what to do...?

[Crammond]

So, let me start at the begining (I hope my IE doesn't crash or sth). This is going to be a long post, but I'll try to make it as short as I can.

I know my girlfriend for the past 6 years or so (we went to the same high school for 4 years). I'm now 21 and she recently turned 21 too. We have been dating for the past 2 years and about a month and are also engaged for the past year. To someone it may look a bit fast for engagement, but as I said, I knew her for 5 years and after a really nice nice year we spent as a couple I proposed.
Altough we aren't living together, we spent about 98% days of the year (let's say more than 350 out of 365) together (5+ hours a day, the other time it either school time or training time or sleeping time..) so this is almost like living together.
Everything went rather smooth (we had our ups and downs, but nothing serious). There was love, sex was great, nobody was really complaining about anything.
This summer she was alone on her vacation (alone as in with her parents, I was studying). Than we went to my "summer house" (we have a house in a different country just for the summer as our country has almost no sea/coast).
Sometime durring our vacation I was playing with her mobile and went into her sms (message, don't know if you name it "sms" too) box and she sent something like that "hi. today it's so cold here that i'd now need you to make me warm. Bye, :*" (as in she make him warm before - hug or sth maybe?).
I didn't tell her what I saw and just let it go.

Than I went back to my city to study some more as I had some more exams and she went to her parents vacation again. We talked and after she was there for about 10 days I could find 4-5 days to go to her (it was her birthday coming).

The first strange thing was when I was driving to her and my car broke down. I was able to drive tough but was unsure if I will make it to the end. When I told her that, she told me there is no rush and that I can come the next day. Strange because usually (or let me say everytime before) she got at first a bit pissed but than trully pissed if I was late or anything. And normaly she would get into a bad mood when I'd told her I'll come the next day.

So than I really wanted to come that day (I was suspecting something). I came and the second thing she told me was "are you going to be jelaous if I dance with my friends"? (there are 2-4 friends, one of them is her ex's brother "Dan", the other's name is "Steve" - names are made up so you can follow the story easier).

So I tought to myself "Wtf" as she never asked me sth like this and told her that it depends on how she'll dance.
We went out and after about 2 hours i got pissed because Steve and Dan were making fun behind my back (I don't like that, but as Dan knows some martial arts and there were 3 of them and all drunk, including my girlfriend, i didn't say anything to them). I went outside the club and told my girlfriend that I don't like what they are doing and that I'd like to go somewhere else. She said that they always mess with their boyfriends and that I shouldn't bother.
After a while they came out (Dan and Steve). I was about 15 feet away (5meters) when my gf went to Steve to give him sth back (don't know how you name it, doesn't matter). She turned towards me when Steve turned towards her and asked her for a kiss. I pissed, but yet again didn't say anything (i don't want to get my ass kicked...and if i'd say anything i know i'd lay in blood in a matter of minutes..i'm not a chicken or anything, but it wasn't worthed).

When I told her what I saw, she told me nothing was true, that I hear stuff and see stuff that didn't happen (but I was the only one not drunk as hell...). I was still angry and she than gave me my ring back. I didn't want to take it and told her i want to stay together. It was 4:45 in the morning. The club was open till 5. I asked her if we can go home, but she wanted to stay till the end to dance some more. I went home to sleep, she came at around 6 (but i know nothing serious happened than, to many people around).

Than we got back home from vacation. Very soon the Steve guy invited her to come over to his place (in another city, about 50 miles away) for a party at his friends. She went and she was actually home alone with him (maybe for the whole time she was there, I don't believe her anything). She was there for about 8 hours and she told me that she was in his room looking at some photos while he was under the shower. Than they went to the party.

Then she went out with them (him and his friends) a couple of times more.

About 2 weeks after we got home from vacation I got mad about all this. We had a fight and I told her that this is going nowhere and that I think this is the end (I already knew some things were a bit different as she told me).

So she came to my place, we talked and I asked her the stuff she lied about (nothing important, but still, she lied) and she told me the correct answers this time so we stayed togheter. That evening she was invited to Steve's birthday party. I told her that I'd like her to not go. After about an hour she started to beg if she can go just for an hour or so. I told her to do what she wants and that she knows my wishes... She went, but did call me a couple of times in between (when she was there).

Then some more time went by and she was invited to another party or sth (with steve afcourse..). I got into a bad mood again, but she told me that we can be toghether all the time before she goes so we went to the movies. Afterwards she went to the party and I went home to bad.

The next day she was invited to the movies by Steve and his firends. She told me that they invited her to see some movie (which she told me the day before she doesn't want to see when we were choosing what to see) and that she really wants to see it. As I already knew some serious shit is going on, I told her to go just because I wanted her to make a mistake so I can breal up with her and stay clean (this may sound stupid, but I had such a nice relationship with her family that I didn't want to break up with her without any proof that she is cheating because she would told them ugly stuff about me and I didn't want that as we really had a nice relationship).

So i did some spying. I went to the movies and wait until the movie was over. She came out with Steve (couldn't see anybody else, but it was such a crowd and so dark that I may missed them). They went to her car and drove off. About 10min later (it takes about 15 to get from the movies to my place) she called me because we agreed that she comes to my place after the movies. So she calls me that she'll be there in 5 min. Therefor I know nothing (maybe or probably defenitly a kiss happened) serious happened, so I drove home a bit faster and were there before her.

I told her that somebody saw her with somebody in her car. She told me it was Paul (some other friend that was supposed to be in the movies too). I asked her why she lied and told her she was seen with somebody that looks exactly like Steve. She than apologized and told me she didn't want to tell me because she knew I'll get pissed. We talked some more when she got an sms (message on her mobile). We agreed before that if I ask, she will let me see it. So, I asked to see it. She asked if she can see it first but as I knew she'll delet it I told her no and that we look at it at the same time.
Steve sent her: Thank you for the massage. To bad there was no time for some sporting...

I freaked out, started yelling and everything and wanted to know what he meant with "sporting". She said she doesn't know and that usually send weird messages. Than after a while she agreed to send him a message asking what that meant. She got a message back: Erotic sporting. I again freaked out.
After about an hour or two of talking I calmed down and again didn't break up with her (but breaking up was the topic of our conversation most of the time).

Then the Steve guy went to other country for a year (to school) so she stoped going out and all. Two weeks later it was our 2nd anniversery (don't know how to spell this right, sorry). I told her that I want to break up. That I did my best but I just can't trust her anymore. She kept on telling me that nothing is going/went on between her and Steve, but I didn't listen. After an hour of talking, we broke up. When I got home, she called me, we talked and I AGAIN (yes, i'm weak, damn it ) took her back. That was september 29th.

Two weeks later, 14th of october, I got a chance to be alone at her place. Still wanting to know what she did behind my back, I went on her computer. Luckly for me, she didn't know that her logs from MSN Messenger were on her hard drive. As I had only about 5minuts I only sent everything over to my place.

... ---> go to post #2

[Crammond]

When I got home, I started to read. There were logs from 17th of August till 14th of October. I pretty much read only what she talked with Steve.
(because all this is already rather long, I'll write in short about what was written in the logs)

- they keep on talking about strawberries..
- he told her that her gift was to quick...
- he keeps on telling her how he'd like her naked in his bad, she doesn't mind...
- they agree on a picnic with "strawberries" (when they were at a party) and agree to tell other that they will come later..
- he asked her if she had any strawberries, she says yes, he asked if they were "home made", she says "no", he asks if than she cheated on me again, she answers "no", than he says "than they were home-made" (so it's pretty much obvious that strawberries mean something sexual...)
- he asks her "did you cheat on him again or what"

So basiclly there is nothing really obvious about what they had, but you get the picture that sth did went down.

I printed all the stuff (about 41 pages), marked all the "wrong" thins and gave it to her. She saw it and told me that this is nothing, that it was only a play between Steve and her over the internet and that nothing happened.

After about 2 hours of talking I broke up with her. All the time in between she kept on bothering me to re-think everything. To give her another chance. She is still telling me that she did nothing with him (not even a kiss or anything) and that she'll do anything just for another chance. That she loves me, that she wants to be my wife, mother of my children and all that (before all this I really tough we'll stick together forever, she was really the one, everything was super).

So, I'm asking you for advice. What would you do...? Could you eat it up? No matter what she says, I think she went all the way with him at least once and did some other stuff a couple of times durring this period.

Is it worthed? I can push all of my feelings in the back for some time (for an hour or two or best for a day..), but than it all comes back and it hurts as hell.

I talked to her several times durring this past three months, asking her to tell me what is going on as she has obviosly changed, but she kept on telling me that nothing is going on. I tried to do anything to make us work, but she didn't. Not until now, when I really broke up with her.
She keeps on telling me that she'll make me feel as good as I made her feel when we started dating (I was all over her, madly in love, she always felt like a princess), telling me that she won't go anywhere without me, that she'll be only at home and at school.
I don't know what to do. On one side, I still love her. Maybe not as much as I did, but still. I know how good she is (in all fields) and I know that it will be hard to find somebody else like her. On the other side I want to kick her so hard that she'll land on the other part of the world. She lied to me for three months just to have a good time either partying or whatever with Steve. I told her that now that I know something went on durring those three months that I don't know if I even existed as her fiance at that time. That I feel i was worth lees than dirt at that time now as I see how I was right when she kept telling me I am wrong about everything....

She keeps telling me that now that she realized that it was wrong what she did, that she could be my best friend, a good partner, a good wife and a good mother.

But how come somebody can't figure out on his own that what he is doing (for 2-3 months!!!!), even if it was only talking over the internet, is wrong..? I can't understand that..

Is it worthed? Should I take her back one last time? Should I give us a try...? Could you be able tu trust a person like this again??

Please, don't tell me "do what you think it's right to do" because I wouldn't be writing all this if it would be all that simple to me...


Thank you so much for puting up with me...

[Jenrick285]

It all begins with the little white lie ....
Okies so what happens if she says no more Steve because it is causing issues between the relationship. When she's late or when she doesn't arrive when she's supposed to. What's most likely gonna pop in your head? Yeah that : Where's she's been/doing/with/etc etc.
Seems like you want to work things out, but you are constantly getting the slap in the face with lies.
With the track record, this girl is as trustable as Michael Jackson is to little children...
Just remember, actions speak louder than words, and how are her actions?

My ex did something like that to me, lies after lies after lies; nowadays we're civil to each other but I don't believe a word she says ever... The trust is gone... gone gone gone.. like the time I wasted with her...
I think only you would know if you have it in you to go through this again, and if this time if she's genuine...
Best of luck.

[Crammond]

I know, that is my point exactly. But now she is saying she will do anything to prove me wrong about her for the future. She also told me i can actually put somebody to follow her all her time (as in a detective or sth) but i told her that is absurd. I'd give her another chance but if I sometime later find out that she cheated on me again, I would die emotionally simply because I just can't take it anymore. I don't know...I'm gonna take some more days and think about this some more...
Thank you for the reply tough.

[KirstyM]

IMO there is absolutely no point you two getting back together. Imagine what kind of relationship you would have. You obviously cannot trust her at all, she doesnt realise the importance of honesty (she tells you what she thinks you want to hear rather than the truth). I dont see any future in your relationship. Move on.

[sfalexi]

I agree. Don't get back together.

[blue]

no in my opinion she moved on a long time ago and i know this is hard but trust is a huge part in a realtionship, you need to move on and let go. You will forever be wondering what where and who she is with, plain out and simple she ****ed up, and its not something you can just take back. Im sorry honey ut you will be ok time heals all wounds and this in time will heal.

[bluestrattos]

TRUST is one of the most important links in that chain named LOVE. Unfortunately your link has been broken so many times, that there's no possibility of being fixed. It will be very hard and it will takes probably weeks and months to forget all the past with her, but like Blue wrote, time will heal. Tell her goodbye for good.
Good Luck with new begining