unfaithfulness and long distance

[cymyu]

I've never written on a forum before but I really don't know who to turn to right now. Here's my story, I hope it's not too long.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for three and a half years now with the last six months being long distance. We've tried long distance before when he went away for school, it was a long three months but we survived. This time around it was my turn to be away. We were very close before I left and we tried to talk on the phone as much as possible. Near the end of it, things got a little distant. When he finally made his way to visit me after five long months, I could tell something was different. I figured it was just the effects of being away from each other for so long. We had a long talk about where our relationship was going and seemed to work most of the kinks out and we become closer than ever during our travels.

Here's the hard part. I found out the password to his emails and curiosity got the best of me and I checked it. I found out that right before he came to visit me, he had kissed another girl and had discussions of a possible relationship together. After spending all that time with me travelling and realized how good we had it, he eventually told this girl that he decided that he no longer had intentions to be with her and only wanted to stay with me for a very long time. I had no idea this had happened and he has not lead me to believe otherwise.

I don't know what to do. I feel hurt that this happened, but even more so because he didn't even have the decency to tell me. He doesn't know that I found out and I can't decide if I should bring it up. Things are going great and I'm afraid this would ruin it, but at that same time, what is relationship that is full of secrets and lies? I feel hurt, and don't know if I can trust him let alone stay with him. I will be away for work this coming year so it's going to be long distance again. We have plans to live together after this year and talk about our future all the time. I don't know what to do, just knowing what he did is eating me up inside. I just don't understand why he won't tell me. Should I just confront him about it?

If anyone has taken the time to read this or if you've been in a similar situation please let me know what you think I should do, any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[nerdy_guy]

LDRs are not a problem. It is quite difficult to maintain so you have to keep it in pristine condition as much as possible. I cannot stress enough that trust is extremely important, if trust hurts a lot when he's just a stone's throw away from you, IT WILL eat you alive when comes to LDRs.

Now for the more difficult part: JUST ONCE... let it go. BUT JUST THIS ONCE. I'm saying this because it he had a realization and its a good one. He did kiss someone else but he realized that you are more worth it. I'm giving him a chance its because even if he did something bad, he also corrected his errors without you interfering his decision to do so. But, the next time you catch him, you need to talk to him about it. And you should move on.

[IncognitoSir]

LDRs are not a problem. It is quite difficult to maintain so you have to keep it in pristine condition as much as possible. I cannot stress enough that trust is extremely important, if trust hurts a lot when he's just a stone's throw away from you, IT WILL eat you alive when comes to LDRs.

Now for the more difficult part: JUST ONCE... let it go. BUT JUST THIS ONCE. I'm saying this because it he had a realization and its a good one. He did kiss someone else but he realized that you are more worth it. I'm giving him a chance its because even if he did something bad, he also corrected his errors without you interfering his decision to do so. But, the next time you catch him, you need to talk to him about it. And you should move on.

Absolutely NOT! You dont give him a pass on cheating. You give him a pass and he'll do it again. Hell, people who get caught cheating cheat again so why wouldnt he? You were wrong to be snooping like that, but now you know so you need to deal with it. Why live a lie? You know the truth and so does he, he just doesnt know that you know. I know you don't want to ruin things now, but the fact that he cheated on you is going to bother you and effect your trust in him...ultimately dooming the relationship anyways. He was wrong to ignore his transgression against ya'll's relationship and it would be equally detrimental if you ignored it. What if next time he sleeps with a chick, but things are better between you guys than they've ever been? Would you give him a pass then? I know, it's a REAL crappy situation you're in, but it is what it is.

[nerdy_guy]

Absolutely NOT! You dont give him a pass on cheating. You give him a pass and he'll do it again. Hell, people who get caught cheating cheat again so why wouldnt he? You were wrong to be snooping like that, but now you know so you need to deal with it. Why live a lie? You know the truth and so does he, he just doesnt know that you know. I know you don't want to ruin things now, but the fact that he cheated on you is going to bother you and effect your trust in him...ultimately dooming the relationship anyways. He was wrong to ignore his transgression against ya'll's relationship and it would be equally detrimental if you ignored it. What if next time he sleeps with a chick, but things are better between you guys than they've ever been? Would you give him a pass then? I know, it's a REAL crappy situation you're in, but it is what it is.

Dude, there is no next time. That is why is gave him a pass just for once. next time, she immediately dumps his ass

[IncognitoSir]

Dude, there is no next time. That is why is gave him a pass just for once. next time, she immediately dumps his ass

Why dump him the 2nd time? According to you it's "OK" right now. Giving him a pass this time is like saying, "awwww its ok, i understand you cheated on me and almost started a relationship with someone else". Give him a pass now and you'll kick yourself the next you find yourself going thru his email only to discover he's done it again.

[nerdy_guy]

People make mistakes. He realized it and corrected it himself. If it's just once I'll consider it a mistake. Do it again, and he's an asshole. But, you're right, it is a big risk especially he never talked about what he did to her.

[hello1]

People make mistakes. He realized it and corrected it himself. If it's just once I'll consider it a mistake. Do it again, and he's an asshole. But, you're right, it is a big risk especially he never talked about what he did to her.

How will your logic work? she can not tell him. He will think he got away with cheating and may be more likely to do it again. TELL HIM YOU KNOW BUT make it clear that if he ever does it again it be over, as the trust will be completely shattered.

[nerdy_guy]

My logic works in a way that if he doesn't know she knows, she'll know his motives better because he'll think she has no idea about it. Cheating issues should never have a warning. the offending party ends up being more cautious next time he decides to screw up. And that is not good.

[cymyu]

Thanks for reading everyone. This is where I'm torn. I've known for a while and decided to let it slide and things seemed to be ok, because I honestly believe that probably wouldn't do it again, but every now and then I think about what he did and it breaks my heart that he did something like that. He loves me more than ever right now but I don't know how long I can live like this, knowing he's keeping a secret every time we talk.

I've tried to bring it up in a subtle way so that he would be the one to tell me but it never works. I think I want to talk to him about it but I feel bad to have been looking through his email, in a way I've invaded his privacy and that's something he would have a problem with. IF I were to confront, how should I bring it up?????

[Gigabitch]

Okay, first of all, you're keeping a secret every time you talk too. He kissed someone else (awful) and you looked through his email. Both bad.

If I were in your situation, I'd keep my trap shut about it. That would be difficult, because I'm terrible at keeping secrets, but in the end, he made the right decision and if you tell him you were snooping (and yes, this was a huge invasion of privacy, no "in a way" about it), he will just change his password and you won't be able to spy any more.

I think you should concern yourself with the real problem, which is that he felt inclined to kiss someone else in the first place. If he got there, he can get there again. Why did this happen? How long is this long distance thing supposed to last?

[cymyu]

I was wrong to look through his email and I feel terrible. I've tried to keep my mouth shut about but I've found that it causes me to be frustrated with him whenever we talk. We are currently living in different cities but I will visit him at the end of the month for a week before I head off to Asia for a year. Afterwards my year away I plan to relocate to his city and move in together. Long distance is hard enough, but long distance knowing this secret will destroy me.

Near the end of the five months of long distance, things got kind of rough. We could both sense it, but we never talked about it until we saw each other in person. We weren't communicating as much, we weren't as connected to one another and we were both going through a "quarter life crisis" so to speak. Didn't know where we would be the upcoming year, where we wanted to live, which job to take etc. I've asked him why he think it went so sour and he stated that it was combination about frustrations that were building up in his life...nothing about this other girl. If he had to seek intimacy from someone else, it means that there's something lacking in our own relationship right?

To be honest, it seems really out of character for him to do something like this, but maybe I'm wrong...maybe this is who he really is....

I think I could forgive him, but I just wish he would tell me about it instead of hiding it.

[girl68]

You're right in the fact you won't ever trust him. That said yes, you need to bring it up.

[cheeze_guy]

pretty much by checking his e-mail you don't trust him... any relationship without trust is doomed... by checking his email and finding something you didn't like adds to the trust issues... if you can't let it go that he was seeing if you were worth working so hard in this long distance relationship for then move on. If you can understand why he may do something like that then you may let it go, just be careful it will probably happen again.

[VincenzoG91]

Even if this relationship survives the kissing incident, it's unrealistic to expect it to survive your year in Asia. This is too much long distance in a shaky relationship. I think you should end it now, and avoid getting seriously involved with anybody until you return from Asia. This just isn't the right time in your life for a serious relationship, because you have other priorities.

[cymyu]

Are there such things as "one time offenders?"