recent breakup, do i have a chance?

[qwerty12]

Hi im after some advice ill keep the story short but detailed in what happened. If your going to judge me for what i did please dont post i know ive made mistake, we both have but thats not what im asking.

Firstly we have been together 3yrs and a bit when we broke up, she called it off, first she said she needed some space and promised to come back that we were not breaking up. She was going to go to her mums house for a few weeks to sort some stuff out but that night didnt end up going because she said that she 'couldnt leave' we ended up having a great night then the weekend after it ended.

She likes her space and thats one thing she did miss out on alot as i was on holidays from work. The other things that made the breakup was we had an abortion, and after doing it we regreated it so much.. This was killing her, she went from normal and after it happened she changed completely (which is understandable) i could see exactly what she was going through and i was there for her every step of the way to help best i can.

The mistakes ive made is i was controlling when we first were together but that went out the window a long time ago. But i know it played on her mind, she then recently thought that was the case again but it wasnt. I think with everything that happened she didnt go out but somehow felt it was me stopping her when it deffenly wasnt.

After it happened i broke down infront of her, done all the stupid msgs, facebook msgs, flowers etc asking for forgivness which did nothing. After i left her for 6days she sent me a msg asking if i wanted to hang out. We did and it went perfect, she said i want to be friends but take it slow and see what happens.. i was happy. I then left her for another few days then invited her over for tea and got no reply so i sent her a msg asking whats up and that i thought we had a good time, which she replied i had a great time but i dont know that i can forgive you, we broke up for a big reason. So it went from pretty good to shit in 3 or so days.

We have lived together for 2.5yrs as she got kicked out of home so i took her in then we had to get a place as my parents wanted us out. We just got a new house wen the abortion happened and it was all sweet then as she wanted to get a bigger house.. Now she has come and taken maybe half her stuff if not less and we have been broken up a month, she has left alot there and has slowely grabbed a few more things each week as she has a key but alot of her stuff is still there.

Since then i seen her at a bday, her sister and her sisters boyfriend are my best mates which shes fine with and since it was her sisters bday we both went. I tried to play my cards right and not seem needy anymore and sort of left her alone, she pretty much sparked all the convo with me and i talked 2 her like normal, it went great.. the other thing i noticed out the corner of my eye is she looked at me on several occasions through-out the night wen i wasnt looking and other people noticed this aswell so something must still be there for her. Then she said goodbye and gave me a hug.

This was 3days ago since then i havent messaged her or anything, on that night she also comented that ive gotten bigger, as ive been bulking up in the gym and have put on 7kg muscle over the last few months.

Should i leave her alone untill she comes to me if at all? And do you think from that i do have a chance in the future?

My biggest fear is she is a very stubborn and strong willed person that tries to display herself as strong which is my only scare.

I have treated her like a queen over the years, paid for alot of things since i earned alot more, have always been a good bloke to her and she has said this too so many people, she has changed alot for the better since we have been together. e.g. she was depressed before as she has lost alot of loved ones and i get on with her family like there my own. I know she still has feelings for me as she said this and i know she knows im a good guy do i have a chance with her over time?

[angel2002]

First of all: Nobody has the right to judge you for the mistake you did. The abortion decision was something only you and her could decide, and you guys did, decided together. Let me ask something: she agreed with it or did it just because of you?
Anyway if she agreed with it as well, these symptoms she is having is called guilty, she cant forgive herself, is suffering, which its normal when people go through such a thing, and when she sees you, she remebers all this crap. If she did it to please you then she is feeling anger and confusion, because she gave in for something you wanted.
Yes, sounds like you have a chance with her and that you guys are still in love. To go through something like this and start over, you guys will need a lot of effort and understandying plus the will to wanna make it work through the good or bad.
Keep yourself around for her, I am sure soon enough things will be fine, and you guys can forget this episode and move on
Good luck

[qwerty12]

The decision was mutual, she always said before she got pregnant that if she did we would be keeping it but at the time that all changed, we didnt really talk about it enough at the time we thought if we got the abortion and never said another thing about it then it would be ok, being young we were stupid and nieve now we both regreat it. And you hit the nail on the head she did say to me that everytime she comes home it reminds her of it more, even tho she works in a baby department, well did she has moved now but she said it was worse to come home then work there during the day.

The only other thing i forgot to say was that i did say some harsh things to her when i was angry the day we broke up in the morning.. things i hate myself for saying every day since its happened, things i would never normally say and i feel horrible.

[xxazurexx]

Hmmm. She did something that she regrets and that bad experience is asociated with YOU.

YOU and everything associated with YOU, reminds her of what she did.

Depends upon whether she can put it behind her or not, as to whether she returns I think.

[angel2002]

Yes, definitely you remind her of her mistakes.
This is gonna change, as i said, keep on working on it, makes her realize that you are not the only one to blame, ( dont do it the harsh way), Make her notice it without telling it, or throwing it on her face. As soon as she realizes you are not the only one to blame for her doing it( I mean , it was her body, the last word would be always hers) she will be able to forgive herself at first place, and then eventually move on.
AS I said, it is a tough situation and no one will really know how to solve it since we are not dealing with it ourselves.
I guess time is gonna heal all the wounds. You just have to be patient
Good luck, u seem to be a good guy, everybody says bad things to the other when they are angry, the important thing is being truly sorry and never do it anymore.
Take care

[vashti]

I don't know how a relationship could survive a regretted abortion. I think you should just move on.

[qwerty12]

Too the last post im not willing to do that, untill i know there is 100% no chance.

Also thanks so much Angel.

My main issue now is what way to approach this, two nights ago she talked to me on facebook saying she wanted to change her rego/insurance and phone over because there all in my name, there wasnt really much i could say other then to agree i said when you have time come over and we can work it out. Now from most of the advice ive recieved it is to leave her alone and give her some space and although this seems to work generally im not sure if i should do the same since generally speaking our situation is different then most.

I really want to sit her down and talk about everything with her before we change everything over and she walks away.
I planned on inviting her over and talking to her about how i feel, ask how she is feeling and pretty much say that i want to work through this together rather then apart. I mean it feels like after 3 years what have we got to loose, i really want to make her understand that i am sorry and that i want to be there for her.

What do you think is the best thing to do give her more space and dont contact her or because of my situation speak to her and make her understand how i feel and that im there for her and want to help her?

[SomeAlexDude]

I think you're spot on with most of your thinking. In general, it's best to kind of take a wait-and-see approach to something like this rather than be aggresive. There will be a time when you two should sit together and talk about things, but it would be best to wait until she initiates it with you. If she doesn't suggest a talk or a conversation any time soon, then your second best option would be to initiate the discussion you want to have. Just lay it all out for her and be honest, she probably feels the same way deep inside, but is just overwhelmed with all the things that have sorrounded the both of you during your relationship. I'd say the most important thing here is to not let the outside factors or the everyday things and issues that humanity deals with to be an obstacle to your love with one another - try and put things behind the both of you, at least for a conversation, to see where both of you truly stand.

[qwerty12]

Thanks Alex, do you think her asking to change the stuff over is deep down her way of contacting me with that being the excuse? and in time she is going to have to come over and see me to do it all, maybe that is her way of approaching a chat? Because she knows me well enough and knows i love her so much that i would wanna have a chat to her about everything, im not willing just to walk away from it all.

[angel2002]

My main issue now is what way to approach this, two nights ago she talked to me on facebook saying she wanted to change her rego/insurance and phone over because there all in my name, there wasnt really much i could say other then to agree i said when you have time come over and we can work it out. Now from most of the advice ive recieved it is to leave her alone and give her some space and although this seems to work generally im not sure if i should do the same since generally speaking our situation is different then most.

I really want to sit her down and talk about everything with her before we change everything over and she walks away.
I planned on inviting her over and talking to her about how i feel, ask how she is feeling and pretty much say that i want to work through this together rather then apart. I mean it feels like after 3 years what have we got to loose, i really want to make her understand that i am sorry and that i want to be there for her.

Talking bout this u wrote, i dont think u should give up on her and follow the advices to leave her alone, she loves you, but for some people getting through something like this is harder than for other. Plus as you said your situation and hers are different from most people, so we have a bunch of people here that have never experienced such a thing and is giving a lot of worthless advices. I know what u r talking bout cause i went through something similar. And about her wanting to change insurance and things from your name it can be a way of approaching. Usually when we break up with people we find reasons to be around them, like passing by just to grab an old cd that we dont care about but have forgotten there, all thins kind of crazy shit. When she comes, talk bout your feelings, its the best way to start getting things better, she needs to realize a relationship is about 2 people and u r suffering as well, or may be more for being far from who you love, when you know she loves u too but doesnt wanna surrender.
Good luck Keep on trying, the effort will be worth if there is still love

[qwerty12]

Im seeing her tomorrow after work, any tips on what to say or more importantly what not to say?

i have a rough outline of things i think i need to say. Firstly does she still have feelings for me and make sure she hasnt given up on us. I want to talk about the mistake that we BOTH made and how i think we should be going through it together. If the above goes well also tell her that 3 years is a long time and what do we have to loose in having another shot. I want to let her know that im not pushing or rushing her and im willing to take things slowely and that it can be like old times again.

[vashti]

On a completely unrelated note, I really think you should ask loveadmin to change your screen name. We already have a qwerty that posts regularly, and it's kind of unsettling to have to consciously think about which one we are talking to.

[qwertz]

I thought someone had hacked me!

[xxazurexx]

^LOL

I agree with Vashti. When I first saw this thread, I'd thought it was the 'original' Qwerty...it can get confusing :|

[qwerty12]

Sorry guys i didnt realise there was another qwerty, i will email mods and see if i can get a username change.

Havent been on here in a while here's my update, need a bit more help.

So recently we have been talking and seeing each other occasionally. She invited me out two weekends ago to her best friends birthday at a club, two days before that we had a good talk and it went quiet well especually since she invited me out that weekend. She said in the message she was glad that i was going and we had a great night together. Her friend had dramas with her bf so we ended up staying there with her friend and had to sleep in the same bed, which she was fine with, i didnt try anything because i want to take it slow and not push anything on her. Anyway the next day we spent pretty much all day together chilling out watching some movies, she asked if i wanted to lay down with her on the couch so we hugged and watched a movie. Since then ive seen her twice to help her write up a resume etc which went well aswell, she said a few good things to me. One day she was upset and saying she doesnt wanna live at home again (where she moved back when i broke up) and i asked her if she will ever come home and she said "im going to be honest and say i want too im just not ready yet" and when i seen her last thursday she said "i just want to take this slow, it would be weird just moving back in right away" which were too good things to hear.

Now since then i havent seen her but ive spoken to her via txt a few times a quickly on the phone once, she seems a little bit distant again. I know some stuff has been going on like her getting into a punch up with her sister who also moved back to her parents after a breakup and it was fathersday and she was close to her dad but he made a mistake and now they dont talk which hurts her but she wont be the first to talk to him and hes to stubborn to talk to her. Anyway do you think these things are why she seems a bit distant and what is the best next step for me to do?

I guess i have been msging her a bit extra since the things she said as it kinda got my hopes up, one thing she did say was that i didnt give her enough space when we were together. Do you guys think i should leave her for a few days and see what happens, make her come to me? I know she is still angry to some extent so it might just be all moving quickly and thats why she is confused, thats sort of what ive come up with so far.

I asked her to goto the show with me and she said she would think about it, well the last day we can go is friday and everytime i do see her it seems better, so far my plan is too leave her and not message her untill the night before or that day and then see if she wants to go, hopefully in this time she has talked to me first but i think going together will help us, so hopefully she talks to me so i can ask her that way but if not i might just have to ask her via txt.