesbian. I also had to find this out from my boss because she didn't have the nerve to tell me herself. This has ofcourse just devistated me. I am a wreck and find myself to be having some serious mood swings and find it impossible to enjoy anything anymore. I desperately want this girl in my life but I find it nearly impossible to just be her friend.

I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing that I can do about it and all I can do is give up and get over her. Am I wrong in thinking this? Is it possible that she is just going through a phase? I might add that even though both of these girl's families are highly religeous and threaten to disown them if they continue, yet they are still determined to be together. Even though her family is falling apart she still seems to be the happiest she's ever been with her new found friend. This seems unshakible to me. I've given up hope. I've put in a notice and will be quitting my job at the end of August. I also plan to remove every person relating to her from my life aswell. Even though many of those people are my friends aswell . This is a very painful experience for me and everything that reminds me of her just cuts me. I've lost my motivation to do anything and have no interrest in any other girls and at this point I don't feel like it will ever change.

Am I doing the right thing by cutting myself off from her and everything that might keep her memory alive? My heart and mind knows when it's sick. I'm not the type to run away from my problems but this is a problem that I can not solve. I am lost and I'm constantly sleeping on a wet pillow. Please, can anyone give me some advice on how to go about this?

Maybe she's bi? Or more likely, maybe she just came to grips with their sexuality. That is not easy to do in a society that is still largely intolerant of homosexuals.

What a shame how her family is treating her. Yeah she needs a friend, but be aware that if you look to fill that role, she's going to look no further than that, and any attempt to go beyond "just friends" could backfire.

You say sexuality isn't something you can change? Thats what she did. She was dating a man, nearly married him actually, then she changed her sexuality and now she dates a chick.

It is a real shame that so many people still believe this. I could show you study after study explaining why sexual orientation is innate, lifelong, and unchangeable, but you'd most likely dismiss all of them, no matter how accurate and carefully researched. All I can say is, please don't ever let a gay person know what you really think of them.

[lahnnabell]

I beg to differ on sexuality being an unchangeable facet of someone's life. Unless you're also referring to those who can be inherently bisexual their entire lives.

For as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to both sexes. I am attracted to men for certain reasons, and I am attracted to women for certain reasons.

For a lot of people, it can be difficult to find a person you are truly attracted to. She may have wanted to experience this part of her that was attracted to women before, but never had the right outlet. Finding out her friend felt the same way about her probably gave her a push in the right direction. Does it mean she's a lesbian through and through? No one can say. That's up to her. However, it does mean that the OP needs to continue to work on moving on.

You keep saying you want this girl in your life, but she doesn't want you. You need to understand this completely.