I'm a terrible boyfriend

[thumper]

To put things simply, my girlfriend is the perfect mate in every respect. Sure she might be a little overweight, but she's honest, loyal, exclusive, and loves me a whole lot.

I am *far* from being the perfect boyfriend though. I can't save any money, I work minimum wage factory labor, I haven't been able to afford a new car in 6 months after my mother totaled my last one, I neglect her, and I rely on marijuana to relieve a severe depression that I have... In other words, I am the biggest loser you could ever imagine. But she still loves me.

My life is in shambles right now, and it will take me a LONG time to ever fix myself... But I don't want to make her have to wait for me :/ She's already waited half a year for me to get my act together, but after six months I have NOTHING to show for it. And she is rightfully disappointed.

She is about to lose her only source of workbound transportation too; she's in her mid20s but she depends on her auntie for rides because she's absolutely terrified of driving. Unfortunately though her aunt is 70 and she has cancer, so it's only a matter of time before she'll have to depend on me, and since I can't even depend on myself I don't think that is a good idea.


Here is my question: How do I break up with her without hurting her too much? :/ How do I tell her that she needs a stronger, more self-sufficient man?? If I ever left her then she *will* be alone, and due to her weight she says, guys don't approach her so it won't be easy to find somebody else...

Our relationship is perfect in every way you could imagine- the sex life is good, our attitudes towards love and marriage are mature, and when we are together snuggling in bed, it feels as though nothing could ever go wrong. The only thing wrong is the fact that I suck horribly at life and I will only end up bringing her down with me...

Do I leave her for her own good? What do I tell her? How do I go about it?? I know for a fact that leaving her *will* crush her, and I could never bear hurting someone like that...

[vashti]

There is no way to break up with someone who loves you that won't hurt them.

Why don't you just get your act together? Are you really so lazy and unmotivated that you would rather hurt her than fix yourself?

[thumper]

Time is of the essence here, and she desperately needs me and she needs me now...

Unfortunately I wasted six months without a penny to show for it in savings, so i thought... if she needs someone that badly why doesn't she just move on and find someone who can be there for her?

I know for a fact that if she came here and wrote about me, that you guys would tell her to leave me in a heartbeat...

[Gigabitch]

You freaking retard.

Pull yourself together. DON'T break up with her- she's the only good thing you've got going on. Just get your shit together.

First of all, stop smoking pot. It's not helping your depression problem, it's exacerbating it. I know what I'm talking about. Do whatever you have to do, including joining a 12-step program to get off that shit. You clearly don't have the right kind of psychological makeup to be a habitual pot smoker.

If her auntie becomes unable to drive, do you think there's a chance she'll let your girlfriend have her car and you can drive her around? That would be a solution. She also needs to work on her confidence about driving. San Diego is just not that scary to drive in. Help her with this. Maybe doing something like that will be a starting point for you to do other things right.

[thumper]

I already quit pot- I have no addiction, I only did it because I had no idea it would cause any problems.. but she made the mistake of telling her aunt and she flipped out on her, almost crashing, screaming, and even hitting her for even being with me...

so yeah her aunt hates me now ._.

[Gigabitch]

Just because you were a pot smoker? That's a bit extreme. Are you sure that was the only reason?

[thumper]

My GF blames my problems (money, communications, etc) on pot, which I know is not the case. I know my own problems are caused by myself, not by pot but she doesn't believe me.

She talked to her aunt hoping to get advice but she flipped out... after all, she's 70 and an extreme conservative so i suppose smoking pot to her is no different than smoking meth

FYI I don't do anything other than pot, I don't even drink *at all* except for the occasional glass of red wine with a meal :/

[Gigabitch]

Ironic, isn't it? You could be downing a pint of gin before dinner every night and Auntie would probably think that was fine. That generation has their heads up their asses.

Anyway, is there any chance of you getting a better job? It sounds like yours sucks. You're in this rut. A new job might really go a long way toward getting you out of it.

[thumper]

I am in a rut and I'm waiting to save up at least a month's worth of rent or two AND have my own car before moving out to a cheaper place and finding a better job... I am riding my bike to work every day due to the fact that my mom totaled my last car :/

Anywho I'm so thankful for your advice, it really put things in perspective for me...

She really is the only good thing I have going in my life :/

[Gigabitch]

Shouldn't your mom be in some way responsible for replacing your car?

[VisualAid]

Before breaking up with her "for her own good" have you considered asking what SHE thinks would be good for her? If you've already quit smoking pot, it looks like you're making steps in the right direction. I'm sure she can see that. 6 months isn't long enough to fix an entire life in. It's not even long enough to get used to the changes you'e already made. Getting out of a rut is kind of like losing weight: the longer it takes to lose it the more likely it is to stay off. The longer it takes you to pull yourself out of this, the more likely it is that you'll keep the changes you've made . .for life. Even if it doesn't work out with the girlfriend it's always good to make yourself a better person.

[thumper]

Shouldn't your mom be in some way responsible for replacing your car?

She's unemployed unfortunately...

Before breaking up with her "for her own good" have you considered asking what SHE thinks would be good for her? If you've already quit smoking pot, it looks like you're making steps in the right direction. I'm sure she can see that. 6 months isn't long enough to fix an entire life in. It's not even long enough to get used to the changes you'e already made. Getting out of a rut is kind of like losing weight: the longer it takes to lose it the more likely it is to stay off. The longer it takes you to pull yourself out of this, the more likely it is that you'll keep the changes you've made . .for life. Even if it doesn't work out with the girlfriend it's always good to make yourself a better person.

I did mention breaking up and she says again that I'm crazy to even think that, she says that I'm the one she wants and that I need to change for her... though I'm already at my last and final chance she says, but I'm not exactly sure what that means or what I'm supposed to do. I already quit smoking for her though...

[Gigabitch]

She's unemployed unfortunately...

Maybe you can get her a job where you work. In fact, she can have yours when you move on to something better.

[RdHrshyKss]

all you can do is concentrate on pulling yourself out of this mess. do the best you can to support yourself and get your act together...don't worry so much about your gf. i'm sure that over time, as you work on yourself, she will notice the changes and appreciate it. you need to get yourself straight first before you can even think about being there for another person. it's a shitty situation, but it's the truth.

i'm a habitual pot smoker too, but i don't let it affect anything else in my life. i work hard and am always looking for better opportunities. i have a second interview coming up for another job at a university in philadelphia. things won't come to you, you need to go out and fight for it. if you are suffering from depression, pot might help you feel slightly better over the course of the day, but it is NOT going to help you get out of the rut you're in. i'm glad you realized that and quit for the time being. that stuff makes you feel awfully good, but it makes you slightly lazy, forgetful, and prevents you from taking things as seriously as you would need to right now. save it for when you are back in a comfortable position and can reward yourself.

when people are in a rut, the hardest part is acknowledging it. people go on doing the same things over and over because they'd rather stay in denial about their problems. you are already past that point. you've acknowledged it, so good for you. now all you need to do is set an action plan. start planning for things in the future. create a spreadsheet and budget your finances...project it all the way out to a year from now, even 2 years from now...that way you'll be able to know for sure that X amount of days from now you will have enough money for a down payment on a car. it'll help motivate you to spend accordingly (think of all the money you'll be saving by not smoking pot!). mark down a date in the future (when you have enough money for your down payment) to withdraw that amount, so it's potentially an expense in the future. then update the spreadsheet every day with all of your expenses, and make sure that you don't go negative at that future date. you've pretty much created a safety for yourself. as long as you don't go negative that day, you'll have enough for your car. getting it set up in the beginning is a big pain in the ass, but i guarantee that it will make your life a hell of a a lot easier and you won't have that stress of "will i have enough or not?" going on in the back of your head all the time...you'll know for sure that you will. pm me if you want me to help you with this...

[thumper]

all you can do is concentrate on pulling yourself out of this mess. do the best you can to support yourself and get your act together...don't worry so much about your gf. i'm sure that over time, as you work on yourself, she will notice the changes and appreciate it. you need to get yourself straight first before you can even think about being there for another person. it's a shitty situation, but it's the truth.

i'm a habitual pot smoker too, but i don't let it affect anything else in my life. i work hard and am always looking for better opportunities. i have a second interview coming up for another job at a university in philadelphia. things won't come to you, you need to go out and fight for it. if you are suffering from depression, pot might help you feel slightly better over the course of the day, but it is NOT going to help you get out of the rut you're in. i'm glad you realized that and quit for the time being. that stuff makes you feel awfully good, but it makes you slightly lazy, forgetful, and prevents you from taking things as seriously as you would need to right now. save it for when you are back in a comfortable position and can reward yourself.

when people are in a rut, the hardest part is acknowledging it. people go on doing the same things over and over because they'd rather stay in denial about their problems. you are already past that point. you've acknowledged it, so good for you. now all you need to do is set an action plan. start planning for things in the future. create a spreadsheet and budget your finances...project it all the way out to a year from now, even 2 years from now...that way you'll be able to know for sure that X amount of days from now you will have enough money for a down payment on a car. it'll help motivate you to spend accordingly (think of all the money you'll be saving by not smoking pot!). mark down a date in the future (when you have enough money for your down payment) to withdraw that amount, so it's potentially an expense in the future. then update the spreadsheet every day with all of your expenses, and make sure that you don't go negative at that future date. you've pretty much created a safety for yourself. as long as you don't go negative that day, you'll have enough for your car. getting it set up in the beginning is a big pain in the ass, but i guarantee that it will make your life a hell of a a lot easier and you won't have that stress of "will i have enough or not?" going on in the back of your head all the time...you'll know for sure that you will. pm me if you want me to help you with this...

I like your advice... I already to have a spreadsheet set up, but this one was documenting each and every single one of my expenses of the last three months. It was painstaking labor because I had to tab in every item one by one! But it was worth it because I realized that I really do spend *too much* money on junk food and "munchies" whenever I'm high .__.